The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Twenty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Life is beginning to change, really change. I have been making more of an effort to feel good and do more things that make me happy. That sounds strange to me still. Doing what makes me happy means that I am also being more selfish in what I find acceptable. That means that, I have been walking away and standing my ground when I need to. At work I am more considering what is right or good for me. Now that means being less of a “yes” girl when it comes to overtime or favours. It means saying “no” more often.

It means that my relationship with Clover has degenerated and disintegrated a lot now. Honestly I haven’t responded since she didn’t even bother to read the message that said I wasn’t well enough for a last meeting and she basically said she wasn’t going. Didn’t even bother to read my message at all. Hence why now I don’t bother responding to the odd selfie she sends of herself, I just leave her to it and leave her on read. I don’t see the point.  Life has become much quieter and a little less dramatic. I am sort of glad that she bailed so “spectacularly” for dinner with Dyl and I, it makes it easier to confirm my suspicion. She only hits me up when she wants something, like her birthday presents that was the last time I saw her and the first time I had seen her in ages. So I would guess she will only bother with me close to Christmas when she wants presents again.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am certainly proud of myself. I stopped self-destructing when it comes to relationships I no longer seem to be self-sabotaging. Things with Dyl seem to just keep getting better, getting stronger. I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him now. I know when he asks, I will say yes. There is no way I think I would ever be able to say no to him when he asks. Imagining a future together feels like fun and excitement.

I feel like more recently I have started to practice my deliberate creation again. This morning I meditated and just let it take me where it wanted to lead. I am making a conscious effort for positivity. Sounds like a simple solution right? Being positive. So perhaps for one last time. Let’s go on a little rampage, for old time’s sake.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator. I am brilliant at creating my experience. I know that I am creating ease in my life. I am allowing myself to feel good. I am releasing all that does not serve me. I take pleasure in my manifestations. I have chosen this experience. I have chosen this life, this place, these people that I interact with. I have deliberately chosen the world that I live in. I have created my financial stability. I have created my financial prosperity. My abundance is growing exponentially and I am great at managing my money. Money is something fun, it is ease and freedom. Money flows easily and consistently. It is easy to have more than I need. This feeling of ease around money is fun and abundant and serves me well. I like being in charge of my experience. I appreciate that I manifested Dyl in my life. He is wonderful and incredible and kind and funny and gentle and loving and I appreciate his existence in the universe. I appreciate that he loves me and I love him and there is no resistance between us. I love that Dyl and I share our lives and allow our experience to be fun and exciting.

I am enjoying my experience. I am creating a career that is a vocation for me. I am creating a career that increases my abundance of time, of money and of fun. I am creating a career that doesn’t feel like work, I am creating a career that feels like fun and freedom and I am ready for it. I am ready as I am now in this time and place to enjoy my new vocation with ease and acceptance. I am ready for the next stage in my work life that will bring all that I need and desire in my life. I am ready to evolve again and find a new way of living that feels wonderful. I am open to enjoying my career growing, I am open to enjoying the fun and inspiration as my career blossoms. I am loving the feeling of expanding my world. I am bringing more money and more time in my life to just enjoy myself. Work no longer feels like work.

I am enjoying this fun, free, prosperous experience. I am enjoying my time “off”. I am achieving new unchartered waters of happiness and fun. I am enjoying writing this rampage because it feels so good to acknowledge my natural wellbeing. I am enjoying making new things and reading new things and watching new entertaining things. I am enjoying in partaking in creating my own entertainment. I am enjoying these words. I am feeling the value of this rampage. I am feeling the value of knowing what I desire. I am feeling the value of knowing what I have manifested is pleasurable. I am enjoying this experience. I am ready to say yes to all that is wanted. I am better at holding my attention to what is wanted than I have ever been before. I am eager and excited to enjoy my experience.

I am ready to move forward to new adventures. I know that this is the start of something new and exciting and incredible and there is no such thing as an ending. Nothing ends, it is always a beginning; new, old or unseen there is always a new day a new moment and our desires are never ending there is no ending to the wonderful things that we are manifesting and bringing into our experience here together.

The Diary of Elliot Parker is OUT NOW here is the link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

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The New Project…

So I know I will never be the first person to say this, but rejection sucks.

So even though I am a big fan of Abraham Hicks and the law of attraction and I totally should not be talking about the what-is-ness I have something to confess.
I have sent off something to agents and publishers. Something that started to be a “for the website” piece of work. That was all it was going to be. Something exclusively for the website. But that didn’t really go to plan. I wrote a couple of chapters and thought “hey I really like this” so I kept writing on and about five chapters in I realised I was wrong. Sure it was sort of an impulse thought, because as you know, I had originally intended to find a publisher for the “big project” but lately I haven’t been working on that or re-editing it because I wanted to write some more for the website. But as I wrote more for the website, as I wrote more of this project for the website, that is designed to be a series, I realised that I loved it. Like, I looked at what I had written and thought “holy crap this is some of my very best work” and so I thought, could this have a bigger life than what I can give it on the website. So with that thought in mind my next thought was, “should I think about not posting it to the website straight away, could this be something worth being published.”
That is how in one short night I ended up writing two chapters, a synopsis on the quick fly and a quick cover letter. I then started to just send off to one agent and then another and another. A week later I had collected three rejections. Three “no’s” closer to a “yes” I suppose.
And it is really hard to not get caught up in the rejection. Wondering if I should really be doing this. The answer is yes. I have to take a risk on myself because this one piece has been the most fun to write in a long old time. It happens to be a fun idea, it feels like some of the most fun I have had writing in a while. I have called the series The Dollhouse. It has a meaning down the line. But I do love writing it. It is nice to write something a little flirty and sensual. Sure it will never be a fifty shades type deal. I don’t want to write or rewrite something like that, no matter how many times people tell me I should. I don’t want to be using something that doesn’t inspire me, I don’t want to follow my non-writing Nana’s advice and write a “bodice ripper”. I think it is safe to say by now that you all know that isn’t exactly my style. I know they say sex sells, but why can’t flirtatious ideas and sensuality be something that sells? With a heavy element in the fantasy realms.
So sure this is my first hurdle, a week of rejection will get closer to the yes I want.
I am sure writing a synopsis drives every writer who has ever had to write one mad. It drives me mad for sure. I hate doing them. But that is just part of the process.
So I suppose given that I will probably post a bit of The Dollhouse series soon just to show you what it is that got me so excited and pumped up enough that I thought “wow I could have a shot with this”, I could perhaps tell you a little about it.
The Dollhouse is a series where there is a dual narrator. It will have two leading females. One who is “good” and one who is “bad” but I am hoping it won’t be that black and white. I want it to challenge the idea of good and evil and the battle of it. I want it to be fun and flirty because that is what it feels like when I write this project. I feel the fun and flirty-ness of the story even if it is ultimately what is good and evil and how do you quantify what is the proper path.
Writing is something that you have to love if you are going to believe in yourself enough to let other people read it. I don’t have to love myself to write. I have to write and then I get that bit closer to loving myself. It is showing myself that self love of doing something I enjoy. Fantasising. It took a long long time for me to stop keeping these fantasies and stories to myself and to start writing them down. That felt like such a giant leap at the time. Putting my thoughts to words that make these worlds and stories I dreamed of real. It felt like a risk at first. Now it feels like the biggest risk is not believing in myself enough to pursue it and keep writing and keep putting myself out there.
So I suppose I will have to let you know what happens the more I keep putting my writing out there and giving it the best shot I can give it.
May luck and adventure be on your side.
ARA
xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Nineteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I thought I would know how this would feel. I thought by now I would feel closure and right now, I don’t know if I feel much at all.

Sometimes, it feels like I have been fighting my own sense of hopelessness since I can remember, something that I was taught I must do, not the fighting part, the feeling hopeless part. Since I can remember I suppose I could say, for a long time, a large amount of time I contended with the feeling of depression. It is something that feels like I have been fighting for an eternity. The melancholy of life. Sometimes I do really well at fighting it, there are days that are flawless happiness and joy. The come downs from that often feel especially hard hitting. More and more, from beginning this diary, to now, coming to the close, it is safe to say I have been having more days of happiness and joy.

Even if sometimes, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I haven’t spoken to my mother willingly of my own volition for months now. I don’t even know if it bothers her. I keep out of it, keep out of her way. Part of me misses it, her, having a mother. But for quite a few years she’s not acted like a mother. Not at all. I suppose I still grieve for normality, for having the idea of a normal mother. And I know that Dyl’s mum and dad have sort of accepted me as part of the family, to be fair it didn’t take them long. And I know I have my step mum, and our relationship is getting better. But there is a part of me, I suppose to a biological extent that wishes that I could have a normal relationship with my birth mother that isn’t filled with animosity and hurt. It’s hard to accept. I think the words I am looking to explain this feeling is ambiguous loss. Physically she is still alive, and yet I grieve the mother daughter bond. I suppose it could even be a tiny bit Stockholm syndrome, that thing where you have this incredibly abusive (in my case emotionally) relationship that when you are freed from your abuser you still feel this connection. Like you are still meant to love them. I don’t know if what I am saying here is 100% correct. But trying to find words for this, to find some kind of closure is hard.

And I know when Dyl and I eventually get married she won’t be invited, because I have learned to protect my happiness and my life from her. It is easy to feel at a loss when I think about that, and the impact of it, because I do deserve to have a mother of the bride. But that will be my step mother’s place. I know reconciliation is not an option.

I know that when Dyl and I eventually have children, that my mother will never meet them, if I can help it. I don’t want her near me so why would I want her around them. I want to keep my children safe and happy and healthy. Introducing her to the mix will make confusion, pain and hurt dish of the day. That is not what I want. I want them to have the stability and safety that I never had. I don’t want them worrying all day or all night if they made a mistake. I don’t want them to be scared of me, or be scared to come to me with anything. I don’t want them to be scared or feel like they have to hide their happiness or joy or success. I want them to feel like I always have their best interest at heart and not some hidden agenda. I don’t want to be my mother; I want to be better than the example I had.

That’s the thing though, by knowing what we don’t want or who we don’t want to be we more accurately know what we want and who we want to be. That is the beauty of the unwanted and wanted. It gives you this clarity.

It is through acknowledging this discomfort I have been feeling I have come to accept it. I know what I want now. I want to be happy. I want to feel excited by the prospect of one day getting married to the love of my life, who makes me happy without trying. I want to feel like there is nothing missing, because there is nothing missing, because I know at least one of the two mother figures in my life will get to take the mother of the bride seat, the other will take the mother of the groom seat. I know that my step mum will be a wonderful grandma when I have kids, that she will be the only grandma that they know from my side of the bloodline, I am sure Dyl’s mum will be wonderful too. I know that these kids that will one day happen will know they are loved and will have some wonderful female role models, and some wonderful male role models too. I am certain that they will feel safe and happy and healthy. I am looking forward to meeting these one day kids of mine and watching them become happy, healthy adults who know inherently they are loved and that they are amazing without trying. They will be wonderful deliberate creators and I want to encourage that connection with themselves so that the next generation can understand who they are and not feel all the pain and discord of not knowing how wonderful they are.

So I might be a kooky mum, but I am sure I will be strict to a degree, I want the best for them, and they aren’t even here yet, just twinkles in our eyes.

The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

The seaside

What happened at the seaside?

Well I will start at the beginning.
We got to Brighton about 12ish, but our hotel reservation check in wasn’t until 3pm. Which was a small pain in the bum so we went to the hotel and ended up paying for an early check in. We went to our room which was nice and clean and tidy. Sorted out our bags so we only had to take a mini picnic blanket and sun cream with us to the beach. We went down and walked along the sea front going past the restaurants etc. We walked past an “organic” burger place. Which gave us a giggle, simply because we didn’t think we would actually eat there. We went and got some shellfish, discovered we hate whelks. We thought we would really splash out a bit on shellfish and enjoy our time there, so we got a small pot of lobster, some cockles, some crayfish, some pinks, I even tried my first ever oyster. Not sure how I felt about that, it was nice but so weird and slimy. Turns out the other half likes fresh cockles.
We played hook a duck and I won a tuck with sunglasses on it. We went and had a waffle on a stick- I think they used to be nicer when I was a kid. We had some fresh donuts which were awesome. We went into the arcade and had fun, we won some teddies on the claw machines, had fun on all the other games, we actually did ok at basket ball together. It was generally just silly fun. We went for a walk around the lanes and discovered a shop full of rubber ducks. We went to Chockywockydoodah and I think we were both a little disappointed by it, it was a bit underwhelming. We saw lots of jewelry.
We ended up going to the Sea life centre, we both thought it seemed bigger when we were kids but it was fun and we saw the fishes and sharks going under neath our little glass bottom boat thing. Weirded me out a bit. But the boat tour was really nice all the same.
We went to the pier after that and then went down to the beach for dinner and ended up at the organic place because everywhere else seemed to not do fish and chips and seemed to be shutting. Turns out it was a gorgeous fish and chips, we loved it and barely breathed we inhaled our dinner. We went for another little walk and when we got to our hotel rooms, showered off some sun cream and finally sat on the bed, we were fast asleep in seconds we were so tired!
We ended up getting a late check out too to give ourselves more freedom. We went to the Breakfast Club for breakkie, we both had the All American, he had scrambled eggs but I had poached. Pancakes, bacon, fried potatoes, sausage and eggs… My eggs seemed to look a bit testicular in shape which gave us a giggle. The food was great. We went to the rubber duck shop and got some duckies. Then we went for fish and chips on the pier followed by donuts by the sea. We saved dipping our feet in the water till last before we had to make our way back home.
But safe to say it was a wonderful trip and we made some memories and had lots of fun goofing around.
May luck and adventure be on your side.
ARA
xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Eighteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know last time I wrote I told about a bit of my trip away and looking at rings. Well, I ended up looking at local jewellers online after I wrote how I was feeling. On the off chance I decided to look at one that I had thought would wind up too expensive for the budget. Well, when your bored and on your third website looking at options you kind of wonder if there would be anything at all. So here’s the thing, I don’t want to spend much money on “the” ring, even though the ones we saw on our trip were minimum ten times our budget. But I had an idea of the ones I seemed more drawn to in all those shop windows, there was a slowly developing theme evolving. With the amount I was willing to spend on the budget, I knew I would be looking at an imitation diamond in reality, put into silver. I figured it would be what I would end up with.

Anyway, so there I was looking online at the jewellers I didn’t expect to find anything on considering the shop can tend to be over expensive sometimes. Plus, its sort of an older generation type jewellers- dignified sort of ish. I spotted a ring. It was in the budget; above what I would have liked but below what Dyl had set. I looked at the ring, it was sort of cute and like the ones that we had seen on our trip. But a large part of me thought the ring wouldn’t look as good in the real world when I saw it, I thought it might not suit me because it isn’t a style I have tried and could say I knew suits me. I kept the tab open on my phone, along with a few others.

So I went into town with my nan before I met Dyl. So nan and I are in town and we ended up going a complete different direction to where we were going avoid someone she knew and that ended up we had to walk past that particular jewellers. I thought you know what, go for it go see what that ring looks like. As we walk in one of my acquaintances from work has recognised me, turns out she worked there, she came over and asked what brought me there, I showed her the picture and she took a few minutes and found the ring. Turns out I hadn’t even read what the ring was, it was silver like I had expected, but it contained four small princess cut diamonds. Actual diamonds, no matter the size, it surprised me. She showed me the ring, I tried it on, the display ring was a size too big but wasn’t too bad. It looked really cute on and it looked sweeter than the picture, less cold. It had this sort of antique timeless feel to it. I ended up really liking it and took a picture and sent it to Dyl to ask his opinion. Another bonus for this particular ring, it was in the sale and was half price and was at the budget level that I was happy to spend.

So I told her I would come back with Dyl to have a look at the ring again and get his opinion. I only went there without him in the first place because I know he doesn’t like shopping and if it meant I could cut one shop off the list it would make life easier. So I get out the shop and send Dyl all the details etc and end up going to the shop nan wanted to see. Dyl said to go get the ring if I liked it and he would pay me back, I said nope, I wanted his opinion, he should see it too. I had to wait 45 minutes which felt like much longer till I could meet up with Dyl. When we did we got the shopping for dinner and headed straight to the jewellers. Thank heavens for late night shopping.

We went to the shop and my friendly acquaintance pulled the ring out the cabinet and showed him, I tried it on for him and he ordered it in my size. So safe to say, that is how we found the ring. Now all I have to do is wait for him to ask once he picks up the ring from the shop when it arrives. He isn’t telling me when that is though. But I’m excited to wear it. I really do think it is so cute.

I suppose the best word I can find for the ring is gentle. It’s got a soft design, it doesn’t seem likely to catch on clothes, there are no claw grips to break or bend to lose the stones. It seems timeless and like it would be nice to pass onto future generations in time. It gives me lots of options for one day when we get married, I can choose what to pair it with, a sparkly wedding band or a plain one and it will fit and look good with either. I think that is the fun bit, because now I don’t need to be concerned I won’t like the ring. Not that that was likely.

But I think the fun bit is knowing we both see that big future and we are making those steps forward towards a future together. I like that idea. A future together that just seems to be falling into place at every step, like every single moment is meant to be. And it is. It is meant to be, it has always felt perfectly timed, it always feels like it all falls into place naturally like we are the luckiest people on earth, it doesn’t feel like a struggle. I like how it feels like the right place right time all the time, it is perfect timing.

The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018