The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Twelve :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I started this for the wrong reasons in the wrong way. I wanted to become this deliberate creator of my world, I didn’t even know who I was. I convinced myself all the time of what I wanted. I tried to be something I wasn’t, happy. I tried to convince myself I was. I tried to convince myself what I was doing was right, that this was the right way even when I knew I was wrong. That’s the thing. It has taken over twenty years to understand my past. It took twenty long years to understand the systematic emotional abuse I was exposed to. Twenty years to break free of the brain washing and manipulation to see reality. Now I am here. In this new position and I don’t know if I understand myself any better.

This whole thing started for the right reasons. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to create my own world. And in a way I did.

Now aside from here, when I look at my life, I look at this world I created, I lost the relationship I had with my mother, though being realistic, I think it was so toxic it has taken until now to really open up and speak honestly about it. The relationship I had with one of my best friends has deteriorated. It’s become distant and I don’t doubt that a large portion of that is how I changed, decisions I have made. I guess I started wanting to protect myself some more. The more effective that I get at making my life healthier and happier the more I have lost my connections to who I was.

Who am I becoming in the process? Where have I disconnected from myself?

I guess it has taken shedding the past, shedding what I used to want, or what I thought I wanted and just enjoying where I have come to be. I found the man who has turned out to be the love of my life. I am slowly becoming financially stable, almost… I am getting there. That is better than I was. I found this path that I want to be on.

All the things I need to be doing I have struggled with finding the motivation and strength that comes with perseverance. I have been intermittent and inconsistent with how I am thinking. Now each morning when I get up, I am setting my alarm earlier than I need to and allowing myself at least half an hour of appreciation. I am making that effort of appreciating the life that I am living. I let myself appreciate my work, waking up, my family, my other half, my future. I let myself get excited about the day, I get myself excited about what I can look forward to in each day. I didn’t think about writing this post this morning, no I just decided to see if I could fit it in to my plans, I got some extra unexpected pleasure in my day by choosing to do this. I am choosing to look at my life, where I am right now and where I want to be and I want to make an agreement with myself of what I will do each day as a minimum. I am changing my minimums for each day in the hope that I get to enjoy the maximum each day.

Sounds like I am giving myself more stress and more pressure each month but that is not the case. At least that is not the case I intend. I am going to carve out an hour each day for me. That is an hour each day to reconnect with myself, because with all the stresses lately, I felt so overwhelmed I started shutting down and pulling back from all areas in my life, I don’t want that to be a trend. I want to start reconnecting with all that I love and that I want to be. I am hoping that starting with an hour a day will begin the unlocking of myself and what I am scared to tackle.

Carving out that hour of me time a day is simple enough in theory right? Well I am possibly running before I can walk, but I want to encourage myself in this process to start eating right, start to be healthier and move around more, I want to push forward into my life. That means recovering from old wounds. As hard as that sounds, weeks from now I want to be able to say that writing this post pushed me so much in the right direction, pushed me so far forward with what I wanted to achieve that I made myself proud.

If I can stumble upon creating the love of my life, the perfect partner for me, then what else can I do?

I just want to see where this future path is taking me. I want to push a little more toward the fun that I have been wanting in my life. Even if that means that I have to lose an hour of doing nothing relaxing for doing something, anything, hopefully this in a way, because I do enjoy this. I do enjoy finding and discovering myself about who I am or who I want to be. In these few words I get to discover what my next steps may be, or even reflecting on the past that shaped me, the mistakes and the triumphs. I spend so much time beating myself up away from here, I forget what I wanted to achieve, I come back and I see the reminders I leave myself. Working on being kinder to myself has been interesting as an exercise. I am losing the inner critic of myself over time, it’s voice is becoming quieter and easier to tell off.

I am so thankful of the progress I made from where I started, the things I thought I needed and wanted, where I am now, it is so much happier. Thank you wonderful universe.

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Darling Daughters

Chapter Thirty-Eight

 

Returning to Darling college, Summer felt more relaxed than before. Even her dorm was better, the building, the same floor, much better view from the window. And even the same roommate. Getting the dorm organised this year was much easier, they had developed a status quo before that only needed one adaptation, a few more blankets thrown over the sofa for when it got colder.

This year it felt like she was less on show, less staring, people had gotten used to the Darling at Darling college. While she was still nervous, she couldn’t shake the feeling of still being caked in sugar, no matter what she tried. She had this niggling thought that everyone else could tell she felt like she had bathed in icing.

Cassandra was just her usual self, brash and determined. Though seeing the lack of change to how they had set up their space before she relaxed a bit. This year she was less willing to let Summer try to blend into the background. This year Cassandra was determined to be a part of the campus floor party. She even went as far to set up a theme.

Cassandra had set the conversational tone in the room. Summer had given up hiding in her room, choosing to lock it and head for a little walk. She stumbled upon a fellow Storm and Fire cohort. He was planted in the middle of a group of girls, attempting to be dangerously charming. Summer just laughed and walked past William Alexander. She couldn’t help but think she had punched his card right; he is exactly what she had expected. She pretended not to notice him calling her over as she made her way to explore another dorm.

A few rooms later and she had the displeasure of walking into Jamie. It had seemed that the girls had been avidly avoiding him since Cassandra had made it clear to everyone what he was like. He stood awkwardly now, somewhat apologetic in front of her. Summer refused to pay attention and walked off making a mental note to tell Cassandra.

From one room to another Summer wondered until she returned to her dorm to find someone fast asleep on her sofa. “He won’t budge, said he wanted to see you.” Cassandra was bored of the mystery.

“Who is it?” Continue reading

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Eleven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, looking back at when I started this experience I feel like a completely new person. I know it sounds like a cliché. But that doesn’t really matter. I’ve grown, I had to, and it is for the best. When I started I think I was trying so hard to be so good at being a deliberate creator when all I had wanted at the time was to be different, to feel differently.

Since then the strange dreams have changed, but that’s ok, they are less clinging to an old life, an old way of being and wanting. I no longer get the dream invasions. That is good though, I am not looking back thinking where did it all go wrong, because I can see where it all went right. I started to believe in myself, I started having some self-worth and strength. I found the courage to finally cut the chords that had me bound to the past and walk away. I have outgrown situations that just seemed to hurt me more than anything.

The biggest change? I am happy, genuinely happy, even when I am heartbroken I am finding happiness. Happiness I deliberately created in the best way. In a way that makes it feel like a happy accident, when it turns out I have what I really wanted all along. And sure I can always deliberately create more stuff. But I am grateful and happy every morning when I wake up with just one thought, and every night before bed. I am back to focusing on all those good moments in my life.

I went from not being able to break a toxic immature cycle with my ex, to finding a new job, to finding the love of my life at the new job. Sure that is over simplified, and I have had some difficult friendships, very difficult friendships, but that is ok.

I think, to a degree Clover and I have grown apart in a big way. It’s not exactly sad, I don’t think that would be the right way to describe it. We aren’t as close as we used to be, I doubt we will be that close again though. And that is ok. I don’t mind. Not really. Life is a lot quieter, a tiny bit less chaotic, and I am glad she got back together with her baby daddy, even if I don’t necessarily think it will work, I think they might get a few years out of it, another kid maybe, something like that. It’s what makes her happy and she deserves to be happy. I guess that separation had to happen, she made her position clear when she was unwilling to support my relationship with Dyl for no good reason other than he wasn’t my ex, no matter how much she tried to bring the ex into conversation and make him relevant it didn’t matter, not really. The ex is the past and Dyl is not only my present but my future. Clover not supporting that was her choice, but I didn’t want to live in the past. I guess it took a long time to realise that.

Clover and I went to dinner a few months ago and she spent the whole time trying to one up whatever was going on in my life, like I could feel her trying so hard to be insistent that her life was better than mine. That’s definitely not an environment I wanted to be in, because even when my life is going wrong, she wants to say hers is worse. Our friendship shouldn’t be a competition, just because I understand that doesn’t mean she did or does. I don’t want someone always trying to be the core of any and all attention. That is ok, it’s her prerogative. I just don’t want to live like that.

So yes, I guess that friendship seems to be on its last legs.

I look back at what has changed and how I have changed and I can see all the ways that it is working out brilliantly. And I am great and happy with being a not always deliberate, deliberate creator.

Because now I am looking to the future. I am deciding what I want to do, how I want to live in this future that I am building.

When I close my eyes and let myself picture the future I think about waking up in the morning, laying in a warm bed and rolling over to find Dyl there beside me. Having extra cuddles before getting up, getting ready and getting organised to do something I love. I can see my vocation and passion being profitable. I can see myself sitting at my desk, re shuffling, looking through my papers and starting work, my fingers hitting keys after keys. Stopping for lunch and going for a short walk. Coming back and having a music lesson, before I settle down at the keys for another hour preparing tomorrows work. Taking a short break before I make a nice tasty dinner for the two of us. Relaxed and ready to watch some tv before bed. A lovely perfect day in the future, where life feels productive and simple. Being able to do that would be a wonderful dream world come true.

Sure one day that image would have to change, because that would be a great short term future, a great near future dream, but one day hopefully there will be the addition of kids to look after. So maybe that dream day schedule will change, but the core of it, being with the man I love, being able to pursue my passions (and it be profitable) and looking after our kids, to me, sounds like the most perfect future. And while I can’t wait for that future, I am in no rush. I know that the future is wide open and all sorts of things can happen, life doesn’t follow plans.

 

Darling Daughters

Chapter Thirty-Seven

 

Summer had spent the majority of her summer holidays helping Elizabeth with the finishing touches to the bakery. It looked wonderful. It was a warm peach, just like before. The kitchen was warm and inviting. The lay out was fluid and relaxed. Everything looked as good as before, but now it had more of a country comfort feeling.

Elizabeth knew in her heart there was just one person missing, one person who should have seen the bakery as it is. Elizabeth had smuggled an awkward bundle into the bakery in the middle of the night. It was a beautiful portrait for the baker

With all permits in place, the bakery was ready to open. Elizabeth had handed it over to the town to decide when to open the bakery, it was chosen to be on the anniversary of the fire and of Caroline’s passing.

Elizabeth was touched by the sentiment, they had a week to wait. Everything was in preparation mode. Elizabeth had been making something special, a particular homage to everything Caroline had taught her. A special cake just for the grand opening, to be placed in front of the covered portrait of Caroline, all to be revealed on the opening. Elizabeth insisted she had to make this particular cake, by herself.

Summer would find Elizabeth building the cake, she would recognise the pangs of sadness sweeping over Elizabeth in waves. Simon and Summer tried to sooth and distract her. Often by bringing snacks.

The week flew by and the cake was ready at the last minute.

The town gathered before Elizabeth. She knew she had to say something. Summer took her hand to steady her. “I want to thank you for coming today. It is a bittersweet day. I will be opening Oak’s doors for the first time since the heartbeat and soul of the bakery passed, rebirthed by the fire. Perhaps there is a day that will never be more appropriate than today. This bakery and its patrons filled Caroline’s heart with joy.” Elizabeth swallowed trying to sound much more confident than what she felt. “This town, is nothing short of amazing. You are not just neighbours but each one of you standing here has become part of our lives, welcoming us into the town. I want you to know that I am truly grateful to be able to declare Oaks bakery officially open.” Continue reading

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Ten :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know I am the luckiest girl on the planet, even if I am the most heartbroken right now. Even if I am the most messed up I can be right now. Even if I am the coldest inside I have ever been, the most in pain I have been in years. It took a lot to get to get to this point again. But there is one difference, the one thing that is warming me up, the one thing that is right now, the brightest light, the brightest star in the galaxy. Dyl.

Some days, some nights, some stolen fractions of a morning, I just stop and have to thank my lucky stars. I feel safe with him, really safe, the kind of safe that won’t let me second guess a single thing. The kind of safe that I never imagined. From what started out as something so casual, something where I felt so afraid to fall to where I am now. It’s been the most amazing transformation. No matter how hard I had been fighting it, falling in love with Dyl now feels inevitable.

There’s that thing they say, you have three loves in your life. The first, the second and the third. The first taught me what I did and didn’t want and what I could withstand as a human, it made me grow in ways that I couldn’t have predicted, it made me change and loose the innocence of not knowing any better. The second was pretty much definitely Adrian, some kind of toxic mess. And the third (Dyl) they say lasts forever. I hope with no uncertainty that Dyl is that forever for me.

There’s that thing, he is lacking any real way to describe it as my soul mate. I love all the little nuances. Like the way his lips do this little curly smirky thing when he’s drinking. Or when is really, really happy, like crazy ecstatically happy and excited he smiles a certain way, his cheeks go all bright and he get those funny little dimply things and his eyes crinkle and twinkle. Now that, that is my favourite smile, my favourite face that he pulls. It could light the whole world; it really is the best smile ever. Even writing about it now, it makes me smile just thinking about it. I love seeing him happy it is like the world just seems to filter away a little. Seeing him excited, it really is like a child at Christmas, wide eyed and beautiful. The absolute best place in the world to me, is in his arms. The world just dissolves and falls away and becomes that blurry haze where it can’t harm me. Being in Dyl’s arms? It is like the safest, happiest place I can think of. I couldn’t compare it to anything in the world, I just can’t get enough of spending time with him.

I love baking with him every week, just a little something to do together. It’s fun and silly. He is the chief whisker and I do the measuring and do a little mixing when I get the chance. We have very different styles. He’s more make a mess on the baking tin when trying to put the cake mix in. I am more of a try to keep it neat kind of person, he says that’s where all the fun is. I say all the fun comes from baking with him and rolling my eyes at him when he says that. We are slowly getting more baking adventurous. To a degree. But it is fun to just spend that time working together. It’s the best fun and best thing to do on our day off together. That and watching lots of TV.

We watch all the shows we like to watch together, all kinds of silly things and some cooking shows, a couple of comedies. At the end of a day of doing not much and making lots of cakes, we lay in bed and we watch Cake Boss and chit chat before I inevitably fall asleep first. That is our usual pattern and it is perfect. Plus, it’s kind of cool I can burp like a bloke and be congratulated on it. Even though I can burp like a trouper, his farts could literally melt plastic and he is bizarrely proud of every single one no matter how much it makes the paint peel.

I guess I didn’t realise just how much I needed a relationship like this. A centre stone, a rock in all the chaos, especially at the moment. Dyl, has been so incredibly patient and I guess this is my way of saying my own kind of thank you, from the inside out. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful man in my life. I can’t wait to see what the future holds, there is so many wonderful things that I could say, that I could suggest. I just want this happiness to continue, our fun to continue.

I found my third love, the forever kind.

I don’t know how or why, but we just work, we are alike and polar opposites all at once sometimes. It is one of those things where I can reign my childish tendencies in a bit and do the responsible thing and then there goes Dyl flying by me reminding me its ok to cut loose once in a while. I don’t have to be responsible or switched on all the time. Sure enough I don’t doubt, he is the one. He loves me for who I am the good and the bad and I love him all the same, I love him from the bottom of my heart, even when he does a fart that could melt plastic and peel the wallpaper off the walls. It doesn’t feel like trying, it just feels so natural and so right, I have never been so certain of someone and something before. It feels incredible.