The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One- Hundred and Thirteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I have neglected my health for cosy days in on the sofa eating junk food with Dyl. So yes while I might be happier than I have ever been that does sometimes falter. Sometimes can be quite often, when I look in the mirror and see how much weight I’ve put on, how unhealthy I feel when I just exist.

My waistline has expanded by a few inches and all of what used to be baggy clothing is now tight and I went up a size and now that is getting tight and I just I needed to get a wake-up call. That came when I tried a BMI calculator for the first time in years and it was red. It was reed and it was miserable, according to that, I am obese. It’s so frustrating to think that two years ago, I was skinnier, sure I wasn’t toned and I jiggled but now I am not skinny and I jiggle more than I would like to admit. So here it is.

The thing is they say that you put on weight when you are in a relationship. Sure I did but I did something worse, or at least it feels that way.

I feel like to a degree I have lost myself, I have lost knowing who I am and what I want. My focus had been so altered and sure I have been looking and focusing on all those things that feel good. I ended up in this place of wanting more from something that already felt good and by putting all this pressure on myself to want things to be a certain way I just sort of created all these doubts in my head.

I don’t want to doubt.

I don’t want to worry about things that are going well. It doesn’t work.

I want to be able to relax. So I decided that it was time to pull out this diary and try to talk to myself to make sense of that. So it comes to a point when I need to look at what I wanted before I started a relationship. What was it I was striving for this time last year? I wanted so much and now I am trying to think of what it was and it is so hard to remember. It took a long while. I sat down and let myself think. What do I want now for me, that is only for me ultimately? It was a case of what makes me independently happy. Well, it turns out this is part of it. Writing these makes me happy. It makes me excited to move to the next thing the next idea. Well it took a while to progress. I wanted to know what I really felt made me happy. What brought me to wanting the next phase of wanting.

First of all, I had to remind myself, that this is a universe that is controlled by energy. I reminded myself that I can have anything I want. I can do anything and be anything if I allow it.

So I am going to allow myself into getting healthier and fitter and stronger and I will enjoy it at every step. I am going to bring exciting rewards into my universe.

I had to know what my desires are and it wasn’t hard to realise that I had plenty. I had enough that I could enjoy the idea of and sure winning the lottery is a great idea. But that wasn’t what I was aiming for when it comes to knowing what I want my individual me goals to be big or small.

I want my own home.

I want to get better at my hobbies.

I want to lose weight easily and effortlessly.

I want to learn to drive.

I want freedom and to enjoy my abundance.

I want to write something that really makes a difference on here (or wherever really I guess? All kinds of things could happen).

I want to keep enjoying a steady income.

I want to enjoy my income.

I want to build up my ability to really just create my life effortlessly.

I want to wear that beautiful blue dress I got in the sale a few years ago that I have never worn.

I want a family of my own.

 

Looks like a simple list, it can all fall into place when I am ready to let it happen. Right now I am so very ready to let losing weight happen. I want to enjoy exercising. I want to enjoy eating lots of fruit and vegetables. I want to enjoy eating food that is good for me no matter what it is. I will be easily sustained. Starting to exercise is going to be easy and fun. I am going to enjoy looking forward to exercising. I am going to enjoy feeling hot and sweaty and out of breath. I am going to enjoy the feeling of getting stronger. I am going to enjoy the feeling of feeling healthy. I am going to enjoy the feeling of the weight and the fat just melting away from my body. I am going to enjoy the feeling of my muscles getting stronger and burning more calories. I am going to enjoy the feeling of burning calories with ease. I am looking forward to my fat stores in my tummy to fall away and disappear. I am looking forward to fat stores in what people call “problem areas” falling away effortlessly. It is going to be so much fun and so exciting and so positive to hit my goal weight and waist easily. It’s barely going to take any time at all. I am excited to experience the new body; the stronger, happier, healthier body that I have chosen from my desires. I am so looking forward to this new body that I can’t wait to create it and sculpt it like clay.

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Author Update (July 2018)

What happened in July?

Well I went to Brighton with my partner. I still need to write about that, I wanted to do a couple of posts about the trip. Safe to say I had lots and lots of fun. We even won bits on the claw machine.

Comic con is at the end of the month so that will probably get its own post when I have a few minutes to sit and write properly. But I am excited by it. I have booked tickets for a couple of photos.

It has been a rather frugal couple of weeks in the middle of the month simply because we majorly sort of over spent a bit at Brighton. I’ve been doing a bit of writing, making sure I fit in some time, so hopefully that will make an appearance soon.

Something tells me August will be a very tight month, I ended up having to take time off work sick so that means that bills are the only thing on my mind. That being said, I am glad I tried to save up a little bit for the anniversary in August otherwise that would have been a seriously stressful moment.

It’s been a fairly quiet month other than that, just preparing to re start my diet again, because I rather pigged out a little too much recently. I can’t seem to settle into a diet and just stick to it. My will power sucks. Major. But I am trying to do it. Just not trying as hard as I should be.

What am I watching on Netflix? Well, to be honest, I haven’t really been watching much but I have started watching Pretty Little Liars again. I haven’t seen much that I want to watch. Although out side of Netflix the other half and I are watching the Agents of Shield which is awesome and we are on season 2 now. It makes me want to do a lot more cool stuff.

I am using the Duolingo app on and off, at the moment mostly off, but I am hoping to learn a new language. I feel at the moment like I am under performing in a lot of areas in my life. I am hoping this will be the first step to change that. Time to combat the lazy streak.

So Darling Daughters will release soon, so for those of you wanting to get your hands on the ending… here is the pre-order link for Darling Daughters! Releasing 22nd August 2018

Nothing changes here in terms of throwing plugs in for my amazon books on my author page… I haven’t lost my hope just yet.

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA

xxx

Darling Daughters

Chapter Thirty-Nine

 

By the time Summer received a knock on her dorm door, she knew she was under inspection. Just as she had expected. Elizabeth had been sending streams of messages to Summer to tell her of the tones they had used and their mood.

Summer’s inspection come interrogation had taken an hour and a half, it would be safe to say no stone was left unturned.

Summer was left with a list of strict instructions; one was underlined repeatedly for tonight’s party at the other Darling house. They wanted her to make a True Effort with her appearance and demeanour tonight. The “black tie non optional” instruction had her repress a sigh in their company. Before they departed to go and finish up their preparations.

Both Elizabeth and Summer had been ordered to arrive at eight thirty precisely. They stood beside one another in front of the tall front doors looming over them. They imagined the doors swallowing them whole when they knocked, being invited and welcomed in was an experience every time.

It quickly became apparent that there was an abundance of gentlemen in the room and very few women. From what they could see it was a struggle to find any women in the sea of suited men standing about the house.

Summer and Elizabeth found themselves swallowed by the tide, the guiding hands of their respective grandfather’s leading them around. Introduced to one eligible bachelor to another. Elizabeth and Summer felt their smiles exhausting their cheeks as they remained polite.

It took Elizabeth less than an hour before she her temper was hot under her collar. She made an excuse, about work, and left. Leaving Summer to contend with the consistent parade of eligible though dull bachelors.

Summer excused herself into the garden for some fresh air. Finding her own temper and boredom beginning to rise she just needed to escape. Even for a short while.

Standing the garden, she enjoyed a deep breath of the cool autumn air.

“Excuse me, your grandfather suggested I keep you company.”

“Did he now?” The voice continued to talk to her despite her dismay. He began to talk about the stock market and Summer felt her eyes begin to glaze over. Her shoulders relaxed. The world began to pass by that bit slower. She began trying to search for an escape, knowing it would be futile.

She felt a warm arm reach up around her shoulder and pull her towards its owner, who planted a kiss on her cheek. She turned to find William, she hesitated the agitated response running through her mind and just went with it.

“Hey, thanks for keeping my girl occupied for me, I’m sorry I’m late Darling, got waylaid by a spectacle.” He planted another kiss on her cheek. The man who had been talking to no end about the stock exchange took the brush reasonably well, before shrugging his shoulders.

Summer turned to William and gave him a genuine hug. “Thank you, I think I aged a few years.”

“You’re welcome, but we should discuss recompense.”

“Pardon?” Summer’s eyebrows darted into her forehead.

“For your rescue, it’s going to cost you.”

“What?”

“A date.” Summer laughed but he continued, “I mean it, one date, that was a damn fine rescue from your obvious predicament.”

Summer relented, “one date? That’s all I am agreeing to?”

“One date.”

“Fine, sure ok. I can handle that.”

“I wouldn’t count on it, I aim to woo you and win your heart.”

“I gotta have one to win first.” Summer challenged.

“Ouch… cold, but I know you have one, it’s a good heart I can tell.” He grinned.

“Don’t be so sure.”

“I am sure.”

“As you wish.” She smiled and turned to leave.

“Summer, just so you know, they are all jerks you know.”

“What?”

“The guys who came up with the competition.”

Summer rolled her eyes. “You don’t want to be a campus legend then?”

“God no, I already am one, maybe you will be the campus legend who tames me.”

“You are already tame.”

“I’m not, I still bite, sometimes.” Summer rolled her eyes and walked back into the house.

***

Elizabeth walked into Grimeston town centre and strode into the almost empty diner, a couple were leaving as she arrived. She turned the sign on the door to closed. Not wanting any interruptions right now. Simon asked her what she was doing here.

Elizabeth began to tell him all about the grandparent inspection, and then she brought up the party she had abandoned Summer at. “It was horrendous, they had set up an event full of men that were dull and there was one huge massive flaw with all of them.”

“What was that?”

“None of them were you.”

“Well…”

“I mean it, tonight has taught me that there is only one man I want.”

Simon’s brow furrowed, Elizabeth walked around the counter until she was so close to him their bodies were almost touching. “You.” She kissed him gently, pulling him to her.

When they broke apart they stood smiling from ear to ear.

“Another date?” Simon asked.

“Another date makes…”

“Makes us exclusive”

“It does, does it?”

“If you want.”

“Oh I want…” Elizabeth pulled him into another long kiss.

 

 

For those of you wanting to get your hands on the ending… here is the pre-order link for Darling Daughters! Releasing 22nd August 2018

 

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Twelve :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I started this for the wrong reasons in the wrong way. I wanted to become this deliberate creator of my world, I didn’t even know who I was. I convinced myself all the time of what I wanted. I tried to be something I wasn’t, happy. I tried to convince myself I was. I tried to convince myself what I was doing was right, that this was the right way even when I knew I was wrong. That’s the thing. It has taken over twenty years to understand my past. It took twenty long years to understand the systematic emotional abuse I was exposed to. Twenty years to break free of the brain washing and manipulation to see reality. Now I am here. In this new position and I don’t know if I understand myself any better.

This whole thing started for the right reasons. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to create my own world. And in a way I did.

Now aside from here, when I look at my life, I look at this world I created, I lost the relationship I had with my mother, though being realistic, I think it was so toxic it has taken until now to really open up and speak honestly about it. The relationship I had with one of my best friends has deteriorated. It’s become distant and I don’t doubt that a large portion of that is how I changed, decisions I have made. I guess I started wanting to protect myself some more. The more effective that I get at making my life healthier and happier the more I have lost my connections to who I was.

Who am I becoming in the process? Where have I disconnected from myself?

I guess it has taken shedding the past, shedding what I used to want, or what I thought I wanted and just enjoying where I have come to be. I found the man who has turned out to be the love of my life. I am slowly becoming financially stable, almost… I am getting there. That is better than I was. I found this path that I want to be on.

All the things I need to be doing I have struggled with finding the motivation and strength that comes with perseverance. I have been intermittent and inconsistent with how I am thinking. Now each morning when I get up, I am setting my alarm earlier than I need to and allowing myself at least half an hour of appreciation. I am making that effort of appreciating the life that I am living. I let myself appreciate my work, waking up, my family, my other half, my future. I let myself get excited about the day, I get myself excited about what I can look forward to in each day. I didn’t think about writing this post this morning, no I just decided to see if I could fit it in to my plans, I got some extra unexpected pleasure in my day by choosing to do this. I am choosing to look at my life, where I am right now and where I want to be and I want to make an agreement with myself of what I will do each day as a minimum. I am changing my minimums for each day in the hope that I get to enjoy the maximum each day.

Sounds like I am giving myself more stress and more pressure each month but that is not the case. At least that is not the case I intend. I am going to carve out an hour each day for me. That is an hour each day to reconnect with myself, because with all the stresses lately, I felt so overwhelmed I started shutting down and pulling back from all areas in my life, I don’t want that to be a trend. I want to start reconnecting with all that I love and that I want to be. I am hoping that starting with an hour a day will begin the unlocking of myself and what I am scared to tackle.

Carving out that hour of me time a day is simple enough in theory right? Well I am possibly running before I can walk, but I want to encourage myself in this process to start eating right, start to be healthier and move around more, I want to push forward into my life. That means recovering from old wounds. As hard as that sounds, weeks from now I want to be able to say that writing this post pushed me so much in the right direction, pushed me so far forward with what I wanted to achieve that I made myself proud.

If I can stumble upon creating the love of my life, the perfect partner for me, then what else can I do?

I just want to see where this future path is taking me. I want to push a little more toward the fun that I have been wanting in my life. Even if that means that I have to lose an hour of doing nothing relaxing for doing something, anything, hopefully this in a way, because I do enjoy this. I do enjoy finding and discovering myself about who I am or who I want to be. In these few words I get to discover what my next steps may be, or even reflecting on the past that shaped me, the mistakes and the triumphs. I spend so much time beating myself up away from here, I forget what I wanted to achieve, I come back and I see the reminders I leave myself. Working on being kinder to myself has been interesting as an exercise. I am losing the inner critic of myself over time, it’s voice is becoming quieter and easier to tell off.

I am so thankful of the progress I made from where I started, the things I thought I needed and wanted, where I am now, it is so much happier. Thank you wonderful universe.

Darling Daughters

Chapter Thirty-Eight

 

Returning to Darling college, Summer felt more relaxed than before. Even her dorm was better, the building, the same floor, much better view from the window. And even the same roommate. Getting the dorm organised this year was much easier, they had developed a status quo before that only needed one adaptation, a few more blankets thrown over the sofa for when it got colder.

This year it felt like she was less on show, less staring, people had gotten used to the Darling at Darling college. While she was still nervous, she couldn’t shake the feeling of still being caked in sugar, no matter what she tried. She had this niggling thought that everyone else could tell she felt like she had bathed in icing.

Cassandra was just her usual self, brash and determined. Though seeing the lack of change to how they had set up their space before she relaxed a bit. This year she was less willing to let Summer try to blend into the background. This year Cassandra was determined to be a part of the campus floor party. She even went as far to set up a theme.

Cassandra had set the conversational tone in the room. Summer had given up hiding in her room, choosing to lock it and head for a little walk. She stumbled upon a fellow Storm and Fire cohort. He was planted in the middle of a group of girls, attempting to be dangerously charming. Summer just laughed and walked past William Alexander. She couldn’t help but think she had punched his card right; he is exactly what she had expected. She pretended not to notice him calling her over as she made her way to explore another dorm.

A few rooms later and she had the displeasure of walking into Jamie. It had seemed that the girls had been avidly avoiding him since Cassandra had made it clear to everyone what he was like. He stood awkwardly now, somewhat apologetic in front of her. Summer refused to pay attention and walked off making a mental note to tell Cassandra.

From one room to another Summer wondered until she returned to her dorm to find someone fast asleep on her sofa. “He won’t budge, said he wanted to see you.” Cassandra was bored of the mystery.

“Who is it?” Continue reading