Doctor recommended. That was the big scary wake up call. My health has been declining for years and now I have to do it. The weird part is there are some days where I look at myself and I don’t see the weight I put on straight away, sometimes I don’t recognise myself at all. The joys of dysmorphia. “Is that what I really look like?” my sense of self, what I expect to see in the mirror is wildly inconsistent.

Yes and no about being mad about the first go to response of the Doctor. I guess. Yes I am mad about it being the first solution and step. No because I understand why. With the flare ups in my health, pain and mental health I understand I have massively put on weight, I am ashamed to say.

But I have to do something about it, I can’t keep how I was living up, my body will crap out completely. So now I am fighting tooth and nail.

There are days where I look back at the body I had in my twenties and think “how the F did I think I was fat?” I would love to have that body now. It’s like that smaller version of me is still here trapped inside my body and it changed and altered, I had a kid, I don’t recognise my body at all now. I don’t suddenly expect to loose my mum pooch from walking a bit more and drinking more water, but it is a step in the right direction to building some stamina and energy.

The biggest motivation for loosing weight? I want to be a good mum, I want to be able to run around and play with my kid, I want her to have good memories. I want to build a better relationship with food to have a good example. I’m not asking to change the world, just maybe mine, and hers.

I want to be a good example, no longer eating to self harm. I want to not be the leading path for her to see first hand the disordered eating, I’ve never had a good relationship with food but it feels more important than ever to work on that. We both deserve that.

So, while I reconcile that I won’t have the body I had say ten years ago, I don’t even have all the organs I had, so it would be wildly unrealistic. It does feel like sometimes I can feel that shadow of myself yelling to get out.

I just have to keep reminding myself to take my time.