Author Update (January 2017)

Hiya Guys!

So I drafted some of this month’s Author Update through the month. So lets get through the updates through the month and then towards the bottom, I have something I am adding, something new.

So we have made it through the first month of 2017! Surely I am not the only one who is excited? Yes? No?

I want to know how all of your New Year’s resolutions are going… What did you choose to do and are you still going at it?

So, so far this year I have had my appointment with the pain management team to try to help my ribs. The poked them. The day after a doctors poking they always hurt worse. But the thing is, we have tried nearly everything to manage the pain, so now the suggestion is, injections. And I know I know, for someone with many tattoos I still am scared of needles. It’s a completely different thing.

I am feeling more adventurous this year. I want to do something different. I feel like emotionally I want to take on the world. If I physically could I would love to learn belly dancing and go to ceroc and just breath new life into things. First off, the ribs need sorting first, but secondly, I need to put a priority on writing. So everything in moderation.

Writing accomplishments this month, roughly is a few thousand odd words or at least that is my hope and I’ve not just hallucinated and dreamed the words that never met the page. That could really happen with my new addiction to Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. Plus new Shadow Hunters this month. A very happy square eyed girl is sat typing this.

I must dash now to hopefully go and write some inspired words for The Diary of Elliot Parker for the part two that I hadn’t anticipated feeling the need to write.

Can you have a midlife crisis at 25?

I don’t know if it is really possible, but that is what I have been thinking lately. Writing is a passion, a vocation and I am not in anyway doubting it or not enjoying it. The crisis is really not writing related. It very much feels like writing is the really right feeling thing in my life.

But there is a part of me that is asking what the hell am I doing with the rest of my life? I am still single, people I know are getting married, starting families and then there is me. The ever dreamer drifting a little in every other way.

So I ended up having a heart to heart with my bestie Harry. I think the best way we described how we have been feeling is that we have this feeling our inner child is throwing a tantrum screaming at us. Did we really abandon all of our childhood dreams?

I know I’ve been trying to cleanse this year of bad habits, but maybe I should also be paying more attention to how I feel right now. I know as a child, my dreams were singing, musical related and lots of stories. The only one that I haven’t had to sideline for one reason or another is story telling. So Harry and I decided we would try to sate one of our childhood voices that wanted to do something music related.

So our plan is to learn guitar, he wants to learn piano, and I want to get some breath control back in my ribs again so that I can sing. I miss it. This might be a chance for us to focus on dreams rather than responsibility. Its a midlife crisis, we can be irresponsible and follow what we feel passionately about. It’s our prerogative, instead of watching everyone else living all their dreams.

Every mountain is climbed one step at a time, why not enjoy the steps?

Now for the new addition to this month’s author update.

I would like to say that all my thoughts and prayers go out to my friend and his family on the loss of his little brother Josh. I remember Josh in high school, safe to say he was a hit with the girls, but he was the goofy awesome kid that was eternally a rare and beautiful soul. He is missed, dearly. I haven’t done this before, but I would like to share the crowdfunding page with you all, Josh passed away in Australia and the family needs to raise £10,000 to be able to bring him back home to the UK for a proper goodbye. Josh was very loved, and he was a great comic. The world has lost a beautiful light. May his spirit be unburdened and in eternal happiness and peace. He is loved, and will always be remembered. RIP Josh.

If you would like to contribute, this is his brother’s crowdfunding page in the hope to bring him home https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/bring-joshie-home?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=socpledgedesktop&utm_content=bring-joshie-home&utm_campaign=post-pledge-desktop&utm_term=njWRVKPgP

 

And of course I need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂

The Diary of Elliot Parker is out now!!! I am happy that it’s now launched.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

Pet Peeves

Pet peeves.

Sure you know how it is, when you are single, the assumptions. Like the assumption I have noticed most have, that having a particular kind of “fun” is the only thing you want and is worth having. Yeah, no… walk away now if that is the mind set you have because I don’t want to sooth bruised egos. I know what I want, you know what you want, if it’s not the same, can we agree not to waste each other’s time? One last thing on it- don’t berate someone for not agreeing with your opinion no matter the situation. It’s just so not cool. No matter what.

There are other issues that get on your nerves. Sometimes it comes from something not related to a relationship status.

Like, dare I say, being a writer.

When you tell someone you are a writer, there is generally a few set responses but there is one that I know is the most irritating thing. Someone who goes “you should write this…” or do this or that or whatever.

It is simple, if I wanted to do that, I would, but I don’t, so I don’t want to do that however saleable they think that idea is.

Or the other annoying factor, the closed minded kind. There is only one correct way to do things, their way. Say for instance one person I talked to was insisted that you have to be at least thirty to have some life experience. It has to follow a specific style and sound a certain way. Because you know they consider themselves an expert- someone who has never written or completed a godddamn book in their life. But you know they are an expert.

So of course I am doing it all wrong, right? No.

Ok general things that irritates me as a writer…

– Being told what I should be writing-

Don’t just don’t.

– Being told that I am not following THEIR rules for what a writer is-

I don’t care what your rules are. I enjoy my process not yours don’t push your opinion on me, ever.

– Blatant insults-

No one likes it. Stop.

– The dreaded question “what are you writing about?” –

Because it will never be a simple answer. It’s complicated…

– Can you write a story about me? –

In short NO!

– Am I in your stories? –

In short- read the work and see if you can spot yourself, I hope that things have been good between us otherwise if you do find yourself in something you might not like the answer.

– When will you be finished? –

I don’t know… don’t ask me… its creative writing. Everything is always different.

– Judging, dishonesty and unrequested critiquing –

Don’t be those one of those people, it’s not cool, don’t judge me as person based on what I write. It doesn’t necessary mean it is a desire or request for that behaviour or scene.

If I ask for your thoughts on something, be honest if there is something you like or not.

However unrequested critiquing, I don’t care if my grammar isn’t perfect. If you can understand the thought just go with it.

 

Oh and spellings- no one is perfect and I am not pretending to be.

Yup I said it, don’t push an opinion on me, no one likes it. I won’t be happy about it. I probably won’t put up with it.

So erm yeah… May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

Here is the cheeky little link for The Diary of Elliot Parker available now!!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

Writing Dilemma

Ok so I am hoping that writing this will help me to fix the problem I am having.

Ok so I am editing a piece that I wrote a few years ago, it’s a piece I love. It has a few twists to it. But here is the point, I have a female character who has a love hate relationship with her best friend, although they are more or less allies. But I have pre-paved a boy interest for her, you know one of those douche bags in comparison to the whole story he doesn’t have a focal point but he does have his eye on the girl. It’s going to be a predator prey type thing but who is what tends to be quite fluid. There is a natural divide. So is my main female character going to experiment with the friend (who for those that need clarity is female). It’s not to have a story of experimentation, it’s not even something I considered viable for her. A drunken kiss perhaps at most but I don’t think they blend together in a power couple way. Like personality wise, yes they have each-others backs. But no, they don’t feel like a happy ever after couple thing.

There is a lot of gratitude and affection between them. Sure that line could possibly be blurry. Probably an accidental kiss. But I think said friend is definitely hetero but the main, well there could be a question. An unease. I don’t know. It would make a simple edit/rewrite into a giant rewrite on the ending. I mean I would probably ship them, but ones straight for certain. So I think there is the opportunity for a confusion which could lead to very rushed decisions trying to conform back to the status quo.

I ship them, I can make ship happen. But friend doesn’t fit into the world that she is falling into, flirtationships and oh it’s just so sad. I think I will add that accidental kiss with Dutch courage. Get the ship going just to sink it and shut it down. The first main bi character I would write and she doesn’t get to be herself. It seems so real, like I am sure there are people that deny who they are. Oh this is a sad ship… sad, sad ship. Oh I am sorry, I am so sorry for anyone who reads this and knows how mean I decided to be. I feel sorry for anyone who reads this story and gets hurt by the ship. But the ship hurts me too.

It was never even meant to be an option, or a possibility.

I ship it.

But I am writing it.

So I am sinking the ship.

 

And just in case you are wondering if this is to do with The Diary of Elliot Parker, I am sorry darlings but it’s not.

 

Oh I am writing the scene right now…

Oh ouch “college experience”… heartless girl!

Oh ouch, they are still friends but someone’s still thinking about it.

Man it sucks to see like a movie in my head sucks more seeing how she really looks when she is alone, the thoughts she is trying to ignore.

Wow it kind of sucks.

#betthatwasanawkwarddinner

#swiftlychanging conversation

 

I wonder if this will create more tension in the original planned relationship? How does the new partner navigate the now messy friendship? Questions I need to answer for myself.

 

 

Looks like I gave a little commentary on the writing. But yes, its two whole new chapters that were never meant to be in the book at all… MAGIC…

 

May luck and adventure be on your side 😉

ARA xxx

Here is the cheeky little link for The Diary of Elliot Parker available now!!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

Consider me a mutant

So I have to tell you something. My friend (who for the sake of privacy I will refer to as J), well he recommended I read this book. So sure I didn’t take it seriously, it took me a few months to order the book from amazon. Then it took at least a month before I read the back (and by read I mean skimmed the first three lines) and put it back into my reading pile. Ok so the day comes when I think, ok time I should read it.

I WISH I HAD BEEN RECEPTIVE TO READING IT SOONER!

No word of a lie.

The book that was recommended? Mutant Message Down Under by Marlo Morgan.

I read the first chapter and thought hmm, this looks good. But then my attention wavered and gave it a couple of days. Then I read the rest of the book in one day. Yep that’s right. Morning to evening I didn’t put the book down for longer than two minutes.

I don’t want to give the book away. But I love how well written it is. I love that it is a book where you are able to take away from it as much as you are receptive to. I can see someone reading this book for entertainment and discovering their perspective altered just a tiny bit or a lot.

I came to this book with an understanding to a degree of the law of attraction. This heightened that understanding, underlined it and showed itself in a demonstrative way.

I can see why J thought this book was so important for me to read. I owe him a huge thank you.

Ok so basic story for someone not interested in the law of attraction: Woman goes to outback with a dying race, her life changes because of it, she has to go back to the real world.

Those of us interested in the law of attraction: Amazing journey, a woman ends up going on a journey where she finds her whole belief and life system tested. She comes to understand not only the law of attraction but the incredible details of the world to a very strong understanding of the world. Discovering her natural intuition. She returns to the society she came from and began to try to uplift the resistant. But finds more success on uplifting those closest to her with open minds and hearts.

This book is great.

I started recommending this book before I even reached half way I knew that no matter what the ending was going to be. Sad or happy it was going to be fulfilling. I just knew this book needs sharing. Had it not been for J, I would never have known. But now I do it cannot be ignored.

I would happily direct friends to this book. I genuinely mean it when I say “you should read this book”

Even if you don’t think you will take anything from it, even if it entertains you for a little while, that is great. Because you never know what you will end up taking away from this book.

While I can’t imagine myself doing the whole outback down under adventure of my own, my path doesn’t hold ground in that direction. But I do appreciate the values, the understandings, the teachings that it shows. The lessons and the tests. I know it is not my path to replicate the footsteps, I lived them however through the words on the page. They are as profound as the adventure itself. It is appreciated.

While it is fictitious that doesn’t diminish the possibility to extract something positive from this story. Whether you look at the world with a greater appreciation for the planet or you learn to trust your own instincts.

It is nice to escape for a while into another adventure where you can perhaps come to a newer realisation of self-trust.

Sure the world is probably going downhill. But to be honest. This book is a good read even if for entertainment. It has a very real feel to it.

The story is exactly that, a great story, if it helps you trust your intuition or encourages you to look for good in the world it has done its job.

Looking at the world with appreciation and gratitude is something that a lot of people would enjoy learning, to give up the struggle and resistance and just learn to live a positive life.

So to the author I send thanks and appreciation for the story.

To you readers, I strongly suggest reading this story, if even to find a place of peace or appreciation that you can take from this story and implement it into your everyday lives.

My challenge to you, name one thing each day that you truly appreciate, one thing that you are grateful for, one thing you are genuinely looking forward to tomorrow. Make that your daily challenge please. I’d love it if you all feel good more of the time.

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

Here is the cheeky little link for The Diary of Elliot Parker available now!!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

What is but a name?

How do I name characters?

 

Well that is a question that I am finding hard to answer. There are instances when characters are inspired by real people, this can be tricky, I try not to use real names for real people ever, as you may have noticed. To a degree I respect their privacy. But I also am aware that sounds like a contradiction. Yes, I still tell the story, it is my story, I make it principle that I still give the opportunity to have a degree of privacy. That being said, I am unlikely to use the names of people that mean a lot to me in general, just because again I respect their privacy and because they are precious to me. I am also unlikely to ever name a character a name I would like to name my kids if I ever have them. Partly because it would feel weird to me but partly because I don’t want to presume that it won’t influence who they become as adults. Weird huh?

Characters in a different sense still have that feeling of being almost children, it’s hard to describe. We create them. Sometimes naming them feels impossible, some characters go through a few names until there is one that fits them just right. Its natural.

So, originally I started searching for names via baby naming websites, that can be frustrating, you can however see the meanings which is something I often take into account. Although occasionally it really is just what feels right for the character and their journey. So it can also be easy to end up very split in a name no matter how hard you try. The most recent way that I have chosen to name the characters on a project is to go through a cheap (literally 2 quid) baby name book I picked up, go through and underline names I like and write down names that might be appropriate and to take note of the meanings. Once this is done I got cracking on the fun side of the work which is the writing and the plotting finished. But no once I had a list of names at least 20 to each gender. Then I got cracking on choosing the names appropriate to the story and then made a clear note. Some characters changed their original name in this process.

Sure it can be tricky, of course there are names that naturally appeal to being used for certain characters. I know for a fact there are maybe two or three names that have been used a few times for a few characters. It happens, there are certain characters that just appeal to those names. I do try to find other names but sometimes it just fits to re-use them.

There are odd characters with significant names. Sometimes they are just by nature a character who makes me smile that gets that names.

But not all characters are created equal. Much like when you read a book there are characters that you don’t like there are names you don’t really like so of course they go hand in hand with one another. That being said I don’t always use those names.

I didn’t realise how hard I would find this question.

I name characters in a way that I try to relate their journey or who they are or what they symbolise. That is the core of it. Some of it really is just fun, choosing a name that just feels like that is going to be the right choice.

I don’t know how people name their kids, but pets I can deal with sometime is just is choosing something that suits their personalities.

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

Here is the cheeky little link for The Diary of Elliot Parker available now!!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker Playlist

I am sure you all know by now I sometimes listen to things when I write, sometimes the rhythm just helps me type. Sometimes, the rhythm has me dancing as I type.

So what was the playlist for The Diary of Elliot Parker Part one???

Well. I interrupted my writing this, so time for me to get back to it now that I have updated my music list, got to make sure I have more Ed Sheeran to play.

So ah yes play list…

Right so a majority of the part one was written using youtube and letting that just dictate what I was listening to. Often it would be the odd Abraham Hicks video, there was also a song, at one point it was a brief addiction to a song called “Love Myself” by Hailee Steinfeld. It was fun, great to write to for a while.

I also listened to a bit of The Hunger Games sound track, whether or not that is a guilty pleasure I will let you all decide.

I listened to a lot of the songs I’ve put on my guitar list to learn. I hate you don’t leave me by Demi Lovato was often on repeat. I also had a few of Ed Sheeran’s songs cycling on repeat. Sometimes it just gets to be that way that certain songs just sustain your inspiration for about three or four hours.

The playlist wasn’t too big, I just wish I could remember all the meditations I listened to as well when I was writing so that I could spread that peace and calm.

I am about to start making sure I keep a list of what songs inspire me as I write. Even if it’s just me who enjoys it.

So if you want to know what all this music on constant repeat inspired The Diary of Elliot Parker is OUT NOW! There is even the bonus of a preview of the next three entries in the series!

 

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

LAUNCH DAY IS HERE

Well… Today is the launch of the Kindle book of The Diary of Elliot Parker…

You probably may not know this, but I am super excited about today. This project has taken months. In the early days of the creation of this story I sent the first say 5 chapters of The Diary of Elliot Parker to a few friends/testers that are honest and trustworthy judges.

The response varied, but I was happy that there was one consistency. Everyone had questions, they wanted to know more. They demanded to know more. I kind of felt a bit mean but I didn’t give them the answers. Or the next chapters. But I did do one thing. I asked them what they thought. Those of you that write will know just how scary that is. It is literally like handing a bit of your soul over to someone and asking, “hey what do you think?” It is anxiety inducing. One person assumed the gender of the lead character, Elliot was their own. They didn’t even question sexuality or anything. There was a willingness of my testers who automatically accepted and enjoyed and loved being Elliot Parker.

Now the writing of The Diary of Elliot Parker was a new challenge. I set myself a structure, rules and demands of each entry. To answer a few questions and ask more and to never satisfy the reader, to never have enough of it. I hope that it worked. It’s a new technique I wanted to try. The chapter structure, the scenery. The specific-ness of what I wanted Elliot to reveal each time. I found it a true challenge, I might just have to pull that back and see if it is something I can use in a different way in another project one day.

Well I know I said my aim was to never satisfy you, the reader with the Diary of Elliot Parker. But there is more. In the Kindle book OUT TODAY… just in case you have missed the hints- GO GET IT (please)!!! As a very special thank you to those of you who have been reading Elliot Parker’s entries, I have included the next three entries… that’s right you get a head start on seeing what is going to happen next. Not only are the entries in one nice neat place, there are BONUS entries.

You get to see the exclusive world of what Elliot has to say next.

So with all due respect, gratitude and appreciation I would like to thank the readers of arappleby.com for their willingness to read the stories, to read the writing and the writing exercises and all the fun that I have had writing for this website.

It will be a little while before there is more Elliot Parker so please, keep yourself in those worlds a little longer and splash out on the Kindle book.

Out today!!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I should be angrier than I am. I should be livid. I feel deceived, this room with the books, it was all his doing. It was all his creation.

“You hate me don’t you?” His words punctuate my thoughts.

“I can’t hate you, even when I try and you know that.”

“Are you mad?”

“You know that you asking that is normally the thing that makes me mad. That’s that thing you do.”

“Elliot, what are you thinking.”

“When I said I love you, I meant it, I still mean it. When I said always I meant exactly that. But this, seeing you like this and hearing what you can’t or won’t say in the real world, that is not enough. This needs to have real world consequences.”

“I can’t promise that, I am standing in my own way.”

“You need to sort that out, it is not fair that you and I both know what we want, it is not fair that we both want the same thing ultimately. But I am tired of being the only one willing to pursue that. You need to meet me halfway, at least.”

“I want to.”

“I know that, I know. But this has to have some consequence in the real world. You are the one who insisted we stayed friends. You are the one who keeps us in each other’s orbits. I know this is stupid. It is stupid that I have to say this to you. My friends who have barely any idea of the complications of what goes on with us, they say that you still have feelings for me, that you aren’t over me. I already know that, I read it in you. And yet I have always been the one who made the first move to reconcile arguments to sort things out, I have always tried my best. But you not meeting me half way reinforces the feeling that I had that I was never good enough.”

“That’s not true.”

“I know that. I know that I am good enough. I am worthy. I am standing here, in this created place where we can talk openly and you still want me to jump through the hoops and wait forever. I love you. I do, always. But I need you to meet me half way in the real world. I am tired, so tired of this. Of knowing what I want, knowing that what I want is what you want and yet nothing ever changes. It is time for the real world to change.”

“I want to try.”

“Then try. Meet me halfway. I don’t care that you are following your career and working away. I care that we want the same thing but we can’t work on that if we aren’t working as a team.”

I feel the twist in my stomach. His expression reads hurt. I know I am asking the impossible of him. His conscious self will stand in his way and he will be fighting the stubborn unyielding self. The man standing in his way. I have tried and tried. And now I feel like it is time to just let go of everything I have asked for and let it just happen. To stop beating the drum of what is.

I am done with what is. I am ready for the things that I want. I am letting this struggle go, the struggle with myself, the struggle with him.

If it is in my highest good, if I am vibrationally aligned with this desire it will manifest.

There is nothing that I need to do, I just have to appreciate the knowledge that I have, that I know. Things are always getting better.

“We are a team. We always have been. I am always going to be here for you.” I am sure of every word. I know that he knows what I am saying is true.

“You always are, whenever I need you, I know that you are there.” His expression has softened. He looks less hurt. I just hope that he understands and remembers the truth of the dream when he wakes up.

“Please, just let this have real world consequences, let’s just enjoy the becoming of the both of us working together, being a team again. I am certain that I am ready, I am ready for us, I am ready for us to enjoy every little detail of all that is and all that we are when we are together.”

“Even if I ask you wait for me, to sort out the work side of things.”

“If you ask me for what you want, and you don’t stand in your own way at all… Ask and it is given.”

“Ask and it is given?”

“Always.” I can’t help but take a deep breath here, the smell of the room is fading and I can smell him. I can smell the softness of his skin. His proximity. The feel of his hands taking my own. The proximity of how close his body is to mine. His eyes smiling in the way I know the words behind that look, that is his “I love you” look, the words that are behind the eyes that he doesn’t say. I know I have him, I know I have his heart and his love and I know that I look after him in a way no one else seems to be able to do, or has done. I know the love I give him, the nurturing and unconditional love he receives from me is something he doesn’t know the depth of. I love him unconditionally and whole heartedly. He knows it, he might not actively realise it or understand it. But he knows it, that I am always here. I love him. He knows that. That’s the thing, the future we can have, it is real, it has been asked for from the universe. The universe has already said yes. It is just all a question of alignment. Right?

RELEASED TODAY!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Tonight is the night. I arrived in the room that transforms into the flurry of books and stories. I finally get to see Adrian Kraig. After a few notes passing between dreams, tonight will be the night that I see who has access to my special room.

Somehow, even in another world, another consciousness, I am nervous. I mean, Adrian can get into this room. I wonder what books he looks at; what worlds he chooses when he is here?

I can feel myself falling into the dream, slowly. It’s familiar and reassuring as the wallpaper peels, the floor rumbles, the floorboards reveal the shelves and the books, the cases and the gorgeous books and did I mention the books?

I’m alone in the room, I don’t think I’m early, could I be late? I mean, well it works different here, it might not even be possible. The knot in my stomach grows, I know I shouldn’t dare open a book and go into another world. Instead I decide to find somewhere to sit down. Somewhere comfortable.

I find a little nook between a few of the book cases and manifest myself a few cushions to prop myself up. I run my fingers lazily over the covers of the books, itching to head back to see what happens next for the stowaway girl, but I know I can’t, I have to wait.

I can’t tell how time is really passing, but it feels long, and I didn’t realise it was possible to feel bored in a dream.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Elliot, are you here?” I can hear the voice in the room. It snaps me from the bored daze I had settled in. I feel like I know the voice. Like a distant memory, as I haul myself up from the cushions I find the response pass my lips, “Yeah I’m here.”

I am on my feet and this is it, the nerves twist in my stomach. I come from the little nook and into the clearest floor space.

I know Adrian. I mean, not from the dream world, from the real world. Adrian’s face, his voice, Adrian Kraig is not Adrian Kraig.

I would know Adrian Ferisle anywhere. I’ve been lied to. And he doesn’t seem remotely surprised to see me.

“Elliot.”

“You lied”

“Kraig is my mother’s maiden name.”

“You lied.” I feel like an echo. Like that is seriously all I can say?

“Elliot I am sorry.”

“Why?”

“Would you have agreed if you had known? Would you have still come here if you knew?”

“No… Yes… No, I don’t know. You lied to me.”

“I wanted somewhere that was ours, a safe place where we could reach each other.”

“So you created this room?”

“Yes. And brought you here. I’m sorry. There is just so much that I want to say, that I can’t say not consciously. It is stupid I know but you know me better than I probably know myself, I get in my own way, all the time.”

“Especially with me.”

“Exactly. You and I both know, I really fucked us up.”

“You don’t need me to confirm that. You don’t need me here.”

“I do. I want us to talk. I want us to talk in a way that I can’t mess it up by shutting down.”

I want to walk away. There is nowhere to walk to. The words are out before I can catch them. “Have you learned nothing by now?”

“What do you mean?”

“When we are together, hanging out, I can read you. I can read everything you are not saying and I give you a chance to say it and you never do.”

“You know I don’t believe that you can read people.”

“But you know I am right.”

“You always are.”

“So why here, why bring me here?”

“I want a way that we can speak, to be connected, to be together while I’m away.”

“Will you even be able to remember this in the consciousness?”

“I think it sort of becomes a dream that I can’t always remember.”

“You know I remember?”

“I am counting on it. I need you to know.”

“I already do. You betray yourself all the time. A look, a comment, a message, a smile, a pause when you think it but don’t say it. You told me you would never tell me that you love me. But you never anticipated that I read it in you. In the way your gaze softens and your smile twitches when I am reading it in you. It’s like you know already that I know.”

“I do, though, you know that right?”

“You can’t even say it now can you?”

“I didn’t know I needed to.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to hear.”

“It would. My conscious self, I will get in my own way. The conscious me, believes we can’t be together because he can’t give you what you want, what you deserve.”

“He can, if he really wants to”

“He’s not good enough for you. I am not good enough for you.”

“I have never, not once thought that.”

“I know. But my feeling of unworthiness, my feeling of not being able to give you what you want-”

“But you know I want you.”

“I know; I want you too. You have no idea.”

“I do; you keep forgetting that I know you.”

“The me that you see before you now? Or the me in the real world?”

“Both.”

“Elliot, I might not ever find the way to say this in the real world. But I do love you. You know that right?”

“I always have. Adrian, even here, you still haven’t learned to read me have you?”

“I don’t think I will ever be able to read you, you surprise me, all the time. The things you say, the ideas you have, the things you say when you are tired and you don’t worry about what you say, if it will be awkward or offensive and you just say what is on your mind. You are a surprise. A constant surprise. Do you hate me for this? For this dream?”

“Haven’t you learned anything at all? I can’t hate you, even when I try. I am a bit pissed off, but I can’t say that I hate you.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Life is quieter. Life is more peaceful. I feel more worthy.

From the conscious unfriending of Clover, I have discovered a few things now she has gotten bored and seems to have stopped stabbing me in the back. I keep being told that she is putting herself in situations and making life harder unnecessarily, she is putting herself in risky situations. It is concerning. But to be honest, she doesn’t want to change her life for positivity. I really hope she sorts herself out.

I enjoy the feeling of peace and calm. In the calmness I seem to be receiving more intuitive messages. I feel a stronger connection with the inner self. I feel inspired to action. I don’t feel inadequate or insufficient or lacking.

It feels good to be inspired to action.

A couple of days ago I felt inspired that now was the time to go and get a tattoo that I have been wanting. So I went to somewhere I felt comfortable and had a conversation. I felt inspired to book an appointment for in a few days’ time. I feel assured that the action was in that moment right for me. Sure I forgot the original I left behind that was photocopied but I am going back to get it soon. I like the original its quite cute.

How inspired is this?

Yesterday I wanted my meeting to be cancelled/rescheduled, it was. I got booked in for the inking on a whim.

Today, I was meant to be going to lunch with an old work colleague. I sort of wanted a cancel just so that I could follow a bit of a whim and do some more peace and happy time. I just got a text through, she has cancelled. So I might go get my original, get a bag of sugar, a jug and coconut oil and make myself a sugar scrub… sounds gross I know, but it’s really good and I really like it. I feel inspired to just enjoy relaxing, maybe I will even invest in a shower cap so I can wallow in the wonderful feeling of luxury for an evening. Yea I know, how poetic.

I just found a single random grain of sugar on my keyboard. Maybe it’s a sign that is a good idea? I like it.

I am in a good mood; I can’t put my finger on why. I woke up this way. I woke up feeling at peace. I woke up and I let myself wallow in appreciation. I appreciated how good it felt to breath, how soft the air felt, how rested I felt. It was good to wake and feel sure that today was going to be a good day. It is like I received a message that said, “don’t worry, everything is always working out for you, there is nothing that you need to do, there is no action you must inhabit or garner to make what you want happen. You are a deliberate creator, you are a creative co-creator in this universe and everything is yielding itself to you. You are releasing any and all resistance you may hold in your body with every exhale. You are living the life you intended. You are tuned in, tapped in and turned onto the frequency of your wellbeing.”

I woke up just in that knowing. Knowing that everything is going to be more than ok.

I caught myself in a thought I didn’t want to perpetuate just then, instead I soothed myself with this thought “where I was, is not where I am. Where I am, is not where I am going. What is, is not relevant.” Just got to keep following the inspiration and emotional indicators. I am ready for today’s adventures.

I feel like following impulse today. I just suspect there is some magic coming my way.

I like following these good feelings thoughts. I had forgotten for a while there to just enjoy the simple good ness. Today the intuition seems to have built up, the whims to follow seem stronger. I sort of wonder what pleasures these will lead to. I don’t know why I just have a better feeling now. Last night I felt like I let go of more resistance I didn’t realise I had built up. Or perhaps I had unwittingly built up. I decided to stop looking for messages in the literal sense of what I wanted to manifest, after all yesterday proved the good feeling of following intuition in a given moment. Today feels like the start of just, well not, following what I want which is what I had typed and deleted. I think I meant, today feels like the start of allowing what I want to come to me.

Today just seems to be a giant positive rampage feel. I like just feeling free to let my fingers move across the keyboard doing their own little tap dance as I let the inspiration flow to and through me onto the screen.

I know that with writing being able to translate thoughts and ideas into words, using this feels like a new fun challenge every time my fingers touch the keys. The assurances that it gives me, one more yes for what I am desiring.

So with that thought in mind, I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker. Today I feel inspired to enjoy me. To enjoy every peaceful moment. Today after my shower getting dressed I stole fifteen or so minutes and I read a chapter of the book that I have started reading. I felt quite impressed. I liked it. All good, all inspired. It felt lovely. I know you know the feeling. That stolen little extra time to just allow yourself to have fun and enjoy whatever it is that you want to do and feel inspired to do for a moment in time.

So yes, my name is Elliot Parker. I like feeling at peace, I like feeling happy and sure and strong.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX