The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except, here it’s not.

I maybe the Captain’s addiction, but he is not mine, my addiction? Staying alive.

I might have charmed the Captain to cut himself free of the dead wood men ready to mutiny. On this boat there are two types of men, those that accept that forbidden magic has kept them alive and those that are struggling with the morals. The ones who were dead set against it are now just plain dead.

The Captain accepted my set up as the stowaway girl but no regular stowaway girl would have these powers, no regular person would even have a chance of these powers. They come from specific, influential bloodlines, the stronger the magic… the Captain knows this. The crew have enough knowledge of rumours. What interests me, is that the Captain has magical control. Not just the basic charisma most Captains have that brings the men like moths to the flame ready to serve. Something more. His past is more than just the plain Captain he has lead us all to believe.

I sit on the steps to the helm watching the water around us. Nothing but sea. The Captain had kept himself locked in his cabin since the kiss after we danced on deck.

I’ve been sat here stewing over what I want to do. There has been so much that has been bothering me about all the questions floating through my head about the Captain. I finally decide to stop trying to calculate what the hell my next move is and stand up, straightening my shirt. I pull my hair into a rough bun with a tie of cloth.

I knock on his door, there is a shift and I stand out of view. I knock on the door; curiosity is what forces him to open the door, I just take advantage of his surprise and push past him and into the room. I watch the hesitation before he closes the door. No point making an unwinnable war.

“You’ve not been on deck in a few days.” I feel his eyes tracing my body.

“I’ve been working.” He refuses to meet my eye and looks away.

“Have you? What on?” I cock my head to the side and let a loose strand of hair fall down on my cheek covering my eye. He shakes his head, “nothing” I slowly wrap the loose strand around my finger and push it behind my ear. He sits on his bunk, his cabin is tidier than normal, he’s cleaned up. He must have been bored. I let him catch me looking, at the tidier cabin, I try to hide the racing thoughts. I take a deep breath and lean against the desk taking a deep breath I cross my arms. “What do you want Princess?”

“I want the truth.”

“How very vague, what about?”

“You.”

He smiled, “me?”

“Yes. Who were the blue and creams really after, you or me?” I try to get him to meet my eye but his eyes are fixed on the wall.

“Who do you think?”

“That’s what I can’t decide, I might have more than you may have expected. But I know that you are more than the man you claim to be.” I let my words linger in the air, the silence as deafening as the roar of the ocean on a stormy night.

“That’s an interesting theory.”

“Theory? Who are you really? I don’t believe you are a Captain with that much control by happenstance.”

“You want answers?”

“Would I be here if I didn’t?”

“If you want answers, you need to tell me what turned you into the runaway Princess begging for a strange Captain’s help to escape.”

“Then you will tell me?”

“If you tell me the unadulterated truth. No masks, just us here, and I’m telling no one.”

“Responsibility.”

“What responsibility?”

“I am running from an arranged marriage that I never wanted.”

“Did you meet him?”

“No. I left before he reached the palace.”

“So you are the Princess running from her palace and prince? You take a lot of risks.”

“Are risks really risks if they are calculated?”

“Yes. He could have been a good man.”

“Or a terrible one. It was an arrangement of alliance not of match made romance.”

“You could have come to love him. Instead you chose this life on the run.”

“I chose freedom.”

“Will you ever go back?”

“How can I?”

“Do you think it was an accident you chose my ship?” I felt a shift beneath my feet and it wasn’t the boat, it was me. Was this all an accident. Was this part of something else?

“Who are you really?”

“I want my question answered first.” He stood, he took two or three strides to stand in front of me, the palms of his hands bracing the desk on either side of me, no longer lazily leaning on his desk. His face is close to mine, I could feel his eyes locking onto mine, he wanted honesty, and he stripped the masks between us away completely. “Am I your addiction to?”

I felt every breath harder in my chest, I couldn’t charm my way out of this in any remote option, the best, to tell the truth and hope it’s the one that keeps me alive. I find myself unable to speak, I try but there is some strange feeling in my throat. I could swear my heart beating could be heard on deck. I can’t break free of the struggle to say the words. His face is so close to mine the warmth of his breath is intoxicating. I lean myself a little closer, this time when my lips brush his I am nervous, a different kind of nervous, a giddy heart racing nervous. Our lips touch feather light, I kiss him, so gently I am wondering if it was something of the imagination. Until I kiss him again and his lips meet mine firmly. One kiss then another falls into another, a breathless hunger of kisses fall between us, I pause for the briefest second and my voice is no more than a whisper, even though it is my own biggest betrayal, “yes”…

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Author Update (May 2017)

May is over… So what happened?

I had an interview and got a temp job. Yay! So far so good.

Just a reminder :one change on the site, along the menu bar the Coryburn Girls page that held the secrets pages now lives under the writing exercises… so for all the secrets linked to the Coryburn Girls. Please go to https://arappleby.com/writing-exercises/

The latest binge watch? Well that has been The Good Wife. I’ve finished watching Emerald City,  Poldark and started Thirteen Reasons Why.

I have been trying to consistently practice guitar, I have been learning “Warrior” by Demi Lovato, and started “I see Fire” by Ed Sheeran. I See Fire is destroying my fingers and my patience but I will master it.

I have been tackling the writers block this month, I hope it keeps up and propels forward. I had wanted to finish the first book in the big project, but no such luck yet. I need to be forgiving for it taking time, hopefully it will be complete soon.

The Diary of Elliot Parker has been helping keeping me writing to crack the writers block a bit. I am trying to crack control of my procrastination and binge watching.

Physio is hard, but I keep improving, but I am glad that there is improvement however difficult it is.

The disaster diet?I had hoped to at least loose 10 kilos or more before the end of March. Yeah… no that didn’t happen… I have lost just over a kilo and just over an inch off of my waist so far still… I intend to crack onto it, get healthier and stronger, weight be damned its the strength, stamina and tone I want to achieve… Yeah progress has stopped… I think I just need to work on being healthier than the results.

Of course I still need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂

The Diary of Elliot Parker is out now!!! I am happy that it’s now launched. If you haven’t already, catch up on the whole of the first part of The Diary of Elliot Parker so that this part makes a tiny bit more sense- no guarantees on much sense of Elliot in this part, a wee bit of a confusion cloud is setting in.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

Or if you want to make sure you get the second part bang on time why not pre-order The Diary of Elliot Parker… the second part!!! Yep that’s right, I asked you to pre-order… Out 10th June!

Also available for pre-order if you want a cheeky deal on the collection of the Coryburn girls why not buy the collective ebook or paper back! Here’s that little link you need, ebook available 8th July! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coryburn-Girls-Collection-R-Appleby-ebook/dp/B06Y5Y5KXF/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 its been a long while coming!

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker and that crazy day didn’t stop there obviously.

So how far did I get? Ah, the parking lot, or leaving it I should say. So we drive down the main road talking about the day so far still laughing at the audacity of the man that Clover described as a “ropey piece of…” You get the idea.

So anyway we turn off to avoid the traffic of town and turn off just past the hospital and we are driving along to the first crossroads. A man is standing to cross, well sort of standing, more zombie walking across, he had blood dripping down the side of his face and he reached the other side. Clover shouts out the car asking if he is ok, he nods, like a zombie and she points him in the direction of accident and emergency a road down and has to drive to pull up on the other side of the cross road so other cars can pass. So we call the emergency services, Clover has her eye on the man and I explain to the ambulance team about his injuries and the man runs off. Literally runs off, we turn the car and we are trying to see him, its dark outside and he has disappeared. We try to see if we can spot the man as we drive, however because we can’t find him the ambulance can’t come out. We look up and down the side roads for the next twenty to thirty minutes hoping to spot him.

We can’t find him and we try one last attempt to see if he is ok and we head to accident and emergency. A conversation we don’t quite know how to have.

“This might sound like a bit of a weird question…” Well now the receptionist is listening… “But we saw this man a few roads away and he had blood dripping down the side of his head and…”

The receptionist rolled her eyes, she knew who we were talking about “we know, he did it in here. He came in and kicked off and did that to himself and ran off before we could do anything.”

Ah so it was self-inflicted, suddenly we felt a lot less concerned and responsible. So we got back on track and had to head back to the MaccyD’s we had just been in for the play pit. The other place had closed.

Well the little one ended up having fun playing with a few other kids while we sat on the floor watching her chatting. It had been such a crazy day.

And do you know, the only thing I wanted by the end of the day was to cuddle up with Adrian with a nice hot cup of tea and something stupid on the TV. Out of all the things in the world, he is still what I wanted to comfort me.

With some of the decisions I’ve been trying to make recently, I just needed his special brand of cuddles, even if it’s one of the ones where he pokes me in the back a little. I know I find it agitating but the way we just seem to fit together, it just feels so safe and so much like home. He is my safe place, even if he doesn’t know or understand that, it’s ok. I just don’t think I can forget that day. I don’t think I can forget that he is my safe place. I don’t think I will ever forget that feeling, that after a long hard day when I am exhausted and just in need of feeling safe and comfortable he is the person I think of.

I haven’t discussed this with him, how can I? Just like I really don’t know if I want his opinion, because I think he would tell me to do it and make it all very public. It has been suggested to me that I should write a memoir, about something specific, about the relationship I have with my mother. There is a reason why I am scared to do this, actually there is many. I’ve given it so much thought. Too much thought. But it doesn’t feel right or ready yet. Not because I am protecting her or protecting myself, really protecting myself. But right now, I am still living it and I need the space from it rather than to keep thinking about the way things are. I don’t want to do it and feel worse for it. I want to do it for the right reasons. I want to be able to do it and be able to say “I accept that this made me feel (insert whatever feeling fits like scared or hurt or angry) and that’s ok. I accept that it made me feel like that and I am happy to be in a position where I no longer feel this way and I am able to begin to feel thankful for this experience because it has enabled me to become who I am today. Who I am today is awesome and full of happiness and love and the past has been released.”

That would be the position and emotional place that I want to be in if I do ever decide that I am ready to sit down and write the memoirs that people tell me I should be writing. Right now, I am living it, and just living it is hard enough as it is. I never expected to feel or live this way. But I am not willing to hurt myself more now, when there is a chance that in the future I will be able to write it in a place where it benefits me emotionally to release me from the past, and the present.

I don’t doubt that Adrian would understand if I explained it that way, I just don’t want to feel like I am running away from or avoiding writing it for the wrong reason. He wants the best I am sure but I don’t feel ready for crossing that bridge.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-Five:.

My name is Elliot Parker; I believe I had got to the part when the crazy man decided to call the police?

Ah yeah. So the guy is on the phone to the police and starts giving Clover’s car details and describes the car as yellow. Well my eyes have rolled into my head. The manager is telling her don’t give the guy your phone number. I’ve carelessly but agitated said “the car is ORANGE at least get the damn colour right” I’d had enough. So Clover is given the phone and the man is still going on and the general agitation hasn’t changed. I really can’t be dealing with this guy for much longer. So Clover gets off of the phone and the man starts going on that he needs her details. Clover asks the manager can she please see the CCTV so she goes with the manager and the man follows them, I go and sit back in the car with the little one. The man comes out and starts walking around his car and then walks around Clover’s car then talks at me through the window.

The man starts making a demand at me through the window to call Clover and get her back out. I said, very firmly, “no you can wait, she is with the manager.” He hasn’t listened to me and demands again that I call her, my response? “No I said you can wait.” I swear some people just want to get on my bad side to see if I will end up losing my temper at them. So Clover comes back out with the manager. The man starts going on about the details. He tells her he wants her number. She says no, he says it again. I snap back. Something snapped in me to make me take control again, “You are not having her number.”

“Yes I am I am having her number”

“I SAID you are not having her number.”

Apparently the manager must have been surprised according to Clover (in the post incident chat in the car) but anyway, yeah I talked to the man like he was a five-year-old. He was acting like it. So why not? The man carries on saying “the police said…” I interrupted “I don’t care what the police said.” The manager stepped in and asked what the police said, the man didn’t like the manager stepping in.

“The police said… the police said… and I am doing what the police said.” Couldn’t actually tell us could you mate? Dickhead.

So anyway this bloke is still going on and we eventually pull the information we need out of him like his name and insurance like pulling teeth. So the man drives off without paying for his fuel which makes us laugh a little and the manager walks off pleased the man hasn’t paid for his fuel. So finally Clover and I are sat in the car, with the details of the manager in case the man puts in an insurance claim. So turns out the manager’s name is Richard. We are about to leave when the man swings his car back into the forecourt and stops outside the shop and starts waving at us. Clover asked if he was trying to flag us down again. I told her no, and we are not stopping let’s go.

So we get a short way down the road where there is a split and roundabout. The man speeds to just ahead but beside us and looks right into the car. I stare at him and tell her to wait till he drives off so he can’t follow us. He drives off not in the direction we are headed in and we head to Clover’s.

So of course I started writing the written statement while the phone call to her insurance was taking place to give them a warning that the man is likely to put in a fraudulent claim. So it took about three or so pages to write it out all done and dusted.

A quick trip back to the petrol station to ask the manager if it was possible for a copy of the CCTV. But sadly, the manager, Richard had just left by the time we got there, so a note was left and we could finally get on with the rest of our day…

We drove over to the MaccyD’s with the play pit and little one had fallen asleep in the back of the car. So we got a nice hot drink and I swear we were still laughing about the ridiculousness of the man who had clearly picked her as a target. Let’s face it, a young mum with a kid in the car to him looked like an easy target. The bizarre part was that he had told Clover he would have just let her go if she had said sorry and not lied. Like what the hell is wrong with you to act like such an idiot. I mean causing a huge scene when you are making stuff up isn’t a good look. He thought he had an easy target. But his body language didn’t work in his favour, neither did his manners. The way he spoke so loudly and the big attention seeking body language was designed to embarrass her and threaten her to push her into paying him to shut up and leave her alone.

I have no idea how or why, but that manifestation was incredibly stressful but also it has made me laugh. A LOT!

How could it not make you laugh? It just seemed like the most incredibly ridiculous stupid behaviour I have seen in a very long time. It takes a lot for me to snap, but he got a short blast of me taking control. Something I don’t often do but when I do, it’s hard to cross me. Even if I do shake like a Chihuahua on adrenalin…

But here’s the thing it wasn’t the only crazy thing to happen in one day and leavin*g the parking lot of the MaccyD’s to find another play pit while little one was sleeping was the start of another adventure.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker and today has been madness. Honestly, how on earth did I manifest this?

So Clover and I decided to go to lunch with the little one.

Of course somehow I ended up running behind and was in a rush out the door. So Clover and I had a little chat in the car about the boys in her life.

It was a restaurant that we don’t usually go to, as we were eating we had an idea to go to somewhere with a play park for the little one to play after dinner. The lunch was a lovely treat, Clover made a joke that I couldn’t help but laugh at suggesting I work in a nursery. It’s taken a long time until I have felt sort of comfortable around children. Honestly, I don’t have much experience with them, I am always scared I will squish them, there’s no babies in my family and haven’t been for years so it’s one of those weird things.

I guess, even though I do eventually want kids one day, I really am in no rush.

So after lunch we get in the car again and we stop off at Clover’s regular petrol station. Well, little did we know as we parked at the pump we would be there longer than we had ever intended. A quick stop, that was the plan. And the best laid plans go awry.

While Clover is inside, I am sat with the little one when a guy swerves in to park in the pump in front. Clover came back out and he looked her over. So she gets in the car and we start talking about the bloke who had looked her over. She drove around his bad parking job. Like clear around. Minutes later we hear banging on the back of the car and he’s yelling at her that she hit his car. So she stopped got out looked at her car and walked over to his. He’s still being very loud causing a scene shouting that she hit his car and she’s not entering on his level. She hasn’t hit his car and she states that he starts yelling louder calling her a liar. She has to move the car so someone else can get past so as she is going to park he’s following and pushing her almost getting into the parking spot. I tell her to stay with little one and the car I am going to get security involved. I get out the car take a photo of his license plate, the side of Clover’s car where there are distinctly old scratches he is insisting are from her car. Then I walk over to his car take a photo of the dent, which is huge, not a scuff but a dent. Here is the big issue, if she had dented his car she would have had a real mark on her car. So I walk into the shop part and start looking for a member of staff, I check the shop floor and find the man has followed me inside, and goes to me “what are you doing?”

Like seriously? What a prick. So I respond saying looking for a member of staff. I catch sight of a man in a suit coming out from behind the cash tills, I catch him on his way back into the office. I ask him if there “is any security available? There is a man saying my friend dented his car but she hasn’t and he’s being quite aggressive” There’s no security but he is the manager, and he came out to help us.

So we head back out to the forecourt and the man is still ranting like an idiot, just at the manager who looks at Clover’s car and agrees that the scratches are definitely old. We knew that. And the dent on his car has paint transfer, like the man is yelling, but the difference is the transfer on his car is red. Clover’s car is orange.

The manager tells Clover she is within her rights to leave and drive off with his license details, she didn’t his car.

The man starts getting louder and more erratic telling us that we can’t leave, and so on. I ask the manager if he could check the CCTV for us. He disappears to the office to check and another member of staff comes over to stand with us.

The man is still being very irritating. So the manager comes out and tells Clover it looks like she has gone right around him. The man is still being, loud. The manager tells the man to calm down or leave. Well, that doesn’t go down well the man starts arguing that the manager can’t tell him to leave he has no right. The manager looks annoyed at this point and firmly tells him he can tell him to leave, he is the manager and this is his forecourt. The man carries on being rude saying why is he here why is he getting involved, he works in the pizza place nearby and then he throws a random word out, “immigration” and the three of us are like “what the hell has immigration got to do with this?” the man doesn’t answer and carries on ranting this time saying something about “over three years ago” and pointing at the car. And the rest of the dents in the car are none of our business (and trust me his car had more dents in it then a derby car).  Like seriously?!

So, anyway, this is getting ridiculous now. So did you know I get the shakes with an adrenalin rush? That really doesn’t help my temper in the long term because of the agitation and pain the shakes causes. The manager has had enough of this guy and can tell we have to. The manager advises us that we can get in the car and drive he can’t do anything. That is when the man decides to call the police even after being told that this is not a police matter and the emergency number is not his personal hotline…

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I live for my dreams. Because reality, is short lived. Dreams are eternal.

I noticed something since my conversation with Adrian. When I took the risk and told him in no uncertain terms there was a chance on the table and he ran away; there has been this awkward silence between us. I’ve not pursued it or tried to rebuild the bridge that wasn’t burned.

That’s the thing though isn’t it.

No bridges were burned.

No closure was given.

But this year, since the turning of the year, in the moment that the New Year came to be and I felt it in my soul I have just had this knowing. This knowing that whatever I do I will not make a bad decision on inspiration from a good feeling impulse. I know that everything is always working out for me. But this year, I know that everything is working out for me. I have known that this year isn’t the year of momentous love. Trust me, when I met Adrian, I knew at the turning of the year it would be a year of hope and love, and a few short weeks later I met him. The next year, even though Adrian and I were in a relationship the change of the year felt wrong and sad and hard and like it was going to be another life altering year. We broke up a few months after that New year. I changed a lot that year. So what’s that the first two years since Adrian walked into my life? Then was the New Year of 2016, and that felt like the year of 2016 was personal transformation feeling, like I was different and I was going to be different on my own terms because of my choosing to do so. And honestly, I am not the same girl I was at the start of 2016 as I was at the end of it, I am somewhat a completely different person than the one that Adrian first met. I changed for the better. So this year, when the New Year began, I felt something different. Certainty? Yeah, Clarity? Yeah, but I felt so much more. Like this is the year that it all fell completely into place. Everything I have been working for, or working towards. This is the year of my passion being the best career I could ever have. My intuition is telling me that this year, is the year that everything works out for me however I want it to.

That certainty. How did I get it? How can I just know these things?

Why am I questioning something that is so good?

I love knowing and just enjoying knowing with certainty.

I love him. I love me as well. It’s something I have been learning, it hasn’t been a natural transition. But even if my actions are questionable from the outside, they are done for the right reasons, in the right way that I have access to at the time.

I love him and I don’t want him to go away for work again. I want him to get a job nearby, I want to see what would happen with a second chance. I have been so scared of daring to dream what it looks like. I have been scared to dream or visualise the chance we could have and what it would look like. So scared that it feels safer to imagine winning the lottery. So scared that it feels safer to imagine nothing. To stop imagining because of the doubt within myself of what if it never happens. I need to be ok with it if it never happens. I need to be ok to letting go and not clinging to the hope of a second chance. Yes, deep down, I know we love each other, more than I am capable of expressing, and we could easily fall back together and work on the relationship, we could make it work. But the fear is always there, I fear being hurt, I fear the pain of it and how it feels like your heart is ripped from your chest. The fear is real because it has happened before, it has happened already. The kind of hurt and emotional anguish that it feels like you have cried yourself to the brink of death, your eyes sting and your throat feels like it is on fire. Your lungs are desperate for some real air and you physically cry with your whole body, every single cell in my body hurt so bad when he was cold. It was like he had taken a sheath of ice and cut it jagged and smashed it through my ribcage into my heart and left it there. It hurt more than I know how to express. I fear that ever happening again, I fear ever feeling that helpless and worthless ever again.

But here’s the thing, I know it won’t happen again. I am strong, I will let it hurt a little but I know I can pick myself up again. I know I can survive. I know that I can be happy again, because I am happy now, even writing this with tears streaming down my cheeks. I know I can be happy. I know I won’t ever let my relationship with someone else be more important than the relationship with myself. I am enough. I am enough. I am worthy of never feeling that pain again. The pain is the past and I am letting go of the past. I am letting go of the pain of the resistance of my own happiness and joy. I can be strong enough to survive and thrive and I would never let myself feel that hurt again, because I am not the same person I was and I know that I will never have that hurt again. I will never let myself be so vulnerable in my self-worth. I am enough. I am worthy and I am full of love and joy and hope and happiness. That second chance could be fear free, unconditional, eternal love and happiness.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker, in another world.

I finally found my sea legs on the water again.

The Captain had got the ship out into the ocean as fast as he could as far as he could. I could see the guilt in the crew, the mates they had left dead on the sand in the ambush. The plan had worked, culling mutinous wood. That didn’t mean it didn’t come without a price. A little low moral had spread through the ship, even the joy and bounty of a stolen creation like this. The ship we stole from the sea of blue and cream having left the other two damaged.

Enough lead and sailing away and into the depth of the sea.

I am tired of this ship already. Some of the crew is idle. I can see the boredom of an easy sail now we are out of riskier water.

It’s time I had some fun. It’s been long enough. I pull over some of the buckets and a couple of the remaining crew, the few men we had lost, the rotten wood had left a decent enough bunch of men. I begin to show them something. I tap out a pattern in the buckets and get a couple of the crew to join in. A few instruments we had found below deck were usable, but none of the men had taken them as their own. I get a couple of spare crew to join to tap out onto the metal trims. They are building a song, something easy and fun.

“What are you doing?” The Captain cuts through the start of the fun.

“Enjoying myself Captain.” I don’t wait for his answer; I pull him out into a small space open on the deck. Occasionally I have heard the crew sing, now this time it’s to the tune of my own song. They kept it simple enough and for a moment I let my mask drop, I am smiling, inside and out. I pull the Captain, “come on and follow my lead” I begin to move and he follows me.

Normally he has me mesmerised in his ministrations trying to pull me into embracing every facet of myself, trying to unleash what he hopes will be the path to my desire. But right now, he is certainly not the man in charge. My clothes may be borrowed from what was left behind of the blue and cream sea. The trousers are a little tight and the shirt is loose. A short length of trim ripped from one of the blue blazer makes a good belt, it gives enough of a nod to a figure I had forgotten about, the figure he is memorizing as I move.

This time I am going to be the temptation that breaks his own resolve. The crew fall into a good rhythm working together, some dance, some sing, some create the intoxicating beat that we are dissolving into. The world begins to fall away, I mouth to him “follow my lead” taking a step back, then two. Soon he is trusting me as I dance having the nature take over, the kind of dance that the Princess was never allowed to indulge in. I take his hands, raise them over my head and cross my own as I turn into his body. My back is back to his chest, my arms wrapped around myself, but I pull him that bit closer loosening the grip around myself. Slowly I release his hands and let him settle them on my moving waist as we snake side to side in the rhythm. I can feel his temptation his breath rushing past my ear. I put my hands on top of his own holding my waist. This time, I know he is surprised, I guide his hands down and up between my hip and waist with every gyration.

I pull his hands off of me and spin out and away from him. Now I’m dancing on my own, sort of. My body seems to have a mind of its own springing through the river of music. The crew have been sliding through the tempo, getting faster every step away from the Captain, slowing every time I let the Captain close and tease him to my own beat. Raking my fingers through my hair just letting the freedom to let every care spring free for a short while. The Princess behaving badly.

After a while the ship needs more attention as the wind pulls and whips at our sails.

“Was that so hard?” I whisper in the Captain’s ear as I walk past him.

His hand stops me landing on my waist. “I am.” I giggle and walk away, swaying my hips and going up the stairs to the helm to get a better look at the deck.

I feel the Captain’s eyes watching me. I can’t help but wonder how long I play the innocent girl now, not with him seeing the first glimpses of me embracing my own sensuality. I pull my attention from the Captain and watch the sea birds that have taken to following the ship diving at the fish skimming the sea surface.

I am brought back to reality. “You are the worst behaved Princess I have ever met.” The Captain’s quiet growl in my ear had my complete attention.

“Am I the only one you have met?”

“No. But the only one who has ever been the one to cast that spell.”

“What spell?”

“The spell that has me addicted to you, the one that has me bending to your will.”

“I haven’t cast a spell.”

“I know.” I turn to face him, leaning my back upon the railing that I had been looking over. Our eyes met. For now, his mask was abandoned, I could see the intoxication in his eyes as he pulled my mouth up to meet his. I can feel him smile as he kisses me and I return his kiss. “This kind of addiction can’t be conjured.”

I pull his body closer to mine as we kiss, the wind whipping through my hair lashing out at our faces carelessly in our embrace.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. But right now, it’s not.

The morning damp and chill in the tunnels had set through the crew. Getting everyone walking was hard enough, but now the tunnel floor wasn’t so easy to walk on. The sea had left the rocks beneath our feet slippery and uneasy. The crew gave of air of more than discomfort. The Captain pushed us on walking at full speed, as fast as possible on the slippery rocks under foot. He had taken to standing just behind me, it seems I had become the one leading the way on the surest footings. The further we walked I could feel the free fresh breeze tainted with sea water. I followed the breeze out into where the chamber opened, following the slowly receding water.

“Captain do you trust me?” I turn as his crew begin to spill out into the chamber muttering amongst themselves. The chamber opened into more tunnels, more openings.

“Why?”

“Just answer my question.”

“Yes.”

“Do you trust your crew, completely?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Because I will need your protection from them, if we want to stand a chance to get out of these tunnels and not die.”

“Do what you need to do.” I examine his expression, beyond the mask, I can see tension filling his face preparing himself for a fight.

I crouch down onto the rocks in the very middle of the chamber. I push my fingertips into the silt on the centre stone, I feel the chamber begin to hum with energy. I’m not the only one. The Captain is trying to keep his crew, trying to keep nerve. I am using every of shred of my nerve to reach what I need to read, I follow our trail back, a few streams of blue and cream strands are beginning to walk the tunnels, other streams above in the cave, a few beginning to double back. I begin examining the chamber tunnels, one by one, some rise and fall like a trap. A few tunnels have lurking eyes like saucers filled with danger and death. And only one tunnel that leads to open air.

I begin the lead and in less than three hours we are out of the tunnels and caves and chambers. The ground beneath our feet, crunching, a stone beach sprawling. The place where stone and sea kiss. Boulders, pebbles and driftwood for all the eye can see. We are at the base of a cliff, a temporary beach, beaten to existence by the moons influence on the sea, and soon to be beaten again. We are a turning away from the ships. I walk at full speed, still I haven’t spoken a word. The Captain and the crew trying to keep pace with me, the cold made them stiffer, less swift. And right now, I feel agile I as I navigate my way over boulders and begin to walk in land towards the sprouting grass. Breaching the top of the hill I get the first view of something other than pebbled beach.

I feel a hand clamp around my wrist. I whip around to see the Captain’s firm hand holding me, his crew trailing behind. “You want the ship? You need me.”

“I know. But what are you planning?”

“An ambush”

“For whom? Them or us?”

I smile, “now, Captain, you look nervous.”

“You would too, the crew know you got us out of that place with magic.”

“Then they should be grateful”

“They are scared.” His crew had caught up and kept a cautious distance, not too distant though, they still wanted to know what was being said.

“They are scared, or you are scared, Captain?” Appearances must be kept. I exaggerated my flinching reaction when his hand collided with the side of my face. It hurt, I won’t lie. His crew were watching, and as power plays go, this worked quite well. The Captain, below his mask of being furious wore an expression of remorse. I let the mask twist between surprise, hurt, anger, fear and resentment. But the expression I wore, was a smirking smile. Well played.

It was now that I caught that brief snapshot of a stolen glance at the crew. It was now that I took in whose expression was smug, smirking, happy, eager. I took in the few expressions that wore disagreement, pity, sympathy, something softer than they would want to be seen. In those few seconds I saw just who I could work with, and who I would have to keep an eye on, the test confirmed my suspicions, the test confirmed what the sight wanted me to see, what it wanted to warn me over.

Now I am caught between walking away and the Captain’s grip still tight on my wrist.

I pull my wrist free, an angry mask, and walk ahead in the direction of the ships.

“Where do you think you are going?”

“To go get me a ship.”

“You mean, to go get us a ship” I hear fat Shane question.

“Same difference” I shout over my shoulder still walking. I hear the patter of their feet on the grass making to keep up with me.

We stop in a small sheltered pelt of land, hidden from see and land, you would only know where to find our shelter if magic flowed stronger through their veins than in my own. I like being ambushed as much as the next person, not very. The Captain had kept me on a visibly shorter leash than before. Unlike before, there was no degree of privacy. The Captain wouldn’t let me leave his side for even a minute. The Captain must keep up appearances is what he told me. A good night’s sleep would be hard, for the Captain or myself. The stakes tomorrow were undoubtedly high, but the risk of a mutiny was a growing concern amongst certain crew members. In the depth of the night I pulled the Captain away and aside, pretending to need a little girl’s privacy.

“Captain, tomorrow there will be an opportunity to cut the wood of mutiny, I advise you take it.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Fifty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Since I started dreaming again, I have felt so different. I came to the realisation that I am already the woman that I want to be. That’s the thing, we spend all our life trying to work out how the hell we be the person we wish we were. For some of us we give up on that person we want to be feeling so strapped in and stuck in the life we are already living. For me, that has never been enough.

I have wanted and wished to feel that kind of confident, sexy, strong woman that I have always admired. But something happened this morning, stepping into the shower and letting the water cascade and cleanse me of the day giving me that fresh start, that fresh brand new feeling that the water offers. I had a bit of a realisation, I can be anything and anyone so why can’t I already be that best version of myself? Why can’t I accept my alter-ego becoming part of my every day?

Sure, that’s a great idea, except putting it into practice doesn’t feel as easy as deciding I want to be and embrace every part of me. And my alter ego, she’s a dangerous and formidable woman, sassy and sexy, how do I let myself bring her into every day?

I could start wearing make-up every day, but that is not the most convenient thing in the world. That’s not really how I want to start tapping to all areas of who I can and want to be. Maybe I could be kinder to myself, pampering myself more, listening to music that I love, dancing more, having more fun and freedom. I could even start with something as simple as wearing heels for about an hour a day to get back into the swing. Learning to walk in heels again just to feel that bit sexier. That could be the start I need. I will have to see how that goes.

I know to people I look like I am drifting, aimlessly through life. But they are wrong.

I have aims, they just don’t get to see the thoughts I have in my head.

Do you ever just feel like your energy is beginning to match that of all your dreams, the ones that you’ve been wishing come true? That’s how I have felt recently on the precipice of everything I have been wishing, desiring and lusting after. Maybe it’s the unleashing of all of me?

I can just feel this change that I am the person I have always wanted to be, like every cell in my body is right and perfect to be the thing that is me. I think this is the first time I have ever felt this good, this in tune with everything I have wanted. I just want to move to the music that is pulsing in the under current in my soul. Maybe that is the best way to describe how I have been feeling recently. It started as maybe a beat that my body wanted to be a part of, then when I began to give into the rhythm of my own energy it began to layer and add some more melodies. Now I just feel this urge to dance, to literally dance through life, like I am skimming the surface just like in the song. It is the urge to just do everything that has ever made me feel that breathless exhilaration, that kind of unstoppable smile that comes from the soul. It sounds silly in a way.  I just want to enjoy every moment every single moment no matter how “mundane” I just feel so alive.

It is so new to feel this alive, where body and soul are aligned. I feel like I am really becoming the deliberate creator I have known that I am.

Unlocking my alter ego and dancing with her might be the new start of something completely different. The start of being my whole self. I don’t think I ever realised before, I don’t think I even knew that I had repressed so many parts of myself. Now I just feel open to all the elements of myself. Open to all the possibilities of who I am. I like the idea of being a walking contradiction.

My existence is a walking contradiction. So why not embrace and enjoy it. No longer having to be at odds and resistant even with myself. After all, with all the changes I have been making, with all the new things I am becoming better at accessing and enjoying, why not embrace every side of myself? I’ve certainly become a lot braver. I am certainly much stronger and much more at ease within myself. I no longer feel like a deliberate creator locked in resistance within herself. I feel like the resistance that was there has been transformed into something else. I feel like I have been transformed into something else. I have been transformed into me. I have been transformed into the woman that I have always wanted to be, that I believed that I had the potential to become, I am all of me.

I am all of me. Everything I wanted to be as a child, everything I wanted to be as a teenager, I am everything, finally able to say I fit my skin, I fit my potential. This is me.

This is me, all of me, every little bit of me connected into the universe, I am so in tune with the energy I am releasing, knowing it is a complete match to everything I have been desiring. Maybe this year, actually not maybe, this is the year that I get to be part of every bit the best of me.

I am so grateful that I get to enjoy this, that I get to enjoy the best of me. It makes me wonder how many people feel this, how many people enjoy this feeling?

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Nine :.

… My name is Elliot Parker, sometimes. Right now, I am pleased it’s not.

… “Anyone could be mistaken to think that you like this.” His smile in his voice, his tease.

I let the corner of my mouth twitch, knowing he is looking for a reaction. “Anyone could be mistaken. But are you?”

“Oh I don’t think you like this, I know you do.”

“Do I?” I try to ask as innocently as possible.

His voice lowers just a fraction more, I didn’t think it would be possible to have a conversation whispered as quietly as this. “Princess, we both know you hold your virtue still because of me.”

“Says the man who wants to take it.” I quip, wanting to get through to something real in him. Wanting to diffuse the situation.

“One of many I am sure. Any man can take what he wants.” What does that mean?

“So you don’t want it?”

“Don’t mistake for a second, I want it, but there is something else I want.”

“What?”

“I want you to offer it to me, willingly.” I swallow under his scrutiny, watching my every heartbeat fluttering under the surface of my skin.

“That won’t happen” I try to sound clear, my voice choking a little in the whisper, am I trying to convince him or myself?

“It will happen; you won’t just offer it to me willingly, I know that much for certain.” He brushed the fluttering pulse in my neck with his thumb. I try to move but his other arm is wrapped firmly around my waist.

“How can you be so sure?” I feel his thumb slide to under my jaw, to the hollow under the chin. Is this a warning? A threat?

“Oh I promise you, just to be sure we are singing from the same score, princess, you will offer yourself to me willingly.” He let the silence grow, “you will offer your virtue.” I could hear the smile playing on his lips. His certainty made me uncomfortable, unsure.

“I doubt it.”

“You will. I can see it crossing your mind, I can see you wondering.”

“What?”

“What it would feel like for my lips to not just be brushing and teasing your neck, but to tease every tiny inch of your soft skin.”

“I’m not”

“You are; you shouldn’t lie to me.” I feel his teeth brush my skin so gently I could tell my heartbeat had given me away, I could feel my heart thudding in my chest so hard I wondered if it was possible to beat like this, like it could be heard. “You want me, just as much as I want you. Let’s stop pretending.”

“There’s no pretence here… Captain.” Trying to sound as final as possible.

“Careful princess, or I won’t take you at your offer, I’ll have you begging first.”

“What? You’re going to torture it out of me?” He laughed out loud at me then, getting the attention of the few crew members still awake.

“It won’t be the kind of torture you assume of me princess. It will be the kind of torture that holds you in total suspense, every breath of it, feeling the burn of your own desire in every part of your body, untamed, aching for release.” I try to stop myself imagining closing the distance of what separates us now, I try to stop myself tensing under his touch. As if he has read my mind his words call me back, “still sure you don’t want me princess?”

I try to shrug and readjust my shoulders, but I end up sliding from his lap a little. I can feel the cold of the tunnel floor it sends a jolt of tension through my body. The Captain pulls me back onto his lap. I understand in that moment, the crew might think I was a lap warmer, but he was the one doing the warming, keeping me off the cold of the floor. I turn a little wriggling in his grip so I can see him, see his face in the cooled air. I let myself take in his eyes, seeing through the mask that this once matches the true expression of himself, surprise at my turning to look at him. He probably expected me to sulk or pretend he didn’t exist. But here I was, looking, watching, examining him. He might be right, he is probably right, in time too much exposure to him and I might just offer. But there is no way to put the kind of distance I need between us.

I choose to try diplomacy in this moment, “thank you” I whisper before I kiss his cheek and turn back around to sooth the ache in my back from twisting round like that. I wiggle my shoulders just a little to get a little space and curl into the warmth. I lean my head back a little so it rests on his shoulder. I feel him tense for a moment, before he rests his cheek on my hair. There is no way of escaping the proximity of him, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. I feel my own begin to slow and relax. Slowly I let myself feel the calm darkness of sleep. I feel him move, checking to see if I am gone to the world, I doubt from the angle he could see, even if he could, my eyes are shut even if my mind is wide open. I feel him slowly began to rest his cheek back on my hair trying to be gentle. I can’t help but let the corners of my mouth twitch, a small smile.

I may not trust this man yet, but I am learning him. I may not like this man, he probably doesn’t like me much either. But at least he is protecting me, whatever the reason may be. The same may not be said for some of crew, would they be wise enough to not make an enemy of me. For all his faults the Captain knows just what kind of asset or catastrophe I can choose to be at the turn of a dime.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2