The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. If I am a deliberate creator, why do I feel so out of control right now?

Two weeks ago I decided to surprise my mother. I decided to just stop by her house, yup I said her house. She kicked me out two years ago and put block after block on me visiting her. But I was in the area and I decided to take a little control and stop by and have a chat. That is how the truth came out. She wasn’t home, but the man she had kicked me out for was. The one I didn’t approve of, never had never will. She kicked me out because he was out of prison and she wanted him back in the house.

She had spent months saying they broke up and he was moving out but dragging his heels taking his stuff slowly. So confronted by the site of him opening the door and telling me she wasn’t in I decided now was the best chance I had of knowing the truth.

I asked him if he lived there, he said yes. I asked him if they were still together, he said yes. I asked him how together was together, he pulled his hand out of his pocket and showed me his wedding ring. I asked how long, three years- when he was still in prison. She had lied. Repeatedly. All those times I had asked her about the ring and all she said was it made him feel better about being inside, she denied being married to him, time and again. She had lied again. I didn’t even feel surprised. I don’t think she has ever told me the damn truth. Like an idiot I stood there. Like an idiot I said “so you’re not moving out?”, no was his response. That’s when he invited me in, then I remembered one of what I was about to find out one of her many lies. So I asked him if he was trying to do some kind of harm to me because I didn’t help with his court case he said no, he had no use of me. Another one of her looming dangerous threats and lies disappeared. So I stepped through the door of my old home.

I asked if my dog was about, I couldn’t hear him behind the living room door. He said no. He said my mother had rehomed him months ago. Without my consent. That was it, my baby was gone, the only thing that she could have manipulated and forced me to get back into that house was gone. And it broke my heart, not that she no longer had something to hold over me. But like yet another lie that she had been forcing down my throat telling me, my baby wasn’t really there. My baby was gone, there was no way I could find him or bring him back. There is no way I could bring my JJ home. There was no way I could hug him again, there was no way I could have had the chance to say good bye. He was gone. I was told that Madam as I call my mother, had rehomed him months ago to a farm. I’m not a five-year-old anymore, when people say they rehomed a dog or a pet to a farm it normally translates to the pet was put down. That is when the first seeds of hatred really sprouted up and started to really grow.

I went into the living room, the TV was on and working and it wasn’t at all broken. Unlike what madam had been telling, she had said my boy had thrown a tennis ball into the TV screen and broke it. Trying to get a new TV out of it. Well, that didn’t surprise me, I even asked her *Swallows the bile* husband about the TV if it had ever been broken. He said no. By now disbelief and surprise were impossible. That is when he said something, he had been wanting to contact me recently. That had my interest, he wanted to send me a message to say that he realised now that I hadn’t been blackmailing my mother and that he should never harassed and threatened me by text. I said it would have been impossible for him to message me, I refused to give my mother my new number since I changed it after his messages. I wasn’t surprised that she said I was blackmailing her, because of those messages that when I asked her about it she said it was because he was all up in her face and she had to say something, anything for him to back off. What frustrated me was that she was still trying to sell those lies, even now. Those same old falsehoods. And I was always the villain, no matter what, even when it was entirely her behaviour, her choice, her fault it was always still all blamed on me. I must have seemed pathetic, I felt it right then, another one of her lies, all at her own convenience. Always saving her own damn skin. Always so she can be the victim, so she can garner sympathy, be at the centre of attention, so she can’t be blamed, so she isn’t responsible for her actions. It always had to be my fault. The scapegoat.

I suppose I must have been deer in the headlight a little, I suppose he was too. He even offered me a cup of tea. The man she had told me was threatening me, wanted me dead, was holding a civilised conversation with me and even offered me a cup of tea in the house that I grew up in. I refused, too many bad memories and to be honest, I still didn’t feel safe. I suspect I haven’t felt safe in that house, not really, not once. I was always under some kind of fire.

 

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Grief is a terrible thing. Right now I feel like I am grieving so much. I haven’t been here for so long. Not physically and definitely not mentally. Coming back here. It is different. It feels harder than it ever has. But then again, how is anything meant to feel the same.

I feel like I am on the verge of a storm of tears all the goddamn time. I feel like I am drowning. I’ve been playing for so long, pretending I had control. Trying to convince myself I could be in control of my life and how I feel and what would happen.

I was wrong.

If I deliberately created this, it seems all I created was freedom and the grief freedom brings.

It is time I told the truth, to myself.

I spent my life being controlled and manipulated. It has taken having a normal, healthy, happy relationship for me to see everything differently. From the reality of life rather than the screwed up tinted frame of what someone else wanted me to see.

I’ve seen the truth for all it is in every instance. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother.

It has taken years in cognitive behavioural therapy to finally find words and names of it and I finally feel ready to acknowledge it for what it is. Because right now, how I feel is in free fall. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks. I wake up every few hours. Normally I am a full sleeper and I am grumpy as hell if I don’t sleep. Well without real rest for weeks now I feel like an emotional volcano waiting to explode. And I do. Every night when I lay in bed and there is nothing at all to distract myself with. No matter how exhausted I am I can’t fall asleep. All I can do is cry. I spend the days keeping it in. But at night, there is nothing to stop the floods. Every morning I wake up with that horrid hangover you get from crying your soul out.

You see, recently I found out the truth that I had needed to know. I found that the last tethers I had, the last shreds of rope that I had been tied down with were destroyed.

Sounds stupid right? How could I be tied down and not know it? How could I not know all that I do now? I suppose I sort of, subconsciously did, but I got to find out the whole lot, the whole truth, everything I needed to know from someone who didn’t have the agenda to lie to me. What hold she had to manipulate me with, what she was holding over me was gone. I was free. I am free.

The truth hurts, but I feel better for it. I was fed up to death with all the lies. Lies from the moment I was born it felt like.

So what is it like being free from that chaos and manipulation? It feels foreign. It feels weird. Like a new kind of grief. Like so many kinds of grief, I feel like I am grieving over so many things at once it’s a struggle to know where to start. It’s a struggle some times to know why I feel so emotional.

Some nights I just feel the foundations crumbling apart. I feel chunks of who I am falling away now that I am free from the torment I am struggling to find out who the hell I really am. There is only one consistency. One reassurance in the mist of this shitstorm, Dyl. I break down more, and I hate that I can’t help doing it in front of him. I just feel so on edge all the time. I just feel like I am trying to accomplish too much. I am trying to be too strong. I am trying so hard to get my shit together and stop falling apart when that is all I want to do.

Yes, I have suffered with depression before, but this feels different. It feels like that dark cloud is trying to get a grip to take hold and destroy me again but I keep fighting it all the time. I am so tired of fighting but I know I can’t let myself stop. I can’t stop fighting or I will never survive. I want to survive. I can’t let myself be swallowed up in the pain like I was before. I can’t let the unravelling of everything be the thing that kills me. I can’t let finally being free destroy me. I can’t let my liberation be the thing that messes up all the progress I made. I will not go back. I will not let myself fall further down the rabbit hole. I will not stop fighting. Not this time. It was so hard rebuilding the last time it took over. This time I will weather the storm. I will survive this storm and I will thrive. I have to. I have too much to live for.

I just have to find a way to slowly break down how I am feeling. I have to work it all out. But I think to do that, I think I need to explain how the ropes were broken. I need to tell the most unbelievable truth, but it’s the truth, it is my truth. It is my reality. It is what has been pulling me apart from the inside out. It is time I let myself just be free, whatever that is, it is such a heavy feeling. I thought being free was meant to feel lighter, like a weight lifted, instead the weight of the grief that has come with it has been like an elephant sat on my chest. No matter how hard I try to take care of myself, I can’t get that elephant to leave me alone.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I did something I haven’t done in such a long time. I read a book, actually I read more than one. Four to be exact. In just over a week. I couldn’t stop. I was obsessed. Not a self-help book. Not a meditation book. Just a book. There’s something about opening a book and letting it transform you in a way and boy do I feel different. I feel, so much more the badass than I remember feeling for a long time. This was something independent on realities influence.

At work, lots of people come and go, someone surprised me though. I had been walking around and a man, elderly. With grey hair and dark tan skin and a smile called to me. I had been thinking about getting home reading more of that book and the man, he said “hello your majesty” to get my attention. I was surprised. Utterly. He smiled and was lovely and polite and asked a couple of questions and told me a little of his family before I had to go and help someone. I didn’t see him leave, but he had truly surprised me. Being called “your majesty” was strange. I don’t know, I kinda liked it. I suppose. I think it was funny in a way, a way to see deliberate creation at work, instantaneous, resistant free. The book I had been reading was about a queen. A badass one at that.

In reality, I know I am no queen. But there is a problem with that, I have to correct that, because in some ways I am. In the spirit dreams, I am. Even though I haven’t had any in ages, I know regardless of what dream I enter, there is a degree of something unwritten. In my dreams I am the one thing I have never associated myself with being, I can’t imagine my waking days as being royalty. It feels like a much too precious a thing. But when it comes to dreams that is different.

There was something else in those books that unleashed something. Not a badass queen. No this was different.

I hadn’t thought about it before, the type of kisses that there are, the way a kiss can feel.

I can’t remember what the last one with Adrian was like. I can’t work it out. I can’t imagine it, not that I want to.

But I can remember the last one I had when Dyl dropped me home Saturday. It was freezing and we were tired. It was starting to rain. Where I live creates this wind tunnel kind of effect, which makes my hair whirl and whip and it becomes a total mess. He kissed me softly, like one of those well practiced, well executed goodbye kisses. In that moment that wasn’t enough. So when he pulled back, I couldn’t resist snaking my hand round to the back of his neck and pulling him into another kiss. I didn’t want it to end, I suppose it could be called a hungry kiss. The kind where you pull someone closer, the kind where you want it to show them how you feel about them. That kind of kiss that says “you’re it, you’re the one, you are mine” was what I had aimed for.

This morning I woke up and realised that it is about time we celebrated that we have made it so far, given how resistant I was at first to let myself develop feelings for him. I remember it feeling like I was fighting the inevitable, like I was fighting a losing battle and it petrified me in some ways, falling for him if he wasn’t feeling the same. After how we started, it wouldn’t have been an irrational fear. We were only meant to be friends with benefits. Short lived. Turns out that was impossible, we ended up falling in love and no matter how much I tried to resist I knew that was what was happening. I tried living in denial. But we started dating and became practically inseparable. Like an addiction. When I feel weak and stressed and like there is the wildest hurricane of negative emotion in me just a small moment with him; a message, a call, a smile, a hug, a kiss… it just revives me and brings me to this irresistible peace.

Today I woke up and felt like celebrating, I guess total appreciation for where I am in my life now is pretty good. Even with family passing judgement today that I wasted so much of my potential and ended up in this job. But I am just thankful I did, because I am where I needed to be all along. I found someone that brings me peace, I found my vocation and passion, and I found a job to tide me over until my passion is financially justified. That is ok. I am happy and I am ready with all these good things going on with life…

There is no such thing as wasted potential. The families dream for me were different from my own, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Until I started making those decisions for myself. Until I decided who I wanted to be none of it would have mattered and making them happy wouldn’t have made me happy. I wouldn’t be here now.

I know who I am. That is more than enough. I am happy with who I am. I am satisfied immensely and I know that there is an out pouring of good things, an abundance of everything I desire flowing to me with ease and joy. I am happy. I am in love. I am me. I am Elliot Parker, deliberate creator… who needs to work a little harder at consistently deliberately creating her life. But hey what’s a little contrast for a girl who has changed her life, saved it in some respects.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred and One :.

My name is Elliot Parker and it has been a long while since I paid much attention to my thoughts and I think that is now biting me on the butt big time. Counter intuitive I know, after all, your thoughts become things.  I have found myself trying to pull back from Dyl, not because I want to but because I have been worried I have been asking for too much of his time. I suppose I didn’t expect the old scars of the last relationship to be bothering me when I am happy, because I am happy. Yet here the scars are, seeping in and making me worry. I think all the time I was with Adrian I felt like I was always asking too much of him, too much a demand on his time because he never seemed to willingly give it, I know that was not how a relationship was supposed to be. And yet now, when Dyl gives me his time so willingly I am worrying I am overstaying my welcome in his company, that I am over stepping. Not because he makes me feel that way. But because I have learned to feel that way. I know it feels absolutely ridiculous and I can barely explain it to myself.

I suppose, I had harboured the fears for a week or two now. I suppose, perhaps triggered by a choice that was recently made. I said that he had to choose what was right for him. I meant it. I know that my concerns are probably one-hundred percent illogical. He chose a day off that would give us most of an evening together and to be fair he chose a day he wanted off. Part of me just seemed to get caught up in the worry that there was something more to it, something more to his choice of not going for a day where we would have off together. I suppose logic wasn’t the first thought or feeling perhaps I had, I suppose, it felt something more akin to feeling a little like hurt or rejection. Stupid but true. I suppose giving that some quiet validation and being able to then logically invalidate my concerns. Rather than harbour them and keep them quiet I stopped letting that concern fester and grow, I opened it into a conversation with Dyl at last today… it was completely illogical to have those concerns. It took less than five minutes to be able to dismantle the concerns with his support. Rather than taking them as an affront Dyl tried to understand the how and the why. Then showed me how he decided that the decision was aside of the concerns I had and reminded me that he wants us to move in together. And like that the concerns dissipated. It turns out giving the concerns a voice and bringing them to the table was the right path for us. It helped alleviate them.

Being able to talk about my concerns, allowing them that brief voice was the best way to dismiss them and turn them to nothing more than smoke in the air. It took its power away, it took the thoughts power away, the power to over think the concern was lifted and it became much easier to walk away from without that niggling after thought. That was exactly wanted.

I don’t think I could pull back from Dyl no matter how many times I have tried. When we first started talking, I tried and failed. When we first started hanging out, again I tried to pull back and I failed. As I developed feelings I tried again and failed. I don’t think it is possible for me to be able to pull away. I try to pull away when I am scared but with him it can at times be very much impossible to feel anything other than happiness and love and I know that it is right. I know that we are right, we are naturally drawn together because we make each other happy. We try to calm each other’s fears or concerns or worries. I know I fought us developing into a relationship for a very long time. I was so afraid of a relationship like the last but I know it would be impossible for us to ever replicate that. Our relationship is formed on so many wonderful things, on happiness and trust and patience and love and respect. How can a darkness such as fear and insecurity live in such bright wonderful feelings? The simple answer is that it can’t.

I am amazed every day when I wake up, there is no challenge to think of something wonderful. That very first thought of the day is no longer negative or a challenge to find that something wonderful. My first thought when I wake up is being thankful to have Dyl in my life. Starting the day with that one thankful thought can make it easier to avalanche a thought of something else wonderful and appreciative. Each day begins wonderfully with a thankful blessed feeling and every night ends with the same thankful blessed feeling. I can’t help but keep feeling lucky and sure and wonderful every day.

I think that my harbouring those concerns for that week without giving them voice and air to turn them to smoke couldn’t even stop my general happiness, sure it brought me into a little bit of a weird dissociative feeling. Like a strange funk. Like I had second guessed my own second guessing for a week, now that is over its kind of like a wave of quiet relief.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am not going to be my own worst enemy anymore. I am just going to enjoy being happy and stop getting in my own way. Stop over thinking things. I am happy and that is important. I am safe and that is wonderful. I am in love.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred :.

My name is Elliot Parker, I’ve barely heard from Adrian in a long time, but that is ok I guess, it is time we all move forward. Things have been changing a lot recently.

I finally got the courage to be able to tell Dylan that I love him. So there we were sat cuddling on the sofa on our first official month together, and I managed to say it. “I just want you to know, I love you.” I guess part of me expected to hear something very Adrian like “I won’t ever be able to say that to you” or something like “I don’t feel that way” I don’t know if I even expected an answer. That didn’t happen though. He said “I love you too.” So obviously we kissed, who wouldn’t kiss at a moment like that.

Since then, it feels like I have been living a dream. I haven’t had time to think, I have literally just been living, we have gone on outings, managed to spend every free moment when we can be together, together.

We spent a whole week together and didn’t kill each other. Like in a way it was a great trial run to see if we have a future together and it really does seem very possible. I can’t believe how lucky I am; it just feels blessed.

I know it’s not necessarily that I am lucky, it is probably more that I am a deliberate creator and I wanted a wonderful life and that is exactly what is happening.

Dyl is showing me every day, without trying that he is exactly who I want to be around. He is incredible. I get a message at least once a day that makes me smile. He is unfailingly kind and I couldn’t imagine life without him now.

Sure I resisted the idea of us developing feelings for each other at first. But, I am so glad I caved, I love him. I didn’t think I would or could love anyone else again but here I am. In love with the sweetest man on earth. He is just such a naturally happy person. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

We’ve had quite a few serious talks over the last few weeks, starting with the traditional what can we picture together as a future together type conversation. Slowly it became a case of me asking, I am planning to save up for some things, I want to know, if I can, can we save for some things together to build our future together. What would we like to achieve together, what can we start working on together? That lead to us discussing the goals on the list, our financial realities. Safe to say this deliberate creator is working on becoming less resistant towards the incoming flow of abundance and money. That aside, we agreed on some goals to work on. We are both working on getting things sorted for next year, we want to live together when it is something we can financially feasibly afford. And I am sure that there will be a beneficial change to our income very soon, anything is possible and abundance flows freely towards us.

Right now I have one thing on my mind, seeing Dylan again really soon. I just want to spend a little stolen time together; things have been very crazy recently so getting some time together is always a golden opportunity.

However not all is good in my world. Clover. She is still refusing to be remotely supportive of the relationship between Dylan and myself. Since then, since our arguments and since I have been standing my ground and sticking up for myself a bit more there has been a distinct lack of communication between us. It bites at me simply because if this was the other way around she would expect the same support from me. Dylan isn’t a bad influence; he is a good guy who constantly finds ways to make me smile. He is incredible and she refuses to even meet him, it is one excuse after another.  She doesn’t want to support the happiness from the way it looks. Dylan doesn’t constantly let me down. He and I are working on building a long term future together, I just had hoped I would have had her support. I would have liked for her to want me to be happy and not just say it but to mean it too. However, I think she might just need some time.

Given how long it has taken me to write this who knows, maybe next time I sit down to write “My name is Elliot Parker” she will have stopped being a thorn in the side of a happy life and begun being part of the garden that is blooming… I just hope she isn’t going to be a weed that needs up-rooting. I know that sounds drastic. But, in this life we have to protect our happiness and I don’t want a toxic energy still influencing my future and what I want to manifest. I want my friend back, in the good goofy sense. I want my friend that wants to hang out and mess around and be idiots with. I want my friend that doesn’t have to or want to only talk about boys with. I want my friend that I can discuss the important things with, like me talking to my dad again, things that big that are that huge and important and scary all at once. I want that friend where we help each other with any worries and share in each other’s happiness and try to build each other up. I just hope Clover is up for that step though, I keep trying and meeting a brick wall, so maybe one day I will get through to her, that or I will just walk away eventually. She is that love/hate friend sometimes, she is marmite.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety- Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the room around me feels distorted. It is familiar as I begin to try to piece together where I am. It’s the room that changes, the one with the books. Except it is darker than I remember. There is no light. The books appear in and out of focus, but I can feel I am not alone here. There is a prickling sensation at the back of my neck, it no longer feels like the safe soft dream I remembered.

“I haven’t seen you in a while” his voice is just as distorted as the room. I would recognise it anywhere. Adrian. I turn to where his voice had come from but there is no one there.

“It’s been weird, hard to talk to you lately.” I choke on my words knowing how insufficient I sound.

“What do you expect?” He sounds cold for a moment before he speaks again, “you gave up on me.”

“It’s not like that.” I try to defend myself. “Ok, maybe it is, but you didn’t change like you promised. You didn’t exactly fight for me did you?”

“What if I did now? Would it make a difference?” Finally, I see him take his form in the room. The books stay absent now. Its bare shelves and just us in the room.

“Not really. It’s too little too late. How many chances did I give you?”

“Too many.” The silence hangs in the room for a while. “I miss you.”

“You too, you’ve been drinking again.” I say, I my voice feels cold now, almost disapproving.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not even surprised. Clover is still going to bat for you. She refuses to act like it’s a good thing I moved on. I wouldn’t take it as a testament to who you are, it’s selfish on her part.”

“Oh, cos of her obsession?”

“Pretty much. It sucks, it doesn’t change one thing though. You have been such an important part of my life, I just wish there was a way for you to understand just how much you have meant to me.”

“I know how you felt, I just took advantage and expected you to put your life on hold for me, wait around for ever.”

“To have your cake and eat it?” I remember the echo of the words I hear from a memory of Clover’s own words.

“Something like that, I never thought I would lose you.”

“You didn’t, I will always be your friend, but as for anything else, I think our time for that has passed.”

“I know. You are happy though? He makes you happy?”

“Very. Are you happy?”

“Remember what I said? Happiness is over rated. I’ll be fine.”

“Maybe one day we could have this conversation in the real world, I think our friendship isn’t exactly thriving is it?”

“It’s too soon.”

“You are the one who told me that we weren’t ever going to get back together, that we wouldn’t work out, you told me I should date people.”

“I didn’t mean it. I never thought you would actually date someone or move on.”

“You didn’t think it through did you?”

“Nope.” The book shelves begin to disappear, the room is becoming empty, like it is slowly being dismantled.

“The room? Is this the last time we will be here? It looks like it is falling apart.”

“That is because I am. I don’t know if we will ever be here again. But I am sure you can find some other way to entertain yourself in your dreams. You don’t need me anymore.”

I want to walk away, to leave the room but I am rooted to the spot, like I am held by some strange magnet and I can’t leave. “Really? You want to end this by trying to make me defensive? You want to end this dream by trying to start a fight? Come on you are better than that?”

“Am I? I am trying to keep our friendship going in the real world, but it feels like you aren’t interested.”

“You send me memes once every other week, your responses are dry, you never ask how I am doing, you never want to know what I have been up to. But you do like to go on about how much you’ve drunk, how messed up drunk you and your mates got, how you want to move out, how you feel about your job, about you wanting to go on another party holiday and get wrecked again. You aren’t interested in a friendship with me, you just want the emotional support you always got out of me, it feels like you expect more from me now that we are not having sex or hanging out. You’re still wanting me to behave like I did when we were together sometimes and now it is simply not appropriate.”

“Because of your new boyfriend.”

“Exactly why. I am in a relationship and I really care about him.”

“Do you love him?”

“Is that any of your business?”

“Just answer”

“Yes.”

“Like you loved me?”

“It’s different, he makes me feel different.”

“How?”

“He makes me happy, he shows me he cares, he makes an effort to try to make me smile or laugh anytime I don’t feel myself or happy. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. We work together in a way that you and I didn’t. He is a real team mate, when I think about him the world is brighter from the inside, like it’s a radiant kind of feeling.”

“I didn’t make you happy?”

“Not like this. You are very different people, I feel accepted for who I am with him, the good the bad and the hellish. I don’t feel like I have to try to keep being a better version of myself because with him I already feel like I am the best version of myself, and I feel loved for it.”

 

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

There have been quite a few, too many to name, mornings in my life where I have woken up in my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. It’s not the first time I have ever had that feeling when I wake up with the horrific realisation that this is definitely not what I had pictured my life would be like. It’s happened a lot probably due to me repressing large chunks of time and playing instant catch up to where I am now. But this morning I woke up, there wasn’t any displeasure in my morning thoughts about where I am in my life, but that is mainly because I am happy.

For a large portion of my life, I feel happy and relaxed. So this time should be filled so much with uncertainty, usually I would be majorly panicking. But since I have spent this time with Dyl that hasn’t happened. I am waiting to see if my contract will be made permanent. I would really like my contract to be made permanent I like working there, I like my colleagues and the friends I am making. But most of all, I like bumping into Dyl at work and occasionally being able to steal a kiss. I know, not very professional. But I do like it there. I like working there, I like the fun and the friendly environment.

So while I got rejected for a job that I didn’t want in a place that I didn’t want to work, that I only applied to as a back-up option, I can’t exactly say I feel bad. Not disappointed, just a bit average about it, I didn’t like the impression I got from them. We didn’t click energy wise and that is ok. I really like where I work now and I want to stay there, we click and get along. That is where I feel happiest. Being somewhere fun and enjoyable, even with the odd bad day, I still like working there, I don’t dread going to work. Sometimes I might feel a bit lazy about the notion and idea of going to work but that is ok.

I really enjoy working in a place where I can be positive. I enjoy working in a place where I feel like for the short time I am working there is an easy job that I get to enjoy. I get to meet new people and develop familiar interactions focused around positivity with regular, frequent people that are around me.

There is more to this good feeling than just where I work, because when I wake up in the morning I can lay there and just smile. I have to admit, that the first thought when I wake up has, for a short while, been Dyl. We have been getting along, we have a lovely steady relationship going. The dating phase passed and we have become “official” and it’s been almost a month and it just feels like yesterday. But more than that, it feels like even though it’s been a short time, its flown by because it has been so enjoyable. It has been a really happy positively focused time.

I have enjoyed spending the time with him, but it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have because we have clicked into place with each other. It just feels right and natural, the old me would have freaked out and wanted to run away more than once by now.

Sure I never intended to develop feelings for Dyl, that was never my plan, but he has repeatedly surprised me. We are stable together, his crazy compliments my crazy.

I think when I interact with him, when I do send him a message I want him to look at it and smile, I want him to feel good, I want him to know that he is appreciated for being himself. I want him to feel good yes, just like I want to feel good but I am not holding myself accountable for his happiness and he is not being held accountable for mine. Though yes he does make me happy, it’s like the super bonus kind of happy. Like the icing on the cake of happy. It makes things better. I don’t want him to feel like I am dependant on him to make me happy, I want him to feel like, yes she is there for me, yes she makes me happy. I want us both to just enjoy this time together, the way that just knowing the other exists makes us happy. I can’t help but smile when I think about him, which can be a little inconvenient… believe me.

I think in all those mornings when I woke up wondering what the hell I was doing with my life I never expected it to lead to here, to now. I feel like the future looks optimistic just by how we like to encourage one another. I damn lucky I think, because we want to be supportive of one another. The future is something we are wanting to co-create together. Sure he doesn’t know about the whole deliberate creation thing, I think that he thinks it as happy coincidences but, luckily he is a very positive person so it just seems to create this positive glow of wonderfulness around him. That or it is the rose tinted glow of love…

Tomorrow I want to wake up and make another list of all the other great things in my life, all of the great things I am experiencing and looking forward to experiencing. I want to make that same list before I go to sleep tonight, a list of all of the things I am grateful for in the day.

I want to keep redefining that “successful” feeling, because I am sure that it is more than just what I can achieve in a day, it could very well be what I feel in a day.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, last time I wrote, I had a boyfriend, a wonderful shiney new relationship. That hasn’t changed, except now, things are different. We have been spending a lot of time together, as much as we can grab to be around each other, whether that means meeting up after work for dinner or sleeping round his home. That all sounds great doesn’t it, and it would be perfect with a bit more support from my friends and family. I’m not saying they disapprove; I am saying that it’s a bit weird. Clover still isn’t very on board. My gran is well, she is a bit difficult about it, very cantankerous… it was a bit of a challenge getting her to meet up with him, she now says she thinks he’s alright but she holds reservations about the entire male population anyway. My dad, well, we recently got back in contact so I think things are weird there anyway, but not as weird as with my mum who I can’t tell about my dad because she will go psycho and start causing troubles. So it’s not like I am going to introduce psycho-mum to Dyl. I like being happy and that is how I want to stay. That simple really. That being said Hal seems supportive of the new relationship. That’s the thing with Hal and I, we genuinely want each other to be happy and like supporting each other as we progress and move forward with our lives.

Speaking of moving forward, Dyl and I miss each other a lot, so we have had a few talks, and there is the possibility that next year, he and I will move in together if finances allow. Which currently has been the thing holding us back. I mean, if we won the lottery tomorrow we would probably find a way or a place to live together as soon as humanly possible. I know it sounds very quick to even consider. But I feel sure about him, and I sure as hell hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I mean, without jumping the gun, I can see a very long term future with him.

I know this sounds harsh, because I am about to do a comparison. When I was with Adrian I felt insecure a lot of the time because I always had the fear of being the “for now” girl and the relationship not being a forever which I think should have been the biggest clue in hindsight that it was a for now situation. I think my insecurity over being “for now” and being told that I wouldn’t ever hear him speak the words “I love you” to me, and according to him, no one ever would, it was a hard way to live in a relationship. That amount of uncertainty isn’t good, and there was uncertainty that began right when we first got together, there was no idea whether there was a future together let alone what that might look like because as far as I knew the only thing he ever really thought about in the future was his work and that should have been a very big clue to where I stood and just how easily replaceable I would be… by his job. Harsh, but true.

With Dyl, it’s not like that at all, I don’t feel insecure and when I need a little reassurance he gives it to me rather than leaving me not knowing where I stand. He tells me what he pictures for us and reminds me that he does without me needing to ask for it, it feels good. I don’t feel like a for now girl, I don’t feel like a stop gap or something to pass the time. I feel like this is a secure and forever future kind of situation which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know where I stand and what the future can hold and I do and it looks like such a wonderful picture. I want to be with him. I didn’t realise what my ideal guy was until I met him and got to know him and saw how we clicked. From my eyes he is the other half of me, not an opposite trying to find a way to work, but instead a partnering and continuation of the same piece of soul and that feels great, it feels great to just know that that is how I feel. I love this certainty.

I mentioned what Adrian said about how he would never say those three words to anyone. Here is a kicker, it’s kind of messed up my ability to say it myself. There has been a bit of a problem on my part, I can’t get those three words out. I feel them, I really feel them with Dyl and I want to say it, it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t get it out. No matter how hard I try. I love Dyl, I do, but I am fighting myself every time I see him because I want to tell him so bad and part of me is getting in the way and its messing me up. I am ready to say it, I am not uncertain in anyway how I feel about Dyl, I just can’t get the damn words out enough to be able to say it to him. it is so hard. I know that sounds stupid right? Why is it hard? Well because I ended up becoming afraid of those words. Like if I say them will it mess things up, will I feel that level rejected all over again even if it wasn’t really a rejection it was just a bit harsh and blunt. I know that feeling will fade, I know I will stop fighting myself because at the end of the day how I feel about Dyl hasn’t changed or lessened, if anything I feel it more and more, and I feel it burning inside of me when we are together, it’s the brightest feeling, the most amazing sensation to just know that you love someone completely from the higher part of yourself in the most whole part of yourself in a way that just feels so very radiant through the best and worst of yourself, if that makes sense. I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to put it into words, I just know I am not afraid to love Dyl. That feels good, to not be afraid to love.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and yes, you read that right, I am in a relationship, I have a boyfriend! It’s official, Dyl and I are officially together and I couldn’t be happier. I hadn’t mentioned it because I wanted to get the whole Clover thing out of my system some more before I revealed the thing that has had me so happy. But Clover is well… Clover.

I know, I know, it was sort of inevitable, what with that almost magnetic attraction. Over the last couple of months, we have spent a lot of time together, and I mean A LOT of time together. He just makes me naturally happy there is no effort involved it is just that instant happy feeling even just thinking about him. He makes me happy and doesn’t have to do anything. He is on my mind a tonne; it just feels good. I met his mum and dad, they are lovely and so wonderful so it’s no surprise he is as lovely as he is. The quirky expressions while we are at work and can’t really talk, the smiles and the winks, it’s just that impossible to ignore attraction. Yeah you read that right at work. I mean, yes we are professional no making out in the halls, we have been trying to keep it a secret but it seems that secret is out, those in the know, know. I guess it was inevitable and I suppose it explains why a couple of people are being nicer and slightly more smiley with me. It’s like, yes I know you know, but no I will not ever discuss that part of my life with you sort of feeling. Harsh or fair it doesn’t matter; I haven’t been close with them before I won’t be now. I am guessing a few people know that we don’t even know about but that is ok. A couple of people I don’t mind the odd talk with, but even then I won’t be talking about anything incredibly personal with them.

I am quite lucky, we try to see each other once a week which I know is a lot more than I used to see Adrian even when we were together and I know I pretty much was used to that, but with Dyl, it can sometimes just feel not enough I would happily spend every day with him just in his company.

I know I mentioned Adrian, there is a reason for that, he has been trying to be very friendly recently, even inviting me to his birthday party, the thing is, I didn’t feel comfortable going. Mainly because I would rather keep my free time open for Dyl and spending time with him and talking to him. I get that we are friends, but, things feel weird. Especially as Clover seems to have no intention of supporting the relationship with Dyl, not in the way that matters. Clover and I had been talking in small amounts and finally I snapped a bit after her “oh ok” and “cool” lack of supportive responses, I’d basically had enough so I asked her out right.

“Do you have an issue with Dyl?” I asked, it was just the annoyance of dead, flat, uninterested responses. I can’t be blamed for finally having enough of this sodding attitude.

“I don’t know the guy so don’t have an issue.” I got sent back so I just shrugged it off while she carried on typing until she hit send. “You know me I am team Adrian unfortunately but no I don’t have an issue with Dyl!! I want you happy.” Part of me doubts that last bit. The thing is, I think, ultimately she wants me to be hanging on her every word about all the boys she has sniffing around her looking for a scrap here and there. That is not happy making. I know it is about to sound hypocritical, but, there is more to life than boys and I know it may not seem like I think like that given how I write here but I do have goals and dreams and things I want to do and achieve without the impact and importance of a relationship or boyfriend. My boyfriend is a welcome, happy bonus to my life; support and comfort and happiness on the path to whatever it is I am desiring and pursuing in my life. A relationship is not the all-consuming be all end all in life, a relationship is a bonus wonderful aspect of life to accompany life, to give it a brighter more enjoyable facet.

“Dyl makes me happy so I am very much team Dyl, it feels relaxed and easy and he seems happy with me too.” She promptly changed the topic onto something about her. If I am to be honest I am not entirely surprised by her attitude. Dyl is a threat to her view that getting back with an ex when it seems impossible being a reason to hold on and cling to that ideal. Truth be told I just find it annoying. I mean, I think it is going to take her a long time to adjust to the new happy me, the me that past problems aren’t as big of a deal which as harsh as it sounds, means we do have a lot less to talk about.

Honestly I do feel completely at ease with being myself around Dyl in every way, we both just are our most authentic selves around each other and we just fit together. We just get along in a way I didn’t ever expect was possible. He is all the things I never knew I wanted, and many of the things I needed. Someone who wants me as much as I want them. I like feeling very sure and clear and happy. I guess I am just very lucky… That or I am a brilliant deliberate creator, which is probably the truth, given that I need to work more on the deliberate part.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker and yes Clover was still thinking about that status and what people were saying about her because of it.

Safe to say I kind of had enough of it. She said she wasn’t happy and I told her that she has a choice in what she thinks. She didn’t like that much because her response was “I don’t think you get it, it’s not NICE for me!” Well, that was the last straw of my patience of this. I snapped and no I am not proud but even though I would have loved to cut her a new one for it I tried to be firm but fair while I stood up for myself. “I know you’re not happy, do you think it makes me happy when you post statuses like that about me?” After the many times she had done exactly what that woman is doing to her to me she now had the nerve to act clueless. I wasn’t going to shy away from the point I wanted to make this time, like I had before. “I know you have done it, people have sent me screen shots and proof and I have called you out on it before especially with that whole thing about that abusive twat that you chose.” Her response did her no favours, “that’s different, were you called a dirty little slapper, nope!” (no Clover, but you’ve called me a slut in a roundabout way before because I don’t have to be in love [or obsessed] with someone to sleep with them… but that is beside the point.)

I responded quite shortly given how annoyed I was; I didn’t want to deviate from the point or give any idea that I condone her behaviour. “No I was called a shit friend etc,” she didn’t like me still refusing to budge on my stance. Her response “I’d rather be that, its 100 times better sorry. Better that than a dirty little slapper or a girl who wants to get in every boys pants it’s all lies and fabrications.” Of course I took that to mean she thinks every time she does those statuses she is saying the gods-honest-truth. So I messaged her a thumbs up emoji with “ok so I’m a shit friend” good to know these things isn’t it. Like seriously, does she not even realise what she is saying, that it’s ok for her to post those statuses and have those effects on people as long as they don’t do it to her. She can make everyone else feel as shit is right now, but she doesn’t want any of her own medicine!

She didn’t like my sarcastic but clearly very loaded response. “What are you even talking about? I love how I am having a real shit time not happy at all and yet you want to turn it round on to you something from the past? Erm ok, clearly I’ve missed something here. You want to know if I think you’re a shit friend? No I don’t think you’re a shit friend at all.” Oh but it’s ok to post that publicly across all social media and say all other kinds of things calling me all kinds of things she backs down from when I confront her about because she knows its utter b.s. hmm… double standards much?

So I took my time to make sure I was toning down what I said to be sensitive to her and fair and still stand my ground. “No I want you to accept that she is doing what you’ve done to me and you don’t seem to have any empathy about the consequences of how you make people feel. The fact that you feel this shit about what people are saying about you and that woman isn’t even your best friend.” Which was the point I wanted to make, she feels that shit about someone she isn’t even close to, she thinks its ok to act like that because she feels victorious as a victim and isn’t held accountable for how she acts.

“I’m sorry but this isn’t about you, no she isn’t my best friend.” Well, I haven’t exactly sent her a message or spoken to her since, I have had enough by that point and I walk away. I’ve put her on mute for a while, at the moment its set for a week. She probably sees it as a victory like she is right and I should be the one ashamed of my behaviour. I’m not at all, I am proud that I remained honest and true to myself and was as fair and kind to her as I could be while being firm. Honestly I screenshotted the conversation and sent it to her baby daddy to keep him in the loop so he knew exactly what was said, and what she had implied, he has his little one to think about. I sent him a bit of a long old message.

“I am sorry but I am taking a break from Clover drama. I am sorry to leave you to it with her but I tried to rein myself in and be as fair as I could to her while being as honest as I could without setting her off. I am sorry but I need a break from the stream of negativity, constant boy drama about Sam, Sam, Jamie etc, I can’t keep up and I can’t be a good friend right now if everything I say is constantly being ignored or belittled or it doesn’t fit in with what she wants to hear. I tried being patient but she has pushed too far today and I just want to be happy and enjoy my new relationship without being made to feel bad about it. I am trying to change my life to what I want it to be in terms of writing and a steady income and a possible future with someone who makes me happy, and I think perhaps I need the distance from her so that I can do that without risking things. I am sure that she will be fine and that you will be too, just keep an eye one the little one if Clover has gone on another one of her spirals, she is an intuitive kid, and I know you will have her back.”

His response “yeah, that is probably for the best, just focus on you x”