The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker. For a while now I have felt lost and confused and I have been searching for clarity. Of course, you know this.

I have been wanting to run away from my life. I have wanted to change my life. I have wanted to change my past. I have been trying so hard to undo life that I have forgotten to live in the now. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten that I am choosing my experience. I have gotten sloppy in my thinking. I have allowed myself to be resistant to what I want, I have allowed myself to look at others and compare myself to them and where my life is. It is so easy to feel like life is stagnant, like it is a cycle of being trapped and unable to do or be who you believe you are. I know that is simply resistance. I know that I don’t have to feel that way.

They are no more successful than I am, they are just more in tune with who they are and the future that is on their path, they care about how they feel and they are doing what they want and it shows.

Why am I measuring myself by something other than feeling good? Because that is what we are taught, to compare ourselves and our journeys to everything around us. What a screwy concept.

So I had this great epiphany. Of course I did, in the middle of feeling at ease the answer I had been asking for that I hadn’t realise I had been asking for as I compared myself to others and felt lost and unsure.

I get to define my success. That’s the big ball of thought. I am able to define my success and have it be unique to me. It is un-comparable. It is mine, all mine and not one other person is able to be comparable with who I am, what I want and what I achieve. I can redefine what I see as success. It doesn’t have to be aiming for a goal that feels so distant, so far out of reach. Success doesn’t have to feel like a complete struggle, it doesn’t need to feel impossible. I can make it as easy as I want.

I can make my own success easy to achieve or I can make it hard. For example, I could define success as making millions of pounds in a week; if that is the only goal to measure my success for than it will be easy to feel that failure, to feel un-successful. If I allow that feeling of lack to grow daily; to look at others and see them doing that thing that I want to do or be or see or have and allow myself to feel that jealousy of the success, to feel my own not-enough-ness, to feel that un-successfulness it will attract more of those feelings. That feeling will be confirmed and manifested time and time and time again.

However, if I say to myself, if I do this small thing towards my goal today, or if I can learn this one thing, if I can create this small thing that will create the bigger picture; if I make those things the things that I measure my success by? Well then I will feel that successful feeling I am desiring, that joy I am desiring. That feeling will attract more of its like.

The more of those small successes I breed from small moments, the bigger they will build to be. The more successful I will feel, the more joy that I will feel. The less I will even consider comparing myself to others, it is not my job. It is no one’s job; I do not need to compare at all.

Soon I will feel that wild successfulness and the world that I live in will relay that back to me as others will be able to see and acknowledge the aura of success that I possess. I will be basking in my own enough-ness and the world I live in will reflect it and I will be living more in the moment searching for that good feeling thought that is racing to me at all times. I will be choosing to feel good so frequently that the natural wellbeing within me will be reflected throughout the world.

A small success each and every day, ok almost every day, let’s be gentle on myself, will add up to something bigger. As the successes and the feeling of success adds up each day, each week, each month, each year and so on, the success will take care of itself.

Sure I have ended up on a bit of a rant/rampage. But I can feel that I am successful, that success, luck, lucky breaks, wonderful thoughts and feelings and experiences flow easily to me.

That’s the thing, success, can be as simple as the goal to feel good as often as I can, as often as I allow it and that in itself is successful. Success is feeling good, feeling good is success. I can define anything and what it means to me. It is whatever that feeling of ease flows from and that is the path that is right for me. Whatever path I choose, whatever I decide will always be right, there is no wrong because it is what I choose to be the path for me.

It feels great to just feel so invigorated to be able to choose, to be able to decide who or what I am, it feels good to choose to stop sleepwalking through life and stop comparing myself to others. I can train myself out of that habit and into the habit that serves me, choosing to feel my successfulness in the now rather than that final goal. I can start putting these new beliefs and feelings into my everyday life. Small goals, small successes. That attracts unto itself, and grows and multiplies.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am planning to change my life, again.

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Author Update (August 2017)

Hey All!

So what has been on my Netflix this month? Well, I’ve been watching Heartland and of course without a doubt Game of Thrones which has been a nice mix. I might be slightly obsessed with both.

I have been going over some of the songs previously covered in other lessons and I am also learning Beauty and the Beast … The chords are doing my head in a bit, but we have been using the H & Claire version to learn. I haven’t been practicing and it shows.

So I have been submitting The Big Project to agents and publishers. I have had some rejections which was to be expected but also some very positive and encouraging rejections. It hopefully wont be long until I get the response I am hoping for. I think the worst part is the waiting sometimes, but with that gives you a chance to have hope that it is being read by the right person.

The disaster diet is still exactly that. Nothing has really changed. My new temp contract has helped to increase my physical activity, which considering where I was at, at the start of the year, I can’t complain. Even if that means I’ve not had very much time for writing. I need to do more, but I feel like I am constantly on the go, so hopefully I will get some more new content written up for you guys on here.

I’m feeling like life is falling into place quite nicely at the moment. I have been happier the last couple of months than I have been in a while which is lovely.

Gotta say I do have a few moments day to day where I give myself plenty of times to just cringe, I am great at creating cringe-worthy moments a lot… thankfully as far as I am aware none of them are filmed. As long as it stays that way.

Of course I still need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂 It sure is one simple way to work out what the hell is happening, not that I am sure I can tell you that anyway…

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker Thirty-One to Sixty is available now!

 

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and sometimes I just want to run away from my life. A lot of the time. But that is not exactly a secret.

That trapped feeling has been almost impossible to escape recently. I just want it to be over. I want to just see the world through new eyes. I just want to not feel trapped or stuck.

Today should be Adrian and I’s third anniversary. Last year I felt really mad at this time of year. I think last year, my status was “When your phone is a sarcastic bastard and decides to remind you today would have been an anniversary day with your ex… Well… Just lovely… A year later I’m stronger and better for the could have beens. A year ago it was the first year anniversary and boy was I mad. This year it’s all about the progress and change, I appreciate the good and the bad of the last two years and the years before it and I am looking forward to the future and all the good stuff coming…”

Well, obviously I wasn’t happy. Not the sparkling ray of sunshine I am today… today I am the sarcastic bastard as I so poetically put it. That’s the thing, I was still finding my feet on the whole being a deliberate creator thing. I don’t feel how I did back then. That is why todays status, is the ever sarcastic, “today is going to be a great day” thing. That’s not exactly a lie. Today has been fairly good, but I know it’s from my desire to run away and live a different life, to be someone else.

Something that I have always struggled with, wanting to be someone else, anyone else but me.

I love Adrian, we all know that. But right now, I am so close to running away from life like no tomorrow…

I had thought I would date myself today. Do things to make me happy. Anything to make me happy. I don’t even know what I want, what would make me happy right now?

It’s like sleep walking through life. I keep trying to wake up but sometimes I just can’t manage it, it is so hard to break the habit.

I am on that road I know for waking up more and doing the amazing things that I want to do with my life. There is so much to do, so many things to try. I just don’t want to keep missing out on life. So I asked for an idea of what I can do. Or should I say for advice?

So this is what I received as an answer:

“You know you put your life on hold. So plan your day, do stretches when you wake up. You can be ready to stretch beyond the comfort zone, do things that energize you or broaden your boundaries, things that challenge you. Then you can take the caffeine, do what energizes you that allows you to feel that burst of excitement. Then get dressed for the day, just think of it like you prepare for the day ahead. And there may be rain, but you know it will get sunny again. There are going to be things that you don’t plan and it may do a little damage, and that is ok, it is only for a short while. Then when you leave the house you work towards a destination. You’re not leaving it all behind for forever, you are going out to do what you were meant to do in life. You will return home, to rest. I think you should go to school because you are bright and you could do amazing things, but that is me talking and this needs to be what you want for yourself. It is up to you so alter it to what you want to pursue in life. Finally, when it comes to relationships, I think when you are awake and out in your world the right man will come to be a part of your life. I didn’t dislike Adrian for himself, but it was because you were willing to sacrifice your life, and you have so many brilliant possibilities. You were willing to take care of him because he needed taking care of and because you have been accustomed to taking care of people you got good at it. But it’s too high a cost. You need someone who nurtures you while you nurture them. If you can become good at taking care of people you can also become good at being taken care of. Allow yourself to practice that!”

My friend is a source of wisdom and truth and I think the advice was very true. I have basically been sleep walking through life and now I am ready to change my life. In whatever way that comes about. I think the thing that is important to me more than anything is that I give myself a fair shot. I am ready to start doing something with life. There is a true importance to no longer keep living the life I am without thinking, absent minded routine that has you feeling trapped. I want to be free and I let myself get out of this routine. There is a desire to break free and I know I can do it. I just don’t know what I am going to do next.

I think maybe I will let myself take more of a back seat with my thoughts around Adrian to be handed to the universe, with a whatever happens, happens view. I am hoping that waking up isn’t going to hurt too much, but being truly awake and ready and experiencing life just the way it was intended to be. I am more accepting of the energy and the decisions that I get to make on this journey of being a deliberate creator. It is a long journey, and every time I think I have nailed it I find myself playing catch up.

 

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except, right now I don’t want it to be. I want to be someone else, anyone else. I would love to just explore things through another perspective. I love just being in this universe and all the possibilities that it offers but sometimes, just sometimes I would love to experience things through someone else’s eyes.

I am sure that I am not the only person to ever wonder what it would be like to experience the world through someone else’s eyes? How they touch and taste and feel this world around them.

I just have this urge to meditate into this new place and just see where it takes me. What the swirling colours around me reveal. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to meditate and see if I can unite with my higher self, to find the who I really am that I am seeking. I am certain I can type with my eyes closed and not make too many errors…

As I close my eyes, the colours of the room fade behind my eyelids and I can see bright warm shapes and the colours morph and the words come to me. I know I can do both and reveal what I am searching for, even if I haven’t consciously understood what that is. The colours change and swirl. I can feel the calmness and soothing feeling of the soft music that is playing. I know that I am comfortable and calm and taking gentle breaths. The colours morph from a warm palette to a colourful swirling and every breath feels easy and soft and effortless.

I can ignore and resist the pull of my buzzing phone. It feels good to let go of the me ness that is standing in resistance of my desires. I know that with every breath inwards allowing energies are coming into me, transforming my body, releasing the resistance and allowing it to be expelled in every out breath. I am amazed that I can type so well with my eyes closed. I suppose I have become very familiar with my keyboard, that feels nice. This diary feels nice. I like the gentle ease that comes from this writing, I like the letting go feeling of losing my resistance. I know that everything is always working out for me, I know that everything is working out for me. I know that it is ok to let go of the control I think I have to exert over my surroundings. I know that it is good to release the concept of control, it is faulty and it will not aid me going forward. Trying to control is being resistant of what I am desiring in my eagerness to do something to make what I am desiring to happen. That is ok. It is ok to let go. It is ok to release the emotions that do not serve me. It is ok to rest and relax in every day taking the time to meditate regularly will restore my inner peace. Inner peace feels good, a nice neutral stand point that will allow me to expand my life in any direction that I choose. i can do anything that I desire without being held back or frozen by fear or anxiety. I can release my anxiety to the universe to transform into surety. It is nice to choose clarity. I like that I can let go of any emotion that is not making me feel good. I like feeling good.

I like that thoughts and words are flowing to me easily and effortlessly I like this feeling of eagerness. I know that my desires are unfolding and there is nothing I need to do. I can let go of the desires. I can write them down on a to do list for the universe and not think of it again. I will not be putting resistance in my path. I will have handed the doing-ness to the universe to take care of and I will have to do no efforting to make it happen. It will happen as it has been desired and I will find that my energy will resonate beautifully with the desires that I hold and will bring them into existence.

They are already coming into existence. It feels good to know that my desires are on their way, they are more than desires, they are my experiences, my future conditions that will be a source of joy. I am excited for these future conditions and know that my happiness will stem from my allowing of the desire more than its manifestation. That I am able to choose my life and experiences and I get to choose the things and experiences that I believe will serve me and be a condition that I am joyful for the manifesting of. There is a great joy in believing that I have my desires and it is already here, it is falling into place and I know I am deliberately creating clarity and conditions that bring pleasure.

The universe has heard my asking and is accepting and delivering what I desire as I come to full resonance and alignment of my energy and essence. There is no lack or deprivation of what I am wanting. My energy is transforming to ready allowing and alignment and there is no efforting to make things happen. It is in my feeling good that I am finding myself in beautiful resonance with my inner being. Everything is working out for me and there is no contrast too big or great that can destroy me, there is no condition that will ever impede on my well-being and joy forever. It is all temporary in my adventure. I am consistently making the decision that I want to feel good and the universe is bring that to me which it is known and believed to be that will make me happy and joyful for an eternity because I am a wonderful deliberate creator.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Today I had a chat with Adrian, he invited me to come out there to see him. I know it’s not the first time he suggested it and I do kinda like the idea. Ok I like the idea. I think that now I know some of the other people I care about’s opinions on it in my life, I put resistance in my path. I guess that now I am ready to embrace and enjoy life, so ready that this opportunity came around. My only resistance now is that my finances wouldn’t like it. When I told him that the finances aren’t do able right now he said he would pay for it. Like the road blocks, what should be resistant just got picked up and taken out of the picture. He is being so sweet and so generous, it is so lovely of him to offer.

I like that my resistance gets picked up, acknowledged, transformed and changes into the best allowing. It’s fun.

I want to go see him, I don’t want to travel particularly but I do want to see him. I want to spend time with him. The thing is, he doesn’t want me to do anything to earn my keep so to speak. It’s really cool. So hopefully sometime very soon I will be seeing him. I would like to see what staying in his company for a week would be like in this situation.

Here’s something else, the realists, the doomsday bringers will poke holes and bring down my energy and bring in resistance. But I know their opinion doesn’t really matter, so I feel like even with a ten-minute blast of negativity from my family member that made me feel so not good enough, so not enough, so negative and resistant. It has been five minutes and I am rising back to the hopeful and excitable energy I had before.

That’s the thing, the family doesn’t like Adrian for whatever point scoring reasons my mother imagined in her imaginary competition in her head to make him the villain and sabotage. But me, I look at Adrian and I know I love him. He is the kindest, sweetest, funniest, nerdiest guy I have ever loved in my life. The true love thing right? That wonderful unconditional love.

I love the getting better to feeling good sensation. I love being able to change my feelings by choosing my thoughts with more care. It feels nice to be in control of my feelings, or should I say being in control of the direction of my feelings.

I think the idea of the finances being in the way is just something easily over looked, so I suppose that is just the universes way of saying don’t worry about it. I like the universe telling me not to worry it feels like I get to enjoy the whole not needing to do anything. The whole feeling that it doesn’t matter because if it is what I want that it will work out.

I enjoyed the chat with Adrian, the offer aside, it was good to talk. The kind of talk where it all feels natural, familiar. It was nice to chatter away and just laugh with each other.

Last entry was full of appreciation and knowing “before the fact”. This entry is like a result of that, I suppose. Being happy with the knowing, being appreciative of the knowing and feeling at ease with it. That brings things into my life in the most perfect way, the fun manifestation of it. I know to some people it sounds like I am crazy or there is so much wishful thinking, but I guess that is what it looks like to others who aren’t in tune with how they feel.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to go back in time and feel things for the first time, how it had so much intensity. But I don’t need to because I think I am just realising I still feel intensely if I listen to it, but I don’t have to be a slave to the emotion. I like not being a slave to the emotion, not being dictated by it. I guess I just enjoy the whole process of being a feeler and a dreamer. I get to change everything in my life by feel and the concern or watching of what is in regards to my finances I know is pointless because there is a constant abundance flowing to me if I allow it. All I have to do is choose to allow myself to feel and experience life. The finances will take care of themselves.

I am so appreciative of the knowing that is in my life, the clarity. It is such a wonderful feeling to begin taking control over my experience again and allowing good and wonderful things into my life. Allowing those steps forward in the direction of what I want.

My name is Elliot Parker, I know I am a deliberate creator and it is pure ecstasy choosing my experience.

I love this soothing feeling, like what I want is coming to me.

An experience that is wonderful and slightly terrifying because it is feeling huge and unknown is asking to be allowed into my experience. The terrifying-ness is short lived, because I know that I can self sooth the resistance it symbolises away. It may be unknown to me, the country, the customs and the people, but I get to explore that and be an adventurer. I get to see Adrian in a new way, in the same time zone again. I get to enjoy it and have fun and relax and get away from whatever resistance I might have built up in my experience. I think some really amazing changes are about to happen and this is the first nod to my new energy of knowing and appreciation and allowing in my ready-ness to choose the experience in life I want to have.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker and recently I have been on my best behaviour… mostly.

That’s not to say my patience hasn’t been tested. I noticed something but since I noticed it I started seeing more of it. Clover is being very territorial. Has been for a few weeks now. Like she keeps making a point of telling me that her baby daddy Ben has been relying on her more emotionally, or how much closer they have gotten but she is still obsessing over some other boys. Both of whom stopped talking to her. It’s the making a point of it and being territorial and trying to put me in the place she has assigned for me. Never a good idea to do.

It just gets my back up, I don’t think I have ever responded well to being told what to do, who to be, what I cannot do. It’s like one of the first things people tend to discover about me. I tend to either act out or follow it and get miserable and resentful… safe to say miserable is not something I am willing to feel.

The only thing stopping me from acting out is the fact she is a friend and is insecure right now. And to be honest, she can dangle her territorial talk all she likes, I don’t want what she thinks I am after.

I am both her and Ben’s friend, she hasn’t liked that in the past and right now I don’t care. He can do what he likes and so can she.

I guess I am just tired of this being told what to do by other people thing. I guess I am stubborn and difficult and I really don’t see why she feels threatened by my damn existence. She is always the one who gets the guy, they fancy her, I am just the nerdy friend in the shadows. She is the one who heads for the guy you fancy to snag them first. Working out how to tell her to stop trying to control or manipulate me in a tactful way is being very hard.

I want to find a way to make it clear to her that the only guy I am interested in is Adrian. Which she knows. Mind you what others think of me doesn’t really matter.

I know who I am and what I want and I refuse to be told otherwise. What other people think doesn’t matter, not really. Why do I seem to keep having to tell myself the same things? Because I stopped working at being a deliberate creator looking to the future, instead I have been looking at what is even if what is doesn’t matter.

I keep looking at the what-is-ness of things. That will change.

My name is Elliot Parker, I was lazy in my thinking and forgot that I am a deliberate creator.

I can have whatever I want in my life. I know that, I know that things with Clover will get better. I know that I will stop noticing when her behaviour is not pleasing to me because I will be consistently trying to view here in a way that pleases me. I know that she will be the mature adult I know she thinks she wants to be. I know that things will be good again.

What else do I know?

I know that I am becoming the person that I want to be, I am that person it has already been agreed. I know that the what-is-ness will not be so important or matter nearly as much. I know that I can enjoy being a deliberate creator again. I know that I am a powerful deliberate creator. I am comfortable in the knowing that everything is working out for me, always. I know that when I am ready, Adrian and I will have another chance, when I find myself to be an energy match to what I am desiring. I know that there is nothing that I have to or need to do right now. I have nothing I have to do to make anything happen, there is no making anything happen, there is only being a match to that which you attract. I know that Adrian and I are coming to the best position we have ever been in to be a brilliant co-creating match, an eternally expanding in our togetherness co-creating match. It feels good to know that. It feels so good to know that that I can appreciate it already without the physical evidence or awareness of what is missing. Because I am looking forward to that future wonderfulness that I have amassed for my future. I like being able to appreciate knowing, I like being able to appreciate believing, I like being able to appreciate that I can choose and change my beliefs. I like the freedom and expansiveness of the world around me. I like knowing that I can change my life easily by just choosing to feel good.

Appreciation feels good. It feels great. It feels steadying and wonderful and fun and eager. I like that I can appreciate the transformation and confirmation of beliefs that serve me and choosing that I can carry forward what believes serve me and abandon those that don’t. I like feeling so free and fun and ready. I like feeling this way. I like feeling bright and expansive. I like watching the birds that fly in the sky in and watching how I am just as free. Something I have always admired about birds. I like the free feeling. I like the fun; excitement I have with my future. I am eager to be thankful of so much. I am so happy to just be happy that there is a world of possibilities for my future. I like enjoying the freedom of choice. I just like this rampage of good feeling thoughts. I am sassy, feisty, sexy and I am alive!

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I don’t know how I feel right now.

You see, the brief conversations I have with Adrian are different, he is encouraging me to do things that make me happy. I suppose he has given up the fight of getting me to be very practical and just come to an acceptance that I am not a practical person. I want to be happy and put myself first and that is what I am doing. I suppose I just wish it would be easier to not feel so conflicted in my decision, I know that it is silly, to feel conflicted about putting happiness over practicality.

Time is flying by so fast. I can’t work out how or why it is speeding by so quickly.

I can’t help myself, I keep looking back at things, I keep trying to remember how I felt when I was younger, who I was. I keep trying to find a way to be ok with my more negative traits, to be ok with the darker side of me, the dangerous side. The part of me that wants to lash out and hit back at those that hurt me or try to control me. The part of me that wants to be defiant. The part of me that is unwilling to keep being put into a place that other people think I should be and should stay. The side of me that doesn’t want to be what people expect of me. Perhaps being dangerous is just a translation of me putting myself first. Perhaps being dangerous is feeling confident and self-assured and going for what I want. Perhaps being dangerous not feeling guilty about who I am, not feeling like I should be apologetic for what I want.

I am hungry for my life to be happy and fulfilled.

Honestly, I am struggling to decide what I want in my life. What I am willing to compromise, what I am willing to stand up for.

I suppose I feel reflective, life is so short and time is flying by and right now I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. I know what I want to do, who I want to be, I keep trying to believe that I can do it and believe that I can be that person, I just don’t know how to do both, how to be both the best of me and the best of the worst in me. How can I accept myself? When I want to do so much, so many different things, jack of all trades and master of none. What if I want to be the Jack of all trades who masters some, how do I do that? How do I split my time? How do I prioritize all that I want? What is best for me?

I know I keep trying to convince myself I am sure and certain and know what I want the most. I keep trying to convince myself everything will always work out for me. So much so it has started to become a belief.

That’s the thing, while you know and believe in more, in the law of attraction, but you are still having this human experience and all that comes with contrast. Sometimes the contrast is so vast that it is easy to get lost in confusion, that is what makes being decisive hard. I just have to hope that it will always work out.

I just want to sleep and dream for so long. I want to dream about being in the room, I want to see Adrian, however bittersweet. I even want to dream about the stowaway girl again. I like watching the dream grow and change and somehow ends up influenced by the world around me, the subconscious and conscious work hand in hand. I suppose my battle is more to do with wanting to live more in dreams than in reality. Reality just feels and seems to be so unimportant sometimes. I suppose that explains how I feel so calm about putting happiness first over practicality and what is expected of me. My disassociation to reality. My disassociation with myself. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I haven’t for years. I don’t recognise myself as a person. Sure I am stronger and more compassionate but I am also healthier. Now I am trying to accept the things I don’t like about myself, and make the best out of the worst of me. I am trying to accept the things in me I don’t like and find a way to like them so that they can’t control me. I don’t want to feel like the darker side of me can be exposed but that it is already exposed, there is nothing to hide and I want to be ok with who I am. I want to be stronger by accepting what would be called flaws or quirks and turn them into strengths. I don’t want to look at myself and see the monster within controlling me, the darker side of my personality. I want to look at myself and see it in a new way, a better way.

I want it to be ok for me to be selfish and not feel guilty about what I want or what I decide to do in my life. I want to be able to do the right thing for me first and then I can extend that to others, but until I can do that I will keep feeling this conflicted. I know that I am consistently fighting to be the best in me, and when I am with Adrian it is easier to be the best in me because I forget the worst because even though it is there it is not the weakness I think it is otherwise. He makes me better, iron sharpens iron and I hope I make him better too, I hope that we make each other better and stronger and healthier.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker… Except right now, it’s not.

My silence has said more than I wanted to express. I sit here in silence as day turns to night and night to day. It spins by and my refusal to speak stops me inflicting damage. That doesn’t mean the rage inside hasn’t leaked out to the world around me. The sea has been rough for days. If I unleashed it, if I speak, if I say anything, I might not be able to stop. If I can’t control myself, this ship will be smashed to pieces. I don’t know if “the Captain” could stop me.

Somehow I battle with myself, if I let myself tear this ship to splinters I could break away and runaway, again. But if I runaway, heaven knows what might happen. I might be somewhere I don’t want to be. I am locked in my own body on a ship stuck with the very person I was running from. I never really escaped, I never really ran away, not how I wanted. I am being pulled back. Do I hate him more for lying? I know I lied, at first, now, it is better to stay silent then get pulled back in. Do I… Can I even hate him? I mean, was it all really an act on his part. Was any of it just an act on my part? Is there any way it was just an act and nothing more? Can I convince myself that my heart never skipped a beat? Not one single heart fluttering moment was real? Is there any way to back out now, am I really going to be locked back into this?

If he takes me back to my home, what awaits me? How angry will my parents be? I mean after all, if they lose their own control, like I am afraid of doing right now, they could reduce the kingdom to ash. I might be powerful on my own, but two uncontrolled rage plus there is no doubt I would react, it could turn the land to ash and then what? I’ll be the unforgiven petulant girl who ran away who runs away again, if it is possible a second time.

“What do my parents know?” My unused voice is cracked and broken. It snaps “the Captain” out of his thought staring out the window. He rushes around his desk and kneels in front of me. I tried to read his face but I am weak. My lips are dry and the only thing that passed them is the broth he forces down my throat to stop me from wasting to nothing altogether. If he is wearing a mask, I can’t see it. I don’t speak again.

“They know you came with me, I had them told we were getting to know each other on a short cruise.”

“They don’t know?”

“No, the blue and cream, they were sent to find me, they found out about the destroyed ship and they were the search party, it’s why the resistance was weak to us taking the ship.” I feel my silence resume. It’s the first time I listened to what he said. I’ve tuned him out for days. Put myself in a bubble and he knows it. I allow myself to slide back away from the room, he can see it as my gaze becomes unfocused, he tries to stop me. He shakes me and I keep backing away building the walls up around me. He tries to pull me back again.

My parent’s didn’t even know I ran away; they might never have to know. I could follow his lies, that we went away to get to know each other. I could go along with the story, I could just look like for once I was being compliant with what they wanted for me, for the kingdom. They might not hate me forever if they found out the truth, I’m not in the worst position with being an only child. I can see through the unfocused gaze “the Captain” has left the room.

I stand and walk over to his desk, his stolen desk. It is the blue and cream’s ship after all. The draws are all locked, I can’t remember them being opened. I kneel by the draws, I take a deep breath before I begin to try to pick the lock, I’m not the first to try, but maybe I will have better luck, a few minutes pass that feel like hours before I crack the lock and open the draw. Stacks of papers. Sketches of “the Captain” his name scrawled below it Prince Adrian Ferislekraig. That name rings so many bells, like a forgotten talk, a forgotten discussion, a forgotten argument with family. Like a hollow moment in a past that is lost to the minor moments of an argument, a look of disappointment… the reverse of a sketch, “day walker” is scrawled hastily on the back. I see a sketch of myself the brief scribble on the back, “rescue- wanted unharmed” my name looks so strange scrawled by my image, an old handwriting so familiar that I can’t quite place. Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. I hear footsteps on deck approaching.

I replace the sketches in the draw and pick the lock to close it before I am seen. I stand unsteady and sit in the chair and turn so that I am staring out of the window, the first time I have spoken in days, the first time I have moved willingly in days, that is all he will see as I stare aimlessly out at the water rolling at the ship, the “Captain” strides into the room. I feel my movement register on his face. “First you speak, now you move, not hatching a new escape plan are you?”

I shake my head to say no and keep my eyes on the water. What the hell does day walker mean? Until I can dig some more I will refuse to speak, to ask anything.

The 2017 Project

Right well… I am still writing 3 positive things I like about my day each day. So that is great, and I now check my step count regularly. I still have to keep trying the eat a piece of fruit a day thing. Actually still not managing to control my diet too well.

I still occasionally apologize for myself but I am feeling more confident. So I think it is just a matter of time and confidence. I feel better for acknowledging it though.

So the 24-7 goals update? I’ve not long completed number 4…. Write the first book of the big project!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Oh and I’ve ticked 13 off… Making that a total of 4 completed….

Now the current in progress goals are 3, 10, 12, 17, 22 as well as the ones that take time and progress to achieve for the moment. I will let you know if I achieve any more of them I promise. Anything is possible… Who knows what new habits I might want to make or break to add to the list… I wonder if I achieve another three habit swaps if it will count as another 24-7 goal completed? Probably not this month though.

The 24-7 goals:

1- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 2

2- Do NANOWRIMO

3- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 3?

4- Write the first book of the big project

5- Finish spine tattoo

6- Finish magpie tattoo

7- Finish musical rib tattoo

8- Look for an agent/publisher for the “big” project

9- Learn to drive

10- Learn guitar

11- Finish knitting the cable knit jumper

12- Finish knitting the blankets

13- Improve views on here

14- See a west end show

15- Try and succeed at least three times on the 21 day habit swap

16- Win the lotto jackpot

17- Look for the positives more often

18- Meditate regularly

19- Keep making emotional progress

20- Keep hope and loose more doubt

21- Make posts for here in advanced, consider adding pictures, try to avoid leaving it to the last minute

22- Try to grow my hair long- aim for below the shoulder this year.

23- Become even more open-minded

24- Discover my own special brand of writers magic,

Habit swapping:

Break- Stop apologizing for myself so often. I do it a lot, it is something that really bothers me, mainly because I apologise for things that are completely not my fault and nothing to do with me. I am sick of apologizing for my own existence.

Make- Eat at least one piece of fruit a day. It is supposed to be healthy right?

Make- Write/plot at least an hour each day even on rest days. I have to start getting stricter on myself.

Make- Create and stick to a writing schedule. I have to start being more organised.

Break- Stop being hard on myself, speak kinder words to myself instead. That pretty much explains itself.

Make- A daily list of 3 positive things that I like about my day. Because sometimes it is easy to forget that there were brief sunshine moments.

Make- A daily list of 3 things that I like about myself, physical, non-physical. Because, it can be hard to show yourself some love.

Make- A little notebook of positive aspects, a once a day entry of 10 things that are positive. Literally a list of positive aspects about people, places, things; maybe one day I will post it on here.

That’s all I have for now, it might change or grow.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Sometimes I like to dream, often I like to dream. I like escaping to other worlds. I like being able to see the energies of the universe transforming around me, I guess that is why I like the stowaway girl dreams. I get to be someone else. I like being someone else. Because right now, I have this day dream in my head.

I know how I want things to be, how I want to feel. How I would love to be in Adrian’s arms right now. The most perfect thing for me right now…

Is it bad to tell a day dream? I mean, this is my diary, if I can’t share my thoughts and feelings here, where can I?

There is the day dream in my head, of Adrian and I lying in bed. The covers drawn up around us and cups of tea steaming away on the side table. There’s something silly on the TV and we are curled up together, all warm and cosy and I just feel safe and warm and happy. How I normally feel in his arms. That at peace feeling being in our own world like nothing else matters.

I love that around him I get to be myself, I love that we are one hundred percent who we are around each other. I would love for him to be able to not get into his own way so often, but it is ok that he just feels comfortable around me and makes that time for us to relax right now.

It’s not my only day dream for us. It’s not the only way I think about him.

I love how he smiles when we kiss. I love how he jabs and pokes my back (even if it sometimes is a little too hard or annoying) when I am laying in his arms. It just feels so at home comfortable. I love how we just seem to fit together. I love how his arms wrap around me. I love how he pulls me into kisses. I love how he laughs. I just feel like I don’t have to be anyone or anything else.

It’s those happy thoughts that keep me smiling at the moment.

After the recent crazy manifestations, it’s just nice to smile at a memory, at a day dream. Somehow even my dreams are getting more complicated, the stowaway girl dreams are just a challenge sometimes. Somewhere between romantic and evasive and just like a story. I like the idea of just being with and needing someone and not feeling shut out by them when there is emotional honesty. I like the not running away from each-other-ness. I like that dream because there is just that open honesty. I started bringing it into my “real” life. I started taking brave risks.

It’s like playing a game with lady luck when I start taking risks that aren’t risks. He is away for a year; things could work out if we tried?

So what is the best that I can do at the moment? I mean honestly, what is the best outcome? I get what I want, I get him, I get us. Until then?

I guess I can just focus on me, on my manifestations directly consistently about me not requiring his participation as being a co-creator.

So what do I want for me without needing anyone to co-create?

Abundance in wealth and health and wellbeing. I want to enjoy being me, I want to love the skin I am in. I want to have my own adventures. I want to win the lottery, who doesn’t? I want to improve my career. I want to stay motivated and determined. I want to be happy. I want people around me I trust. I want to keep being deliberate about what I am creating. I enjoy being deliberate and not creating by default. I know being happy is the best chance and choice I have right now.

That’s the thing isn’t it? When you are honestly truly happy you attract whatever it is that you want. I love that, attracting what I want by just being happy.

I didn’t expect making this year the year for me would be this much work, that doesn’t feel like the right word. It’s an almost effort that doesn’t need to be an effort. It gives him a chance to be the man he wants to be. I am the woman I want to be, almost, I want more confidence. That is something the stowaway girl has in buckets that I don’t. She has that whole I am woman and I know who I am vibe. I want to manifest that I can conquer the world kind of confidence. I want to be challenging myself. I want to start doing things that would normally scare me.

I feel like I am getting ready to conquer the world even if I don’t have my safe place in the same country anymore. I take the risks and the energy they bring and what is to stop me from moving past the things that scare me? I can do it? Can’t I?

Maybe he won’t even recognise me when he sees me next. If I keep changing like this, and allowing myself to be the whole of me, soon I will be able to do so many things that I thought I couldn’t do just like I thought I couldn’t be the girl I am now. I didn’t think I could be this person, this honestly happy, strong woman who is doing the best deliberate creating.

It’s that energy you get before you leap into something with both feet and just see where you land. Maybe I will learn to fly. It feels possible. I keep trying to reach for that better feeling thought all the time and I get there more often than not. I keep changing and getting better and feeling better, I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I haven’t for a very long time. I don’t even recognise old photos of me, if I didn’t know better, I would ask who is that person.