.: Entry Sixty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker. For a while now I have felt lost and confused and I have been searching for clarity. Of course, you know this.

I have been wanting to run away from my life. I have wanted to change my life. I have wanted to change my past. I have been trying so hard to undo life that I have forgotten to live in the now. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten that I am choosing my experience. I have gotten sloppy in my thinking. I have allowed myself to be resistant to what I want, I have allowed myself to look at others and compare myself to them and where my life is. It is so easy to feel like life is stagnant, like it is a cycle of being trapped and unable to do or be who you believe you are. I know that is simply resistance. I know that I don’t have to feel that way.

They are no more successful than I am, they are just more in tune with who they are and the future that is on their path, they care about how they feel and they are doing what they want and it shows.

Why am I measuring myself by something other than feeling good? Because that is what we are taught, to compare ourselves and our journeys to everything around us. What a screwy concept.

So I had this great epiphany. Of course I did, in the middle of feeling at ease the answer I had been asking for that I hadn’t realise I had been asking for as I compared myself to others and felt lost and unsure.

I get to define my success. That’s the big ball of thought. I am able to define my success and have it be unique to me. It is un-comparable. It is mine, all mine and not one other person is able to be comparable with who I am, what I want and what I achieve. I can redefine what I see as success. It doesn’t have to be aiming for a goal that feels so distant, so far out of reach. Success doesn’t have to feel like a complete struggle, it doesn’t need to feel impossible. I can make it as easy as I want.

I can make my own success easy to achieve or I can make it hard. For example, I could define success as making millions of pounds in a week; if that is the only goal to measure my success for than it will be easy to feel that failure, to feel un-successful. If I allow that feeling of lack to grow daily; to look at others and see them doing that thing that I want to do or be or see or have and allow myself to feel that jealousy of the success, to feel my own not-enough-ness, to feel that un-successfulness it will attract more of those feelings. That feeling will be confirmed and manifested time and time and time again.

However, if I say to myself, if I do this small thing towards my goal today, or if I can learn this one thing, if I can create this small thing that will create the bigger picture; if I make those things the things that I measure my success by? Well then I will feel that successful feeling I am desiring, that joy I am desiring. That feeling will attract more of its like.

The more of those small successes I breed from small moments, the bigger they will build to be. The more successful I will feel, the more joy that I will feel. The less I will even consider comparing myself to others, it is not my job. It is no one’s job; I do not need to compare at all.

Soon I will feel that wild successfulness and the world that I live in will relay that back to me as others will be able to see and acknowledge the aura of success that I possess. I will be basking in my own enough-ness and the world I live in will reflect it and I will be living more in the moment searching for that good feeling thought that is racing to me at all times. I will be choosing to feel good so frequently that the natural wellbeing within me will be reflected throughout the world.

A small success each and every day, ok almost every day, let’s be gentle on myself, will add up to something bigger. As the successes and the feeling of success adds up each day, each week, each month, each year and so on, the success will take care of itself.

Sure I have ended up on a bit of a rant/rampage. But I can feel that I am successful, that success, luck, lucky breaks, wonderful thoughts and feelings and experiences flow easily to me.

That’s the thing, success, can be as simple as the goal to feel good as often as I can, as often as I allow it and that in itself is successful. Success is feeling good, feeling good is success. I can define anything and what it means to me. It is whatever that feeling of ease flows from and that is the path that is right for me. Whatever path I choose, whatever I decide will always be right, there is no wrong because it is what I choose to be the path for me.

It feels great to just feel so invigorated to be able to choose, to be able to decide who or what I am, it feels good to choose to stop sleepwalking through life and stop comparing myself to others. I can train myself out of that habit and into the habit that serves me, choosing to feel my successfulness in the now rather than that final goal. I can start putting these new beliefs and feelings into my everyday life. Small goals, small successes. That attracts unto itself, and grows and multiplies.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am planning to change my life, again.

.: Entry Sixty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and sometimes I just want to run away from my life. A lot of the time. But that is not exactly a secret.

That trapped feeling has been almost impossible to escape recently. I just want it to be over. I want to just see the world through new eyes. I just want to not feel trapped or stuck.

Today should be Adrian and I’s third anniversary. Last year I felt really mad at this time of year. I think last year, my status was “When your phone is a sarcastic bastard and decides to remind you today would have been an anniversary day with your ex… Well… Just lovely… A year later I’m stronger and better for the could have beens. A year ago it was the first year anniversary and boy was I mad. This year it’s all about the progress and change, I appreciate the good and the bad of the last two years and the years before it and I am looking forward to the future and all the good stuff coming…”

Well, obviously I wasn’t happy. Not the sparkling ray of sunshine I am today… today I am the sarcastic bastard as I so poetically put it. That’s the thing, I was still finding my feet on the whole being a deliberate creator thing. I don’t feel how I did back then. That is why todays status, is the ever sarcastic, “today is going to be a great day” thing. That’s not exactly a lie. Today has been fairly good, but I know it’s from my desire to run away and live a different life, to be someone else.

Something that I have always struggled with, wanting to be someone else, anyone else but me.

I love Adrian, we all know that. But right now, I am so close to running away from life like no tomorrow…

I had thought I would date myself today. Do things to make me happy. Anything to make me happy. I don’t even know what I want, what would make me happy right now?

It’s like sleep walking through life. I keep trying to wake up but sometimes I just can’t manage it, it is so hard to break the habit.

I am on that road I know for waking up more and doing the amazing things that I want to do with my life. There is so much to do, so many things to try. I just don’t want to keep missing out on life. So I asked for an idea of what I can do. Or should I say for advice?

So this is what I received as an answer:

“You know you put your life on hold. So plan your day, do stretches when you wake up. You can be ready to stretch beyond the comfort zone, do things that energize you or broaden your boundaries, things that challenge you. Then you can take the caffeine, do what energizes you that allows you to feel that burst of excitement. Then get dressed for the day, just think of it like you prepare for the day ahead. And there may be rain, but you know it will get sunny again. There are going to be things that you don’t plan and it may do a little damage, and that is ok, it is only for a short while. Then when you leave the house you work towards a destination. You’re not leaving it all behind for forever, you are going out to do what you were meant to do in life. You will return home, to rest. I think you should go to school because you are bright and you could do amazing things, but that is me talking and this needs to be what you want for yourself. It is up to you so alter it to what you want to pursue in life. Finally, when it comes to relationships, I think when you are awake and out in your world the right man will come to be a part of your life. I didn’t dislike Adrian for himself, but it was because you were willing to sacrifice your life, and you have so many brilliant possibilities. You were willing to take care of him because he needed taking care of and because you have been accustomed to taking care of people you got good at it. But it’s too high a cost. You need someone who nurtures you while you nurture them. If you can become good at taking care of people you can also become good at being taken care of. Allow yourself to practice that!”

My friend is a source of wisdom and truth and I think the advice was very true. I have basically been sleep walking through life and now I am ready to change my life. In whatever way that comes about. I think the thing that is important to me more than anything is that I give myself a fair shot. I am ready to start doing something with life. There is a true importance to no longer keep living the life I am without thinking, absent minded routine that has you feeling trapped. I want to be free and I let myself get out of this routine. There is a desire to break free and I know I can do it. I just don’t know what I am going to do next.

I think maybe I will let myself take more of a back seat with my thoughts around Adrian to be handed to the universe, with a whatever happens, happens view. I am hoping that waking up isn’t going to hurt too much, but being truly awake and ready and experiencing life just the way it was intended to be. I am more accepting of the energy and the decisions that I get to make on this journey of being a deliberate creator. It is a long journey, and every time I think I have nailed it I find myself playing catch up.

 

.: Entry Sixty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except, right now I don’t want it to be. I want to be someone else, anyone else. I would love to just explore things through another perspective. I love just being in this universe and all the possibilities that it offers but sometimes, just sometimes I would love to experience things through someone else’s eyes.

I am sure that I am not the only person to ever wonder what it would be like to experience the world through someone else’s eyes? How they touch and taste and feel this world around them.

I just have this urge to meditate into this new place and just see where it takes me. What the swirling colours around me reveal. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to meditate and see if I can unite with my higher self, to find the who I really am that I am seeking. I am certain I can type with my eyes closed and not make too many errors…

As I close my eyes, the colours of the room fade behind my eyelids and I can see bright warm shapes and the colours morph and the words come to me. I know I can do both and reveal what I am searching for, even if I haven’t consciously understood what that is. The colours change and swirl. I can feel the calmness and soothing feeling of the soft music that is playing. I know that I am comfortable and calm and taking gentle breaths. The colours morph from a warm palette to a colourful swirling and every breath feels easy and soft and effortless.

I can ignore and resist the pull of my buzzing phone. It feels good to let go of the me ness that is standing in resistance of my desires. I know that with every breath inwards allowing energies are coming into me, transforming my body, releasing the resistance and allowing it to be expelled in every out breath. I am amazed that I can type so well with my eyes closed. I suppose I have become very familiar with my keyboard, that feels nice. This diary feels nice. I like the gentle ease that comes from this writing, I like the letting go feeling of losing my resistance. I know that everything is always working out for me, I know that everything is working out for me. I know that it is ok to let go of the control I think I have to exert over my surroundings. I know that it is good to release the concept of control, it is faulty and it will not aid me going forward. Trying to control is being resistant of what I am desiring in my eagerness to do something to make what I am desiring to happen. That is ok. It is ok to let go. It is ok to release the emotions that do not serve me. It is ok to rest and relax in every day taking the time to meditate regularly will restore my inner peace. Inner peace feels good, a nice neutral stand point that will allow me to expand my life in any direction that I choose. i can do anything that I desire without being held back or frozen by fear or anxiety. I can release my anxiety to the universe to transform into surety. It is nice to choose clarity. I like that I can let go of any emotion that is not making me feel good. I like feeling good.

I like that thoughts and words are flowing to me easily and effortlessly I like this feeling of eagerness. I know that my desires are unfolding and there is nothing I need to do. I can let go of the desires. I can write them down on a to do list for the universe and not think of it again. I will not be putting resistance in my path. I will have handed the doing-ness to the universe to take care of and I will have to do no efforting to make it happen. It will happen as it has been desired and I will find that my energy will resonate beautifully with the desires that I hold and will bring them into existence.

They are already coming into existence. It feels good to know that my desires are on their way, they are more than desires, they are my experiences, my future conditions that will be a source of joy. I am excited for these future conditions and know that my happiness will stem from my allowing of the desire more than its manifestation. That I am able to choose my life and experiences and I get to choose the things and experiences that I believe will serve me and be a condition that I am joyful for the manifesting of. There is a great joy in believing that I have my desires and it is already here, it is falling into place and I know I am deliberately creating clarity and conditions that bring pleasure.

The universe has heard my asking and is accepting and delivering what I desire as I come to full resonance and alignment of my energy and essence. There is no lack or deprivation of what I am wanting. My energy is transforming to ready allowing and alignment and there is no efforting to make things happen. It is in my feeling good that I am finding myself in beautiful resonance with my inner being. Everything is working out for me and there is no contrast too big or great that can destroy me, there is no condition that will ever impede on my well-being and joy forever. It is all temporary in my adventure. I am consistently making the decision that I want to feel good and the universe is bring that to me which it is known and believed to be that will make me happy and joyful for an eternity because I am a wonderful deliberate creator.

.: Entry Sixty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Today I had a chat with Adrian, he invited me to come out there to see him. I know it’s not the first time he suggested it and I do kinda like the idea. Ok I like the idea. I think that now I know some of the other people I care about’s opinions on it in my life, I put resistance in my path. I guess that now I am ready to embrace and enjoy life, so ready that this opportunity came around. My only resistance now is that my finances wouldn’t like it. When I told him that the finances aren’t do able right now he said he would pay for it. Like the road blocks, what should be resistant just got picked up and taken out of the picture. He is being so sweet and so generous, it is so lovely of him to offer.

I like that my resistance gets picked up, acknowledged, transformed and changes into the best allowing. It’s fun.

I want to go see him, I don’t want to travel particularly but I do want to see him. I want to spend time with him. The thing is, he doesn’t want me to do anything to earn my keep so to speak. It’s really cool. So hopefully sometime very soon I will be seeing him. I would like to see what staying in his company for a week would be like in this situation.

Here’s something else, the realists, the doomsday bringers will poke holes and bring down my energy and bring in resistance. But I know their opinion doesn’t really matter, so I feel like even with a ten-minute blast of negativity from my family member that made me feel so not good enough, so not enough, so negative and resistant. It has been five minutes and I am rising back to the hopeful and excitable energy I had before.

That’s the thing, the family doesn’t like Adrian for whatever point scoring reasons my mother imagined in her imaginary competition in her head to make him the villain and sabotage. But me, I look at Adrian and I know I love him. He is the kindest, sweetest, funniest, nerdiest guy I have ever loved in my life. The true love thing right? That wonderful unconditional love.

I love the getting better to feeling good sensation. I love being able to change my feelings by choosing my thoughts with more care. It feels nice to be in control of my feelings, or should I say being in control of the direction of my feelings.

I think the idea of the finances being in the way is just something easily over looked, so I suppose that is just the universes way of saying don’t worry about it. I like the universe telling me not to worry it feels like I get to enjoy the whole not needing to do anything. The whole feeling that it doesn’t matter because if it is what I want that it will work out.

I enjoyed the chat with Adrian, the offer aside, it was good to talk. The kind of talk where it all feels natural, familiar. It was nice to chatter away and just laugh with each other.

Last entry was full of appreciation and knowing “before the fact”. This entry is like a result of that, I suppose. Being happy with the knowing, being appreciative of the knowing and feeling at ease with it. That brings things into my life in the most perfect way, the fun manifestation of it. I know to some people it sounds like I am crazy or there is so much wishful thinking, but I guess that is what it looks like to others who aren’t in tune with how they feel.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to go back in time and feel things for the first time, how it had so much intensity. But I don’t need to because I think I am just realising I still feel intensely if I listen to it, but I don’t have to be a slave to the emotion. I like not being a slave to the emotion, not being dictated by it. I guess I just enjoy the whole process of being a feeler and a dreamer. I get to change everything in my life by feel and the concern or watching of what is in regards to my finances I know is pointless because there is a constant abundance flowing to me if I allow it. All I have to do is choose to allow myself to feel and experience life. The finances will take care of themselves.

I am so appreciative of the knowing that is in my life, the clarity. It is such a wonderful feeling to begin taking control over my experience again and allowing good and wonderful things into my life. Allowing those steps forward in the direction of what I want.

My name is Elliot Parker, I know I am a deliberate creator and it is pure ecstasy choosing my experience.

I love this soothing feeling, like what I want is coming to me.

An experience that is wonderful and slightly terrifying because it is feeling huge and unknown is asking to be allowed into my experience. The terrifying-ness is short lived, because I know that I can self sooth the resistance it symbolises away. It may be unknown to me, the country, the customs and the people, but I get to explore that and be an adventurer. I get to see Adrian in a new way, in the same time zone again. I get to enjoy it and have fun and relax and get away from whatever resistance I might have built up in my experience. I think some really amazing changes are about to happen and this is the first nod to my new energy of knowing and appreciation and allowing in my ready-ness to choose the experience in life I want to have.