The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker. For a while now I have felt lost and confused and I have been searching for clarity. Of course, you know this.

I have been wanting to run away from my life. I have wanted to change my life. I have wanted to change my past. I have been trying so hard to undo life that I have forgotten to live in the now. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten that I am choosing my experience. I have gotten sloppy in my thinking. I have allowed myself to be resistant to what I want, I have allowed myself to look at others and compare myself to them and where my life is. It is so easy to feel like life is stagnant, like it is a cycle of being trapped and unable to do or be who you believe you are. I know that is simply resistance. I know that I don’t have to feel that way.

They are no more successful than I am, they are just more in tune with who they are and the future that is on their path, they care about how they feel and they are doing what they want and it shows.

Why am I measuring myself by something other than feeling good? Because that is what we are taught, to compare ourselves and our journeys to everything around us. What a screwy concept.

So I had this great epiphany. Of course I did, in the middle of feeling at ease the answer I had been asking for that I hadn’t realise I had been asking for as I compared myself to others and felt lost and unsure.

I get to define my success. That’s the big ball of thought. I am able to define my success and have it be unique to me. It is un-comparable. It is mine, all mine and not one other person is able to be comparable with who I am, what I want and what I achieve. I can redefine what I see as success. It doesn’t have to be aiming for a goal that feels so distant, so far out of reach. Success doesn’t have to feel like a complete struggle, it doesn’t need to feel impossible. I can make it as easy as I want.

I can make my own success easy to achieve or I can make it hard. For example, I could define success as making millions of pounds in a week; if that is the only goal to measure my success for than it will be easy to feel that failure, to feel un-successful. If I allow that feeling of lack to grow daily; to look at others and see them doing that thing that I want to do or be or see or have and allow myself to feel that jealousy of the success, to feel my own not-enough-ness, to feel that un-successfulness it will attract more of those feelings. That feeling will be confirmed and manifested time and time and time again.

However, if I say to myself, if I do this small thing towards my goal today, or if I can learn this one thing, if I can create this small thing that will create the bigger picture; if I make those things the things that I measure my success by? Well then I will feel that successful feeling I am desiring, that joy I am desiring. That feeling will attract more of its like.

The more of those small successes I breed from small moments, the bigger they will build to be. The more successful I will feel, the more joy that I will feel. The less I will even consider comparing myself to others, it is not my job. It is no one’s job; I do not need to compare at all.

Soon I will feel that wild successfulness and the world that I live in will relay that back to me as others will be able to see and acknowledge the aura of success that I possess. I will be basking in my own enough-ness and the world I live in will reflect it and I will be living more in the moment searching for that good feeling thought that is racing to me at all times. I will be choosing to feel good so frequently that the natural wellbeing within me will be reflected throughout the world.

A small success each and every day, ok almost every day, let’s be gentle on myself, will add up to something bigger. As the successes and the feeling of success adds up each day, each week, each month, each year and so on, the success will take care of itself.

Sure I have ended up on a bit of a rant/rampage. But I can feel that I am successful, that success, luck, lucky breaks, wonderful thoughts and feelings and experiences flow easily to me.

That’s the thing, success, can be as simple as the goal to feel good as often as I can, as often as I allow it and that in itself is successful. Success is feeling good, feeling good is success. I can define anything and what it means to me. It is whatever that feeling of ease flows from and that is the path that is right for me. Whatever path I choose, whatever I decide will always be right, there is no wrong because it is what I choose to be the path for me.

It feels great to just feel so invigorated to be able to choose, to be able to decide who or what I am, it feels good to choose to stop sleepwalking through life and stop comparing myself to others. I can train myself out of that habit and into the habit that serves me, choosing to feel my successfulness in the now rather than that final goal. I can start putting these new beliefs and feelings into my everyday life. Small goals, small successes. That attracts unto itself, and grows and multiplies.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am planning to change my life, again.

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