The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

It still starts the same. I come to my special room in this dream world place, the floor changes and rumbles under my feet, it comes away and reveals the bookshelves and cabinets. The walls change colour and look older. The shelves and cabinets are all covered in books. My notebook is still there. There’s been no new messages from the mysterious Adrian Kraig. I’m Curious about him. I want to know more. Twirling a pen in my fingers I think about it a little too much, writing another note, just a small one. “So, is it even possible that I could meet you?” I put the notebook back where it goes.

Now? Well, now I get to choose the next part of the dream. My fingers run the spines of books nearby until I find the one. I stumbled on it the first time, now it’s become a more deliberate choice. It’s become a firm favourite to enter this world. I like the exciting awareness it creates, it just feels more real, more real than I could have anticipated.

It’s the story of the stowaway girl. I feel that familiar pull, and I am there.

The rain is pouring hard and fast as we try to find some kind of cover, somewhere dry. The Captain is moving quicker as we head further into the trees. The trees are thicker and older, the air is thick and balmy with the rain but it won’t stay this way, we hope.

The crew are grumpy, the rain is pouring and the Captain is asking more from them. In search of shelter and camp. Between the forest and the trees there is a lack of direction. Taking a chance, I break from the Captain’s side. I climb up the tall tree up ahead. Its slippery and wet and rough under my fingers. The rain pounding over my skin, the drips hit a little sharper the further up I climb. Reaching half way to the top I can see further than I had hoped. This was high enough and hard enough for now. There ahead of them and a little to the left there seemed to be an overhang of a cave. More than just the one, the coming land ahead was riddled with hills, crevices, caves and cliff faces.

Climbing down the tree was easier in theory. Now my body ached from clinging to the slippery tree in the rain.

I can see the crew below, waiting. The bark feels wetter, I feel wetter and colder and my muscles are starting to cramp. It only makes me cling to the tree harder. I am sure the Captain will be annoyed I ran off. But I have good news. That should be a consolation. There’s maybe 10 feet between myself and the ground.

The crack of lightening turning the canopy a glowing green for a moment before the rain starts lashing down heavier. It caught me a little by surprise, my foot missed the branch I was aiming for, the change in weight, the slip up puts strain on my arms as I cling as best I can, my hands slipping. The Captain is calling up to me but I can’t hear him. I take a moment and deep breath to calm myself. I push my feet against the trunk of the tree as best I can and let my hands release the tree and push off from the tree in one motion. I feel myself turn in the air. Hands spin themselves in a net below me.

It’s the Captain who pulls me upright. “You’re shaking like a puppy. You had better have some good news for us.”

“There’s caves over there” I point shivering.

“Let’s go, weapons ready, they might be occupied. Move” the Captain urged.

All of our clothes are wet, mine seem to be drenched, clinging to my skin. My muscles are shaking from bearing my weight. The rain is pouring harder and I can’t help but feel the pinch of the Captain’s fingers wrapped tightly around my upper arm. His grip is like steel. “What the hell did you think you were doing; you could have been killed?”

“I did it before at your command, or have you forgotten?”

“Don’t you dare, that was different.”

“How?”

“You were nothing but the stowaway.”

“I still am.”

“No, you are the princess”

“That doesn’t change anything”

“It does, your too valuable to get killed climbing a tree.”

“That is exactly it isn’t it. I am valuable. Nothing but a fee or prize.”

“If that was the case you would be in chains.”

“Perhaps I already am.” I glare at his hand holding tight on my arm. I can imagine the bruise that will come from him releasing his grip.

“Do you really want to test me right now?” His voice echoes a little in the mouth of the cave, the crew are now paying attention to us. The Captain orders the fire to be lit further inside. The men have explored it, it’s a shallow cave but just enough room for a small fire. Their search for fire wood took a while. Slowly the men began returning and a small fire was lit.

The Captain glared at me. The small bale of blankets that had been protected from the rain, the blankets were unwrapped. The Captain stood with his and a spare on his arm. He pulled his shirt up over his head, I redirected my eyes and looked away. He pulled a blanket over his shoulders. A man in the crew laughed, “Cap, you made the stowaway blush”

I glare. Still shivering. “That’s ok, she’s about to make you blush.” The Captain pulls me over towards him. “Take your clothes off” I stare and shake my head no. “Take your clothes off you will catch a death.” My eyes dart in the direction of the crew, I shake my head again.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

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2016 as a whole…

What was good about 2016?

2016 has been eternally challenging for everyone that I know. But for every dark cloud there is a silver lining. So what went right in 2016?

Well, I released Counting Corvids onto kindle. My relationship with myself has improved. To be honest emotionally I have noticed my progress and how I am always improving and getting better. I’ve developed a decent level of self respect, that I definitely needed. Some self worth, that I had never understood or really felt. Self assurance, that I am responsible for my own happiness and happiness alone.

My relationship with my nana has improved. My certainty has improved. I feel like I have developed some confidence. I feel like I am less likely to compromise myself.

I have been writing a new project this year. The Diary of Elliot Parker a great idea of 2016. I have been working on TDEP and found that it has made me feel like as a person it has helped me to grow. It’s helped catalyze a lot of changes in my life and how I want to view things myself.

I have also stared writing the “big”project, It is a huge one, supremely daunting. I have only just begun working on it properly. I also managed to edit and rewrite a project that was my first for fun writing story and it took a long time but I am certainly proud.

I learned a lot in 2016, especially happiness comes from within. And rather unexpectedly I have come to a place of peace and closure about things that have never physically offered me peace or closure.

What would I change about 2016?

I have to say nothing. However much I might like to change things, even some from 2015. But you can’t change the past. Even if I am still kicking myself for moving the chair caddy in my old job that was the cause of the problems in my ribs. Other than that, even including that, it has been an eventful 2016 that has helped me to grow into the person I am. This year has brought about the person I have become, I am making so much progress in my emotional and mental well-being.

What were my 2016 goals? Were they achieved?

Improve the views on here (achieved)

Find a literary agent

Find a publisher

Write the “big” project (started)

Prepare posts for here (achieved)

Do editing (achieved)

Learn to drive

Get tattoos (achieved)

Learn guitar (work in progress)

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker. And I am back.

I am still known as “the stowaway girl”.

I remember the last time I was in this world, the brush of the Captains lips. I shake the memory away from my mind. We are climbing further up into the forest. The Captain turns back every so often to see that I am still there, still walking behind. The crew follow behind. The jeers have quietened down since the Captain branded me his “property” in their eyes.

“So what’s the plan?” The words escape me and I can’t catch them and pull them back. The Captain’s head turned, the crew fell silent, expectation seeping through every sweating pore of skin.

The Captain smiled, but it was hidden from the crew. He was good at masking. Something he had promised to teach me. A mask that reveals the truth of an expression to one person not a crowd. It was a great skill, one that comes with practice. It takes control, however once you learn to see beyond the mask, that’s when things get very interesting. No one can fool you with the sight. I’ve always had a base of sight, but the Captain always seems to want to test it and make it grow. The mask the Captain wore was disdain in this very moment.

He turned and carried on walking. But I had unleashed a ticking time bomb, something simple, an idea, a question. One that he would need to answer.

I could hear the whispering behind me, in the humidity the sweat just clung to our skin like the words going through the men.

“You still want to know the plan, girl?” The Captain called behind him, throwing his question at me. I stopped in my tracks the man behind banging into me causing me to stumble and move a little faster. I trot up towards the Captain. “Yes Captain.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you think the plan is? You’ve been watching me, weighing my movements. What is my plan?”

“High ground, following the stream.”

“Good, continue.”

“Find out what is around us, where we are and if there are ships.”

“And.”

“A good secure spot for a camp for the night. A guardable area.”

“Why?” He turns to me now, his eyes locked into mine, drawing himself closer, I can feel his hand at my elbow, beginning to rise up my arm.

“It was too dangerous to stay on the beach, in… in case of fleet surviving the fire or the attention it would draw.” My breath catches as his hand rests at the side of my neck, his thumb stroking under my chin.

“Good” he whispers; I can feel his breath on my skin. He feels me swallow by the twitches in my neck, his eyes are still locked onto mine his smile flickers, brighter for a second. “You’re learning.” He is right, his mask has shown intimidation towards the crew but that is not the face I saw when I looked less with my eyes more with something more instinctual. I have tried to hold my own mask, a timid, scared mask. But that really isn’t what the Captain can see. “You’re a quick study.” His other hand is now resting just behind my elbow, the hand on my neck slides round the back of my neck under my hair. To the crew they would have seen me flinch, to him I am resisting what he knows I want, what it is I am seeping into the air through my charm. He can feel my own resistance in wanting his lips on mine. On accepting what I want instinctively in this moment.

I lower my gaze for a moment, just to his lips, his face is so close to mine we are sharing breath, again. This time the crew hears a command, I hear a request when the Captain speaks again. “You want to kiss me? So do it.” I stutter, “I… I…”

“Need to stop resisting.” His expression softened. But the hand behind my neck drew me a fraction closer, just a small amount. I can feel the temptation; the charm he is exuding. It’s intoxicating, he is testing me, not backing down but not making that last move. “Do it” he whispers, his breath and mine spinning between us. Part of me wants to defy him, to pull away and break the charm; not to play this game of power in front of his men. It is not the game the same game that we are interpreting, this is a game of my own inhibitions and the Captain is testing them.

I let go of my resistance, the practicality of it, the practically of being in control of myself for a few moments. I lean that small distance and let our lips meet.

My breath catches in my throat, the tension in my body lessons as he kisses back. His hand abandons being behind my elbow and pins me in the small of my back drawing my body to his. Where our arms cross and touch, where our bodies meet in that contact between us, the heat is less of a humidity issue and more of a sparking issue.

His lips leave mine, the air slows between us for that second before I pull his lips back to mine, this time my hand is wrapped around the back of his neck while I’ve pulled him closer to me. Snaking my fingers into his hair and holding him closer. This time when he kisses me the air seems hotter and balmier, the air is fire inside my lungs. This time I pull away, a fraction, just a little. He is hungry for more and his lips meet mine, chasing me as I lean back a tiny bit, trying to add a little distance between our bodies.

He pauses and reads me, this is enough, right now this is my limit.

He is warm with his smile now. Still hungry, but now with a hint of affection.

Then I feel that familiar lurch and I am pulled back from this world.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

Author Update (December 2016)

Heya

First off… HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a happy healthy new year.

I’ve barely done any writing recently, its sad but true. Getting ready for Christmas and emotionally preparing myself for the fireworks of a different nature. I have been quite reflective recently, so there is going to be a bit of a reflective post coming up. I have been planning some ideas of what I would like next year to look like, so hopefully things will go well.

I honestly have just spent the last 4 hours cleaning my room out so I’m a bit exhausted so this wont be a long one.

I appreciate all of you who decide to take the time to read what I write.

So I am about to be the girl with a goal, a maid on a mission… I have an idea of what I want to achieve next year, and with any luck it will happen with ease and fun.

I have been learning Catch me by Demi Lovato on guitar, its taking a bit of time, my ribs have been causing a few problems so I haven’t done half of what I should be doing.

This is a short one today because it is Christmas and we all have a thousand things to do!

And now the very obvious plug for The Diary of Elliot Parker? Hmmn…. CHECK IT OUT! (please)

There that’s the plug done.

Time to plug the pre-order link…

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

Have fun and enjoy the month ahead please 😀

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy. (Psst- got a secret for ya… The Diary of Elliot Parker will be arriving there soon 😉 hehe- not sure its much of a secret anymore

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Clover has stabbed me in the back again.

Well I know I mentioned that I decided after I found out she had chosen to see how it plays out with the poster child rather than fix the friendship that I was done. I still am. I unfriended her. When she found out she started posting on social media saying I used her for rides in her car. Like seriously, that is pathetic, considering if she did ever go out of her way for me I brought her something where we were or I brought her dinner or lunch or food in general. But you know, I am the bad guy right?

Well that’s not the only place she started to post about me, she posted again on another platform. Apparently she is not a nasty girl, but I am not a true friend, because I walked away from the situation. There is only so long that you can stick around while your friend refuses to listen to reason she knows is right. To advice. To logic and experience. She chose to keep choosing to stay in that toxic situation. She chose to keep being a victim of the damage to her self-esteem. I tried to shock her to reason. Didn’t work obviously. And yet who is the one who gets attacked while she still plays the victim? Who is the one who gets blamed for her mistakes time and time again. Because sure it’s my fault that years ago she couldn’t make up her mind what brother she wanted and when it all blew up who got blamed for it? Me. She did the same thing then on social media.

Well once is a mistake, twice well…

This time it’s not only the public route she has taken, which so far I have avoided. She sent a message to my ex. MY EX of all people. At the moment I am at the point where revenge just seems a bit insufficient. Too public and too messy.

She has been the one to shoot herself in the foot. She has chosen to stab me in the back, again. Blame me for her choices.

Here is something interesting that I realised though. In her messaging my ex I feel like I want to keep away from him rather than keep the friendship. Like she poisons everything she touches.

I don’t think it’s that though. Its more that she is being snide for attention, playing the victim.

I don’t think that friendship could ever or will ever recover.

That is sad. Like really sad.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want a happy life. I am not running after or chasing what I want. What I want is coming to me, there is nothing I have to do to make it happen.

I want to start a new thing in my life. I want to start pursuing happiness in a different way, yes it will come to me, but no I will not chase it. I need a new schedule to my day, a new pattern.

There are times when life can feel overwhelming or it can feel like the most amazing moment to be absorbed in.

See when I started writing this I felt so angry, then I felt sorry, then I felt understanding. She has lost her friend through a bad choice and she has to lash out to get a new source of attention.

When I started writing this, I felt too angry to understand it. Then I reached for the better feeling thought, revenge, though I didn’t act on it. Revenge is the better feeling thought, anger feels powerless but revenge feels powerful. What feels better than revenge? Accepting that this has happened. What feels better than that? Knowing that there is nothing I have to do to fix it, it is not my vibrational mess to fix. I cannot fix someone else or their vibration. The only vibration I can control is mine. It feels good to know that my vibration is under my control. I do not have to alter my vibration to make someone else better by lowering my energy. It feels good to know that my vibration is my own and connected with the larger part of me. It feels good to know that my vibration can raise through the relief of finding the better feeling thoughts and feeling my way better.

Things will work out for me the more I release the resistance I am holding.

I am responding to the world around me by instinct. That feels good, my intuition tells me I am always on my path, I can never be off my path. My intuition is a message, a vibrational interpretation that tells me that I am allowing what I want.

I am feeling better now. Better than I did a few hours ago. I am accepting the relief that comes from walking away from how things were. Accepting how they are. Accepting that I am coming into a new vibrational alignment with a new part of my life. I am coming into a new vibrational alignment; I am on the leading edge of something amazing. I no longer want to keep my hand on the stove of pain. I am ready to allow the knowledge of being a deliberate creator.

I am ready to have another dream; I am ready to go back to the room with the books. I am excited to return to the room, it no longer feels tainted and violated by its being used by another deliberate creator. I will meet whoever this other deliberate creator is soon. I am excited to meet that person and see who else has joined me on the leading edge.

My name is Elliot Parker. I want to give up the phrase “I hope” as in “I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.” I want to replace that phrase with “I know” as in “I know tomorrow is a better day.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

It’s been roughly a week since I lost my best friend. Oddly, I have found more peace and productivity than I thought I would have.

I have found that the respite of not having to hear someone go on about such a negative energy so often for so long has helped me feel peace. Without having to be constantly accessible for someone to complain and endure the energy drain of constantly trying to make someone feel better.

Well that’s the thing while I have had this peace it seems someone else is suffering the Clover that I know. A mutual friend of ours, Naomi sent me a message a few days after the rift formed. She said that Clover was driving her mad. Naomi had some pretty serious stuff going on with her lately, a break up being a large portion of the stress, Naomi just wanted to talk for a few minutes about things going on with her. What did Clover do? Repeatedly change the topic to one of the boys talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel for her, she wasn’t used to it on that scale. That and the social media overload of “happy” status’.

Apparently the reality doesn’t match that, it is over compensating. Or so I keep being informed.

She told another mutual friend that she had decided to see how things play out with that poster child boy. Well, that’s her choice. She has chosen to pursue him (and a few other boys but they have nothing to do with this) rather than try to mend the friendship. So, I had to make a decision. I have decided that given her choice to make no efforts to mend the friendship and hedge her bets on boys that no matter what the outcome of her relationship the friendship is over. Completely. No reconciliation. That’s it, done.

Unfriended for life.

My name is Elliot Parker; I have decided to pursue my happiness without feeling guilty. After all, guilt is a debt that has already been paid.

Another thing I have neglected to mention recently; well, ok so you know I recently admitted I have feelings for Jonas, after a few months of being in denial, now I am less in denial. I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple of weeks, mainly because he has a lack of wifi and is working ridiculous hours at the moment. (Yes I am getting to the point, I swear.)

So yesterday I went out for a drink with a friend who kept telling me I had feelings for Jonas during my giant denial phase, so chatting away filling him in with all the Clover drama and all the fun stuff. So he was asking me about Jonas trying to get a measure of my feelings, well it was interesting. He seems to consider himself some kind of scientist on the matter. He decided to test my pupil response to a few names. He started with Clover, not much response. My ex, a small response, according to him I must have some feelings for him still. Jonas’ name, apparently the difference was “significant” but he could have been pulling my leg. I found it mildly interesting and funny.  So yes, my friend decided to test me, and according to him I really like Jonas. I just hope I don’t lose this friend to Clover, we’ve been friends for so long, so I call dibs. But that is not the point.

But funnily enough, after I got home I received a message from Jonas. After so long of quiet it is safe to say, I was very excited. Can you blame me? He has been working so hard, but the bit that got me giddy was that he missed chatting with me. That and the “xxx” at the end. Silly huh? But the thing is, it felt like a great manifestation. That it is ok to talk openly about things that I want or want to consider. Sometimes, I forget that I am a deliberate creator. Sometimes I forget I am in control of my universe and what I bring attention to, what it is I want in my life.

So I manifested Jonas’ message last night.

I manifested the now permanent rift with Clover. I wanted peace and quiet and less boy drama in my life. And now I am able to relax and not feel like I am compromising my happiness constantly by trying to make someone else feel better about themselves because they don’t understand that they are attracting it. I am ready to attract healthy friendships. I am ready to attract a healthy relationship. I am ready to attract all that I want, and achieve all that I want. It is going to be fun, free and easy.

Everything is always working out for me.

My name is Elliot Parker. I have invested in some more books to read- so I will be insanely happy. I have discovered a new series to watch, which it turns out was originally a book, so of course logic states that I should get the books, read the books and be super happy I have the books. My to-read list seems to keep growing.

I feel like right now a short rampage is in order.

Everything is always working out for me. There is a fountain of abundance in my life and I am riding the waves of knowing. I know that all that I want and need and desire is coming to me. I know that I am a deliberate creator. I know there is magic in this world. I know there is magic in dreams. I know that nothing is impossible. I know that it is good to be happy and put happiness first. I know that it is good to make yourself happy by following an impulse that feels good. I love knowing that there is always a better feeling thought in reach.

I know that everything will work out.

Regardless of the rift I know that eventually Clover will sort herself out and have a happy life, if she lets herself.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty- Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I just had a huge fight with Clover. Well less a fight more a giant messy parting.

So I know I haven’t really mentioned this, before, not in depth, but there are somethings that you simply don’t want to hold attention to. Clover in all of this mess and obsession with her ex has been talking to someone that I have nicknamed the poster child for domestic violence (I’ll probably just shorten that here to the poster child). It’s not nice, but he earned it. He is very volatile as a person.

You see, for months now Clover has told me about the conversations she has with him. He gets nasty and mean a lot. Fights with her a lot. Sends the boys on her social media abusive messages and tells her to delete them. He is possessive and rude and starts fights over nothing. He calls her rude names and puts her down and the things she loves.

So as you can imagine I have a low opinion of poster child.

So at the start of the other week I was in a really great mood, I had been out to a concert with my brother and it was great. The next day, I called Clover to check in and see how she was doing. Well I got to talk for a few minutes about the great mood and awesome concert before she took over and started talking about boys.

She started to talk about the week she had had, she had felt off and down most of the week and the day she started to feel better the poster child brought her right down by getting nasty with her. So of course I asked the question. “Why are you putting up with it?”

She ignored the question and kept talking about him, she made excuses, like “he is stressed”, “he has problems”, “it’s not his fault it was how he grew up”. Well that didn’t help really did it? Because I repeated the question, she said, “I like him, sometimes he is so sweet and nice as pie. When he is nice I start to think that things will get better and that we might stand a chance, I think about saying yes to a date with him. Then he turns nasty and I think maybe not.”

My response was simple, that is abusive. Again she makes an excuse.

It got worse after that, so much worse.

So that is when I warned her that friends and family will start walking away if she continues to keep choosing the abuse over being happy, being healthy. Her response was that no one else really knows. That put me in the middle of a big choice. To placate her and make her feel better as usual and have my advice ignored, which I knew was what she wanted and had expected. Or I could stand up for what I hoped was the right thing. Not just for Clover but for her daughter. To walk away from an abusive person who actively hurt her on a regular basis.

So there I was stuck between the rock and the hard place doing what was right and doing what was asked of me, expected of me.

So that’s when I said she can start choosing between her family and friends now and him. She had the choice between, now, I don’t want to just say myself or my friendship like a conceited person, but more the unlimited support I have tried to give her, the cheering up sessions, the chatting, the whole of what the friendship was. Something akin to sisters.  Or someone who actively made her feel low and kept her unsteady and damaged her self-worth, self-love, self-respect.

Her response in those seconds after I told her she can start choosing now, “oh… I dunno” like it was hard, like she had to really think for a long time because the attention she got from the abuse that she could get from people was that much of an important aspect. I hate to say it, but it does sort of haunt me, but that is what made up my mind. I told her she had clearly made her choice and I said bye and that was it. Years turned to dust and water.

That’s the thing, it’s not the first time I had to tell her to make a choice. At the start of her relationship with her now baby daddy she was flirting with his brother. A lot. I had enough and told her to make her mind up which brother she wanted. Well after that she blamed me for her flirting around blowing up in her face. Didn’t talk for months.

This time though, it feels different. For a start, it’s not me telling her to decide what boy she wants. It’s me asking her to make a choice of what life she wants.

The thing is, and I know I should be feeling really bad, the day of the ultimatum was hard. It was hard because there was a guilt that I made her choose, because I needed to get closure. The exposure to her moods, her highs and lows and her being treated like that, it did affect me. It reminded me too much of my own past, and I had hoped she had learned from my mistakes so she never had to experience it herself. And yet there she is, choosing to put herself in that position.

When I went through it, a lot of who I was died. Coming out of it, felt like I had been burned alive and this is what remained. Eventually I healed and so have the scars. But she saw that. I had hoped she would have chosen to not experience it.

Mind you for a long time I have hoped she would choose a different path in general. To follow a dream that didn’t depend on a boy or romance or attention. Something she could be passionate about. But hey, she chose the boy.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Last night I had a dream. It wasn’t just empty sleep. It felt so good to be in that world again. It felt so incredibly frustrating to be finally in this dream and then pulled out of it. And yes I know, it was kind of an intense dream. It was kind of an intimate dream. So yes, that anxiety about intimacy played into it. That was kind of awesome. But I did learn something, I can do it. I can think about the awareness of proximity and not feel an anxious prickle down the back of my neck.

And yes the Captain in the dreams… he is attractive, I won’t bother trying to lie. He reminds me of someone. That natural energy. But that world that this dream thrives in, my god it all just seems so intense, and the laws of that world seem different to this world.

But here is an idea, a something I want to know about; can that magical charm transcend into this world? Is it the use of charisma that they are using? Is it magic or charisma? Is it charm or charisma? Is it entrancement or charisma? Is it even charisma? Could it be just internal knowing that what you want will happen? Could it be that knowing, that internal knowing that tells you that everything is coming together for you?

It is such a broad idea. It’s great, I love it.

I woke up this morning full of wonder, full of energy. FULL of imagination. My mind is full of these ideas; these images of things I want to say or show.

So, part of me has this intense wanting to know who the hell the Captain reminds me of. The other part, frustrated that I was woken from that amazing dream, it was so frustrating to be pulled from such a wonderful thing by its phone call.

The person on the other end? Well, that was Clover.

I keep trying to change my observation of her, of my frustration of her, I keep trying to remind myself of all the positive aspects of her. But there is a reason why it is hard, because in my awareness of the frustration I attract the reasoning for it.

So Clover interrupted my lovely dream. Apparently her ex, who she has this intense obsession with, she wants him back, has apparently been on social media. He has been popping up and going away and not talking to her. She has convinced herself that he has done this to check up on her, it’s been well over six months. He is in a relationship with someone else. Nothing seems to have changed. She is convinced that he is playing a game with her to try to get her to be the first one to talk. I don’t know how to tell her she is sounding like a stalker by the way she is holding her attention towards him.

I don’t know how to tell her that, or that she needs to heal and move on. She keeps justifying it, holding herself in this place of pain. She knows the very basics of the process to do with being a deliberate creator from observing me. But in that she uses it to justify her obsession, she doesn’t want to move on.

In observing her I know one thing, I am knowing that her obsession doesn’t make it right. I know that she is holding herself in a place of pain. I have held myself in that place of pain, in my attention to Adrian Ferisle. The thing is I’ve been learning is that his presence in my life must now be one thing or another, all or nothing. His current technique of popping up and not letting me forget about him by talking to me in waves of bombardment and silence, I DO NOT WANT THAT ANYMORE. He wants to stay in my life because he doesn’t want to let me go, it is by his insistence that we are still friends.

But I know and I understand that I am worthy and deserve reliability. I deserve to know where I stand. But I do know where I stand. If he wants to be in my life and keep getting the benefits of my reliability, my care, my consideration, my kindness, my time and my support he needs to make a commitment to me to in turn reliably learn and grow as a team. I am done being in this limbo, I have been done for so long, I have said this so often, but now I believe it. What I want doesn’t trump what I need. I will feel good, no matter what, his presence or his absence will feel good because I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know that I am deserving of that better feeling thought.

I am excited by the knowing that I am in charge of my happiness it is my thing, my responsibility. Influences like Clover or Adrian are slowly going to have less and less influence on my happiness. Outside factors will have less influence as I become more aware and more in control of my thinking, my happiness and my future. I know that what will be manifested will be brilliant, that I will be excited. I will be sure that whatever is perceived of me will not affect my happiness. Those that understand the process of deliberate creation from the root to the tip of the iceberg will be able to not only hear my words like anyone else but they will be able to understand them. That knowing is awesome.

I am so glad, I am so glad that what is, or what was, is not where I am or where I am going. Because where I am going, I am already there, my energy is in harmony with that. It is the sweet music of the universe. That joy, unbridled comes from the understanding, from the knowing that develops from being a deliberate creator.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Twenty:.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am known as the stowaway girl here, only the Captain knows who I really am.

But a Captain is not a captain without a ship. And we are nothing more than a crew littered on the sea in life rafts. His authority could be challenged; my presence will only worsen that. But for now I need him and he needs me and with land in sight, well everything could be changed.

Sat on opposite ends of the raft I can feel him trying to lock my gaze to his. Right now, I don’t need to entrance him to bend to my will. I suspect he is the kind of man who could resist the charm, his essence of leadership is potent, especially on his crew. I don’t intend to convert the crew. Just charm them slightly, just add a touch of loyalty to my cause. People don’t know about the reality of the entrancement, I suspect a travelled man like the Captain does, but his crew probably don’t. I suspect he knows exactly what he is doing with his crew, that is why he wants to lock eyes to me, command my loyalty, when I am encouraging theirs.

The Captains charm won’t work on me, not well at least, but my charm? Well, I exercise it with control. I don’t want blindness I want honesty. But of course a little loyalty doesn’t hurt.

“Stowaway girl.” I look up, the Captain has given a direct command as we reach land. “Stand beside me.”

Does he think I will run? Or is it just that I am a very valuable treasure to trade?

“Neither.” He whispers in my ear; I turn to face him bemused. “You won’t run, and I won’t trade you. I know who and what you are.”

“How?”

“You think I know a traitor by their actions? Stolen whispered conversations? Little birds in my ear? No. I know I must read them. I have been reading you.”

“How?”

“I could teach you to do the same, that is why you will not run.”

“Trade?”

“You may be valuable, you might be worth my men’s weight in gold for a safe return, or for a swift execution.” His grip on my upper arm tightened so that when his lips brushed my ear I couldn’t pull away if I wanted, to others it certainly would look like I was being threatened but his voice gave away a little secret that I didn’t quite understand. “You are more valuable than that, so long as you are alive, so long as you work with me. I saw you working charm on the lifeboats, sewing the first threads, you wouldn’t get a mutiny to save you but you would get enough conflict to slip away. Something we both know. But you won’t leave me as long as I am useful, and you, well you are very useful.”

His lips brushing on my ear surprised me as he spoke, not for his words, but for the strange tingling sensation, the heat where his skin had met mine. “You are useful, your alignment to power is strong, but it is new, it is fresh.” I become aware of his proximity the grip of his hand no longer digging so deeply into my arm. “You will help me stop the crew from slipping into a mutiny without the ship. You will help us get back on the water. With more men, I am sure. And if you are good and do as I ask, all I ask of you, I will take you where you want to go. With another condition. You are honest with me. I will see and know when you are not.”

My breath is caught in my chest like I am choking on my words, I have to agree to the terms. “Fine”

“You don’t like it”

“No one likes to be held to ransom.”

“If this is ransom, then you are a very lucky girl.” His last words made my cheeks flush and tingle with his breath on my skin. I closed my eyes, trying to steal my nerves, trying to steady my breath. He lingered, toying with me. If there is something he wants to say, he is taking his time in saying it. I feel myself growing more aware, it is his right hand tight around my right arm. I could easily wrench myself free but in this moment I don’t want to, I am on the edge of something, fear. Everything is heightened. Everything is awake inside of me, I feel alive, I feel more aware of every inch of my skin. I feel aware of his left hand wrapped in my hair, tugging slightly firing nerves down my spine, a tingling. Keeping me in place, his lips touching my ear, lips that had brushed my skin with every word.

My throat tightened, ever so slightly as he pulled his lips away by a fraction as he gently pulled my hair leaning my head so the side of my neck was exposed. His lips brushing down my neck to the edge of my collarbone and back. He brought his lips back to my ear, “you are mine.”

“No I’m not. No one owns me.”

“I didn’t say that I own you, I said that you are mine, it means something entirely different.”

“How?” He felt him smile at my question this time he pulled my head so my eyes met his.

“You are mine.” I shook my head no, just a fraction. He winked with the left side, before letting his eyes roam to his right and my eyes followed his to see the crew watching our interaction. “You are mine” he growled.

I felt myself swallow the lump in my throat. “You are mine.” He said louder, much louder than he had spoken yet. His eyes flickered between my lips and my eyes, before he leaned in close, not fast but not slow, until our lips were brushed together. On the edge of a wave crashing the shore full of the tension.

Then I felt that familiar lurch in my stomach and I felt myself being pulled back and his proximity faded, his breath on my skin faded.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Nineteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

My love life, or lack of, it’s more like a series of flirtationships if I am honest, confuses me.

So yes, I might have mentioned Adrian Ferisle recently, a fair bit. It’s funny, he went from ignoring me to bombarding me for 24 hours and asking me to do some work for him back to ignoring me. Now he seems to just pop up every so often so I don’t forget he is there. You know, just a don’t forget me message or two and then disappears. He did that sort of when we had our fight before we broke up. It’s that behaviour that has sort of left me leaving that chat window alone, so alone that I tucked it away into the archives.

Sad huh? Considering what once was.

With that fading from my attention I have noticed myself falling into some kind of fantasy more often.

But there is one I struggle with, part of me wants to embrace the fantasy, the other part, absolutely petrified of what could happen if it was definitely not possible. Petrified if it was. Jonas. I know I have a crush on him. I don’t need reminding. He is someone I never expected to have more than a shallow relationship with. You know, the client/artistic genius relationship.

Cute, funny, kind but doesn’t have the same sort of picture for his future as I have for mine. Doesn’t make a blind bit of difference does it? Doesn’t change the excitement of the new message notification. Silly huh?

It feels weird, admitting I have feelings for someone, that they make me excited to hear from them without trying.

I read this book recently, and the way that the author described those little moments when you have that intensity that only you are aware of around that person. How the air changes and everything comes alive, that feeling? I’ve read it, I’ve experienced it, but I have never known how to describe it to someone else. How to let someone inside my head in that way. I don’t know how.

Intimacy. Something I am afraid of, admitting to and experiencing. What is more intimate than revealing those moments that made your heart race, the first time you meet someone? The first time you hold hands? That first time you kiss and there are literal fireworks? What could be scarier than letting someone in to these intimate moments? To let them understand a single moment in time from your perspective?

Intimacy, letting someone see inside your head, like this diary, is a portal to the things I am trying to understand about myself, about the world and the universe, about others, about what I am.

Sometimes it can feel incredibly lonely being me. So I come and I write this, like it makes a difference?

I write about events, things that concern me, and my dreams. But here is the hard part, admitting that my dreams have abandoned me a bit. But I don’t think that is the case, I think I am shutting them out. Avoiding them. I have disconnected. Sure it sounds easy, but disconnecting from yourself, disconnecting from your source energy where everything is unlimited is hard. It affects everything day to day. How you associate with the world. All of it. It gets affected and it turns messy. It stops you from receiving what it is that you want. That is exactly why I disconnected. Because even though I know it is not possible, I don’t know what I want. But that’s it, what I want scares me, and because it scares me I resist it. Which is why I am resisting Jonas in a way, I am putting excuses and conflict into my energy. Not just with him, but he is the best example.

The momentum of the energy in the universe, that thing that I mentioned before about the waves. I got scared. I pulled away and now, I honestly don’t know what my energy is.

My name might be Elliot Parker, and I might be a deliberate creator, but right now I am the only thing standing in my way of what I want.

What I want is freedom.

What I want is safety and security.

What I want is to feel alive.

Well that hit the nail on the head didn’t it, I want to feel alive.

Where I am now, is that really conducive to feeling alive? Meh. But maybe it is ok if I stop shutting myself off, to clean up my energy and to just allow. To just follow some kind of intuition. I am ready to change my world; I am ready to stop resisting. I just need to give in.

I give in to the better feeling thoughts.

I give up the battle.

I give in to the alignment.

I am ready to change my world. I am ready to change the world.

I am learning, constantly, I am getting better. I love knowing that this is just the start and there is never an ending. There is no ending, I can never get it done and I can never get it finished and I can never stay stagnant because, and this is the best bit; life and love is unconditional.

My name is Elliot Parker. I AM A DELIBERATE CREATOR. I am giving up the struggle. There is no struggle. There is contrast and clarity. There is no happily ever after. There is only deliberate intent. Being able to choose, being able to control and choose my manifestations with deliberate knowing. I am growing every day…

I am ready to go down the to the pub and have a little cocktail even on my own. Notebook and pen in hand just to have a little date with myself. I am going to do that. Have a date with myself. Fantasy or reality or whatever. I am going to date myself. I am going to enjoy myself. The better I feel, the more I allow.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX