.: Entry One-Hundred and Fifteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I just recently decided it’s time to end the negatively impacting cycle that is my relationship with Clover. Things with her have gone from bad to worse and I just can’t keep letting any shred of happiness be continually tainted. I want to protect and increase my happiness. I shouldn’t have to be fighting to stay happy. I have the motivation I needed all along. I want to live my best life. I want to feel my best and feel free and I want to keep the promise to myself that I can do and be anything I want.

I wrote a list recently, a list of all the things I want, all the things I am ready to achieve and move towards. However, that comes about is up to how I allow it into my life. So here is that list again, my motivation.

I want my own home.

(This will take time, I don’t doubt, but I am ready for it, I know what kind of thing I am wanting and what it will be like.)

I want to get better at my hobbies.

(This is the thing that is the most fun. Slowly I am increasing the me time to put into the things I enjoy doing. I am putting the energy into it again like I did when I first started. The energy that when I first began lead to a little bit of an obsession. Having put the thought and the effort in I am now trying to work out when and where I can squeeze some more time out of my day to think about it or do it or work on it. That is the fun part, making that effort in my day to really focus for a moment on what I am doing and achieving day to day, and sure it isn’t always every day because sometimes I get too tired. But I love that I have developed a little more focus, so in time the being better will come effortlessly, it won’t be so hard anymore.)

I want to lose weight easily and effortlessly.

(Well as you saw in my last post that is already happening, a week in and even with the smallest of nothing tweaks to my habits that is happening. I like that I am even starting to get a little more energy as I get used to the small changes.)

I want to learn to drive.

(Well that might take a few years or a lottery win, but I know one day I will do it.)

I want freedom and to enjoy my abundance.

(Well, I am already, for the first month in a while I have a tiny bit of money left at the end of my pay check, which is unusual. But I know as I go into the next few months, it is likely to get a little bit tighter. But that is ok because I have prepared for it and I am ready to move forward and past it.)

I want to write something that really makes a difference on here (or wherever really I guess? All kinds of things could happen).

(So this one is a bit open to interpretation. But I think, even knowing when to end a toxic friendship counts as making a difference, even if it is only to my life. There is no harm in pursuing what makes me happy, there is no harm in writing how I really feel and then working out how to fix something or feel better about it.

I want to keep enjoying a steady income.

(So far so good, I am working consistently even if I don’t always enjoy work, I enjoy this and that is something. The steady income is enabling me to keep my head above water at the moment.)

I want to enjoy my income.

(Well, as part of my diet motivation I set myself some rewards so that is about to become a thing I get a couple of prizes for my diet achievements… and as added motivation I have found a swimsuit I want. I can just about get in it now, I am going to lose some weight so I actually look good in it when I next try it on… next pay check that suit is mine…)

I want to build up my ability to really just create my life effortlessly.

(Well, I’ve created a few good days at work. I’ve created some fun and freedom and some effortless encounters. Some results here and there. Some good time with Dyl and some lovely dinners.)

I want to wear that beautiful blue dress I got in the sale a few years ago that I have never worn.

(Well, there is a fair bit I need to lose to get there but I will I know it won’t be a long weight either.)

I want a family of my own.

(Now is a bit too soon to be working on that one, but I am happily building a steady foundation with Dyl.)

 

Looking at the list like that and seeing where I already am with that is great. I think that although having this motivation is great, I think it is coming to time where I am just so ready to live it and I can’t wait to be enjoy the reality.

As I walk away from Clover something tells me she won’t even notice or care and that is ok, leaving quietly is better than leaving with a bang. I want the best life for her, but I think right now it is important I live the best life I can for myself. I can’t change her and I don’t want to, it’s not my job. My job is my happiness and making my life positive. I have tried making the friendship I had with her more positive but whatever I tried didn’t work so now it’s time to give up on that and invest in the relationships that are willing to grow in positive ways.

 

So The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

.: Entry One-Hundred and Fourteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, a week on and I have made some progress. I lost a little bit of weight, a few pounds. Seems insignificant in how much I need to loose, but to me that is massive, its good progress. It is me pushing forward to what I want. That little list of goals.

Great right? I am making progress…  Dyl was so happy for me because it made me happy. But when I told Clover, she went 100% negative, not even a well done. It was a “you’re doing it wrong you’re doing everything really long winded.” Literally I am measuring inches from the waist and my weight. Not my fault if you can’t follow simple numbers or more realistically cheer for your friend when she made progress in the right direction and is achieving what she wants. But no, go ahead and try and make everyone feel like shit and play the no-one has life worse than me or better than me competition in your head love. I am happy. All she had to do was say well done. Instead this was the conversation:

Me: I lost a couple pounds and an inch and a half off my waist.

Clover: I’m sorry

Me: For?

Clover: I don’t work how you do so I haven’t got a clue what you’re on about

(Like simple as it is said)

Me: I lost weight and inches.

Clover: I work it out diff to you so that’s how I don’t have a clue

(Ok so this is where you can tell she’s trying to poop on my parade)

Me: I am literally measuring in pounds (lbs) and inches

Clover: But you’re not meant to. Everyone I spoke have said to me why she doing it that way… you not meant to LOL

(LIKE FUCK BITCH HOW AM I MEANT TO FUCKING TRACK MY DAMN PROGRESS)

Me: So how am I meant to measure it then? I am tracking what I want to lose in pounds because that is what my scales works in. I am keeping track of the inches to know the physical change in what I am losing in my figure.

(Literally why did she even be talking to people about me… why the hell am I still friends with someone who keeps trying to make me constantly feel bad about myself and tries to ruin my happy moods when things are going well by trying to make it less than what it is.)

Clover: Everyone has said that is the long winded way and its normally done in stone and pounds to see what you actually weigh.

Me: There’s 14 pounds to a stone. That is what the scales work in, doesn’t matter if it is long winded I am measuring the change. It’s not long winded if you can follow numbers.

 

To be honest, I know I have said it before, but I don’t see why I bother anymore. She only wants to talk to me when she wants something whether that is attention or validation for her shitty attitude and behaviour. The thing is I notice it so much now, I have been with Dyl for almost a year, and she has tried to poop on every bit of my happiness with her behaviour and is always letting down on plans and everything in general. I know I am not perfect but if someone is happy and it harms no one else why not be welcoming with that positive well done, who does it hurt?

That is the thing though, I have seen what healthy relationships are, with Dyl and Hal. Hal has always beent the healthy supportive friend and I wouldn’t change him for the world best friend and an adopted brother type figure. And Dyl, not only is he my other half he has become one of my best friends too. The thing is, with Hal, we both are wanting the healthy best life for each other. We spur each other on, whether it’s our therapy or courses, or our passions. We have supported each other for years and that is the best kind of friendship. With Dyl, he is just such a positive person, we always try to cheer each other up on low days and we cheer each other on when we have successes. We make time for each other and try our best to communicate and be constructive with each other.

Sometimes I admit, I am not the best at communicating, sometimes I struggle with voicing thoughts but that is something we are working on changing. We work together and try to make things better all the time. We try to encourage the happy relaxed atmosphere between us.

I just wish I could have been able to say the same thing about Clover. Whatever situation she complains about she doesn’t really want an answer or help to fix it she just wants to complain about it for the attention. Anything that doesn’t revolve around her or supports her wants for what life she wants you living to be at her convenience is given a negative taint. I suppose to her I should stay overweight and letting her do what she wants and behave how she likes. I should in her eyes keep letting her treat me as nothing. Let her keep bailing on plans.

That is not the life I want to live. I think it is a shame but I suppose I guess breaking up with friends isn’t easy especially if you can’t be bothered to enter some arena for her to make her look like a victim posting stuff everywhere like a spoiled brat. That’s the thing. I want my life to a degree to be private so why is she telling people about me trying to lose weight or whatever. She bails on plans and won’t even let you know in advance its hours later you get some silly excuse. I know I deserve better.

.: Entry One- Hundred and Thirteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I have neglected my health for cosy days in on the sofa eating junk food with Dyl. So yes while I might be happier than I have ever been that does sometimes falter. Sometimes can be quite often, when I look in the mirror and see how much weight I’ve put on, how unhealthy I feel when I just exist.

My waistline has expanded by a few inches and all of what used to be baggy clothing is now tight and I went up a size and now that is getting tight and I just I needed to get a wake-up call. That came when I tried a BMI calculator for the first time in years and it was red. It was reed and it was miserable, according to that, I am obese. It’s so frustrating to think that two years ago, I was skinnier, sure I wasn’t toned and I jiggled but now I am not skinny and I jiggle more than I would like to admit. So here it is.

The thing is they say that you put on weight when you are in a relationship. Sure I did but I did something worse, or at least it feels that way.

I feel like to a degree I have lost myself, I have lost knowing who I am and what I want. My focus had been so altered and sure I have been looking and focusing on all those things that feel good. I ended up in this place of wanting more from something that already felt good and by putting all this pressure on myself to want things to be a certain way I just sort of created all these doubts in my head.

I don’t want to doubt.

I don’t want to worry about things that are going well. It doesn’t work.

I want to be able to relax. So I decided that it was time to pull out this diary and try to talk to myself to make sense of that. So it comes to a point when I need to look at what I wanted before I started a relationship. What was it I was striving for this time last year? I wanted so much and now I am trying to think of what it was and it is so hard to remember. It took a long while. I sat down and let myself think. What do I want now for me, that is only for me ultimately? It was a case of what makes me independently happy. Well, it turns out this is part of it. Writing these makes me happy. It makes me excited to move to the next thing the next idea. Well it took a while to progress. I wanted to know what I really felt made me happy. What brought me to wanting the next phase of wanting.

First of all, I had to remind myself, that this is a universe that is controlled by energy. I reminded myself that I can have anything I want. I can do anything and be anything if I allow it.

So I am going to allow myself into getting healthier and fitter and stronger and I will enjoy it at every step. I am going to bring exciting rewards into my universe.

I had to know what my desires are and it wasn’t hard to realise that I had plenty. I had enough that I could enjoy the idea of and sure winning the lottery is a great idea. But that wasn’t what I was aiming for when it comes to knowing what I want my individual me goals to be big or small.

I want my own home.

I want to get better at my hobbies.

I want to lose weight easily and effortlessly.

I want to learn to drive.

I want freedom and to enjoy my abundance.

I want to write something that really makes a difference on here (or wherever really I guess? All kinds of things could happen).

I want to keep enjoying a steady income.

I want to enjoy my income.

I want to build up my ability to really just create my life effortlessly.

I want to wear that beautiful blue dress I got in the sale a few years ago that I have never worn.

I want a family of my own.

 

Looks like a simple list, it can all fall into place when I am ready to let it happen. Right now I am so very ready to let losing weight happen. I want to enjoy exercising. I want to enjoy eating lots of fruit and vegetables. I want to enjoy eating food that is good for me no matter what it is. I will be easily sustained. Starting to exercise is going to be easy and fun. I am going to enjoy looking forward to exercising. I am going to enjoy feeling hot and sweaty and out of breath. I am going to enjoy the feeling of getting stronger. I am going to enjoy the feeling of feeling healthy. I am going to enjoy the feeling of the weight and the fat just melting away from my body. I am going to enjoy the feeling of my muscles getting stronger and burning more calories. I am going to enjoy the feeling of burning calories with ease. I am looking forward to my fat stores in my tummy to fall away and disappear. I am looking forward to fat stores in what people call “problem areas” falling away effortlessly. It is going to be so much fun and so exciting and so positive to hit my goal weight and waist easily. It’s barely going to take any time at all. I am excited to experience the new body; the stronger, happier, healthier body that I have chosen from my desires. I am so looking forward to this new body that I can’t wait to create it and sculpt it like clay.

.: Entry One-Hundred and Twelve :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I started this for the wrong reasons in the wrong way. I wanted to become this deliberate creator of my world, I didn’t even know who I was. I convinced myself all the time of what I wanted. I tried to be something I wasn’t, happy. I tried to convince myself I was. I tried to convince myself what I was doing was right, that this was the right way even when I knew I was wrong. That’s the thing. It has taken over twenty years to understand my past. It took twenty long years to understand the systematic emotional abuse I was exposed to. Twenty years to break free of the brain washing and manipulation to see reality. Now I am here. In this new position and I don’t know if I understand myself any better.

This whole thing started for the right reasons. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to create my own world. And in a way I did.

Now aside from here, when I look at my life, I look at this world I created, I lost the relationship I had with my mother, though being realistic, I think it was so toxic it has taken until now to really open up and speak honestly about it. The relationship I had with one of my best friends has deteriorated. It’s become distant and I don’t doubt that a large portion of that is how I changed, decisions I have made. I guess I started wanting to protect myself some more. The more effective that I get at making my life healthier and happier the more I have lost my connections to who I was.

Who am I becoming in the process? Where have I disconnected from myself?

I guess it has taken shedding the past, shedding what I used to want, or what I thought I wanted and just enjoying where I have come to be. I found the man who has turned out to be the love of my life. I am slowly becoming financially stable, almost… I am getting there. That is better than I was. I found this path that I want to be on.

All the things I need to be doing I have struggled with finding the motivation and strength that comes with perseverance. I have been intermittent and inconsistent with how I am thinking. Now each morning when I get up, I am setting my alarm earlier than I need to and allowing myself at least half an hour of appreciation. I am making that effort of appreciating the life that I am living. I let myself appreciate my work, waking up, my family, my other half, my future. I let myself get excited about the day, I get myself excited about what I can look forward to in each day. I didn’t think about writing this post this morning, no I just decided to see if I could fit it in to my plans, I got some extra unexpected pleasure in my day by choosing to do this. I am choosing to look at my life, where I am right now and where I want to be and I want to make an agreement with myself of what I will do each day as a minimum. I am changing my minimums for each day in the hope that I get to enjoy the maximum each day.

Sounds like I am giving myself more stress and more pressure each month but that is not the case. At least that is not the case I intend. I am going to carve out an hour each day for me. That is an hour each day to reconnect with myself, because with all the stresses lately, I felt so overwhelmed I started shutting down and pulling back from all areas in my life, I don’t want that to be a trend. I want to start reconnecting with all that I love and that I want to be. I am hoping that starting with an hour a day will begin the unlocking of myself and what I am scared to tackle.

Carving out that hour of me time a day is simple enough in theory right? Well I am possibly running before I can walk, but I want to encourage myself in this process to start eating right, start to be healthier and move around more, I want to push forward into my life. That means recovering from old wounds. As hard as that sounds, weeks from now I want to be able to say that writing this post pushed me so much in the right direction, pushed me so far forward with what I wanted to achieve that I made myself proud.

If I can stumble upon creating the love of my life, the perfect partner for me, then what else can I do?

I just want to see where this future path is taking me. I want to push a little more toward the fun that I have been wanting in my life. Even if that means that I have to lose an hour of doing nothing relaxing for doing something, anything, hopefully this in a way, because I do enjoy this. I do enjoy finding and discovering myself about who I am or who I want to be. In these few words I get to discover what my next steps may be, or even reflecting on the past that shaped me, the mistakes and the triumphs. I spend so much time beating myself up away from here, I forget what I wanted to achieve, I come back and I see the reminders I leave myself. Working on being kinder to myself has been interesting as an exercise. I am losing the inner critic of myself over time, it’s voice is becoming quieter and easier to tell off.

I am so thankful of the progress I made from where I started, the things I thought I needed and wanted, where I am now, it is so much happier. Thank you wonderful universe.

.: Entry One-Hundred and Eleven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, looking back at when I started this experience I feel like a completely new person. I know it sounds like a cliché. But that doesn’t really matter. I’ve grown, I had to, and it is for the best. When I started I think I was trying so hard to be so good at being a deliberate creator when all I had wanted at the time was to be different, to feel differently.

Since then the strange dreams have changed, but that’s ok, they are less clinging to an old life, an old way of being and wanting. I no longer get the dream invasions. That is good though, I am not looking back thinking where did it all go wrong, because I can see where it all went right. I started to believe in myself, I started having some self-worth and strength. I found the courage to finally cut the chords that had me bound to the past and walk away. I have outgrown situations that just seemed to hurt me more than anything.

The biggest change? I am happy, genuinely happy, even when I am heartbroken I am finding happiness. Happiness I deliberately created in the best way. In a way that makes it feel like a happy accident, when it turns out I have what I really wanted all along. And sure I can always deliberately create more stuff. But I am grateful and happy every morning when I wake up with just one thought, and every night before bed. I am back to focusing on all those good moments in my life.

I went from not being able to break a toxic immature cycle with my ex, to finding a new job, to finding the love of my life at the new job. Sure that is over simplified, and I have had some difficult friendships, very difficult friendships, but that is ok.

I think, to a degree Clover and I have grown apart in a big way. It’s not exactly sad, I don’t think that would be the right way to describe it. We aren’t as close as we used to be, I doubt we will be that close again though. And that is ok. I don’t mind. Not really. Life is a lot quieter, a tiny bit less chaotic, and I am glad she got back together with her baby daddy, even if I don’t necessarily think it will work, I think they might get a few years out of it, another kid maybe, something like that. It’s what makes her happy and she deserves to be happy. I guess that separation had to happen, she made her position clear when she was unwilling to support my relationship with Dyl for no good reason other than he wasn’t my ex, no matter how much she tried to bring the ex into conversation and make him relevant it didn’t matter, not really. The ex is the past and Dyl is not only my present but my future. Clover not supporting that was her choice, but I didn’t want to live in the past. I guess it took a long time to realise that.

Clover and I went to dinner a few months ago and she spent the whole time trying to one up whatever was going on in my life, like I could feel her trying so hard to be insistent that her life was better than mine. That’s definitely not an environment I wanted to be in, because even when my life is going wrong, she wants to say hers is worse. Our friendship shouldn’t be a competition, just because I understand that doesn’t mean she did or does. I don’t want someone always trying to be the core of any and all attention. That is ok, it’s her prerogative. I just don’t want to live like that.

So yes, I guess that friendship seems to be on its last legs.

I look back at what has changed and how I have changed and I can see all the ways that it is working out brilliantly. And I am great and happy with being a not always deliberate, deliberate creator.

Because now I am looking to the future. I am deciding what I want to do, how I want to live in this future that I am building.

When I close my eyes and let myself picture the future I think about waking up in the morning, laying in a warm bed and rolling over to find Dyl there beside me. Having extra cuddles before getting up, getting ready and getting organised to do something I love. I can see my vocation and passion being profitable. I can see myself sitting at my desk, re shuffling, looking through my papers and starting work, my fingers hitting keys after keys. Stopping for lunch and going for a short walk. Coming back and having a music lesson, before I settle down at the keys for another hour preparing tomorrows work. Taking a short break before I make a nice tasty dinner for the two of us. Relaxed and ready to watch some tv before bed. A lovely perfect day in the future, where life feels productive and simple. Being able to do that would be a wonderful dream world come true.

Sure one day that image would have to change, because that would be a great short term future, a great near future dream, but one day hopefully there will be the addition of kids to look after. So maybe that dream day schedule will change, but the core of it, being with the man I love, being able to pursue my passions (and it be profitable) and looking after our kids, to me, sounds like the most perfect future. And while I can’t wait for that future, I am in no rush. I know that the future is wide open and all sorts of things can happen, life doesn’t follow plans.