.: Entry One- Hundred and Thirteen :.
My name is Elliot Parker, and I have neglected my health for cosy days in on the sofa eating junk food with Dyl. So yes while I might be happier than I have ever been that does sometimes falter. Sometimes can be quite often, when I look in the mirror and see how much weight I’ve put on, how unhealthy I feel when I just exist.
My waistline has expanded by a few inches and all of what used to be baggy clothing is now tight and I went up a size and now that is getting tight and I just I needed to get a wake-up call. That came when I tried a BMI calculator for the first time in years and it was red. It was reed and it was miserable, according to that, I am obese. It’s so frustrating to think that two years ago, I was skinnier, sure I wasn’t toned and I jiggled but now I am not skinny and I jiggle more than I would like to admit. So here it is.
The thing is they say that you put on weight when you are in a relationship. Sure I did but I did something worse, or at least it feels that way.
I feel like to a degree I have lost myself, I have lost knowing who I am and what I want. My focus had been so altered and sure I have been looking and focusing on all those things that feel good. I ended up in this place of wanting more from something that already felt good and by putting all this pressure on myself to want things to be a certain way I just sort of created all these doubts in my head.
I don’t want to doubt.
I don’t want to worry about things that are going well. It doesn’t work.
I want to be able to relax. So I decided that it was time to pull out this diary and try to talk to myself to make sense of that. So it comes to a point when I need to look at what I wanted before I started a relationship. What was it I was striving for this time last year? I wanted so much and now I am trying to think of what it was and it is so hard to remember. It took a long while. I sat down and let myself think. What do I want now for me, that is only for me ultimately? It was a case of what makes me independently happy. Well, it turns out this is part of it. Writing these makes me happy. It makes me excited to move to the next thing the next idea. Well it took a while to progress. I wanted to know what I really felt made me happy. What brought me to wanting the next phase of wanting.
First of all, I had to remind myself, that this is a universe that is controlled by energy. I reminded myself that I can have anything I want. I can do anything and be anything if I allow it.
So I am going to allow myself into getting healthier and fitter and stronger and I will enjoy it at every step. I am going to bring exciting rewards into my universe.
I had to know what my desires are and it wasn’t hard to realise that I had plenty. I had enough that I could enjoy the idea of and sure winning the lottery is a great idea. But that wasn’t what I was aiming for when it comes to knowing what I want my individual me goals to be big or small.
I want my own home.
I want to get better at my hobbies.
I want to lose weight easily and effortlessly.
I want to learn to drive.
I want freedom and to enjoy my abundance.
I want to write something that really makes a difference on here (or wherever really I guess? All kinds of things could happen).
I want to keep enjoying a steady income.
I want to enjoy my income.
I want to build up my ability to really just create my life effortlessly.
I want to wear that beautiful blue dress I got in the sale a few years ago that I have never worn.
I want a family of my own.
Looks like a simple list, it can all fall into place when I am ready to let it happen. Right now I am so very ready to let losing weight happen. I want to enjoy exercising. I want to enjoy eating lots of fruit and vegetables. I want to enjoy eating food that is good for me no matter what it is. I will be easily sustained. Starting to exercise is going to be easy and fun. I am going to enjoy looking forward to exercising. I am going to enjoy feeling hot and sweaty and out of breath. I am going to enjoy the feeling of getting stronger. I am going to enjoy the feeling of feeling healthy. I am going to enjoy the feeling of the weight and the fat just melting away from my body. I am going to enjoy the feeling of my muscles getting stronger and burning more calories. I am going to enjoy the feeling of burning calories with ease. I am looking forward to my fat stores in my tummy to fall away and disappear. I am looking forward to fat stores in what people call “problem areas” falling away effortlessly. It is going to be so much fun and so exciting and so positive to hit my goal weight and waist easily. It’s barely going to take any time at all. I am excited to experience the new body; the stronger, happier, healthier body that I have chosen from my desires. I am so looking forward to this new body that I can’t wait to create it and sculpt it like clay.
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