Author Update (July 2017)

Hey All!

One last reminder to one change on the site, along the menu bar the Coryburn Girls page that held the secrets pages now lives under the writing exercises… so for all the secrets linked to the Coryburn Girls. Please go to https://arappleby.com/writing-exercises/

The latest binge watch? Well I finished The Good Wife I then watched Jane the Virgin and now I am watching Salem which is freaky in an I cant watch it late at night kind of way.

I have been going over some of the songs previously covered in other lessons and most recently Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen… My fingers hurt! It’s a challenge to say the least.

So I am submitting The Big Project to agents and publishers. I have completed the first round of editing and as a rarity I found I really loved editing this one, and I really hate editing in general so that is good news right?

The disaster diet?I had hoped to at least loose 10 kilos or more before the end of March. Well, lets just say I won’t be writing how to guides.

Of course I still need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂

I am happy that it’s  launched a fair bit of time goes into navigating how the hell to use amazon. If you haven’t already, catch up on the whole of the first part of The Diary of Elliot Parker so that this part makes a tiny bit more sense- no guarantees on much sense of Elliot in this part, a wee bit of a confusion cloud is setting in.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker Thirty-One to Sixty is available now!

Also available if you want a cheeky deal on the collection of the Coryburn girls why not buy the collective ebook or paper back! Here’s that little link you need  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coryburn-Girls-Collection-R-Appleby-ebook/dp/B06Y5Y5KXF/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 its been a long while coming! So I hope you enjoy it…

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

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A Trip Down Memory Lane… The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Two

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Two

This is the diary of Elliot Parker…
A mysterious dreamer and more than that, a deliberate creator who is still learning to master the whole deliberate side of being a deliberate creator… Elliot has strange dreams and dreams with in dreams and her waking life is ever changing but always attempting to find that better feeling thought, that better feeling life. Things get tougher and its time to face some truths.

The link to purchase the full story on amazon…

 

 

A brief message before you read below.

I have been thinking a lot about The Diary of Elliot Parker and while writing it was cathartic, enormously so because it was a fun way to break the writers block. I am well aware that I have perhaps misused the process in the sense of it got me out of a life block too, it became similar to blood letting. Wanting to break free of my own thought patterns was tricky because of many issues, what is written may at times be exaggerated or misinterpreted but that is ok as long as it is understood that this was written for the purpose of entertainment, not all of the views expressed I agree with then or now. Whether or not that is understood is another thing. But I want to make it clear that I do love the characters. I love those that inspired the writing wholeheartedly. I am entirely grateful for the chance and the inspiration to write something that challenges me and makes me want to be better. I am entirely grateful for those in my life who have inspired and encouraged me, I am entirely grateful for this writing to put me in a better mood by bloodletting the things that stung or were difficult and to come to an appreciation for the experience for what it taught me. I want to lead a positive life, this kind of helped me find a path to that positive momentum. Like I said, I don’t always agree with what is in the diary or the drama of it, I understand it can upset people, but I don’t want them to think for one second that that means they are not cared for or loved or that is the truest opinion I hold of them.  I love those that inspired my writing, in whatever story or form. And I want to sort of apologize and more importantly I want to say thank you for being a part of my life and a true inspiration.

The first few chapters of part two as a taster just for you 😉

.: Entry Thirty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel.

I am very aware that I had come to terms with losing one of my best friends to an emotionally abusive parasite. Since that argument, there has been only silence from that corner of my life. That’s not to say there was no missing for the companionship. But the best friends thing, that is sort of a no. I don’t think that there is the trust there for that level of friendship anymore.

I am only discussing this for one reason. Somehow she has orbited my existence again, Clover sent me a message the other day. Asking about going to go and see something, sort of odd. It was a TV psychic’s show. But, well to me that screams the person is a fraud to some degree. I don’t know how I can put my finger on it. When I saw the message in my inbox, I felt surprised for sure. But I don’t think I felt the elation that some people have when someone they cared about makes a reappearance. If I am honest, the first thing I wanted to do was get things off my chest. The social media slams, the inappropriate messages to my ex. I wanted to get it off my chest and into the open that I knew she was dragging my name through the mud. And I wanted her to know, I am well aware that this wasn’t the first occasion.

I got the response I expected. Initial denial. Presented with proof. Reluctant agreement but no apology.

Whatever.

It’s funny. Getting my inner rant, my inner source of rant material exposed was a little cathartic. But I still didn’t feel better about her talking to me. I wanted to feel better, the conversation was becoming a large source of resistance, as had the silence and the ending of the friendship. It was all rather uncomfortable. I took a few minutes, ignoring the conversation window, I decided that more than anything I wanted to feel good. I want to make choices, have experiences and manifestations that make me feel good. And the anger that I still held for Clover was the opposite of feeling good.

Honestly, I talked myself into feeling better by going general with my appreciation. The blue sky. The birds tweeting and flying. Very general good feeling thoughts. I found the blanket of emotion and vibrational energy change, it sort of felt like a turbulent sea calming to a gentle ebb. The flow of opposing energy became quietened.

It was then that I came back to the conversation, maintaining that quiet soft energy. It was there that I declared my intentions. That I don’t want to be pissed off. I don’t want to be in the receiving of the negative energies that had belonged around the situation. More than anything, I want to be happy, and that is exactly what I am going to be. That is my focus. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every thought. I want to be dedicated to feeling that better feeling thought, to raising my energy. I am putting away whatever angst there is around the friendship. With that I want the friendship to be entirely positive, or I should say, focused in a positive and happy place.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I want to be happy. I was going to write “My name is Elliot Parker, and I don’t want to be angry anymore.” But that wording, I knew I could write it better. I want to attract happiness into my life.

So yesterday, well, I got a surprise invitation from Clover, a trip to go and get lunch.

I wasn’t sure about saying yes. I wasn’t sure I was ready. But the olive branch was there. And it would be interesting.

She told me a few things that I already knew thanks to mutual friends… and her ex. Some drama for certain.

Lunch went ok. Eventually my vibration eased from uncertainty and caution to calm. We began to discuss what had been happening since the rift. The excitements and so forth. It was good. I even might have sort of confessed- ish, about my attraction to Jonas.

It was sort of awkward. I suppose that was inevitable. Things have been pretty rough.

But one thing that had interested me. The perception, the way it had been worded, I seem to have been misled by Adrian. He messaged Clover first. He initiated the conversation that I found inappropriate. It makes me curious why.

Mind you his behaviour now is nothing out of the ordinary. He has gone away for work again, as per usual the weeks leading up to it the conversation slowed, so much that it becomes a stagnant puddle with the very occasional ripple. Now he is away, well sometimes I wonder if blood from a stone would be easier.

It was interesting though, I made a flippant comment that maybe I will find “the one” and settle down. She said that I already had. She is still so very sure that Adrian is the one, but he is just acting like an idiot at the moment, and has been for a while I might add. When I made the comment, I had another voice in my head, another face in my thoughts, of course there were giant question marks surrounding them. There was once a time where the only person who would have appeared in my mind’s eye was Adrian. But now? Now I am not so sure. The thing is, I am acknowledging something that I never understood or acknowledged when we were together, I am worthy of being treated with love and respect and kindness. Without question. So perhaps his face didn’t appear because there is never the consistency of the good feeling thoughts in relation to him. It could be that the only reason that the other faint question of another appeared was because they are an up lifter. They make me smile just with their name, feel at ease with hello. That’s the thing isn’t it? We are worthy of the love we deserve but are unwilling to ask for. We are worthy of the one that will make us feel happy, feel at home with. Adrian in the past has made me feel like that. So whatever happens with him is out of my hands.

I relinquish all efforting thought and desire regarding Adrian to the universe.

My name is Elliot Parker. I know that there is an abundance of happiness and joy in my experience.

 

 

.: Entry Thirty Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.

Right now, I don’t know what I am creating. I don’t know what it is that I am wanting in this given moment, other than inspiration.

I am hoping that inspiration will come. I am knowing that inspiration will come, I will know what I want to talk about.

So Clover and I are still talking. It still feels strange. It feels neither satisfying nor comfortably natural anymore. I feel like every message she sends about seeing signs feels like she is forcing it. But I am not sure. It could be that my responsiveness to signs from the universe has faded for a while. Her boy, for lack of a better word, obsession or perhaps you could call it a very concentrated focus, well it is frustrating. I noticed I am much less receptive to hearing about the boys she talks to. It sounds horrible but I just feel less receptive to what I am uncertain about. I said last time that I am giving the situation with Adrian up to the universe. I could feel the struggle and resistance in my vibration with him. Things seemed to be much more under the microscope about Adrian when I talk to Clover because the only thing she is really enthusiastic about discussing is boys. So I can see how the resistance just seemed to multiply. My attention was focused entirely on what was absent, what was bothering me wildly about him. So that is what I was attracting. Not what I wanted, but the absence of it. The same could be said for winning the lottery. But you can appreciate the understanding.

I want to give up the resistance. I want to allow myself the tapping into the magic of the universe. To do that, the easiest way to access that allowing feeling is being appreciative. To appreciate the thing that you are wanting to draw to you. To appreciate generally, the bliss and joy of nature, the small tiny things and appreciating them, like the birds that fly and how they fly. To allow the appreciation to flow freely. To allow the inspiration and guidance to just be, to let that guide you safely to what you want to appreciate now. Doesn’t it just feel good to bask in the appreciation of those little things? Yes.

I want to feel that same feeling good basking joy when I look upon things that perhaps holds a bit of resistance, whether a little or a lot. Clover or Adrian are a great example.

There was a time, a while ago, when I found a way, of quiet and peace and meditative focus where I found myself in a place where I attracted what I desired, I thought perhaps it took a long time, but I didn’t understand what it was that I was doing so when it came, I felt panicked. Because however receptive and inspired I was, I panicked because while I was up to speed with my desire, while I was up to speed with the manifestation, I still held and wasn’t able to see my fear as resistance. It was a momentary fear of not wanting to be hurt again. But I could have had all that I wanted if I had just taken hold of that manifestation, marvelled in it, enjoyed it and made it my own in every way. So now what do I want? Not a second chance for that manifestation to happen the same way so that I recognised it. But to happen again in a way that I know what I am on the cusp of, to know what I am receiving and manifesting. To hold it in a place of pure positive energy and certainty. I didn’t recognise it the first time it came around, the next I will. I didn’t know or understand what it was that I was bringing into my experience. At the time, I didn’t know or understand that I am a deliberate creator. But I am. I can do amazing things.

I know I am now up to speed with the desire, so much so that the blips outside of allowing, where I am resistant, I am honing my desire. I am growing the specific-ness of my desire. I know what I want. I know I am allowing what I want in my life. I give up the struggle and the battle. I give up the deception of control. I give up the resistance. I am allowing and giving in to my alignment. What I am wanting is inevitable, I am worthy, I am happy, I am giving up the struggle. If it is in my highest good and I am in alignment with that it will make itself known to me in a way that it will be entirely unmistakable. It is struggle free. It is understood. It is a happy hello to my own alignment. It is a happy hello to the manifestation.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I know that I am in the receiving mode. I know that I am in the fun and relaxing place, the point of attraction for the receiving mode.

These are the words that have been just out of my grasp for the last few days but I know, I know that these are the words I have been in eager anticipation of. I feel pretty damn good. I feel like the impulse I received last night to just share something with someone because I knew it would be something that they would like, and it got a response, a brief one but a response. That is what I had wanted to manifest for the last couple of days. I know the elements in the universe are joining me co-operatively. The co-operative components of the universe are conspiring to bring about what it is that I am desire. The better that I feel, the more that I allow, and boy am I allowing!

 

 

.: Entry Thirty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

This is my diary. This is my diary that seems to have warped as I have grown. I suspect, that this diary is my own way at times to rampage myself right into that pure positive energy.

There is a brief story I want to share with my diary.

So last week, or was it the week before? Either way, I had a strange impulse to put on a specific piece of jewellery. I just had this call to put the ring on. This ring, has runes on it that the inscription translates to health and happiness. But that is not all, there is a pendant that was pared with this ring. A simple silver pendant with runes. I gave the pendant on the cord string to Adrian last year when I found out that he was going to be working away a lot. A little sort of totem or something. Something to remember me by in a way.

So about half a week or so later (we land this now on Saturday) I lay in bed in the late evening and I felt my grandad there with me, his spirit took my hand. I was feeling pretty damn bloated after an evening out with my friend at a nice buffet. And I have to say it was great. But, I remember saying that I will not be intimate with someone without a relationship. I took a decision in that moment that that was what I wanted. So anyway back to lying in bed bloated with my grandad’s spirit being with me. I asked if I should send a message about the buffet place to Adrian and I just had this answer come to me in that moment. Send the message tomorrow morning when you wake up and you feel good and light and there is no resistance.

The next morning comes and I sent the message, I got a reply. Which surprised me. The reply was like that’s cool, guess what, I’m back. And it just felt like the receptive mode was like just go with it.

So I went out for the day still messaging Adrian, silly conversational stuff, and I felt inspired to dye my hair so I did. It’s a lot less red, quite a dark brown though. So we were chatting and we wanted to meet but timing was unfortunate on the Sunday but the Monday, well apparently that was 100%. That worked for me the day was easy and receptive too. It was a couple of pure days of receptive mode, I got my hair cut on Monday and I felt better. And here’s where it gets a bit messy. So Monday evening we did hang out, it was a fun evening, an intimate evening. There was a silly moment, where I grabbed his bum and said “this is mine”. It was a silly moment, but I just felt the idea in the receptive mode of the sensation. So the silly game of “this is mine” escalated in a simply aligned way. When he asked “is there anything else that is yours?” I just felt inspired to the answer. As he said “you don’t want my brain its broken” I said “your mind… your heart” I just felt inspired to the honesty, to the lack of argument. In response to his comment I felt inspired in my answer because it was honest, “broken toys play together nicely, just need a little imagination.” That is so very true, I felt his resistance when he answered “no they don’t” it was as though no one had ever said to him it is ok to be who you are and be loved for it. “I have enough imagination for the both of us.” That was the best answer I could give that he would receive in the right way. It was simply an aligned evening, I felt a place of pure alignment. He is mine, I know it. I can’t explain the how but I just know it.

So the plan was I would see him Thursday. Well with contracts signed now he has to get ready he’s going to be away for 18 months and he thinks he has too much to do so Thursday is an impossibility. It’s not impossible. I have had inspired day dreamy things during meditation that tells me that Thursday is definitely not an impossibility. I am in the receiving mode, his day will be easy and complete before he realises and Thursday is an incredible possibility.

I feel pretty sure that I am in the receiving mode. Today is Thursday. Between Tuesday morning and today I contended with my resistance but now, I am releasing resistance. I know everything is always working out for me. There is nothing that I need to do right now. Just write in my diary and relax. Today I will allow, today I will meditate and enjoy the things that I do. I have lit a little tea light candle to enjoy the flame of, to just enjoy the peace of watching a candle. That is my secret. I love to watch the flame, it sooths and calms my soul. It is my natural soul cleanser. It feels good to release any and all resistance to be burned up by the candle and diminished.

I had a dream last night, after asking my grandad for assistance, to make the day dreams from meditation real. So anyway in this dream I am in a sort of open space, there is green everywhere and a couple of rows of houses. And there is a pair of magpies on one roof and I feel this bliss of knowing, two magpies, its happiness and in that breath I look to the opposite roof and there is a pair of magpies there and the bliss is just abundant. And it is then that my brain and I begin to argue a little, I said to myself oh there are four magpies, but my brain says no, today there is two pairs, two twos. Not four but two twos it is happiness multiplied by happiness. Accept that whatever direction you look, there is happiness.

Last night in the book that I had begun reading there was a quote, a pair of lines that I just felt complete assimilation with. “You only hear what you are ready to hear.” This is so very true. And I am allowing Adrian into my day.

 

 

Mundaine! Don’t let it be over!

What have I been reading?

Well as you know I have been making my way through the Mortal Intruments series. I’ve not long finished reading City of Heavenly Fire by Cassandra Clare.

Safe to say I enjoyed it.

So a lot got wrapped up into neat little bundles. I didn’t much like Sebastian/Johnathon, but the real Jonathon that should have been, he would have been brilliant, it makes Clary’s dream that much more saddening. He was what she could have had growing up. I don’t know what to make of it, whether he was truly save-able in any sense.

There was the blessing of the foretelling, the plan that they had going on, towards the end, that was great.

Sizzy- Simon and Isabelle, well, it’s true, had Simon not changed and become what he did Isabelle wouldn’t have fallen for him. I am glad they did get it together though.

Maia and Bat! High five!

As for the memory loop hole, that was a little expected, but it was necessary for the ending.

Which was sort of satisfying, more than sort of satisfying. But I don’t know.

Kind of fitting that they found a way around the whole heavenly fire situation but I want to know about what happens to everyone, like Magnus what does he do? Alec? Simon? Izzy? Clary? Jace?

Do Luke and Jocelyn have kids together?

I wanna know these things?

And I want more Shadow hunters on Netflix, they don’t need to alter the books too much.

I like the writing style and the way the character perspectives alter. It’s a different way of doing things, I like it when they overlap. Stylistically it’s nice to see something like that executed well.

I enjoy seeing the way different authors set out the perspective changes.

A Trip Down Memory Lane… The Diary of Elliot Parker Part One

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part One

This is the diary of Elliot Parker…
A mysterious dreamer and more than that, a deliberate creator who is still learning to master the whole deliberate side of being a deliberate creator… Elliot has strange dreams and dreams with in dreams and her waking life is ever changing but always attempting to find that better feeling thought, that better feeling life.

The link to purchase the full story on amazon…

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01MG21QLX

A brief message before you read below.

I have been thinking a lot about The Diary of Elliot Parker and while writing it was cathartic, enormously so because it was a fun way to break the writers block. I am well aware that I have perhaps misused the process in the sense of it got me out of a life block too, it became similar to blood letting. Wanting to break free of my own thought patterns was tricky because of many issues, what is written may at times be exaggerated or misinterpreted but that is ok as long as it is understood that this was written for the purpose of entertainment, not all of the views expressed I agree with then or now. Whether or not that is understood is another thing. But I want to make it clear that I do love the characters. I love those that inspired the writing wholeheartedly. I am entirely grateful for the chance and the inspiration to write something that challenges me and makes me want to be better. I am entirely grateful for those in my life who have inspired and encouraged me, I am entirely grateful for this writing to put me in a better mood by bloodletting the things that stung or were difficult and to come to an appreciation for the experience for what it taught me. I want to lead a positive life, this kind of helped me find a path to that positive momentum. Like I said, I don’t always agree with what is in the diary or the drama of it, I understand it can upset people, but I don’t want them to think for one second that that means they are not cared for or loved or that is the truest opinion I hold of them.  I love those that inspired my writing, in whatever story or form. And I want to sort of apologize and more importantly I want to say thank you for being a part of my life and a true inspiration.

The first few chapters as a taster just for you 😉

.: Entry One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am not your average woman. I like to say I am a quarter of a century old, it feels more fun to me.

I spent my life reading stories, living in other worlds, I never not once thought I would be living a story myself. For me, other worlds, they were an escape. Now they are my living nightmare. I used to read as a child you know. For fun. No kids I knew loved it as much as I did. No kids I knew actually requested veggies to go with their dinners either. But here I am. I ate all those damn veg and I am still five foot two. Don’t believe the lies they tell you that it makes you grow up taller. Just eat the damn veg. Wait! I revise that, eat a balanced diet.

See, there is more to this story than what meets the eye. I have to be careful what I say, I acquired a… gift. And now? Well… now I am trying to learn how to use it.

Like I said before; I spent my life reading stories. Hiding. I spent my whole life in all these other worlds. Somehow I went from a reader to a writer. Now, I create worlds. I guess I always have. But now, I am learning to be careful with what I think, and say, and do.

My name is Elliot Parker. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I want to forget.

But sometimes, just sometimes. I am bloody brilliant.

I tried to lie to myself once. Ok more like a hundred thousand times. I tried to live in denial. But deep down… I always knew. I wasn’t right. I was different. It took a long time to accept that and an even longer time to embrace that.

So I bet you want to know about my gift?

I will get there. I promise.

When I started writing, I started to look at the world. I started to look at people. I noticed things, small things at first. The nuances of a facial expression. Soon I noticed more in a behaviour pattern. But it got worse. I stopped enjoying reading so much, when I noticed I was predicting plot twists and outcomes from the first few chapters. TV? Well, I could ruin a soap plot before it even began to develop. Slowly even that trickled into life. That’s when things got harder to gloss over.

I noticed patterns in those close to me, I predicted the future before it happened, then slowly I tried to experiment to change it. To change the outcome. And it worked. I had started to become a monster. That’s what I am. I know what people want to hear, I know what they want me to say, what they need me to say. “It’s ok”, but it’s not. Not anymore.

I started to change the lives of the people I cared about. Sure they had free will. If you can call it that. I didn’t always know what I was doing. What outcome I really wanted. I’m what you could call self-destructive. I’m not going to lie. Well. Actually, yes, I am. If I know what people want to hear, it means I know what they want. I know what they want from me. They always want too much. It means I know more than I should. It means I pick up on the unseen energy like an instinct and in a split second I can tell a lie, in the other half of that second I have to decide if I want to push for the truth or accept it for what it is. Now? I only let one of two people lie to me. One of them is myself. One of them, I love, unconditionally… That doesn’t mean I will always accept that lie and let it grow. All lies grow.

I keep telling myself I am a good person. When really, there is the greatest capacity with in me to be bad. And oh, how I want to be bad. I want to live without the consequence of guilt or regret. But that doesn’t happen for people like me. When I do bad, I feel it, it haunts me, in my sleep.

I have this dream. As a writer, I always say a character has a life of their own, they have free will, to a degree. The characters in stories, they are real, they have lives, and they write stories and they have dreams too. I couldn’t understand, in this dream I mean. I had been transported to this boarding school, as a teenager. I found myself in a magical world that transformed and inside it, thousands of books would appear crammed inside of bookshelves. That’s when I first realised the power in a character of a story, a world other than this. I saw the thimble from Peter Pan and the tiny clothes from Alice. That’s when I saw Robin’s book. The cover was green and the pages were old. I saw his dream. He wanted to run away with Marian and become a notoriously philanthropic pirate. Who’d have thought it? That room with the books. That’s where I met him. Another one like me. A creator of worlds. A story teller. A writer.

He said his gift was being an impossible thinker. He loved the impossible and finding a way to achieve it. Like me. This room with the books was a secret. Our secret. This place, was his, this was his spirit dream. His name, he said Adrian Kraig. I don’t know how he knew I was different. Just that I was. I still don’t want to believe what I know. I try to fight it every single day. Like I was never meant for this life. For this world sometimes. But what I do know, is I am what could be called a powerful creator.

 

 

.: Entry Two :.

My name? I am Elliot Parker. And today I made a mistake.

I am an idiot. Ok, no I’m not, but I kind of am. You see. I want my friends to be happy, I really do. But I also want to be happy. These two things, they don’t always go together. I wish they did though. So that stupid thing I did. I sort of introduced my friend to someone that I have what you could call a crush on. Clover is a nice girl really, but she does sort of leave a trail of broken hearts and scorned boys behind her.

It was an accident really. I wasn’t careful. I ended up introducing Clover and Stan; and they hit it off. He’s a good guy, a really good, sweet, kind guy. She needs someone decent, someone who isn’t the average douche bag. That’s where the problem came… I have two choices. I tell Stan about her past and what she really is like towards the men in her life; or, I tell her not to fuck up this time and to make a genuine effort with a good guy. I know what I really wanted to do. To tell him about the last few guys to give her attention. But when she is the best of herself, she could be a good match for him. I came too close to putting a knife in to go for what I wanted.

I didn’t do it.

My name is Elliot Parker. And I put her first.

I told her not to fuck up. This was a good guy. And honestly, it’s not the first guy I have wanted that she has set in her sights. The first one, she really fucked him up. He had trust issues before, but now, well, I can’t see him having a relationship for a very long time. A healthy relationship, to be specific, he has even more trust issues it seems. Years ago, he was sweet and kind. A different kind of Stan. But one I liked all the same. But he was what she wanted. I wanted her to be happy, so I walked away, just like I am now.

But to be honest, he’s not the guy to hold my true attention. Sure it smarts a bit, having a card taken off the table. It would smart more if he was the only thing that I wanted.

And other than the odd crush on a fictional character, guys seem to come and go quite a bit. There may just be a handful that have stayed in my life and will stay in my life. None of them are related to me either.

To be honest, I would quite happily retreat back into these other worlds that I love diving into. I could Netflix and chill on my own for a week straight and not give a damn. Though for me, it is more satisfying to read an entire book series in rapid succession, pretty much day and night. Those days, are ecstasy. Nothing like avoiding reality.

Truth be told, I want my safe place. The books and the stories. I am anxious. I really don’t want Clover to hurt Stan, or even vice versa. But now, it is out of my hands. They both deserve to be happy. If that is each other, then well, that’s fine with me.

I’m fine. I’m fine.

I hate that the itch and the urge to be bad is just there, on the tip of my tongue. I hate that it is so very easy for me to do something that I shouldn’t because it would cause a little ripple. But little ripples, they grow. Just like the ones I tell myself over and over again.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am fine. I am a good person.

I want to believe that I am a good person. But the temptation to be bad.

My name is Elliot Parker. No matter what I am, good or … bad, I am magical.

So perhaps I wanted to pair Clover and Stan up. To clear the cards on the table a little?

After all, mixed energy is bad energy. Bad energy grows quickly; the effects are much quicker to see. My indecision for Stan, cleared up quicker with competition, one that I won’t enter, for their happiness and for my own. I don’t want to cause a fight.

I made the mistake of crossing over two areas of my life. Now, I have to tidy up the mess, but I won’t, I mustn’t. They are adults. I can’t look after them all the time. They have to learn for themselves.

She better not fuck up.

Ok. I care about both of their happiness. It’s not like I can put some kind of anti fuck up device on them. I need that device if it existed for myself.

I keep telling myself that their happiness means more than my own. Its basic math. Two people’s happiness is greater than my own. Right? Right? WRONG. Stupid girl. I should be happy too. But they seem to be getting along. Interfering now, that is bad. If I interfere now it is done for no other reason than spite. Spite is bad. I am not bad. I am not bad.

I know Jonas and I joke, but I am not bad. We both know it. As wise as he is though, I can’t help but feel that there is a free spirit constantly surging through him. He is one of those people that I admire. He broke free of the rat race and did something he was passionate about. He does what he loves. His enthusiasm transcends in his work. His enthusiasm is contagious. For me, he is proof that it can be done, proof and wisdom that I can do it to. I can be everything that I want to be and do all that I want to do.

 

 

.: Entry Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I had the dream, again.

It always happens the same, no matter where I am, what I am doing. I can be pulled away without my knowing. At first I didn’t understand.

I appeared in the room, dusty, crumbling, bare. Exposed brick work, floorboards. It looked unassuming, uninviting and downright shabby. Then it happens, the dust of the brick sort of crumbles to the floor. The floor ripples and rumbles and crumbles away. The wood breaks apart. Then they shoot up. Old, antique, battered bookshelves. They pop up from the tears in the floor. And there they are. Volumes and volumes of stories. Some have matching leather bound covers. Others, like this one have yellowed pages and faded covers, bent spines. They are loved.

When this first started, I would open a cover and begin to read the story, when I did that, I got so immersed, literally. I would be pulled into the story and, Robin’s he was the first. I had to climb his ships rigging to go up to the bird’s nest. I HATE HEIGHTS. But I got pulled back out before I completed his little challenge. Turns out I was just simply a stow away in his story. There are worse things to be.

Have you ever been hated by an author or writer? A little tip and guidance, never wrong a writer, we get our revenge in print. I am just as guilty. There are people in my stories I base on people I know or have met. Oh boy do I love hurting those characters.

ANYWAY… moving swiftly on.

My own anxiety slipped into this dream once. I was having lots of problems with work. A boss that I have a particular issue with burst through the door and started to yell at me. I kept telling myself that this is a dream. I can change a dream, surely I can? I know most people can’t but I can because I am me and I am strong. I can do this. I did it. I told her to leave, suddenly my comfortable sleepwear (leggings and a vest top) disintegrated and transformed. I had black jeggings on, a black lace vest top and black crop top underneath so a tiny hint of my tattoo was visible, and my favourite biker jacket. I told her to leave and the look on her face was priceless. She wanted to fight me. My own anxiety and agitation wanted to fight back and cripple me in a dream. I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want it to win. Not again. When she left I noticed that the room was becoming clearer. More in focus.

The print of the title in the books was clearer, a little less soft on the edges. The leather bound books, the ones gilded in gold, the embossing, it became more tangible. The whole of the room had more texture. It had a smell. The air had the smell. That old book smell. There was a painting on the wall. For now, it just looked like the sea. But that was fine. The dream had become more real.

But this was new. I had more control. I was in control. I wanted a good dream, here it was. I had asked for a good dream before I fell asleep. And now, my dream was becoming clearer. I was pushing it forward, pushing the dream to progress to grow more. This change, the bleeding of my real life anxiety into my special place, my happy place this was new. And it had to mean something. Perhaps the intention I had entering my sleeping world was growing. Perhaps the inclination and the strength I have been summoning wasn’t just an “in the dream world” kind of thing. This was an adventure that I was asking for. This was a world that I had control in when I shouldn’t. I was breaking the rules.

That is when the phrase “you are a deliberate creator” began to make sense. I had heard it before. I had been told it before. I had never understood. But here I was in this dream, it had been the same dream for so long that it was a reassuring place, an untouchable safe place for me to just relax and not have to really worry or think. And I had changed it. Something I had never been able to do, I had never been able to turn right instead of left while climbing up the rigging which was something I was curious about, trying more than once if I could do it, just once. But here, I changed something big. I had done something big. I had created the change and then changed it again. I could alter the unalterable. I had done yet another impossible thing. First I had survived in the real world, more than once, something that was meant to but could have destroyed me.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I love to do the impossible.

The dream sort of dissolved while I made sense of it and came back into the waking world. I wanted to cling onto the dream refusing to open my eyes and face the day.

Admittedly, I didn’t get out of bed until the urge to pee was crippling. I kept trying to go back to the dream, but it had slipped through my fingers like sand.

But it was the deciding factor, aside from this dream, I have had nightmares, dreams, whatever they can be called; I have had full blown night terrors about work for so long that I am struggling to remember life without dreaming about work. I am a writer, plagued by dreams about a job that is most certainly not writing. Before this job, I had dreams about my stories, about my characters. Since that job, nothing but terrors of work full of anxiety. It has to stop.

The Mundaine and the Angel

Well what have I been reading now?

I am so sure that you can guess that it is another mortal instruments book, this time it is City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare.

Well damn it sure does play the old heart strings like a harp.

I love the character progression with Simon and Izzy! I so ship Sizzy!!!!!

But I definitely do not like Sebastian/Johnathan at all. Not that that would be a surprise but it does make me wonder, the experimental thing to do with his upbringing. He did have that yearning to a degree of his father’s approval without the disgust that Valentine seemed to bury enough. Or at least I assume it is disgust. But it is horrific. But that yearning for approval and sibling-ness however mixed up it is in his head what sibling is meant to mean, it seems to be a very human thing. Not something you would expect much from the demonic side, the sense of family. Hierarchy- yes, power- yes, yearning for approval- no, that is too much like a weakness.

Which leads me to wonder about the Lilith point. She is his blood mother after all to a degree. So is there the family thing or is it just hierarchy, creation and power that evil creates. The yearning for approval though, that seems very much a sign of weakness that would be easy to manipulate, if Clary could find a way to use that, to bend Sebastian/Johnathan to that, well it might just be a different story.

I kinda liked the whole Simon+Raziel thing.

But Magnus and Alec… Stop being silly and just be together already, we all ship you guys!

Ok that aside. Yes I enjoyed it. It took a bit longer to read. But hopefully the next book will be satisfying.