The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry One-Hundred :.

My name is Elliot Parker, I’ve barely heard from Adrian in a long time, but that is ok I guess, it is time we all move forward. Things have been changing a lot recently.

I finally got the courage to be able to tell Dylan that I love him. So there we were sat cuddling on the sofa on our first official month together, and I managed to say it. “I just want you to know, I love you.” I guess part of me expected to hear something very Adrian like “I won’t ever be able to say that to you” or something like “I don’t feel that way” I don’t know if I even expected an answer. That didn’t happen though. He said “I love you too.” So obviously we kissed, who wouldn’t kiss at a moment like that.

Since then, it feels like I have been living a dream. I haven’t had time to think, I have literally just been living, we have gone on outings, managed to spend every free moment when we can be together, together.

We spent a whole week together and didn’t kill each other. Like in a way it was a great trial run to see if we have a future together and it really does seem very possible. I can’t believe how lucky I am; it just feels blessed.

I know it’s not necessarily that I am lucky, it is probably more that I am a deliberate creator and I wanted a wonderful life and that is exactly what is happening.

Dyl is showing me every day, without trying that he is exactly who I want to be around. He is incredible. I get a message at least once a day that makes me smile. He is unfailingly kind and I couldn’t imagine life without him now.

Sure I resisted the idea of us developing feelings for each other at first. But, I am so glad I caved, I love him. I didn’t think I would or could love anyone else again but here I am. In love with the sweetest man on earth. He is just such a naturally happy person. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

We’ve had quite a few serious talks over the last few weeks, starting with the traditional what can we picture together as a future together type conversation. Slowly it became a case of me asking, I am planning to save up for some things, I want to know, if I can, can we save for some things together to build our future together. What would we like to achieve together, what can we start working on together? That lead to us discussing the goals on the list, our financial realities. Safe to say this deliberate creator is working on becoming less resistant towards the incoming flow of abundance and money. That aside, we agreed on some goals to work on. We are both working on getting things sorted for next year, we want to live together when it is something we can financially feasibly afford. And I am sure that there will be a beneficial change to our income very soon, anything is possible and abundance flows freely towards us.

Right now I have one thing on my mind, seeing Dylan again really soon. I just want to spend a little stolen time together; things have been very crazy recently so getting some time together is always a golden opportunity.

However not all is good in my world. Clover. She is still refusing to be remotely supportive of the relationship between Dylan and myself. Since then, since our arguments and since I have been standing my ground and sticking up for myself a bit more there has been a distinct lack of communication between us. It bites at me simply because if this was the other way around she would expect the same support from me. Dylan isn’t a bad influence; he is a good guy who constantly finds ways to make me smile. He is incredible and she refuses to even meet him, it is one excuse after another.  She doesn’t want to support the happiness from the way it looks. Dylan doesn’t constantly let me down. He and I are working on building a long term future together, I just had hoped I would have had her support. I would have liked for her to want me to be happy and not just say it but to mean it too. However, I think she might just need some time.

Given how long it has taken me to write this who knows, maybe next time I sit down to write “My name is Elliot Parker” she will have stopped being a thorn in the side of a happy life and begun being part of the garden that is blooming… I just hope she isn’t going to be a weed that needs up-rooting. I know that sounds drastic. But, in this life we have to protect our happiness and I don’t want a toxic energy still influencing my future and what I want to manifest. I want my friend back, in the good goofy sense. I want my friend that wants to hang out and mess around and be idiots with. I want my friend that doesn’t have to or want to only talk about boys with. I want my friend that I can discuss the important things with, like me talking to my dad again, things that big that are that huge and important and scary all at once. I want that friend where we help each other with any worries and share in each other’s happiness and try to build each other up. I just hope Clover is up for that step though, I keep trying and meeting a brick wall, so maybe one day I will get through to her, that or I will just walk away eventually. She is that love/hate friend sometimes, she is marmite.

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Author Update (April 2018)

So yes, March felt like a pretty horrific month. It was hard to contend with emotionally and made writing nearly impossible. I have only done very little writing to be honest, so there isn’t much I can celebrate writing wise.

This month I turned a year older! I am now a little bit older and not much wiser! I had the most amazing birthday courtesy of my partner who has been incredibly patient with me after the last few weeks. He is an absolute rock. He took me to see the Phantom of the Opera in London for my birthday it was absolutely amazing, the cast were incredible it was perfect. The entire weekend was perfect. The only hitch in the perfect weekend was that I was very ill at the end of the actual birthday day. To be fair, it was incredible. Never had a birthday so good, so fun and so happy. It’s been wonderful.

So the binge watching on Netflix? Well, to be honest, I haven’t watched much, I haven’t really had much time to myself to sit down and watch something on Netflix other than keeping up with Shadowhunters, Once Upon a Time and Jane the Virgin.

Oh I almost forgot, the surprise for my partner for Easter… I made him an Easter egg hunt to surprise him on the day. He loved it… That was a brilliant day, lasagna for our dinner- he makes a great lasagna.

This month has been a bit chaotic and very expensive, so here is hoping that next month will be a little bit cheaper… A girl can only hope.

Nothing changes here in terms of throwing plugs in for my amazon books on my author page… I haven’t lost my hope just yet.

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA

xxx

Darling Daughters

Chapter Twenty- Five

 

It started subtly at first. After Summer’s birthday, Elizabeth would come home and find one or two of Summer’s school books left on the table. By the end of the week, the table was littered with books and notes. Occasionally she would find herself catching a rare glimpse of Summer buried under her mountain of books. Summer even kept herself buried away through the Easter break defending her hiding away in the mountain of books with the constant reminder of the impending doom known as exam time.

Elizabeth hadn’t minded too much, she remembered all of the days where she was absent from spending time with Summer when she had been buried in books herself. Elizabeth had taken a three-month intensive course recently, this course gave her something that would placate the family, she had finally graduated with the high school diploma.

Elizabeth hadn’t told Summer about her graduation, the only person who knew was the one who signed her up, Caroline. Elizabeth had been so afraid of failing that she never expected to pass. Now she had, she wanted to celebrate.

Caroline had started to give Elizabeth more responsibilities now that the course was over. Elizabeth was being rotated around all the aspects of running the bakery. One thing that Caroline had tested her with, was the secrecy around some orders.

***

Elizabeth had been working on a few orders recently, but today was Summer’s last exam. They had spent breakfast preparing Summer, not that she needed quizzing on her English paper, but it didn’t hurt.

Elizabeth had been working on the to do list Caroline had set her, a few hundred miniature graduation caps and diplomas made from fondant had to be made for all of the cakes, cupcakes and cookies that had been ordered. Continue reading

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety- Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the room around me feels distorted. It is familiar as I begin to try to piece together where I am. It’s the room that changes, the one with the books. Except it is darker than I remember. There is no light. The books appear in and out of focus, but I can feel I am not alone here. There is a prickling sensation at the back of my neck, it no longer feels like the safe soft dream I remembered.

“I haven’t seen you in a while” his voice is just as distorted as the room. I would recognise it anywhere. Adrian. I turn to where his voice had come from but there is no one there.

“It’s been weird, hard to talk to you lately.” I choke on my words knowing how insufficient I sound.

“What do you expect?” He sounds cold for a moment before he speaks again, “you gave up on me.”

“It’s not like that.” I try to defend myself. “Ok, maybe it is, but you didn’t change like you promised. You didn’t exactly fight for me did you?”

“What if I did now? Would it make a difference?” Finally, I see him take his form in the room. The books stay absent now. Its bare shelves and just us in the room.

“Not really. It’s too little too late. How many chances did I give you?”

“Too many.” The silence hangs in the room for a while. “I miss you.”

“You too, you’ve been drinking again.” I say, I my voice feels cold now, almost disapproving.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not even surprised. Clover is still going to bat for you. She refuses to act like it’s a good thing I moved on. I wouldn’t take it as a testament to who you are, it’s selfish on her part.”

“Oh, cos of her obsession?”

“Pretty much. It sucks, it doesn’t change one thing though. You have been such an important part of my life, I just wish there was a way for you to understand just how much you have meant to me.”

“I know how you felt, I just took advantage and expected you to put your life on hold for me, wait around for ever.”

“To have your cake and eat it?” I remember the echo of the words I hear from a memory of Clover’s own words.

“Something like that, I never thought I would lose you.”

“You didn’t, I will always be your friend, but as for anything else, I think our time for that has passed.”

“I know. You are happy though? He makes you happy?”

“Very. Are you happy?”

“Remember what I said? Happiness is over rated. I’ll be fine.”

“Maybe one day we could have this conversation in the real world, I think our friendship isn’t exactly thriving is it?”

“It’s too soon.”

“You are the one who told me that we weren’t ever going to get back together, that we wouldn’t work out, you told me I should date people.”

“I didn’t mean it. I never thought you would actually date someone or move on.”

“You didn’t think it through did you?”

“Nope.” The book shelves begin to disappear, the room is becoming empty, like it is slowly being dismantled.

“The room? Is this the last time we will be here? It looks like it is falling apart.”

“That is because I am. I don’t know if we will ever be here again. But I am sure you can find some other way to entertain yourself in your dreams. You don’t need me anymore.”

I want to walk away, to leave the room but I am rooted to the spot, like I am held by some strange magnet and I can’t leave. “Really? You want to end this by trying to make me defensive? You want to end this dream by trying to start a fight? Come on you are better than that?”

“Am I? I am trying to keep our friendship going in the real world, but it feels like you aren’t interested.”

“You send me memes once every other week, your responses are dry, you never ask how I am doing, you never want to know what I have been up to. But you do like to go on about how much you’ve drunk, how messed up drunk you and your mates got, how you want to move out, how you feel about your job, about you wanting to go on another party holiday and get wrecked again. You aren’t interested in a friendship with me, you just want the emotional support you always got out of me, it feels like you expect more from me now that we are not having sex or hanging out. You’re still wanting me to behave like I did when we were together sometimes and now it is simply not appropriate.”

“Because of your new boyfriend.”

“Exactly why. I am in a relationship and I really care about him.”

“Do you love him?”

“Is that any of your business?”

“Just answer”

“Yes.”

“Like you loved me?”

“It’s different, he makes me feel different.”

“How?”

“He makes me happy, he shows me he cares, he makes an effort to try to make me smile or laugh anytime I don’t feel myself or happy. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. We work together in a way that you and I didn’t. He is a real team mate, when I think about him the world is brighter from the inside, like it’s a radiant kind of feeling.”

“I didn’t make you happy?”

“Not like this. You are very different people, I feel accepted for who I am with him, the good the bad and the hellish. I don’t feel like I have to try to keep being a better version of myself because with him I already feel like I am the best version of myself, and I feel loved for it.”

 

Darling Daughters

Chapter Twenty-Four

 

They rolled out of bed at eleven the next day. An achievement considering, they hadn’t gotten home until the early hours of the morning. The toasts and repetitive chant of “Promitto Memorari” still seemed to echo in their ears. There were many goodbyes to endure before they were allowed to leave. They had a weak night sleep. But Elizabeth had plans.

Elizabeth had been messaging Simon to find out if it was safe to bring Summer to the Diner for breakfast or if the preparations had already begun. Sadly, it was too late to take her to the Diner without her plans being discovered so she made breakfast.

It took a bit of persuasion to get Summer up and dressed. Thankfully Elizabeth found Summer too tired to argue too much. That started to change the more she woke up, the tea and breakfast had perked her up. Elizabeth told her to get her things, they were going to the Diner.

At the door, Elizabeth insisted Summer had to be blindfolded. Summer was reluctant, she felt stupid being pulled along slowly by Elizabeth. Who stopped just after stepping up onto a curb. Elizabeth undid the blindfold.

It took a moment for Summer’s eyes to adjust, the whole town was in the square, it was a huge party. Simon and a few chefs from the Ivy Rose Inn were working on a barbeque. Watching for a moment as Simon began to lose his temper as rubs, marinades and sauces were being pushed on his barbeque as the chefs took over everything he kept getting involved in.

Summer saw the pair of bouncy castles both with a sign dictating “shoes off”. One castle was designated for kids, the other, adults. Sure enough the children were jumping on a bouncy castle sporting primary colours. The grown-ups had purple, red and blue panels on theirs.

The village strangeling, Kingston kept yelling about his champion jumping. Much to Summer’s surprise both Matthew and Stuart were jumping on the castle trying to wind Kingston up by trying to do tricks.

Standing on the grass in front of the castle Thomas was yelling at them for jumping in the wrong way. Everyone continued to ignore Thomas. His face went red, then purpled before he stormed off.

Summer and Elizabeth were enjoying that magic moment. they looked around to find a paddling pool in the town gazebo with the mysterious flying candy overhead (which was a clever use of netting) with children running with butterfly nets trying to catch the candy.

The decorate your own cupcake stand was busy. The magician nearby kept making the cakes disappear. There was a small stage and sound system being set up in another corner. The other side had a movie being projected onto a large sheet.

There was a three legged race and bobbing for candy, but it wasn’t water that they had to contend with, it was jelly, and lots of it.

With the open bar providing the drinks. Summer and Elizabeth took a bottle of water and walked around looking at the silly competitions, games of pass the parcel which was interesting. An adults and child version. Summer would have loved to have swapped the parcels around.

Summer took a moment to realise what Elizabeth had done, again. She threw her arms around Elizabeth, it was perfect.

Summer dragged Elizabeth to the bouncy castle and began to try trick jumps just to annoy Thomas. They only paused to take a break to watch Simon explode from frustration at the barbeque station. He had a yelling fit before storming off to the bouncy castle that was empty. He struggled to climb up and balance for a few minutes finding his feet. He began bouncing like a mad man until his expression broke and fell into fits of laughter.

Elizabeth felt a surge of childish energy and took the opportunity to run at Simon and tackle him. Before long they had broken out into a game of chase on the bouncy castle that infuriated Thomas as it spread through the party.

Even as the sun went down the party continued. Although the children had disappeared and it became exclusively adults who had split into teams occupying corners of the party with buckets full of water balloons at their disposal before a session of karaoke before they began to call it a night and go to bed.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

There have been quite a few, too many to name, mornings in my life where I have woken up in my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. It’s not the first time I have ever had that feeling when I wake up with the horrific realisation that this is definitely not what I had pictured my life would be like. It’s happened a lot probably due to me repressing large chunks of time and playing instant catch up to where I am now. But this morning I woke up, there wasn’t any displeasure in my morning thoughts about where I am in my life, but that is mainly because I am happy.

For a large portion of my life, I feel happy and relaxed. So this time should be filled so much with uncertainty, usually I would be majorly panicking. But since I have spent this time with Dyl that hasn’t happened. I am waiting to see if my contract will be made permanent. I would really like my contract to be made permanent I like working there, I like my colleagues and the friends I am making. But most of all, I like bumping into Dyl at work and occasionally being able to steal a kiss. I know, not very professional. But I do like it there. I like working there, I like the fun and the friendly environment.

So while I got rejected for a job that I didn’t want in a place that I didn’t want to work, that I only applied to as a back-up option, I can’t exactly say I feel bad. Not disappointed, just a bit average about it, I didn’t like the impression I got from them. We didn’t click energy wise and that is ok. I really like where I work now and I want to stay there, we click and get along. That is where I feel happiest. Being somewhere fun and enjoyable, even with the odd bad day, I still like working there, I don’t dread going to work. Sometimes I might feel a bit lazy about the notion and idea of going to work but that is ok.

I really enjoy working in a place where I can be positive. I enjoy working in a place where I feel like for the short time I am working there is an easy job that I get to enjoy. I get to meet new people and develop familiar interactions focused around positivity with regular, frequent people that are around me.

There is more to this good feeling than just where I work, because when I wake up in the morning I can lay there and just smile. I have to admit, that the first thought when I wake up has, for a short while, been Dyl. We have been getting along, we have a lovely steady relationship going. The dating phase passed and we have become “official” and it’s been almost a month and it just feels like yesterday. But more than that, it feels like even though it’s been a short time, its flown by because it has been so enjoyable. It has been a really happy positively focused time.

I have enjoyed spending the time with him, but it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have because we have clicked into place with each other. It just feels right and natural, the old me would have freaked out and wanted to run away more than once by now.

Sure I never intended to develop feelings for Dyl, that was never my plan, but he has repeatedly surprised me. We are stable together, his crazy compliments my crazy.

I think when I interact with him, when I do send him a message I want him to look at it and smile, I want him to feel good, I want him to know that he is appreciated for being himself. I want him to feel good yes, just like I want to feel good but I am not holding myself accountable for his happiness and he is not being held accountable for mine. Though yes he does make me happy, it’s like the super bonus kind of happy. Like the icing on the cake of happy. It makes things better. I don’t want him to feel like I am dependant on him to make me happy, I want him to feel like, yes she is there for me, yes she makes me happy. I want us both to just enjoy this time together, the way that just knowing the other exists makes us happy. I can’t help but smile when I think about him, which can be a little inconvenient… believe me.

I think in all those mornings when I woke up wondering what the hell I was doing with my life I never expected it to lead to here, to now. I feel like the future looks optimistic just by how we like to encourage one another. I damn lucky I think, because we want to be supportive of one another. The future is something we are wanting to co-create together. Sure he doesn’t know about the whole deliberate creation thing, I think that he thinks it as happy coincidences but, luckily he is a very positive person so it just seems to create this positive glow of wonderfulness around him. That or it is the rose tinted glow of love…

Tomorrow I want to wake up and make another list of all the other great things in my life, all of the great things I am experiencing and looking forward to experiencing. I want to make that same list before I go to sleep tonight, a list of all of the things I am grateful for in the day.

I want to keep redefining that “successful” feeling, because I am sure that it is more than just what I can achieve in a day, it could very well be what I feel in a day.

Darling Daughters

Chapter Twenty-Three

 

The girls felt spoiled for certain. They were almost ready at the deadline that Stuart and Matthew had set them. The music had kept them moving at a pace. Elizabeth was nervous and shy at the attention the gown brought her, she looked stunning. As for Summer, she felt giddy and strange, and very grown up.

They sat in silence in the car that had been sent for them, they were awkward and very nervous. Neither knew what to expect. They didn’t know where they were going. It took a while before Summer developed a sense of where they might be headed to.

Arriving at their destination Stuart and Matthew had taken to being their guides to where they were meant to go. Summer and Elizabeth felt it strange, walking around Darling College. Summer hadn’t seen this route before, not on the tour, this hidden area of campus. They had ben lead through what felt like a labyrinth until they arrived in a beautiful courtyard.

Summer hadn’t expected such a beautiful hidden cove in Darling College. Elizabeth and Summer squeezed one another’s hands tightly. As they made their way down the steps they heard the gentle trickle of music that sounded so soft and sweet. The dresses and suits whirled around the room.

Both girls were guided firmly to what could be assumed the centre of the space best described to be a dancefloor.

The stars above shone through the room, like the only light they would need as the light seemed to multiply and shatter from the glass, the glittering dresses and the shining silver. The girls had been introduced to almost everyone in the room. Some guests were close to their age and seemed to find this normal and natural.

All were the friends of their grandfathers, yet all of them were some form of Darling College, some past, present and future members. All congratulating Summer on her birthday who felt increasingly awkward being on parade like this.

***

Having met most of the people in the courtyard and danced too many times. Summer’s grandfather introduced her to a Mr (something) Alexander, she hadn’t heard his first name, or she couldn’t remember it for some reason. So she smiled and prayed she wouldn’t have to use his first name. Summer was told that his son was at Darling this year, away next year and then back to do the rest of his college years. Summer smiled politely barely absorbing this information.

She discovered, with a quick question in her grandfather’s ear when the man’s attention was drawn away that he was called Justice Alexander. She nodded and kept her thoughts to herself, even if she suspected his parents to have a sick sense of humour. Justice introduced his son bringing him into the group, “this is my son, William” Summer’s eyebrows could have hit her hairline for all she knew. “William this is Summer Darling, the birthday girl herself.”

The panic shot over William’s features for a moment as he placed her name and face. The boy who had stumbled into her while he was drunk. Summer smiled and said nothing about it. She kept her responses polite.

Justice urged them both to dance. William took her hand and lead her to the dance floor. “Should I be wearing safety gear and steal toecaps just in case?” She jested, trying not to draw attention to his obvious squirming.

“Should I? I’ve seen your grandfather dance, and if your skills are inherited… well that would be unfortunate.” Summer took the opportunity to slyly step on his toes. “Ouch what was that for?”

“My foot slipped, here was me being nice keeping your indiscretions quiet. Thank heavens you haven’t stumbled yet.”

“Fair enough, thank you, for not saying anything.” Summer nodded and smiled. The tension faded for a moment between them, understanding the need for privacy.

Out of the corner of her eye Elizabeth watched Summer dance with William. Slightly upset that she hadn’t spent much real time with Summer doing something she wanted to do. Elizabeth promised herself that tomorrows plan would be a good opportunity. After all, she had gotten to know Summer well enough to see that goofy side dying to come out, even though everything seemed so serious right now. She just needed to unwind a bit.

 

The 2018 Project

So with March coming and going, given the month I had I don’t think any of these really made any progress at all unless you count 16 and 10. 11 is looking pretty unlikely at the moment, I think a change of rhythm is in order but I do honestly hope to make some real progress soon with most of my goals.

24/7 Goals:

  1. Do Nanowrimo
  2. Write The Diary of Elliot Parker (4)
  3. Draft up book 2 of The Big Project
  4. Re-edit book 1 of The Big Project
  5. Edit book 2 of The Big Project
  6. Learn to drive
  7. See a West End show
  8. Complete at least one of the tattoos
  9. Improve on last year’s site views
  10. Keep learning guitar
  11. Create and keep a manageable writing schedule
  12. Look for/find an agent for The Big Project
  13. Finish the cable knit jumper
  14. Start and finish a cross stitch project
  15. Win the lotto jackpot
  16. Keep growing hair out
  17. Keep doing daily positive aspects
  18. Complete at least one minor savings goal
  19. Have Christmas wrapped up before October 31st
  20. Read around 12 books at least over the year for fun…
  21. Be more time efficient, come up with a better schedule.
  22. Fit into the blue dress again and go somewhere to celebrate it
  23. Begin writing the next big project for the site
  24. Enjoy 2018 as much as possible, be happy at every chance!!!!

Darling Daughters

Chapter Twenty-Two

 

Of course not much changed when Summer and Cassandra went back to school. Though it was a bit easier to get on with her day. Thing’s between them were tentative, it often depended on Jamie and the attention he showed Summer who remained nothing more than polite. Summer would have to occasionally remind Cassandra of her lack of interest which soothed the tensions.

Summer had her focus on making a list of TV shows she wanted to binge watch for her birthday in the hope that Elizabeth had accepted her request of a quiet day. But that was far from Elizabeth’s intentions. However, she wasn’t the only one with intentions for Summer’s birthday. Stuart and Matthew were plotting something. All Summer wanted was to let her eighteenth pass by.

The grandfathers had approached Elizabeth and told her their plans to fly over for Summer’s birthday so they had to keep the day open, and their plan’s secret from Summer. Elizabeth didn’t want to keep this secret from Summer, who told her that evening.

By the time Summer’s birthday arrived the knot in her stomach from the anxiety she had, now sat in her throat. that was until the seven am drum roll on the front door. More annoying than workmen going wild on a road at six am, this knocking refused to stop.

By the time both girls had pulled themselves out of bed to reach the door they both looked unimpressed. Possibly contemplating if it would be considered premeditated if they assaulted the person on the other side of the door.

Elizabeth yanked the door open to find both grandfathers standing in front of them. Elizabeth caught herself, Summer refused to abandon the “if looks could kill” stare as confetti was showered down over her head. Summer turned and trudged into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

The grandfathers looked at the grumpy girls and congratulated Summer on her birthday for the fifth time this morning. They handed both girls a gift bag. At the bottom of the bag filled with tissue paper was a small box, with a business card within. El found the exact same card, for a dress shop. It took Matthew explaining that they had to go to the dress shop and pick two dresses, one needed to be appropriate for this evening. Summer and Elizabeth felt slightly awkward and thanked them before being ordered to go and get ready.

On Summer’s return to the kitchen they were marched by Elizabeth to the Diner for breakfast. When they walked through the door Simon guided them to a table covered in balloons and streamers. Summer couldn’t help but laugh.

They had a nice relaxed breakfast before Matthew and Stuart insisted it was time to go dress shopping. Where they would end up being told that they had to wear the long glittering gowns for this evening, out of the three dresses they would end up receiving, each very different in hemline and style they felt like a whole other version of themselves.

 

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, last time I wrote, I had a boyfriend, a wonderful shiney new relationship. That hasn’t changed, except now, things are different. We have been spending a lot of time together, as much as we can grab to be around each other, whether that means meeting up after work for dinner or sleeping round his home. That all sounds great doesn’t it, and it would be perfect with a bit more support from my friends and family. I’m not saying they disapprove; I am saying that it’s a bit weird. Clover still isn’t very on board. My gran is well, she is a bit difficult about it, very cantankerous… it was a bit of a challenge getting her to meet up with him, she now says she thinks he’s alright but she holds reservations about the entire male population anyway. My dad, well, we recently got back in contact so I think things are weird there anyway, but not as weird as with my mum who I can’t tell about my dad because she will go psycho and start causing troubles. So it’s not like I am going to introduce psycho-mum to Dyl. I like being happy and that is how I want to stay. That simple really. That being said Hal seems supportive of the new relationship. That’s the thing with Hal and I, we genuinely want each other to be happy and like supporting each other as we progress and move forward with our lives.

Speaking of moving forward, Dyl and I miss each other a lot, so we have had a few talks, and there is the possibility that next year, he and I will move in together if finances allow. Which currently has been the thing holding us back. I mean, if we won the lottery tomorrow we would probably find a way or a place to live together as soon as humanly possible. I know it sounds very quick to even consider. But I feel sure about him, and I sure as hell hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I mean, without jumping the gun, I can see a very long term future with him.

I know this sounds harsh, because I am about to do a comparison. When I was with Adrian I felt insecure a lot of the time because I always had the fear of being the “for now” girl and the relationship not being a forever which I think should have been the biggest clue in hindsight that it was a for now situation. I think my insecurity over being “for now” and being told that I wouldn’t ever hear him speak the words “I love you” to me, and according to him, no one ever would, it was a hard way to live in a relationship. That amount of uncertainty isn’t good, and there was uncertainty that began right when we first got together, there was no idea whether there was a future together let alone what that might look like because as far as I knew the only thing he ever really thought about in the future was his work and that should have been a very big clue to where I stood and just how easily replaceable I would be… by his job. Harsh, but true.

With Dyl, it’s not like that at all, I don’t feel insecure and when I need a little reassurance he gives it to me rather than leaving me not knowing where I stand. He tells me what he pictures for us and reminds me that he does without me needing to ask for it, it feels good. I don’t feel like a for now girl, I don’t feel like a stop gap or something to pass the time. I feel like this is a secure and forever future kind of situation which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know where I stand and what the future can hold and I do and it looks like such a wonderful picture. I want to be with him. I didn’t realise what my ideal guy was until I met him and got to know him and saw how we clicked. From my eyes he is the other half of me, not an opposite trying to find a way to work, but instead a partnering and continuation of the same piece of soul and that feels great, it feels great to just know that that is how I feel. I love this certainty.

I mentioned what Adrian said about how he would never say those three words to anyone. Here is a kicker, it’s kind of messed up my ability to say it myself. There has been a bit of a problem on my part, I can’t get those three words out. I feel them, I really feel them with Dyl and I want to say it, it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t get it out. No matter how hard I try. I love Dyl, I do, but I am fighting myself every time I see him because I want to tell him so bad and part of me is getting in the way and its messing me up. I am ready to say it, I am not uncertain in anyway how I feel about Dyl, I just can’t get the damn words out enough to be able to say it to him. it is so hard. I know that sounds stupid right? Why is it hard? Well because I ended up becoming afraid of those words. Like if I say them will it mess things up, will I feel that level rejected all over again even if it wasn’t really a rejection it was just a bit harsh and blunt. I know that feeling will fade, I know I will stop fighting myself because at the end of the day how I feel about Dyl hasn’t changed or lessened, if anything I feel it more and more, and I feel it burning inside of me when we are together, it’s the brightest feeling, the most amazing sensation to just know that you love someone completely from the higher part of yourself in the most whole part of yourself in a way that just feels so very radiant through the best and worst of yourself, if that makes sense. I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to put it into words, I just know I am not afraid to love Dyl. That feels good, to not be afraid to love.