.: Entry Ninety- Nine :.
My name is Elliot Parker and the room around me feels distorted. It is familiar as I begin to try to piece together where I am. It’s the room that changes, the one with the books. Except it is darker than I remember. There is no light. The books appear in and out of focus, but I can feel I am not alone here. There is a prickling sensation at the back of my neck, it no longer feels like the safe soft dream I remembered.
“I haven’t seen you in a while” his voice is just as distorted as the room. I would recognise it anywhere. Adrian. I turn to where his voice had come from but there is no one there.
“It’s been weird, hard to talk to you lately.” I choke on my words knowing how insufficient I sound.
“What do you expect?” He sounds cold for a moment before he speaks again, “you gave up on me.”
“It’s not like that.” I try to defend myself. “Ok, maybe it is, but you didn’t change like you promised. You didn’t exactly fight for me did you?”
“What if I did now? Would it make a difference?” Finally, I see him take his form in the room. The books stay absent now. Its bare shelves and just us in the room.
“Not really. It’s too little too late. How many chances did I give you?”
“Too many.” The silence hangs in the room for a while. “I miss you.”
“You too, you’ve been drinking again.” I say, I my voice feels cold now, almost disapproving.
“I’m not even surprised. Clover is still going to bat for you. She refuses to act like it’s a good thing I moved on. I wouldn’t take it as a testament to who you are, it’s selfish on her part.”
“Oh, cos of her obsession?”
“Pretty much. It sucks, it doesn’t change one thing though. You have been such an important part of my life, I just wish there was a way for you to understand just how much you have meant to me.”
“I know how you felt, I just took advantage and expected you to put your life on hold for me, wait around for ever.”
“To have your cake and eat it?” I remember the echo of the words I hear from a memory of Clover’s own words.
“Something like that, I never thought I would lose you.”
“You didn’t, I will always be your friend, but as for anything else, I think our time for that has passed.”
“I know. You are happy though? He makes you happy?”
“Very. Are you happy?”
“Remember what I said? Happiness is over rated. I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe one day we could have this conversation in the real world, I think our friendship isn’t exactly thriving is it?”
“It’s too soon.”
“You are the one who told me that we weren’t ever going to get back together, that we wouldn’t work out, you told me I should date people.”
“I didn’t mean it. I never thought you would actually date someone or move on.”
“You didn’t think it through did you?”
“Nope.” The book shelves begin to disappear, the room is becoming empty, like it is slowly being dismantled.
“The room? Is this the last time we will be here? It looks like it is falling apart.”
“That is because I am. I don’t know if we will ever be here again. But I am sure you can find some other way to entertain yourself in your dreams. You don’t need me anymore.”
I want to walk away, to leave the room but I am rooted to the spot, like I am held by some strange magnet and I can’t leave. “Really? You want to end this by trying to make me defensive? You want to end this dream by trying to start a fight? Come on you are better than that?”
“Am I? I am trying to keep our friendship going in the real world, but it feels like you aren’t interested.”
“You send me memes once every other week, your responses are dry, you never ask how I am doing, you never want to know what I have been up to. But you do like to go on about how much you’ve drunk, how messed up drunk you and your mates got, how you want to move out, how you feel about your job, about you wanting to go on another party holiday and get wrecked again. You aren’t interested in a friendship with me, you just want the emotional support you always got out of me, it feels like you expect more from me now that we are not having sex or hanging out. You’re still wanting me to behave like I did when we were together sometimes and now it is simply not appropriate.”
“Because of your new boyfriend.”
“Exactly why. I am in a relationship and I really care about him.”
“Do you love him?”
“Is that any of your business?”
“Like you loved me?”
“It’s different, he makes me feel different.”
“He makes me happy, he shows me he cares, he makes an effort to try to make me smile or laugh anytime I don’t feel myself or happy. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. We work together in a way that you and I didn’t. He is a real team mate, when I think about him the world is brighter from the inside, like it’s a radiant kind of feeling.”
“I didn’t make you happy?”
“Not like this. You are very different people, I feel accepted for who I am with him, the good the bad and the hellish. I don’t feel like I have to try to keep being a better version of myself because with him I already feel like I am the best version of myself, and I feel loved for it.”