So, its been a long time since I’ve done this so bear with me please. I’m not feeling my best today.

I don’t really know where to begin, at midnight I could have made this post with ease, but when insomnia strikes my main attempt to try to combat it is to pretend I am already asleep in the hopes that my brain will follow suit.

I did however wake up today knowing that I wanted to talk about brain fog and get it off my chest.

This year I have been diagnosed with a few conditions, one symptom of which is brain fog. It is also one of the most frustrating, embarrassing side effects/symptoms.

Brain fog has left me often very self conscious especially in public settings, to the point where I am anxious about having conversations because it makes me feel incredibly stupid even though I know the words I am grasping for just out of reach might be really easy. There are times I now stutter or trip on words while trying to find the next part of the sentence I was about to say that magically vanished from my brain, that or I might repeat something a few times forgetting that it had already popped out of my mouth or even what we were talking about has wondered off into the fog.

Brain fog is so weird because it hits at different times, different strengths, and is often worsened by increased stress or another health flare up, like right now, I am writing this with a streaming cold just wanting the words to come out, begging them to, and right now, writing seems to be the only consistent way to get this to happen so here we are.

Brain fog in the kitchen, one of the reasons I don’t/won’t cook without someone home or even on the phone to me at the moment (thanks to this not so charming cold that has caused a brain fog flare up). This week has been a challenge with fog and a cold. I know colds always seem to linger a little longer with me, harder to shake, and it makes sense, but its frustrating because I am fed up of being sick the first day the sniffles begin because I hate how unregulated my temperature gets, that and I do not like having a blocked nose, sensory overload much. Sorry I digress. The other day in the kitchen putting a glass away, over shot it and wound up in front of the fridge holding an upside down glass wondering what I was looking for in the fridge. I wasn’t, mission was just glass in the cupboard but I forgot half way carried on walking because I knew I was going to open something so I wound up there. Harmless but what’s new. It does feel a lot like when you walk in a room and can’t remember what you went in there for, but it happens at random a tonne of the time.

Sure it could be harmless in the kitchen, forgetting to put mixed herbs in the bolognaise or the stock cube in the pasta pan (don’t come at me, it’s just we prefer stocky pasta that matches the main part of the meal).

Brain fog means I now don’t trust myself doing things like forms, I filled out a few this week, even a couple of emails that needed to go, but I honestly couldn’t tell if I really comprehended what I was reading or what things were asking of me. Frequently I find that I zone out in the middle of things so here’s hoping no mess ups this week because I am not in the zone at all. I think that’s how this post has wound up so babbly I am chasing words before they fall out my head. It causes so much anxiety not knowing if the form is filled out correctly or even if I really understood it, especially if they disappear and can’t be reviewed again.

The most frustrating part of it though is that I never used to be like this, sure I’ve always been a little scatty and easily distracted but when it flares up, I feel trapped because I can’t catch the words when I want to.

Yesterday I forgot the word for a can of tomatoes. Yes you read that right. I described it as “the tinny things” “tinny doo dahs” “tin something or others” the phrase I had been trying to go for was “since when did the tins of tomatoes change packaging” all that because they changed the colour scheme on the shops own brand tomatoes. This isn’t the first time that I lost such a basic word for a short time, I walked away for a minute regrouped and then could say it but still.

Brain fog is frustrating, thankfully inconsistent, because I couldn’t take it at this level all the time. Sure it varies, good days, bad days, flare ups. But it is a menace.

There are whole conversations that could be had. I could be talking to someone and in a split second its like I some how got rebooted and I have no clue where we are in topic, or mood. It’s embarrassing, not so much with my husband because he’s around me all the time and is used to these hiccups but when it comes to anyone else it’s mortifying because it has nothing to do with if I am interested in the conversation and everything to do with bad timing.

Sometimes I text myself conversation reminders, things that need to be said in serious conversations, or get my husband to send me them to help me not forget things. Notebooks, pads and pens are everywhere at home. A very visible wall calendar and diary are used for appointments and have to be put on as soon as they are made.

In time, I may find myself blogging more and more, just to try to communicate, even if no one reads these. Something tells me I am not the only author out there struggling with issues, especially brain fog. Maybe out there in the universe is a way to work around it.

The strange thing is though, more than ever, one thing I really want for myself, other than winning the lottery, is to get my book series out and published. Maybe that is the first act of true rebellion against the challenges of health and fog. Proving that I can string those words together to get out a story that’s been in my head for years. Proving that I can do something, be something, find those strands of myself again rather than just surviving. I want to thrive, I am ready to.

Hoping this cold sods off soon, and the insomnia. The insomnia however is a lovely gift from EDMR therapy which is challenging at best.

Anywhos. I wont keep you any longer waffling on.

May luck and adventure be on your side.

ARA xxx