“The Moment I Knew It Was Love” this one isn’t perhaps as hard, and it happens quite often, but not perfectly.
It was recently, fairly recently, that I discovered one of those moments, but it was more perfect perhaps then usual.
It was a slightly more adult moment in my life than perhaps I realized a very private moment, but a moment all the same.
So now I must confess, I am damaged, I am what can be called damaged goods, I fear intimacy. To me the biggest struggle I face, daily, is trust. Very few people I trust, my closest friends I trust with my life, my family I do not.
It has taken me some time, some months to learn to trust my boyfriend, actually quite a few and it felt almost too natural which of course meant I had to fight it because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t fight it a bit, live in a little denial for a few days. Well that trust has of course grown with time.
This moment was entirely intimate in the throws of passion. Due to my nature and fear, during such times I struggle to make eye contact because it is far too intimate. But it was different, it was honest, but we weren’t speaking, not out loud. You see this time, in this moment, I felt the complete trust, I could feel every hidden thought of affection I had buried and I held his gaze.
Intimately it was a perfect moment, I let the guard down, broke a few walls and let him in mentally, I wasn’t compartmentalizing or trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I was just being myself in that moment, and so was he.
They say your eyes are the window to the soul, and that is where I sometimes keep my guard, but it is the first place I look when I want to read someone. Sometimes you can just tell everything in a moment by a gaze.
In his eyes that moment, I saw affection and care and respect, everything I had been looking for, and I would like to say that as I write this I am not crying but that would be lying. Because I have my guard down in this moment, remembering the moment I knew I could trust him completely, and though he doesn’t really say it, I know he trusts me, the times when he opens up and tells me something he is struggling with make me the happiest because he is testing his trust in me and I am just there. I tested my trust in him, in my most vulnerable moments and I discovered safety and security, something I have wanted and yearned for, for so long, I found in him in one moment, I felt the rush of love and affection for him that I now struggle to hide.
Sometimes these moments aren’t these movie moments that sweep an audience off their feet, it might not even sweep you off your feet. It s just the seconds in which you are aware, you realize you have stumbled upon a feeling that can be so precious and rare they may happen once, maybe twice in a lifetime.