Author Update (October 2017)

Hiya Everyone!!!

October! SPOOPY!!!

Ok so seriously… What’s happened? Well… I have been to the Harry Potter Studio Tour (I will do a post for you in November to tell you alllllllllll about it)… What else? Well… I will post about that soon to happen thing in November too, because its technically an October event but, not done it yet… so review to come…

What else? Well… I am still wayyyyyy behind on my writing schedule but good news is that there is another project on the horizon for here! So keep your eyes peeled for more new posts. Yup I was wrong, I have a new big project starting soon!!!

Sadly, I won’t be able to do NANOWRIMO this year, but that just means I can put it on the schedule for next years new resolutions I will be making.

This month on Netflix… I watched the Defenders and some of the Big Bang Theory other than that, tv has been lazy half baked viewing.

Guitar has been SO VERY slow, I have been learning Two Worlds Collide by Demi Lovato. I like the song, it’s a challenge to try a new time signature and to try something from like 2008 maybe? I know, old!!!

My sumbissions of The Big Project to agents and publishers has been slow and painful. My time is stretched way too thin at the moment. I hope to change that

My writing/life balance still is far from being well… balanced in any sense of the word!

Of course I still gotta throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂 I likes writing it so of course I will keep reminding you…

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

 

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy? There is plenty up there to get you caught up from the first edition to the current of The Diary of Elliot Parker. Perhaps I might even stick something new on there soon so watch this space!!!

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I feel like I am shedding myself again. I want to be someone else for a while, I want to escape into the whole of me. I want to enjoy the reality of who I am. I want to be ok with feeling the good and bad of myself. I want the bad to feel like nothing. I want the bad in me to be good, I want the good to be great, I want to lose all the resistance, all the things I used to think hold me back. Because at the end of the day I feel like I am out growing myself again.

I just feel like it’s time to embrace myself again, find a way to love myself again. Its wrong wording to say I am tired of waiting but I am sure there is a better phrase. Probably the best wording would be I am ready for my complete allowing, I am ready to enjoy my life. It’s been a while since I wrote here, it been a long old while and so much has changed and so little all at once.  I suppose it is safe to say, I am ready. I am ready for all the most wanted desires to flow easily and freely into my existence right now. I am ready to manifest a million dreams come true. I am ready to feel abundant. I am ready to feel love; I am ready to feel every wonderful thing I have been avoiding feeling for a while. I am ready to just exalt my spirit for a while, let it be present in the ecstasy it was born from. I am ready to just feel the connection with my higher self, the stronger self.

Adrian and I, we are just as distant and complicated and close to what I want. He might be able to get a job closer to me, by a few miles to say the least. But that’s the thing isn’t it, about love. It isn’t destroyed by distance, probably more so from neglect. But even with our on and off radio silence, its ok, I am still living life.

I’ve been thinking recently. Playing a game with myself “who do I love?” It’s not so much a trick as fixing some old habits. See for the last few years my answers would start with Adrian and eventually end in myself. That is what I have been changing I ask myself the question “who do I love?” That is when I say my answer, but my first answers must be conscious, so I am changing it slowly so the answer begins with myself and then I can list the names, it’s taking time. I suppose it can be hard to learn to love yourself after you neglect the only relationship that is with you between birth and death- the relationship with yourself. Well I am fixing that, I am trying to show myself a little love at every chance. I want to live a happy life.

My name is Elliot Parker and I think it’s funny that it has to be a conscious choice to push for and pursue a happy life. Some people do it naturally, some learn it, others never even know that it is an option to just exist in moments where you just feel like something beyond yourself.

Have you ever just had a knowing like typing with your eyes closed because you know where all your keys are. Have you ever just had a knowing that you can tell a misspelling with your eyes closed, it’s a s strange feeling to be able to do something so naturally and as easy as breathing, something you can do without thinking about it, without each movement being a conscious decision. That is exactly what happiness should be. Something that you don’t have to think about, something that you don’t have to make a conscious decision to be. That idea just feels beautiful. Learning to love yourself can be harder, at least at times it feels like it.

There’s that saying, if I remember rightly it sort of goes along the lines of you have to love yourself before you can love someone else truly. But I think it does disservice because you can love others and hate yourself, it just ends with self-sabotage. But that is not all I am thinking. I am getting to that thought on the tip of my tongue, I can love myself and be ok with putting how I feel first, then I can love others. It is a disservice to learn to love yourself so you can learn to love others how they want. I think that learning to love yourself puts you in a position where their love has less of a hold over you. Like, it isn’t meaning less, but it is less prominent, less the be all and end all. It is a truer freedom to be able to survive without others to love and focus on.

That’s a sort of truth I hadn’t considered. It is easier to love someone else than to love yourself. That is how and why we get caught up in loves outside of ourselves. But I am coming to the conclusion that the internalising of love is for the best, for me at least. I think learning to love the good and bad of me will give me the freedom I am yearning for. I always find myself yearning from freedom. Wanting to shed my life, shed some old version of myself, shed some out dated version of who I thought I was, who others assume me to be.

Part of me thinks, that if I love myself it means that I will be shedding the chains that are twisting around me, if I love myself the importance of others love or fascination with me will be meaningless, I will feel endlessly better than holding myself worth in another’s perception of me. I am good enough. I am worthy.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except not here it’s not. Here I am Ellianor Parkrovia.

As of five minutes ago, I am the Queen, and I am furious.

“You lied” the words tumble out of me, before I pull myself back. The disbelief causes a fog buzzing in my ears, I can’t think, not logically, not as a queen. My anger is evident to even a blind man. I am radiating a fiery heat of anger, the room is hotter, not just me, the air around me shimmers from the anger bubbling like the volcano burning my skin. My blood feels thick; it itches in my veins. I know there is no way I could manage a mask with this rage bursting me at the seams. The focus of my anger, a new found intense hatred I know I can’t escape. Our fates are bound and all I want to do is kill him, my husband of fifteen minutes ago.

The guests around the room are a deadly silence, waiting. I can feel hands on me pulling me away from the lifeless forms of my parents. Their touch on my burning skin feels like ice, cutting through the heat creating a new agony. I spring free of them and launch myself at my husband his lies fill the air and I can feel myself choking.

I wake up in a cold sweat. I look at the sleeping figure next to me. The boat rocking gently. I place my hand over his heart and reach into where his dream should be, but it’s a dreamless sleep for him, until now. I slowly pour the dream into him, so he sees every fraction of a second from my eyes. I push every feeling into him. He begins to wriggle under my hand trying to free himself of the dream. It’s not a safe process. I can see the vein in his neck twitching faster. He is drowning in my grief. I pull myself away slowly and let the dream sit and settle and he begins to wake. I lay still next to him, pretending to be asleep.

I feel him looking at me, watching. I turn over so my face is hidden, his fingers fumble in my hair, pulling strands from my face, laying it out behind me.

I feel the pain of the dream beginning to fade, I remind myself what it was, a dream, nothing more.

The fingers rearranging my hair have stopped, for a moment. I take a deep breath, a relaxed at ease feeling takes over as I release the dreams hold over me completely. The moonlight is swaying from the sea. I feel the soft fingers return to my skin, being so gentle that they could barely be there, I remember the island cave. The closeness, the protection, the lie.

His fingers are replaced by his lips, it’s harder to fight the hurt of the lie. His kisses fall behind my ear, at the back of my jaw, down the side of my neck. I can’t help it, the shiver down my spine made me move, I roll back on to my back and open my eyes. I could feel him near me before my eyes adjusted to the newfound darkness, the moon behind a cloud. His face so close to mine that his breath crossed mine for a brief second before his lips were on mine. Is this what guilt looks like?

I stop the kiss. Before weakness over takes me and I start a new one. Its hungrier than I meant it to be. I pull away a little and he follows after me and pulls me back into a kiss that could have lasted forever. If it wasn’t for that nagging inside of me that kept yelling that I can’t trust him. The dream showed me that. The dream.

I back away completely and turn my head. I can hear the frustration in his sigh. My own frustration is torn; I pull him towards me for another kiss. Get some control of yourself. I am fighting myself when I kiss him and when I don’t. I’m fighting myself more than I fight him and no matter what there is no way I can win. Fighting myself is frustrating. I pull away and this time I stand putting distance between us I walk across the cabin, not far, but far enough that we aren’t touching.

“This is ridiculous.” His voice is breathy and frustrated. He isn’t wrong, but letting myself kiss him feels twisted. I hate him and want him all at once. I respect and despise him all at once and I can’t decide what I feel most consistently. His presence is a destructive storm around me, seductive and alluring but ready to decimate whatever I feel. I can’t decide how I feel about him or how I am meant to feel about him. One minute I want him more than anything, the next I want him out of my life for good. More often than not, I want him, the best of him. I want the man I believed, believe in. I want to be near him, to feel that strange buzzing energy in my body that flows from head to toe. The way his lips press on mine, the way his hungry kisses make me forget whatever was on my mind. The way his touch sets my skin on fire at every tiny point of contact. The way I feel safe and on edge all at once when we are alone.

The fog is lifting in the room, for me at least. I sit on the edge of the bed; his fingers graze the small of my back reaching out for me. I sit back and finally lay down next to him. My back to him, I reach behind me and take his hand in mine before getting comfortable again. “The one thing, I hate the most about you, you make me love you.” My voice drowsy as sleep pulls me back under.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. For about two, maybe three weeks after I decided what I wanted there was a bit of radio silence. I got to sit in that knowing of what I wanted, and there were a few tests from the universe. Temptations perhaps is too strong a word, but appealing options maybe a better word. But even with distractions and temptations, what I want hasn’t changed. But how I want it has changed. Before it was wanting something and believing it will happen. Now I am wanting it because I know it will happen. I keep trying to understand this deliberate creation, I keep trying to understand life and the world and my physical body.

It sounds weird doesn’t it, wanting something for the reason that you know it will happen (because you want it). But there are different ways we want things, different reasons. Some because we believe we can’t have them, when we believe that we can’t have it we amplify its absence. Sometimes we want something because we believe it will make us happy, which is often the case, but when we get it we wonder why we aren’t happy and we start wanting something else.

My wanting and knowing statement when I thought about what I wanted was specific. I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

It was specific and it was certain and it was knowing and most importantly I know it will make me makes me endlessly happy because I get to enjoy where I am and where I am going.

So yes there were two to three weeks of barely any talking until we got chatting again, as regular patterns dictate. Adrian and I gravitate towards each other. He has saved my ass in those weeks when we have talked, he was my knight in shining armour. Now we are chatting again, properly. I love the way it feels when we talk, like it is effortless. I suppose to return the balance of his knight in shining armour-ness, (I’m not used to being rescued) I was happy to agree to help Adrian when he asked for a favour. He wants helps with some coursework, like what could be called proof reading. I want to do it, not because I love science, but because I want to help him, not because he can’t do it himself, but because I like being a part of his life. It’s like being included. I suppose I like feeling needed. I like being there for him. Even if I get frustrated sometimes.

So yeah, I am going to enjoy doing something different for a short while, a bit of science.

I am enjoying the small steps and natural conversations I am having while what I want is manifesting perfectly. The universe is conspiring with me, the deliberate creator. I love it. I do feel like things are falling into place so perfectly, like I am becoming who I want to be. I am allowing myself to be confident, enchanting and worthy. I am allowing who I am and how I want to define myself to expand. It’s fun.

I like that life right now feels like it is just at my fingertips. All the good feeling thoughts are coming to me easily. What I desire is coming easily and swiftly and its drawn by teeny tiny choices. I get to choose whether or not I want to enjoy things and I get to decide, yes this is what I want, I get to choose to be happy every second of the day and every second of the day it feels like a rapturous joyousness that calls you to happiness. In moments, that are dull and boring and I just want them to be over I take a moment to realise what I am thinking and I choose my mood. I get to choose how I feel and as soon as I realise I am not feeling happy I decide that I want to feel happy. Once that decision is made I start looking for the thoughts that will make me feel happy. I look for those thoughts and they come sometimes harder sometimes easier than I expect. But they come and they grow and soon I am in that happy place again. I am a perpetual happiness magnet. Did I mention that Adrian makes me happy? Because I am not sure how accurate that is, because I make me happy and he is something I put my attention on and feel good about. So in a way, just the thought of him, the mention of his name or the thought of those beautiful eyes, they can make me feel good from just the observation of their existence. I like being happy, being happy is good and important.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker, according to what is deemed to be reality. But here, I am someone else, here I am the Princess Ellianor Parkrovia. I ran away from an arranged marriage, a tactical alliance on behalf of my parents.

I ran away and jumped on a ship, with the Captain’s consent I became the stowaway girl. His power challenged mine, but he helped me to run away. Our ship was under chase, so we abandoned it and landed on an island. The Captain maintained his power, no matter my resistance. We were under chase and discovered tunnels in a cave. We used the tunnels, and a little magic to escape the tunnels and take a ship. The ship left and we took to the sea again. That’s where the truth was discovered. The Captain, is not exactly a captain, but he is the Prince that my parents had arranged for me to marry. He kept me on the ship even when we reached the docks of my home. Prince Adrian Ferislekraig is a dick. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes resisting him seems futile. When you are drawn to someone like that, I don’t think the freedom of choice really exists.

If I want to make it to land I have to co-operate. If I want to escape, I have to be clever. If I want to run, I need to run far and fast. I know that this is what I want to do. But what I want to do, what I must do, is very different. What I must do is for everyone else, my parents and my people.

“Sit” I command. Glaring at the man who made me believe he was nothing more than the Captain of the ship, at least as the Captain I didn’t hold him in contempt. Part of me, a huge part of me wishes he was nothing more than the Captain and that the feelings I had developed for him wouldn’t have caused this conflict. He sits down and looks at me.

“This hostility won’t work well in our marriage.” He smiles, I hate the charming energy he exudes. The way his smile makes his cheeks dimple winds me up now. Everything he does winds me up now. Finally, he sits on the edge of the bed.

“This won’t work.” I say.

“What won’t?” He pulls at the threats on the top sheet.

“Telling me what to do, telling me who I should be.”

“I think it will.” Refusing to take me seriously is getting on my last nerve right now. “At what point did you win any of your power challenges?” I glare at him. “You have too much to lose little Princess. You care too much and I care too little.”

“You care. You want an easy marriage.”

“Correction. I want you. Your compliance and co-operation in the marriage is a bonus.” He smiles, but this time, he reaches out his hand and takes me by my wrist. He tugs, and pulls me forward so that I collide with him with the rocking of the ship. I bang my shins on the edge of the bed. I pull away and move to sit on the bed so I can rub my shins, he apologises and tries to rub where I am. I had never noticed before that hurting your shins radiates down the bone from knee to ankle. I swore out loud. He looks at me, brown eyes soft. He isn’t wearing a mask, not with me anyway. I could have sworn, for a moment, with all the pretence of power being irrelevant, I saw something close to fear flash over his features.

“Correction, you don’t actually want to hurt me, do you?” I watch his features change while he tries to respond. Maybe if he doesn’t want to hurt me he won’t maybe he would prevent it. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t want to make an enemy of me.

Instead of answering me he stops rubbing my shins and looks me in the eyes. We are locked in this gaze and I just wish I knew what he was thinking, really deep down. I feel like I should know, that I could know, but I am uncertain. Is that uncertainty stemming from him, or from me? He tucks a lock of hair that had fallen away, his fingers brush my ear, falling softly down the side of my neck. The brush of his fingers sends sparks throughout my body. I feel warmer, reminiscent. I can’t stop the twitch of a smile that grows from the corners of my mouth, they are acting of their own accord. Sometimes just sometimes, I see this softer, gentler side of him. When he isn’t focused on what he wants in a practical, logical way, there is this softness and warmth about him. When he behaves in a way that has no ulterior motive. When he behaves in a soft and caring way, when he is wholey present in a moment, I can see how I fell for him. I can see why, and for a moment I don’t feel angry with myself for feeling responsive to my addiction to him, to his proximity and his care. To feeling that quiet peace from my core that still hums with anticipation and wanting. Feeling wholey his for that time when I can see this gentle side without a selfish motive. To see that genuine, generosity with how he feels. I know he cares in that moment. I know he cares. But in mere seconds his demeanour will change. He will return to his logic and reason and mission and this moment will fade to a memory.

That is how I know, by some magic I have fallen in love with memories and a memory of glimpses of all that I wanted being just within reach. I turn away from him. I hear him sigh and stand up. He walks from the room and I am alone, again.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker I am a deliberate creator and I created just what I needed… I had been thinking that I needed to find a nice little part time job, a few hours a week, something easy and consistent. A while later when I gave up my resistance to it there was a notice board with tantalising details out the front, “Part time, temporary”… and I was sold. So I applied. A few days later I get a phone call asking me for an interview, a week later. I was nervous. Like really nervous…

So skip forward to the interview. I am dressed smart, feeling self-conscious, I get there a little bit early, still nervous, I get sat in the canteen and wait.  A few minutes later the man interviewing me arrives. Holds out his hand which I shake and he has the bluest eyes… ever! Ok maybe not ever but you can see them from a distance. So we go to the interview room, I sit down as asked. The questions start slowly, I am nervous, and I am sure it shows. I play with the button on my blouse sleeve trying to sound reasonably competent. I slowly become more aware of my body language playing with the button and stop. I minimise my allowed nervous fidget to my hands holding one another trying to maintain some kind of composure. Trying to think of something sensible and clever something other than “oh my, oh my… those blue eyes…” He had really blue eyes. Insanely blue. So anyway I manage to pre-empt a few answers and give some great textbook perfect answers. I slowly begin to feel a bit more confident. By the end of it I walk out that interview feeling like I did a good job. I was told all about the process of the application and induction progress and it was great. I said good bye at the end of it and walked out of there feeling good and lucky.

So a few days later, I wondered if I would get the call. So anyway, a few more days later and I had spent a while trying to focus on other things and if I do think about the job think of it in a positive way. So anyway, I went to a café and I found myself eating a lovely brownie, its important. The last few brownies I have had at café’s have been mediocre, this brownie was brilliant, gorgeous even. So there I was feeling good listening to a meditation eating this great chocolate brownie and the thought occurred to me “I wonder when I will get the call that I got the job.”

Ten or so minutes later I got the call. I got the job. The shifts are on days that work for me. It just seems to have really fallen into place. I am definitely not disappointed. I’m nervous but not disappointed. It seems that it was a very receptive day. I mean, after I got the call I thought that I might like to see the guy who interviewed me in passing, I did.  I wanted to see Adrian too. Well I saw Adrian after all. Even after Clover interfered. A miracle I know considering the last two times he bailed. This time I wanted to see him more than my resistance was strong.

I mean even though hanging out was cut short, I ended up a bit miffed, but its ok. I sort of had to stop myself from being grumpy about the abandonment because that is my issue and not completely his fault. His friend needed him, I was mad because my nose was out of joint, I wanted to spend time with him in that bubble where the world outside, where problems and life doesn’t matter, good or bad. I needed reminding that he tried his best, I needed reminding that he is still learning and he will get it right in time. He cares, if he didn’t I wouldn’t have seen him to celebrate. He set out that evening with good intentions.

I had gotten caught up in that weird thought, he wouldn’t ask me to marry him etc. I guess I realised that I want a home and a family with him. I guess I decided what I want, what I want to bring about into my life, so I suppose I can squeeze it on here. What do I want in relation to Adrian? A million dollar question?

I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker; it has taken me a while to start to wake up. I am wondering whether it is possible that Clover is a narcissist, at first I wondered if it was co-dependency. There is a reason I thought it was co-dependency, because she defines her life by which boy is giving her what she wants. Sometimes it seems like she will pin her whole existence, her life and self-worth on a boy and the attention he pays her. But I noticed something else, they stop paying her that attention and to her it’s the cause of meltdowns and she will say she has lost all confidence and so on thanks to that boy walking away. That looks co-dependent at first. That is what I thought at first. But then I noticed the constant victim status she wants to wear. I think I misunderstood what co-dependency was for quite a few years.

Clover is often very unwilling to see perspective other than her own and will almost never admit to being wrong. Pair that with the stream of boys she will flirt with and garner attention from for them or herself even to disappear, often with the flirtation failing to grow into anything. Everything in her life exists in its relationship to her, for example when the boy decided to change his number after breaking his phone? That was automatically made about her and how she doesn’t feel good about it, not in the potential good for the boy or that it might be something he needs or has to do. The need to publicly humiliate those she deems have wronged her through social media, whether that’s me for telling it straight as it is or not putting up with her behaviour when I finally have had enough, or it’s her baby daddy for whatever reason that is so very out of proportion. Everything is about her, no one can do or say anything right. I’m not saying she has no good qualities. But I am concerned that she might be on the spectrum of narcissism.

It has taken a while to suspect this but it could explain the cycles of friendship we have gone through. Honestly though? I find it tiring sometimes. She will delay setting a time for plans with her “forgetting” to ask about the times then on the day change the time because she has decided to make a second set of plans right after the plans she made with you. I know I am not the only one annoyed with the way she uses you. The baby daddy has spoken with me a few times about her behaviour, about her cheating on him when they were together. What she didn’t tell me.

Sometimes, being friends with her can be like walking barefoot on the beach, be careful of shells.

It took researching both co-dependency and narcissism to work out what one she probably was. But I noticed my own answers to some of those pages explaining co-dependency, I found resonance in quite a few things they were saying were co-dependent traits. I might have a degree of co-dependency and I can accept that. But I don’t really want to keep being co-dependent, it seems the changes I have been making the last few months and years about pursuing a happy healthy life has also been shredding and releasing myself from the chains so to speak, of co-dependency. Less of my decisions about my life are about what makes other people happy. Yes, I make certain compromises for a quiet life, I can’t fight every battle that comes my way.

Trying to stop people pleasing is hard. For anyone. There has to be a conversation with yourself where you decide what your boundaries are, what you want them to be. Once you decide your boundaries though, that is when things get trickier. A lot of it is deciding who you want to be and who you are. Then you raise your self-esteem and confidence, you need to be ok with saying no. So you need to find alignment with who you are. It all comes down to that doesn’t it? Choosing who you want to be and then just being that person, or trying to be that person every day. Some days that is harder than others. Sometimes you will overstep those boundaries and cave to the pressure to make someone else happy, as is often the case with Clover.

See there was a reason behind the entry… exploring the mechanisms that make Clover and I friends, sure she will go to bat for me and I for her. The hard part for me is when I then blur the boundaries. When the backlash for not blurring the lines hits it makes it hard. Especially when the behaviour pattern doesn’t change. It can be exhausting making excuses for her. Constantly being on your phone in company is annoying, like most recently, at dinner with a mutual friend. She spent so much time on her phone, checking her messages and it was jarring. The mutual friend not once took his phone out around the table, only time mine was out during the cutting of the bill to use the calculator. Turns out her baby daddy keeps telling her off about the phone, a tonne. I mean they fight over it, and I get it, it’s a safety risk to the kiddie.

Sometimes it can be hard, to have a conversation when the other person is on their phone a tonne, or the only thing she wants to talk about is boys. I want to be able to talk about things that aren’t boy related or for boy’s benefits. Like you can go on a diet to feel sexy for yourself. You can do exercise to improve your way of life. You can do so many things for yourself without the need to garner fuss for it. I want to be even more secure in myself that I don’t even need to consider the response of others. I am doing it slowly; it takes time but I am getting there. One step at a time huh?

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Recently, I’ve not really felt like myself, I feel like I have been walking around in this meat suit but not really present in any sense. Strange right? I suppose there are worse things to feel. I just feel so at odds with myself, like I am there, I am real and alive, but I don’t feel anything about it. I can see my manifesting and then I am here like, ok so what now? I get like this every so often. I guess I still want to shut myself off from the world at the moment, get my own self a stronger sense of self. Get away from people.

But something happened, before it was just a sort of lazy taking a back seat and a break type thing. Then crazy drama happened that brought me from an energy of eager anticipation and excitement, then that penny dropped. Some energy that had been going on in the background hit, something I didn’t know I produced an energy for and well, when it happened… it was painful. I kept trying to claw myself away from old habits, I kept trying to push forward to that better feeling thought. Every second of the day. When it comes down to it I think the energy I radiated was, I have changed, I want people to see that I have changed and I have a new happy healthy energy going for me. So that’s what the universe gave me a chance to sure up and prove to myself that I have changed. And I know, I know, the past means nothing. I got that chance and more than anything I proved to myself that I have changed. I didn’t enter into a toxic, angry, petty attempt to engage my attention and to engage me in a fight that would have been manipulated. I rose the hell above it. Sure I had some kind of response. It put me in a mood that didn’t serve me, but even then I kept reminding myself reach for that better feeling thought. It kept me out of the water that would be easy to drown in.

It’s great that I have changed and I keep seeing evidence of my progress and my dedication towards my health and happiness. It doesn’t always come naturally. But that attempt at provocation didn’t work how the person had intended. I didn’t even think what was the healthy option, I didn’t enter it, I just blocked them. I can’t help but feel proud of myself. It wasn’t even a conscious effort on the forefront. I can’t help but feel proud of myself, it feels good.

So like I said, I remind myself that the past doesn’t matter. I remind myself that what is doesn’t even matter. I remind myself that reality isn’t important. What is doesn’t matter, it is constantly changing and I get to choose how it changes. I get to be happy… I get to choose to be happy, every time. I get to decide what I want. I get to decide who I want to be.

While it is great, while my progress and my health and happiness is growing stronger in leaps and bounds, there is something that I haven’t yet learned to stop looking at the what-is-ness of. We all know what I am going to say right? Clover. I can’t help but look at her and see her holding herself in a place that hurts her all the damn time. Recently, whenever she calls she would chat then someone would turn up then she starts talking to them, full blown conversations, while I am waiting on the phone. Not cool. When I needed to talk to her after that incident where someone tried to provoke a reaction she was about as supportive as using a piece of paper as a bra. She didn’t answer a call; sure I shouldn’t get mad should I? Except the issue was it was my incident I would have wanted to talk about, not about her boy situation. She doesn’t want to talk about anything but boys.

Clover’s latest boy that has her attention, the one that still isn’t talking to her I might add. Although, he did briefly for a couple of hours before returning to his stance that he couldn’t be friends with her. Well of course that caused meltdowns. Then she got all in a fluster because he broke his phone and intended to change his number. I badly want to scream at her that there is more to life than some boy who has never been your boyfriend/in a relationship with you that you were only speaking to for a few months or so, there is more to life than them. I know I could be called a hypocrite because of Adrian, difference is we were in a relationship, we are still really good friends, we still spend time together, there is still very strong chemistry. The way she acts about the boy changing his phone number, seriously a meltdown wasn’t necessary. He is changing his number, so what? He is doing it for himself, it has nothing at all to do with her, her response to his changing the number was the start of a meltdown. Again. When I didn’t respond in the way she wanted she basically tried to cut the conversation down. My response was that she was perpetuating that energy, I won’t be able to say anything right until she finds a way to feel better about it. The boy wanted a new number, maybe it will bring him what he needs and wants, it could be a good opportunity for him.

But of course when I don’t respond to her in a way that she wants, I am the villain. When my words don’t sound like me agreeing that the world revolves around her… well… I don’t want to constantly be exposed to the negative vibes.

This week I asked her to do one thing, to work out what time we are all meeting for a dinner out for a special event. She “kept forgetting to find out” I got annoyed. I told her that I had asked all week and if she didn’t want to come she should just say. I got back a mini paragraph that I am unreasonable. That she keeps forgetting. Like it is one simple thing that she could even sodding text to find out about. But yet I have to hear hours about the freaking boy who won’t talk to her, constant texts about the boy all day every day, barely having 5 minutes at one time about something other than her or that boy, I am getting annoyed about it and I am close to muting her for a long old while.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the dream didn’t end there.

So I was totally not in the mood for Adrian’s drunk tantrum. “Well apparently your friend fancies you.”

“Like that even matters. What is the real problem?” I’m getting really annoyed.

“Nothing” He mumbled.

“Look you are the one who said that you don’t want a relationship that we will never work etc. For the record, Sawyer is a friend. If you are so bothered maybe next time I invite you to go do something cos I got you a ticket so you had the opportunity you won’t flat out reject the chance again.” I’m not wrong.

“What so your gonna punish me for it?” Don’t tempt me.

“What? None of this is about you. Sawyer likes the theatre, he took your ticket up and hung out with us. You are only yelling and complaining at me cos Clover called you out on it and you don’t like it. You chose to go out with your friends and get drunk in the pub, how you normally do. We chose to go out and have a great evening.”

“I don’t want to get into this right now.” Running away again?

“Nothing new there. That makes two of us. You are the one who called up yelling.”

“Yeah sorry.” He grumbled. I rarely get a sincere genuine apology, if I ever get one. “You looked like you were having a fun evening, get back to it.” Are you kidding me? Like seriously?

“You too, enjoy your evening.” Dickhead. Not even in a relationship. Insisted on being friends, what does he think? He is the only person on this planet who will be attracted to me and I should be freaking grateful he’s willing to throw the occasional bone my way so to speak. I can’t believe how mad I have gotten.

I walk back in the room and slump onto the sofa. Clover hands me my drink and I take a sip. “Who was that?” She asked like butter wouldn’t melt.

“So you texted Adrian. Thanks, I got yelled at for having fun.” I snap. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sawyer go off to the bathroom and I quickly give Clover the cliff notes. When I am done I asked her why she did it. at first she shrugged.

“I thought he should have come, he keeps messing things up with you and Sawyer seems to like you and I could just see him missing his chance with you and thought that he should know and try fighting for you.”

“Well he didn’t. He yelled at me and acted like a spoiled brat because someone else is playing with his toy.” I stood up and walked over to the kitchen and pulled out some fruit juice from the fridge. Not wanting the booze in my glass I tip it down the sink and rinse it out before pouring some apple and mango out.

I made Clover a drink, with a bit more alcohol than I would usually pour, topped it up with a mixer and handed it over. Sawyer coughed getting my attention “trying to get her drunk?”

“Maybe, kinda hoping she will either go home or go to bed soon.”

“Why?” Sawyer asked tasting my glass “no alcohol in here?”

“Yup. To be honest, I kinda want to hang out with you a bit and chat without feeling like I’m being watched.” He smiled at me and poured himself a glass of juice.

“Same.” He whispered in my ear before he took Clover’s drink into the other room and handed it to her. I passed Hal his and he told me that he had called his ride to go home. I can’t blame him it had been a long day and Clover was a bit tipsy. “Is there any chance you could take Clover back with you? I think she would probably find it easier to wake up in her own bed tomorrow with a raging hang over.” I joked a little.

A few minutes before Hal had to go Sawyer piped up “I’ll help you clear up and then get an uber home if that’s ok?” a little taken aback I nodded. Hal took Clover home.

Sawyer was true to his word, he helped take the glasses into the kitchen and neatened things up a bit. “Still getting the uber or did you wanna crash on the spare bed?” I asked, sort of innocently.

“Is it ok if I crash here?”

“Rather you than her… do you want a cuppa?” I offer and he puts the kettle on. We make the tea together and go and sit on the sofa together. It was pleasant. We chatted. It was nice. He gently took my hand in his and it just felt relaxed, soothing almost as he rubbed circles in my palm with his thumb. It really had been a long day and fighting the urge to doze was hard. After a while I showed him to the spare room.

“Before I say goodnight,” he started, still holding my hand in his. I felt him inch a little closer and gently leant into me. His lips were soft on mine. It would have been easy to keep kissing in that moment and not stop. It was tempting. Very tempting. Instead I took a half step back. He didn’t look offended, instead he smiled at me and said, “I’ll go at your pace. To be honest, a one-night stand wasn’t what I had in mind.”

“What did you have in mind?” I couldn’t resist asking, even if my voice was quiet.

“I’d like to date you, really get to know you. I’m interested in finding out if there is anything real there between us. It’s up to you.”

“I’d like that too.” I can’t help but smile. I pulled him in for another quick kiss, just briefly, not wanting to risk the temptation before I said goodnight and he went into the spare room and I disappeared off into my own bedroom.

That’s where that dream ended. So realistic, that I could have sworn it had happened if it wasn’t for the difference in the day and time. It’s given me a lot to think about.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The 2017 Project

Let’s get caught up…

I am still writing 3 positive things I like about my day each day. Sometimes challenging, life isn’t always smooth sailing. I have had some days where the list is a little longer than three highlights, but that is a great thing.

However I am occasionally apologizing for myself, it’s hard to unlearn but I am getting there.

So the 24-7 goals update? Nothing new as far as I can think… Sadly.

Now the current in progress goals are well,  8, 10, 12, 14, 17, 22 as well as the ones that take time and progress to achieve for the moment and a little bit of a wait. I think I might have to do the project every year it feels more focused and fun all at once. I think I will definitely do this again next year! I love it, I don’t feel too much pressure of a New Years resolution and I am still doing it and kept it up so I love it!

The 24-7 goals:

1- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 2

2- Do NANOWRIMO

3- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 3?

4- Write the first book of the big project

5- Finish spine tattoo

6- Finish magpie tattoo

7- Finish musical rib tattoo

8- Look for an agent/publisher for the “big” project

9- Learn to drive

10- Learn guitar

11- Finish knitting the cable knit jumper

12- Finish knitting the blankets

13- Improve views on here

14- See a west end show

15- Try and succeed at least three times on the 21 day habit swap

16- Win the lotto jackpot

17- Look for the positives more often

18- Meditate regularly

19- Keep making emotional progress

20- Keep hope and loose more doubt

21- Make posts for here in advanced, consider adding pictures, try to avoid leaving it to the last minute

22- Try to grow my hair long- aim for below the shoulder this year.

23- Become even more open-minded

24- Discover my own special brand of writers magic,

Habit swapping:

Break- Stop apologizing for myself so often. I do it a lot, it is something that really bothers me, mainly because I apologise for things that are completely not my fault and nothing to do with me. I am sick of apologizing for my own existence.

Make- Eat at least one piece of fruit a day. It is supposed to be healthy right?

Make- Write/plot at least an hour each day even on rest days. I have to start getting stricter on myself.

Make- Create and stick to a writing schedule. I have to start being more organised.

Break- Stop being hard on myself, speak kinder words to myself instead. That pretty much explains itself.

Make- A daily list of 3 positive things that I like about my day. Because sometimes it is easy to forget that there were brief sunshine moments.

Make- A daily list of 3 things that I like about myself, physical, non-physical. Because, it can be hard to show yourself some love.

Make- A little notebook of positive aspects, a once a day entry of 10 things that are positive. Literally a list of positive aspects about people, places, things; maybe one day I will post it on here.

That’s all  for now, it might change or grow but other than that, it’s all feeling good!