.: Entry Eighty-Four :.
My name is Elliot Parker. For about two, maybe three weeks after I decided what I wanted there was a bit of radio silence. I got to sit in that knowing of what I wanted, and there were a few tests from the universe. Temptations perhaps is too strong a word, but appealing options maybe a better word. But even with distractions and temptations, what I want hasn’t changed. But how I want it has changed. Before it was wanting something and believing it will happen. Now I am wanting it because I know it will happen. I keep trying to understand this deliberate creation, I keep trying to understand life and the world and my physical body.
It sounds weird doesn’t it, wanting something for the reason that you know it will happen (because you want it). But there are different ways we want things, different reasons. Some because we believe we can’t have them, when we believe that we can’t have it we amplify its absence. Sometimes we want something because we believe it will make us happy, which is often the case, but when we get it we wonder why we aren’t happy and we start wanting something else.
My wanting and knowing statement when I thought about what I wanted was specific. I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.
It was specific and it was certain and it was knowing and most importantly I know it will make me makes me endlessly happy because I get to enjoy where I am and where I am going.
So yes there were two to three weeks of barely any talking until we got chatting again, as regular patterns dictate. Adrian and I gravitate towards each other. He has saved my ass in those weeks when we have talked, he was my knight in shining armour. Now we are chatting again, properly. I love the way it feels when we talk, like it is effortless. I suppose to return the balance of his knight in shining armour-ness, (I’m not used to being rescued) I was happy to agree to help Adrian when he asked for a favour. He wants helps with some coursework, like what could be called proof reading. I want to do it, not because I love science, but because I want to help him, not because he can’t do it himself, but because I like being a part of his life. It’s like being included. I suppose I like feeling needed. I like being there for him. Even if I get frustrated sometimes.
So yeah, I am going to enjoy doing something different for a short while, a bit of science.
I am enjoying the small steps and natural conversations I am having while what I want is manifesting perfectly. The universe is conspiring with me, the deliberate creator. I love it. I do feel like things are falling into place so perfectly, like I am becoming who I want to be. I am allowing myself to be confident, enchanting and worthy. I am allowing who I am and how I want to define myself to expand. It’s fun.
I like that life right now feels like it is just at my fingertips. All the good feeling thoughts are coming to me easily. What I desire is coming easily and swiftly and its drawn by teeny tiny choices. I get to choose whether or not I want to enjoy things and I get to decide, yes this is what I want, I get to choose to be happy every second of the day and every second of the day it feels like a rapturous joyousness that calls you to happiness. In moments, that are dull and boring and I just want them to be over I take a moment to realise what I am thinking and I choose my mood. I get to choose how I feel and as soon as I realise I am not feeling happy I decide that I want to feel happy. Once that decision is made I start looking for the thoughts that will make me feel happy. I look for those thoughts and they come sometimes harder sometimes easier than I expect. But they come and they grow and soon I am in that happy place again. I am a perpetual happiness magnet. Did I mention that Adrian makes me happy? Because I am not sure how accurate that is, because I make me happy and he is something I put my attention on and feel good about. So in a way, just the thought of him, the mention of his name or the thought of those beautiful eyes, they can make me feel good from just the observation of their existence. I like being happy, being happy is good and important.
The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q
Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q