.: Entry One-Hundred and Twelve :.
My name is Elliot Parker. I started this for the wrong reasons in the wrong way. I wanted to become this deliberate creator of my world, I didn’t even know who I was. I convinced myself all the time of what I wanted. I tried to be something I wasn’t, happy. I tried to convince myself I was. I tried to convince myself what I was doing was right, that this was the right way even when I knew I was wrong. That’s the thing. It has taken over twenty years to understand my past. It took twenty long years to understand the systematic emotional abuse I was exposed to. Twenty years to break free of the brain washing and manipulation to see reality. Now I am here. In this new position and I don’t know if I understand myself any better.
This whole thing started for the right reasons. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to create my own world. And in a way I did.
Now aside from here, when I look at my life, I look at this world I created, I lost the relationship I had with my mother, though being realistic, I think it was so toxic it has taken until now to really open up and speak honestly about it. The relationship I had with one of my best friends has deteriorated. It’s become distant and I don’t doubt that a large portion of that is how I changed, decisions I have made. I guess I started wanting to protect myself some more. The more effective that I get at making my life healthier and happier the more I have lost my connections to who I was.
Who am I becoming in the process? Where have I disconnected from myself?
I guess it has taken shedding the past, shedding what I used to want, or what I thought I wanted and just enjoying where I have come to be. I found the man who has turned out to be the love of my life. I am slowly becoming financially stable, almost… I am getting there. That is better than I was. I found this path that I want to be on.
All the things I need to be doing I have struggled with finding the motivation and strength that comes with perseverance. I have been intermittent and inconsistent with how I am thinking. Now each morning when I get up, I am setting my alarm earlier than I need to and allowing myself at least half an hour of appreciation. I am making that effort of appreciating the life that I am living. I let myself appreciate my work, waking up, my family, my other half, my future. I let myself get excited about the day, I get myself excited about what I can look forward to in each day. I didn’t think about writing this post this morning, no I just decided to see if I could fit it in to my plans, I got some extra unexpected pleasure in my day by choosing to do this. I am choosing to look at my life, where I am right now and where I want to be and I want to make an agreement with myself of what I will do each day as a minimum. I am changing my minimums for each day in the hope that I get to enjoy the maximum each day.
Sounds like I am giving myself more stress and more pressure each month but that is not the case. At least that is not the case I intend. I am going to carve out an hour each day for me. That is an hour each day to reconnect with myself, because with all the stresses lately, I felt so overwhelmed I started shutting down and pulling back from all areas in my life, I don’t want that to be a trend. I want to start reconnecting with all that I love and that I want to be. I am hoping that starting with an hour a day will begin the unlocking of myself and what I am scared to tackle.
Carving out that hour of me time a day is simple enough in theory right? Well I am possibly running before I can walk, but I want to encourage myself in this process to start eating right, start to be healthier and move around more, I want to push forward into my life. That means recovering from old wounds. As hard as that sounds, weeks from now I want to be able to say that writing this post pushed me so much in the right direction, pushed me so far forward with what I wanted to achieve that I made myself proud.
If I can stumble upon creating the love of my life, the perfect partner for me, then what else can I do?
I just want to see where this future path is taking me. I want to push a little more toward the fun that I have been wanting in my life. Even if that means that I have to lose an hour of doing nothing relaxing for doing something, anything, hopefully this in a way, because I do enjoy this. I do enjoy finding and discovering myself about who I am or who I want to be. In these few words I get to discover what my next steps may be, or even reflecting on the past that shaped me, the mistakes and the triumphs. I spend so much time beating myself up away from here, I forget what I wanted to achieve, I come back and I see the reminders I leave myself. Working on being kinder to myself has been interesting as an exercise. I am losing the inner critic of myself over time, it’s voice is becoming quieter and easier to tell off.
I am so thankful of the progress I made from where I started, the things I thought I needed and wanted, where I am now, it is so much happier. Thank you wonderful universe.