Chapter Two: Petrova
Do you ever look into a mirror and examine yourself? I know who Petrova Blayze is. I know my hair; the loose curls that appear when I let it dry, the dark chestnut hues. I know my brown eyes, where the amber mingles and the way they can look like all the warmth has flooded away and become cold and less inviting. I know the way that my veins show below my pale skin. I know the way my brows furrow in thought. I know who I am and for the longest time, I was unique. Something none of my comrades had the appreciation of. Being entirely alone. Lonely yes, but freeing in a way. I didn’t have someone being an echo of myself or feeling like the echo of someone else. I didn’t cling to fragmenting memories of another part of myself, a sibling that never ascended. I didn’t have that pain, or that kind of sadness. The only one of my friends, comrades, that didn’t have the same uniting suffering, I got some strange twisted exemption. I was their curiosity, the oddity who didn’t share that bond of pain, a shiny toy. What they don’t seem to understand is I hate being on the outside of it all, its lonely out here.
I felt this kind of pang, a strange sensation when I rode the impulse to stop Lei. It was more than looking into a mirror, this was living and breathing and it didn’t fade or disappear when my eyes closed. It was a gut jerking sensation; this should never have been possible. Doppelgangers are meant to replace you in battle if you die, in this life, they are standbys almost, in a twisted way. The thing is, you shouldn’t meet your ganger, and yet there she was. So she wasn’t here to replace me, as far as I can tell. After managing to get into the HR system I found her file, she was one of us, she was simply reassigned it seems. I couldn’t hold that against her. But that flicker of jealousy that someone is so like me, so very much the mirror of me, from the eyes to the hair, to the way her lips crinkled at the corner when she smiled when she introduced herself, the same way my own do. Except she seems to flaunt qualities I wish we shared, her comfortable relaxed demeanour when she spoke to strangers. She does it too though; her first instinct is to introduce herself by her nickname. I prefer her name though… it sounds ridiculous I would feel jealous of that tiny little thing. But I can’t put my finger on why I feel this strange pull to Lei, I suppose it is close as I will get to feeling what my friends did, a long while ago. Continue reading