The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am a deliberate creator. I am at a loss of what to say. I know that everything is always working out for me, I know that I am creating my own future.

Recently, there have been moments, when speaking to Adrian I can see a true reflection of what is being held for me in my desires awaiting my true and best alignment. I can see the effort being made. The offers, the position of crossing the bridge. For the first time in a long time rather than saying “I am making no promises”, when I asked Adrian if what he said is a promise he said “yes” not the age old response I had come to get used to. I was sincerely really happy at the general progress. It was lovely to have made that step forward. Another step forward, was greatly appreciated.

That wasn’t the only moment recently that made me smile thanks to Adrian. He sent me photos of the apartment he has been looking at… It looks good. I mean he didn’t have to show me, and I appreciate the asking of my opinion it was a kind thing to do and ask. It was a cute apartment; I wouldn’t have said no to living in an apartment that looked like that. It’s quite easy to imagine working on my stuff at the dining table, cooking an experimental dinner in the kitchen and sitting curled up on the sofa knitting… It would probably be how I would live in an apartment that looked like that. I don’t mean that under the assumption of living with him, I meant that just under the assumption on living in an apartment that looked like that, though I wouldn’t be averse to living with him.

Another smiley moment? The invitation to go see him for a little while. He is away for work and his concern would be that I would get bored but that’s ok, because I am pretty good at entertaining myself. I would like to go visit him out there. I’d probably be a total pain in the ass, but it would be quite fun to just enjoy chilling out with him. Relaxing is something we have always been able to do around each other. Even if I do occasionally tell him off, I still find myself knowing that with him I am my truest self, the me that I want to be, the best that I want to be. So yes I do enjoy spending time with him.

My name is Elliot Parker, the truth is yeah I still really love Adrian, I strongly think that there will never be a day where that is not the case.

What does that mean for the Jonas thing? Well a crush that didn’t develop or get nurtured. Truth is well, we don’t really talk anymore, it’s just that now I have been making decisions to focus positively on my life and in that and in my absence in attention to our conversation the momentum waned and failed and that’s ok. It is good to have known and conversed in a way that expanded my opinions. I am happy that nothing happened and it didn’t progress, it means we can still be friends. It means that I can still expand my views and opinions.

That’s the thing though isn’t it, people come into our lives for a reason. They can bring new truths, make us better people, inspire us they can do so much to change us as people. We are always lead to those who help us most to grow, that is of course if we let them. So some goodbyes, even those that remain unsaid, like the fading of a conversation, that is ok. That’s the thing, I am always aiming to change for the better. I want to change for good.

I have already changed so much… For those of you who might not be aware of this, I have attended counselling on and off for about a year and a half now. The person who first walked into the counsellor’s room, someone who was broken and severely depressed no longer exists. My counsellor agrees. Yes, I still go. It helps, even when you are feeling better, you can go less often or top it up when you need it. But yes I found it truly helpful. I would give myself homework at first. I would try to keep a diary; each day I would write three positive things that I witnessed in that day. It sounds silly and simple. But it took looking for something good in each day to find it, at first it was small and inconsequential and after a while it grew. The world went from darkness to a spark of something brighter. And the more I looked for good the more I found it and the more the spark grew. That’s the thing once you build positive momentum when I suppose you can say you fell off of the wagon of happiness it can be a bit easier to find the spark again because you knew you could do it because you found it before. Yeah that is a long sentence. But it is important to understand that contrast is momentary when the positive momentum is what you are building in other areas of your life.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Counselling helped me. I am different to what I was. I am no longer holding myself responsible for everyone else’s happiness. The only happiness I am responsible for is mine.

Honestly yesterday, I was upset, in a bad mood. I decided before I went to bed that I had no intention of bringing that day onwards it’s negative momentum would be put to rest that night while I slept and the next day I would start the day from a place of positive momentum. And do you know what? That decision happened I got what I wanted and started the day from a fresh point of attraction, a positive point of attraction.

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Author Update (March 2017)

Hiya Guys!

So here we are, coming to the close of March. The Diary of Elliot Parker has returned!!! Not that I am happy about that or anything…

So what have I binge watched lately? The Originals, the spin off from the Vampire Diaries. It’s not too bad. I have been finding it a bit hard at the moment to write. I am working on more of The Diary of Elliot Parker and of course, getting to work on that big project, the massive thing that is taking a tonne of time and thought to do but I am enjoying it truely.

Guitar is going ok, slow progress is still progress. I woke up the other day and had lyrics in my head that I just had to write down, with a little tweak I really loved them. I guess when it comes to writing a song, weirdly, the lyrics arrive before the melody. What comes of being a writer I suppose? I got addicted to the Ed Sheeran songs, he is certainly a talent I admire. Even if I couldn’t get hold of tickets.

Yet another month battling procrastination, writers block and general life chaos. I need to focus more on The Diary of Elliot Parker, the temptation to write the big project over The Diary of Elliot Parker is much bigger. Still not particularly changed the nickname of the big project and to be honest, I still find it has a life of its own, it keeps throwing me curve balls, so who knows.

The big project is certainly a challenge sometimes, where it has come to develop a life of its own I skirt that fine line between wanting the follow the plot very carefully and being true to the characters. I know it is one of those things I shouldn’t complain about. But the story is being co-operative to a degree. It is letting me explore the characters and get inside their heads and when they are ready, they are happy to follow the plot. It is quite a lovely experience.

This month was certainly an experience!

I went to my second funeral this month, RIP Josh. It was beautiful and heartbreaking. He will be so very missed. It was a beautiful send off for a beautiful soul.

I’ve not been doing much writing. I’ve been doing some physio and I end up more exhausted and drained than usual.

I feel like I should start properly planning my nanowrimo project soon. So one step at a time. The inspiration will come for it. I want to get the first book of The Big Project done first though.

I have been thinking about changing this site slightly. I am thinking about possibly doing some new ideas, things I want to add, so that might happen some time in the Summer on the other side of my birthday. I’ll have to see where the inspiration leads.

So I started a diet in the middle of the month last month. The hope was to at least loose 10 kilos or more before the end of March. I have lost just over a kilo and just over an inch off of my waist… not as successful as I had hoped. But something is better than nothing.

Of course I need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂

The Diary of Elliot Parker is out now!!! I am happy that it’s now launched. If you haven’t already, catch up on the whole of the first part of The Diary of Elliot Parker so that this part makes a tiny bit more sense- no guarantees on much sense of Elliot in this part, a wee bit of a confusion cloud is setting in.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Something odd happened with Adrian recently. More than just one something actually. It has played on my mind a tiny bit. So here it is…

The first weird thing, was I had a weird dream, like weird but accidental. I had a dream that Adrian was adamant he wanted to teach me how to use a vape. Like how odd? I don’t smoke and never have but for some reason he wanted me to try this vape thing. I woke up and I sent him a message “Why did I dream that you tried to teach me how to vape.” His response gave me a giggle, in a way. Well his vape machine, the one he is fond of broke and he was mad. So basically I had that stupid dream because he was mad that his vape machine broke. Seriously?

Something else that was a bit odd?

Well, I got rather excited about something that I have been working on online. So I spread my excitement and told Adrian. He found the project and somehow instantly found one of the things that was about him, but not just anything, the one with the story of how we met and how I felt about things when we met. Of all the things? Well, he sent me that back, when I asked why he was sending me that I asked why. I never got my answer. But I did get a change of topic. So if he does stumble on my diary on here, and knows that he is reading about him, and that he has probably gotten mad at some of the things that I have felt or ranted about on here, and if he has carried on reading and has seen this, I still feel that way. That way of how we met. My heart still skips a beat. No matter how I try to distract myself I still can’t help but smile seeing his name. Picturing his lips when he smiles all goofy at me.

So yes. Strange that page was chosen when there were so many to choose from, almost honed in on it. Odd. But yes, if the question on the mind of his was “do you still feel that way?” Yes.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator. I am deliberately creating a jackpot win on the lottery. I know what car I would love to get when I win, it’s a used car but I know what colour and what make and for the first time I saw the exact car that I want when I found myself in a place of calm alignment, my little cherry red car that I want. Since then I’ve been seeing that particular model here and there. The one thing I did was have a little look online and now I know what tone of cherry would be my most optimum colour that I desire. That and I know exactly what house I want with my lottery win. It’s one that I stumbled on and since then I have been working out what I want to do in each and every room. The most ultimate thing is the super-giant bed I want. A girl is not stupid; a girl knows she wants a huge comfy giant bed. Sure I could probably choose a nice king size bed and get other furniture in and what have you but a wall to wall right across the room size bed sounds perfect to me. I don’t know how or why and it’s not particularly practical but it is the dream bed even if I know I would probably stick to one zone of the bed. Perhaps I should re-think this after all. I just thought that it would be a great sneaky storage space. Sneaky storage just sounds like a fun think to put into the house. It’s big enough that it would be comfortable to have guest’s stay over and not necessarily have to see them in the day. But that is just me being anti-social. I’d want to turn one of the bedrooms into a storage handy zone where its ok to bath the dog and make a mess. Store cleaning equipment and things like that so that they are out of the way. The dining room I want to convert a bit so that I can have a mini extension space of the kitchen even if it is in a separate room. Like somewhere to hide the tumble and washer and somewhere to put the food so that people can help themselves when I am rarely social. A bit like a breakfast table in the room with the dining table. There could be room for counter top cooking like stuff that you order off of the shopping channels. Why not?

I am so eager and excited for that to manifest. Like I can feel and see the evidence of its manifestation amassing. I am comfortable with that knowing it is ready when I am. I am eager for the unfolding of my desires, particularly those involving the lottery jackpot (and house) and this sense and feeling I have in the air about Adrian. There is just something that is telling me that his walls are melting down between his conscious and subconscious, perhaps there will soon be a time when he can feel comfortable enough for that conversation I can feel that hangs in the air like a fog that never lifts.

My name is Elliot Parker, I am an eager and excited deliberate creator. There is a this exciting and creative world and it feels like the universe likes sending me these messages, the dreams that just tells me one very important thing, everything is always working out for me. However I like to interpret these cheeky little messages and nods from the universe telling me, no shouting at me “you are coming into your best alignment with all that you desire.”

Westminster Attack

Yesterday, Tuesday the 22nd March 2017, there was a display of the duality of humanity, in which there were lives lost.

This post is in memory of those that died during the terrorist attack in the heart of London yesterday, hoping they will be able to rest in peace, unforgotten through time.

It is hoped, that those involved and touched by the violence yesterday will find support, help and peace. The heros, the victims and those that bore witness to the tragedy.

The media reports a terrorist attack. Something that inevitable in time. Destined to be when, not if.

Throughout the incident, the media and subsequent reporting one thing is incredibly clear. The bravery and humanity of the first responders. Those that have shown the great bravery and heroism that goes above and beyond the call of service. For their response, their humanity and their sacrifice stand out against the darkness as the flames and light of the back bone of our country, unwilling to bow to the acts of inhumanity, however horrific.

In honesty, I cannot help but be proud of being British. The resilience and dignified response not only from our emergency services, but by the coverage of the houses of parliament today. There is an incredible degree of pride, admiration and appreciation for the emergency services and their swift action. The sense of defiance is certainly strong, but as strong as that defiance is, there is love that is so much greater. The compassion and the way in which the capital has bound itself together in support and care is incredible.

As incredibly British as it may be, the love of a good cup of tea to cure all ills is still something we stand by. We may have a stiff upper lip, incredible defiance and an endless debate on what exactly makes a perfect cup of tea. We have something more, whether attacks of terrorism are inflicted in explosives, simpler means or even the mob mentality (the London riots), the British people are truly resilient, community-centered, compassionate in their response to life.

May the souls of those who died yesterday in the attack rest in peace.

May the injured of yesterdays attack receive a speedy recovery and support.

May those who were present in the attack receive support and love.

May those who view the news coverage and the media response remember that as a people, the community of the country remains unbowed, unbent and unbroken.

(Please excuse the Game of Thrones reference.)

I cannot help but feel proud of our country today.

Stay safe wherever you may be.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I got back into that room with the books. Now? Now I am once again the stow away girl.

“Move.” The Captains voice is sharp in the cold echo of the cave. The hand on the wrist is pulling me away from the mouth of the cave. Something is out there.

I can feel the energy of a hunter out there searching for its prey. Not just any kind of hunter. I ignore the Captain and crouch down on the ground. I let my fingers leave the cold stone below my knees and trail a path down to the thick moist soil at the edge of the cave. I can feel the dirt, the peat, the stored energy, beyond that I can feel the blades of grass that grow. Further than the sea of green in my mind’s eye a springing map of trees begin to grow and sprout and reach higher and higher towards the sky. The birds begin to bloom like flowers and flutter like petals and they grow silent. The beasts on the ground are silent, except for the occasional whinny and bray of a horse. The first horse gives way to a small huddle. Upon the small huddle of horses, men, the bright blue and cream of the leader. The captain among them a hunter seeking their prey. What is their prey? I search the blue captain’s energy, “what is he hunting?”

“It is not a what.” is the answer I receive. I take a deep breath, “Who is he hunting?”

I wait for the response, “you already know the answer, he is hunting a stowaway girl, he is hunting you.” I swallow the growing panic and try to seek out more information. There are more men around the men on the horses. All wear some band or brand of blue. Being a stolen treasure that wanted to disappear now feels a little less fun. It is less fun than I had expected. The disappointment that we have to move from the cosy, cold cave.

If these men are here, that means they sailed here, they were looking for us and the body of them are on the land. I try to reach further into the distance of landscape towards the sea where we landed, it feels empty and hard and I feel drained. I push further and see to the ships they brought, three. A handful of men on each to keep the boats safe and secure. I have an idea. I pull myself back from the distance of the landscape and pull my fingers a fraction back to the stone and try to cut myself a path in the stone. A way to go down through the land and appear closer to the ships. I begin to pull the ground slowly into this idea. I feel a hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a familiar voice hissing in my ear.

I feel like I am being pulled away from something, pulled away from the world surrounding itself, almost glittering in the map of the mind’s eye.

The Captain’s hand on my shoulder is keeping me still even though I can feel my body swaying and moving in his hands he is pulling me away and further into the cave. “What are you doing?” He hisses in my ear.

“Can’t you feel it? We are being hunted.”

“I know. But you are in the open you can be seen.”

“Not by them, but I saw them.”

“You can be seen by my men, disobeying my orders being near the mouth of the cave, being visible.” His voice is steady and quiet and then his expression changes, “wait, what do you mean you saw them?”

“I don’t know how to explain, but I saw them.”

“What did you see?”

“Men on horses, men on foot. A captain in blue and cream. All the men wore something, like a token of blue.”

“What else? You have to tell my what else you saw. Now.”

“I am trying. There were ships. Three ships, a handful of men on each protecting them. Three ships on the shore. And there is a tunnel. Tunnels in the cave. The tunnels in the caves, there is a path close to the shore where the boats are. Its hidden can’t be seen, there are trees in the entrance. It’s filled with… filled with birds and leaves, I can’t see it, it’s fading. You pulled me away.” I can feel a rage building in my chest. I had been doing something new, that should be impossible.

The Captain must have read the change in my face because now he has pulled me to my feet, “how far away are they?”

“On horse? A day and a half’s ride.”

“That’s our best shot? A day?” I nod. His voice is quieter, “I am sorry.” I look at him questioning his words. He directs me back to the crew. “From now on no one and I mean no one goes near the mouth of the cave, we have hunted enough now we need to prepare and huddle because we are leaving in the hour. Make sure we have enough firewood and torchwood we are going into the caves.”

“How Captain, the caves are a dead end sir?” The crew murmured quietly. The Captain’s glare silenced the man. “I have a hunch,” were his words, “men when are my hunches ever wrong?” There was silence. I could feel a look from a corner of the crew. A look of suspicion, or is it a look that says they know what the Captain means, or what I am, or the truth of what I am. What the Captain is hiding. What I have been hiding. That member of the crew had one ready to test the water. “Captain, what about her, I saw her at the mouth of the cave. She disobeyed orders.” The Captain let his glance fall to me. “That she did.”

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I feel neutral. Like I know, the old me, the me before I discovered that I am a deliberate creator, that me would be sad, perhaps a bit devastated and definitely missing Adrian. Worse than that I think that the old me would feel cheated in a way. Determined to rebel and get his attention, determined that he would be missing me as much as I would be missing him. But I am not that person anymore. It is so weird. I can see my old reactions wanting to hit a reflex button and go this is what you should be feeling and doing and being… it wants to ask me right now, “why aren’t you miserable?” How is that? How is it that the past self is begging me to answer for my happiness… how dare I not be in a negative and sad and grumpy state of being?!

Well tough. I only feel neutral because I can feel that asking, but that asking is getting quieter. There is a reason for that. My steady sustained energy is at a higher frequency, a happier frequency. It feels as though all this practice of reaching for the better feeling thought, that is working out for me. Just as I know everything is always working out for me. I keep repeating this favourite phrase, everything is always working out for me. It feels like I am beginning to realise something I hadn’t anticipated. That change that I was dreaming of, that was myself. It’s not the environment I am in, the conditions surrounding me might be changing a little, but me? I am changing a lot. I feel more sure of myself. That little voice of who I used to be is shrinking away and this positive deliberate creator is taking over. I am beginning to get better at my creative choices and the energy I choose to attract. I am ready for a happy day every day. Right now is all that matters until it is the next right now. That is why I want to do things recently that I’ve been putting off. Things that I have been putting off because I felt incapable, un worthy. Well guess what? I am worthy. I am coming to a sure and clear understanding that I am worthy.

I believe that I will get the full realisations and manifestations of my desires. If my attention and desire to win the lottery is there I will win it. If I want to attract Adrian Ferisle I believe that I can attract him in a way that pleases me.

The angel numbers that keep showing up are nice little reminders from the universe, keep going. Keep having that positive experience.

I know that it is strange, but perhaps not, perhaps the real life has been out weighing the dream world. Because the attention that I am focused at right now, is trying the best that I can to feel better about my wellbeing. Well now, now I want to learn to drive, I am sure that there will be an opportunity to learn to drive a car and a bike and I want to do that because the freedom feeling. I want to feel free. I am free. I enjoy the freedom of being this deliberate creator because I know that I am getting better at choosing the energies that I want.

The what is? Well the what is I hear the old me asking for, Adrian has gone quiet, flew abroad a few days ago and he is settling in and I know without speaking to him that he is adjusting and finding his feet.

I had a moment with Clover yesterday when she turned to me and said, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space” I was proud of her progress until she said “but at the moment I cannot afford it and I have limited choices.” Then I felt a little discord because I know that she has trapped herself into that spiral of thinking. But I do agree with her on one thing, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space”. I know what my own space looks, I know what my own home looks like. I know how I want my bed to be, I know how my bed will feel and that I will own lots of different bed sheets but I will enjoy the minty earthy green sheets every so often. I know what my kitchen will need to look like, how I want it to look. I know how I want the extension of my own private hanging out space looks like in my own home.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.

I am taking one magical step and then another right along to the dreams that I am searching. I am ready for a dream of that room, I am ready for a dream of that room on my own, I am ready for a dream of that room for my complete privacy. I am ready to open one book and jump in and experience every word that I can. I am determined to understand the inner workings of a dream within a dream. The first layer of the dream is within my control, but the second layer, is just pure fun fantasy and I have no intention of being in control I am ready to relinquish control. I am ready to just enjoy what has been created for me, the created wonderful works of the universe.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am giving up the effort. I am giving up the resistance to what I want. I am giving up the struggle. I am giving up the angst.

I am revelling in the knowing that I can be and do and see and have anything that I want, without a doubt, I am revelling in the joy of being a deliberate creator.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Thursday sort of went the way that I wanted-ish. Well… It happened like this: I wanted to see Adrian Thursday night. It wasn’t looking likely, he had so much to get done before he went abroad to work, well, then he got called into work and I got a message that if they get the problem sorted quickly then he would come round. Well… I suppose I had a tiny bit of residual resistance, and I was tired, very tired. So I went to bed and fell asleep. I found out the next day that he had been stuck at work till 1am. Which sucked. But it kind of worked out for the best. You see I had it in my head that my appointment was later than it was… ooopsie.

Friday I woke up about six fifty something and went back to bed, the alarm that goes off every morning at seven went off and I sort of thought “oh just check the time” … Well I did and my appointment wasn’t the afternoon like I thought, it was the freaking morning, I was not impressed. How had I convinced myself that it was so much later than it was?

Anyway I got myself sorted and ready in plenty of time and made it there early. I didn’t get the results I wanted, but I know that could change quite easily if I find a way to sure up my energy on my desire without resistance.

I had a dream, last night. Not the dream of that room. But a different dream. Ok it was two dreams.

So… in this dream, I was high up in a block of flats and it was comfortable and I found myself looking out of the window, in the distance I see this tornado. Its huge, massive and so very different. A beautiful destruction, like the storm in a cup level spectacular. It was huge and the colour changed from dark greys to plumes of burgundy with green lights and it just seemed to be this huge massive stage effect. It was bewildering, and huge and wow. It changed colours and it changed direction a lot. The flats that I was in seemed to move sideways and such like a great glass elevator moving along a horizontal path at huge speeds and it seemed as though I were unintentionally and intentionally changing the directions of the tornado. It seemed to just be this beautiful changing spectacle.

The second dream. Well, there were these railway tracks and somehow you clip into them, on the back of a train and you are holding this rail and this train is moving so fast and on the other pole, the one near mine is Adrian. The faster the train moves the harder it is to keep your body vertical it just feels easier to let go and hold on to the pole with your arms (with ease) and let your body float in the speed of the air. It was incredible. So there the train goes faster and faster and the rails have this high turning bridge of rails right over the water. It looks petrifying and dangerous and I know that all you have to do is keep believing and hold on and its fine. And I can feel Adrian tense up and I try to encourage him to trust that it will be ok. The train picks up speed and starts rising and it’s over the water and it’s scary in a beautiful stunning way. And Adrian gets scared and let’s go and I find some instinct stop the train and pull Adrian back up and on and we are at that part just before the train goes up over the water. This time I tell him and encourage him to trust me and to stay holding on. Well the train picks up speed and we get over the water and the dangerous scary part and its done, we get into the main body of the train and sit inside.

According to dream dictionary: the tornado means that… oh it’s something about change, a challenge an important relationship something that is on the horizon. There is a positive feeling in the dream so I am going to take an educated guess that it is not something that is bad that is coming, just a change. The train tracks apparently that has something to do with being in control if you are on the tracks, coming off the tracks is a lack of control. I suppose that has more to do with Adrian than I, I know that he struggles with control and change, though I am not sure why I am the one who has the control and manages to pick him up and get him back on track, or why it was important for him to trust me in what I was doing. Moving into the regular carriage apparently means ease. The second dream didn’t really feel like one of my own if I am honest, not the kind of dream I would normally have. Apparently seeing Adrian in the dream is that it was his thinking of me intensely therefor projecting a telepathic message towards me. Which given that he is about to start working away for a long time, it perhaps makes the travelling factor of the train tracks make sense. So maybe I only saw that dream because he wanted me to see that dream. I don’t know, but rescuing him then didn’t feel much different to rescuing him in the real world when he struggles emotionally.

I know that things between us were a bit weird. Are a bit weird. I guess that kind of happens when one of you reads life in energies and the other in logic. It’s weird, having a connection with someone and you just sort of know these odd thoughts in their heads, the unspoken things, how they feel or what they are doing. It’s like knowing a book cover to cover but it keeps changing the story.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Today is still Thursday for me.

The dream of the pair of pairs of magpies is still on my mind. It was a different dream. It feels like the first time I have ever seen this dream of the magpies telling me that the happiness is multiplied it was like yes, four does mean for a boy. But it also means, look there is happiness and there is happiness it is where ever you set your gaze and from the broader perspective the happiness is multiplied. It feels good to know.

So yesterday I went for a late lunch with Clover, I wanted to know clearly, to have it confirmed to me that those intimate moments on Monday were intimate and not just my relaxed allowing feeling. I wanted it confirmed. I wanted confirmation? Like I didn’t know what I already knew what I have been knowing. How strange.

So anyway I recounted what happened as objectively as I could, trying to remove myself, my feeling and my interpretation of those moments.

Clover turned to me and said that it was very relationshippy that it didn’t surprise her. She knows, she has this certainty and knowing that Adrian and I will be together again, we will work things out and “get back together” in that moment, I felt a little guilty for the feelings I have had for Jonas. Her certainty in her knowing just felt like there was no remorse or discomfort in her knowing. It expanded what I know. She is beginning to learn how to be a deliberate creator and her knowing without question of this was just very interesting to watch her list of knowing.

There are times where Clover is handed a great huge giant piece of contrast that infuriates her. Rather than find a way back to alignment with her focus she wants to bathe and swim and go wild with the contrast. There is the huge difference. The contrast that is handed to me that infuriates me? Well I try to find my way back to alignment to feel relief.

I know that finding some relief of the emotion will lead to more if I follow and hold my attention to it and before long my energy begins to alter, I begin to walk closer to hopefulness, I begin to walk closer to optimism, I walk closer to happiness. I reach a point and it feels like walking hand in hand with happiness. It feels great. It feels spectacular. It is so wonderful to enjoy the manifestation of the better feeling thoughts.

I have to keep remembering this one thing, there is nothing that I can gain from talking about it when I feel the resistance. Do you know what I recommend my dear diary? I recommend walking away from those thoughts that do not satisfy you, that do not provide you the ease and bliss that you want to feel. Walk the F- away from them because it doesn’t make a diddly bit of difference.

Want to know something interesting? Of course you don’t, you are my diary.

So I told Clover about my dream. It was early in the morning, she read it and went back to sleep. So she just sent me a message that she had a weird dream. She dreamed she was pregnant (around four months) and I already had a baby an 18 month old. The name, though, I have never told her what I want to call my kids (yes I know already a little list of names that I would like to call my kids) and she told me that the name of my baby, was a name from that list, a list that I tell no one. Which very much surprised me. And she goes on to say that I apparently said “so much for the doctors saying he can’t have kids” and I am here on the other side of my phone laughing because I know the who. Here is where it gets a second bit odd. I have had this strange feeling like a knowing, one of those just things that you just have a feeling about. Anyway that feeling that if I had a child with this person, our first child would be a boy. And apparently in her dream it was. It was a strange dream apparently and continues focused on the pregnancy on her side. The 18 months part, I haven’t told her yet that Adrian’s contract is for 18 months. I found that a very odd coincidence. It was nice to hear about the strange dream just because of all the funny coincidences of things I have not told her appearing in her dream. It just feels funny, amusing. Like co-creating at its best, she is dreaming of the pregnancy and the boyfriend that she really wants but at the same time she is showing hints and signs at things that have never been told to her. Her dream is interesting from the tiny details that I know that are related to me or my future just because it is curious to see what I want subconsciously that has leaked into her subconscious that coincides and collaborates with what she wants.

I have a feeling that I know exactly what would be a good thing for her to receive. I am being a bit spoiled today with all these fun moments of alignment, all these funny moments where I check the time by accident to see how long I have left before I need to go out. So far today I have had 11.00 show itself to me, 11.11 and 11.22 it is fun to just see my alignment and shots at angel numbers that I do and don’t know.

I am feeling the bliss of the amusement, the bliss of the waft and smell of the candle wax burning. It is fun to imagine that as the candle burns it is pulling the resistance from me and dissipating it. It feels great to just allow these funny moments that amuse me. The universe is confirming to me all that I ask of it and all that I have not yet asked it is bringing forth the answers.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Thirty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

This is my diary. This is my diary that seems to have warped as I have grown. I suspect, that this diary is my own way at times to rampage myself right into that pure positive energy.

There is a brief story I want to share with my diary.

So last week, or was it the week before? Either way, I had a strange impulse to put on a specific piece of jewellery. I just had this call to put the ring on. This ring, has runes on it that the inscription translates to health and happiness. But that is not all, there is a pendant that was pared with this ring. A simple silver pendant with runes. I gave the pendant on the cord string to Adrian last year when I found out that he was going to be working away a lot. A little sort of totem or something. Something to remember me by in a way.

So about half a week or so later (we land this now on Saturday) I lay in bed in the late evening and I felt my grandad there with me, his spirit took my hand. I was feeling pretty damn bloated after an evening out with my friend at a nice buffet. And I have to say it was great. But, I remember saying that I will not be intimate with someone without a relationship. I took a decision in that moment that that was what I wanted. So anyway back to lying in bed bloated with my grandad’s spirit being with me. I asked if I should send a message about the buffet place to Adrian and I just had this answer come to me in that moment. Send the message tomorrow morning when you wake up and you feel good and light and there is no resistance.

The next morning comes and I sent the message, I got a reply. Which surprised me. The reply was like that’s cool, guess what, I’m back. And it just felt like the receptive mode was like just go with it.

So I went out for the day still messaging Adrian, silly conversational stuff, and I felt inspired to dye my hair so I did. It’s a lot less red, quite a dark brown though. So we were chatting and we wanted to meet but timing was unfortunate on the Sunday but the Monday, well apparently that was 100%. That worked for me the day was easy and receptive too. It was a couple of pure days of receptive mode, I got my hair cut on Monday and I felt better. And here’s where it gets a bit messy. So Monday evening we did hang out, it was a fun evening, an intimate evening. There was a silly moment, where I grabbed his bum and said “this is mine”. It was a silly moment, but I just felt the idea in the receptive mode of the sensation. So the silly game of “this is mine” escalated in a simply aligned way. When he asked “is there anything else that is yours?” I just felt inspired to the answer. As he said “you don’t want my brain its broken” I said “your mind… your heart” I just felt inspired to the honesty, to the lack of argument. In response to his comment I felt inspired in my answer because it was honest, “broken toys play together nicely, just need a little imagination.” That is so very true, I felt his resistance when he answered “no they don’t” it was as though no one had ever said to him it is ok to be who you are and be loved for it. “I have enough imagination for the both of us.” That was the best answer I could give that he would receive in the right way. It was simply an aligned evening, I felt a place of pure alignment. He is mine, I know it. I can’t explain the how but I just know it.

So the plan was I would see him Thursday. Well with contracts signed now he has to get ready he’s going to be away for 18 months and he thinks he has too much to do so Thursday is an impossibility. It’s not impossible. I have had inspired day dreamy things during meditation that tells me that Thursday is definitely not an impossibility. I am in the receiving mode, his day will be easy and complete before he realises and Thursday is an incredible possibility.

I feel pretty sure that I am in the receiving mode. Today is Thursday. Between Tuesday morning and today I contended with my resistance but now, I am releasing resistance. I know everything is always working out for me. There is nothing that I need to do right now. Just write in my diary and relax. Today I will allow, today I will meditate and enjoy the things that I do. I have lit a little tea light candle to enjoy the flame of, to just enjoy the peace of watching a candle. That is my secret. I love to watch the flame, it sooths and calms my soul. It is my natural soul cleanser. It feels good to release any and all resistance to be burned up by the candle and diminished.

I had a dream last night, after asking my grandad for assistance, to make the day dreams from meditation real. So anyway in this dream I am in a sort of open space, there is green everywhere and a couple of rows of houses. And there is a pair of magpies on one roof and I feel this bliss of knowing, two magpies, its happiness and in that breath I look to the opposite roof and there is a pair of magpies there and the bliss is just abundant. And it is then that my brain and I begin to argue a little, I said to myself oh there are four magpies, but my brain says no, today there is two pairs, two twos. Not four but two twos it is happiness multiplied by happiness. Accept that whatever direction you look, there is happiness.

Last night in the book that I had begun reading there was a quote, a pair of lines that I just felt complete assimilation with. “You only hear what you are ready to hear.” This is so very true. And I am allowing Adrian into my day.

A New Page!

That’s right I have added a new page! It’s time I tried to explain myself.

The new page link https://arappleby.com/the-big-project/

The contents:

It’s not the cleverest name I know, but it is the easiest. I have been mentioning this project rather frequently, so I thought perhaps I might divulge a few secrets.

The Big Project– it is something that I have been planning for years. For far too long it feels and yet, I can’t seem to abandon the story, but it develops, whether or not I am writing the story or writing another, the ideas flow. It does have a few other nicknames to me, “The Mountain”, “Nine”, “One of Nine”, “The Complicated Thingy”, “Trip Over My Tongue Project”. Often when someone asks me to explain the project I find myself horrendously tongue tied and I can’t work out how to start. I literally look like a rabbit in the headlights… I find myself jumping through all these avenues in the story and I just freak out. By the way, the story, it’s definitely not really called “The Big Project” but that is it’s nickname while I am writing.

It will be a project that I will be seeking an agent/publisher for.

It is a story that I really believe in. It has haunted me day and night for so long now, it is definitely a story that I have to tell. I feel like this story is the one that I have spent years honing my style and what I want to be able to do and accomplish with my work. It has been the thing I have been working towards for a very long time. I wanted to be the right person to write the story. I know that sounds weird. I feel like that the planning of the story happened while I was still growing as a writer and a person. Now I feel ready to write it. It has come to be time to take it off of the back burner and bring it forward to be my life’s work, passion and pride. I am ready for the story and the challenges. I am excited by it and I know that this is really the story I should be writing. I have a vision for this story, what it should and will be.

So what can be expected?

Well… a clue in the nicknames, “Nine”. There will be nine books in the series. All linked, all intertwining in some ways. I have the series title and the individual book titles picked out. They are my little secret for now.

So is there a magic one liner? In short, yes.

The past, present and future collide in a battle of revenge and survival.

What can be expected in the series?

Well, where to begin? Ok, so, there are a few main or core characters. It is those few characters that we follow of the story of; they are going to be seeing the influence of choices they made in the past lives and how they affect who they are as a people now. The characters are bound, somewhat against their will to one another across their lives. But, breaking that bond will be harder than it seems, their lives are bound for a reason but, will they be repeating past mistakes by believing old enemies are still enemies, and old friends are still loyal? Will they keep making the same mistakes? The characters rarely see the forest for the trees.

There will be love, loss, heartbreak, anger, revenge, forgiveness, chaos… and most importantly… change.

This story at times has a mind of its own as I write it, so it will be full of surprises, even for me.

A diary?

I think I will try my best to keep a writing diary for this project, there have been times where the contents has brought me to tears and even the sweetest joy. I am not sure how often writer’s keep diaries as they write the stories they have to write. But this might be a great opportunity for me to understand the processes that happen as I write, the emotions that bite at me and what surprises me about the process each time. Maybe I will leak the diary a little on here in time… Until then, I better get back to doing some kind of writing.