.: Entry Thirty-Nine :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I am a deliberate creator. I am at a loss of what to say. I know that everything is always working out for me, I know that I am creating my own future.
Recently, there have been moments, when speaking to Adrian I can see a true reflection of what is being held for me in my desires awaiting my true and best alignment. I can see the effort being made. The offers, the position of crossing the bridge. For the first time in a long time rather than saying “I am making no promises”, when I asked Adrian if what he said is a promise he said “yes” not the age old response I had come to get used to. I was sincerely really happy at the general progress. It was lovely to have made that step forward. Another step forward, was greatly appreciated.
That wasn’t the only moment recently that made me smile thanks to Adrian. He sent me photos of the apartment he has been looking at… It looks good. I mean he didn’t have to show me, and I appreciate the asking of my opinion it was a kind thing to do and ask. It was a cute apartment; I wouldn’t have said no to living in an apartment that looked like that. It’s quite easy to imagine working on my stuff at the dining table, cooking an experimental dinner in the kitchen and sitting curled up on the sofa knitting… It would probably be how I would live in an apartment that looked like that. I don’t mean that under the assumption of living with him, I meant that just under the assumption on living in an apartment that looked like that, though I wouldn’t be averse to living with him.
Another smiley moment? The invitation to go see him for a little while. He is away for work and his concern would be that I would get bored but that’s ok, because I am pretty good at entertaining myself. I would like to go visit him out there. I’d probably be a total pain in the ass, but it would be quite fun to just enjoy chilling out with him. Relaxing is something we have always been able to do around each other. Even if I do occasionally tell him off, I still find myself knowing that with him I am my truest self, the me that I want to be, the best that I want to be. So yes I do enjoy spending time with him.
My name is Elliot Parker, the truth is yeah I still really love Adrian, I strongly think that there will never be a day where that is not the case.
What does that mean for the Jonas thing? Well a crush that didn’t develop or get nurtured. Truth is well, we don’t really talk anymore, it’s just that now I have been making decisions to focus positively on my life and in that and in my absence in attention to our conversation the momentum waned and failed and that’s ok. It is good to have known and conversed in a way that expanded my opinions. I am happy that nothing happened and it didn’t progress, it means we can still be friends. It means that I can still expand my views and opinions.
That’s the thing though isn’t it, people come into our lives for a reason. They can bring new truths, make us better people, inspire us they can do so much to change us as people. We are always lead to those who help us most to grow, that is of course if we let them. So some goodbyes, even those that remain unsaid, like the fading of a conversation, that is ok. That’s the thing, I am always aiming to change for the better. I want to change for good.
I have already changed so much… For those of you who might not be aware of this, I have attended counselling on and off for about a year and a half now. The person who first walked into the counsellor’s room, someone who was broken and severely depressed no longer exists. My counsellor agrees. Yes, I still go. It helps, even when you are feeling better, you can go less often or top it up when you need it. But yes I found it truly helpful. I would give myself homework at first. I would try to keep a diary; each day I would write three positive things that I witnessed in that day. It sounds silly and simple. But it took looking for something good in each day to find it, at first it was small and inconsequential and after a while it grew. The world went from darkness to a spark of something brighter. And the more I looked for good the more I found it and the more the spark grew. That’s the thing once you build positive momentum when I suppose you can say you fell off of the wagon of happiness it can be a bit easier to find the spark again because you knew you could do it because you found it before. Yeah that is a long sentence. But it is important to understand that contrast is momentary when the positive momentum is what you are building in other areas of your life.
My name is Elliot Parker.
Counselling helped me. I am different to what I was. I am no longer holding myself responsible for everyone else’s happiness. The only happiness I am responsible for is mine.
Honestly yesterday, I was upset, in a bad mood. I decided before I went to bed that I had no intention of bringing that day onwards it’s negative momentum would be put to rest that night while I slept and the next day I would start the day from a place of positive momentum. And do you know what? That decision happened I got what I wanted and started the day from a fresh point of attraction, a positive point of attraction.