What’s coming up next?

Well when I first began to wonder about the question I realised my original idea has to change. I haven’t been able to take part in NANOWRIMO like I had planned and hoped I could and would have, although I did begin starting to look at the project ideas and begin planning what I want it to be like I have struggled to even begin to get the words down on paper.

So I know this isn’t the ideal situation I was hoping for. I found myself with a lot of half started stories this year, and only a couple of them have been finished. So what do I want to do with the remainder of 2017? Well… I am going to do something naughty. I am going to post the first three chapters of the big project around Christmas time, so stay tuned. But I warn you, those three chapters of the big project over the Christmas period are likely to be all that is ever shown in a preview on here until I have an agent/publisher and a publishing contract and date etc all sorted out. Yes, I know that is mean, just giving a little teaser and taster of a project I have honestly loved writing. I am still hunting for the agent and publisher so it probably is a bit mean to be saying here this is the great big project I have been preparing for, for the last seven or eight years. But that being said, seven or eight years is a long old time to be working on something. I love this story and I can’t wait to share it but right now this is all I feel like it is time to share.

But that is not enough I know. So this year will see the start of a project I wrote a while ago and that has had a bit of editing from its first draft of horror to this draft of shame… in the hope that it could be more of what I wanted it to be like. It had a little bit of a make-over, which it sorely needed, and I think my way of writing has evolved and changed since then so of course editing was very painfully cringe-y. I enjoyed writing this story the first time because it meant a lot to me that I had been inspired by the wonderful strong women I know. So that will start this year and be adjusted into next year’s new post structure/schedule. So I will probably be releasing that in its chapters and I will release that as a whole next year on amazon kindle so keep your eyes peeled. It’s called Darling Daughters and will begin to appear on here VERY soon.

So what is happening to The Diary of Elliot Parker? Well, I am continuing the project, it’s developed a life of its own and taken a few twists and turns already I can’t wait to share… I think Elliot Parker is here to stay for a while, just how much post time it gets over the next year is debatable, it will return in the new year to share some screen space with Darling Daughters… I love writing TDEP and I am reluctant to let it go just yet. It’s a hell of a lot of fun to write.

Hopefully with any luck I will also be able to begin to work on the project I had planned to do for NANOWRIMO, get a good plot hashed out and ready to write, write that and then hopefully it will be ready to appear some-time next year. I just need to get a few projects done… ok more than a few. I think there is a to do list that is longer than I am tall… I will get it done though. I refuse to fall into the abyss of worrying too much about the to do list to actually get it done. It’s just going to take some time… So yes I know I am currently borrowing time like crazy, but I will get some exciting new projects and work written up soon! I promise.

So I know this isn’t exactly what I planned. But I have to roll with it, life is a bit unpredictable so I am going to be working even harder now than I was before to make sure I am releasing the best work I can on here for you to read.

May luck and adventure be on your side.

ARA xx

 

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Ninety :.

My name is Elliot Parker and right now, I don’t know what to say. Well, I do but I don’t.

The thing is, I am foggy about some things and I am clear as day about others and that all comes from taking each day as it comes.

Adrian is inconsistent again, more I have work for you to do but never sends it, then calling to tell me he is trying to pull a few strings for a part time job. I suppose that is why I think I am taking the most relaxed approach to his invite for the couple of days away because I just want to see some follow through and consistency from him. I know it sounds selfish, to want to see some consistency and follow through but I don’t know. I think I am finally taking less of an uncertain approach to the friendship trying to work out how it works or how to make it work, instead I think I have finally become more laid back about it. Like there is less of an emotional risk for me.

I think things are working out for me, overall. I have a job that fits in with my life and I don’t feel like I have to bend over backwards or cut parts of myself away to fit in which is exactly what I wanted. I think that is a great manifestation and I hope the positivity around it continues. So work is good. Getting on with Adrian is good (speak of the devil and he shall text- nothing major he was just checking in).

But I think, I have noticed some distance and a bit of a rift between myself and Clover. We seem to orbit each other less at the moment, I know I have been busy and there is that feeling of distance. It means that when we do talk to each other it’s a lot at once, like cramming in a revision session just before an exam if that makes sense.

So I suppose I have seen proof that things work out for me when I give up the resistance, so hopefully I am less resistant to winning the lottery soon, that would be a great fun experience.

So, Dyl and I are still talking. We are getting on fairly well. I suppose it’s safe to say I could see how easy it could be to develop feelings for him, if that hasn’t already started. I suppose I am being a bit hesitant. I don’t like running the risk of getting hurt. Don’t get me wrong I like taking risks, but I think the last few years of being burned from taking risks and loosing even though the benefits out way the being shot down I guess I got used to the being shot down so often that it made taking a risk a bit more dangerous no matter how I felt. Running the risk of getting hurt stopped mattering until it was someone new I might be taking a risk on, someone I can’t exactly predict.

All I can say is it feels different, sometimes a little like you can just feel how different they are as people. When Dyl kisses you, it’s gentle and soft. I suppose he must watch quite a few movies with romance in or something, the way he just knows how and where to hold you closer. Sometimes it just feels surreal, like the affection is comforting and endless when we were sat talking on the sofa, it was just effortless in a way, the way he held my hand and the flirting. I guess it feel warmer. Like there was less of a barrier between us, less unspoken I suppose. Not like we were repressing what we were thinking or feeling or trying to be in complete control of ourselves.

I hate to do it and I don’t want to, but comparing Dyl to Adrian isn’t going to work when they are very different in many ways, not a bad thing or in any bad way, it just feels like a very bad idea to start running those questions into some air. They don’t need to be asked or answered.

Take each day as it comes remember.

My name is Elliot Parker, sometimes I just wish I could disappear into another less complicated world where I don’t ever need to think.

I am ready for a nap. Just to disappear into another dream. I haven’t dreamed of the room with the books or where it leads for a little while. I haven’t dreamed of anything strange like that for a long old while. I wonder if the room is gone or its just locked to me for a while. Part of me wishes I could find out what is happening to the dream when I am not there, if anything ever happens when I am not there.

I suppose it has been a long old day.

I wonder what I would do if I won the lottery, it’s a nice fantasy, a lovely image. I’d make myself a nice little home probably. Somewhere just right for me, somewhere I can do my thing and not worry about annoying someone else, I could have a purple living room, maybe even consider open plan. Maybe I could do something crazy like have a cool little garden that has herbs like mint and basil and oregano all over the ground instead of grass. A herb turf sounds like more fun than regular old grass… maybe my garden would always smell herby and fresh, might be nice in the summer. It would smell ready for a splash of vodka and lemonade… not that I really drink but it would be a nice idea. And hanging baskets filled with strawberry plants or tomatoes? Something silly like that, an edible garden. Though with a dog I doubt I would want to eat or use the turf but the dog would probably smell good.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available  on amazon! Out NOW… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I must admit I wonder if my moral compass might be broken at times.

So I think I mentioned I manifested myself that little old job that was just right and perfect for me. It still is, but here is where things get a bit difficult, I suppose. I developed a few friendships. One of which could have the potential to cause a few issues if we have a disagreement. The thing is it is possible because me being me, I am a reckless little thing and a bit of a risk taker. So I mentioned the friend last time I wrote here. The friend I talked about the idea of the perfect kiss with. I am sure you can guess; this friend is male. I’ve hung out and spent some time with the friend, we chitter chatter almost every day. We seem to get on well, he seems so far, to be a decent guy.

So I mentioned my moral compass, I only bring it up, because I spoke to Adrian yesterday. You see, he has offered to treat me to a couple of days away from things and go get pampered with him. Which is nice, I appreciate his appreciating the work I am doing for him in my free time. I suppose the moral compass comes into because I seem to have been the queen of no man’s land for so long that I wonder if I should find this trip idea strange. After all, when it comes to Adrian and I, hanging out is often something very physical, and to be honest, I kind of don’t want to venture down that physical path again at the moment. I am tired of being the queen of no man’s land when it comes to him, being friends is great, but I just don’t know if the trip would strictly be friends or any attempt at anything more and I should probably talk with him about it.

It’s difficult being in no man’s land. It’s difficult being physical with someone and not quite knowing the boundaries outside of that, like the unspoken type thing? Like yes I know I should be dating, and occasionally I do, I know that I shouldn’t be waiting on or for him. It took a little while to feel ready to move on and forward, it took a little while to feel like I could date someone with actual potential, someone I could genuinely get on with and not be concerned about waiting for someone to wake up and smell the bacon. So being stuck in no man’s land with someone who is a few thousand miles away and with someone I work with is probably giving me a bit of a headache.

So maybe this work friend isn’t just a friend but there’s not the boundary of the committed relationship again, hell when we first started chitchatting (as nothing more than friends) he had someone, they broke up and he was trying to get back with her. So it’s not like either of us set out with the intention of the physical aspect of the friendship. I just guess that without the talk and the boundaries being set or reassessed at any point soon I should just be taking each day as it comes.

Take each day as it comes- a phrase I shouldn’t find so annoying I just like knowing what I am doing and where I am going. It’s just who I am. But I think that is the only way I can take how things are going in no man’s land when it comes to Adrian or Dyl. It’s not like either one wants or has asked for some kind of commitment from me, until then, I am taking each day as it comes. I like them each for different reasons, but none of that really matters.

I wonder whether my friendship with Adrian has reached a point where it feels like its slowly approaching a fork in the road, it feels like, maybe sometime soon, maybe with the trip which may or may not happen (looking at past performance on follow through occasionally might give me a doubt or two)… that trip may well be the point where I have the option of recommitting to a second try or whether its time I set some boundaries for myself and how I feel and direct the friendship through the gates of the eternal friend-zone.

I suppose, none of it really matters, taking each day as it comes means I don’t need to be so concerned about the future and what’s coming and just enjoy the now. The now recently has been good feeling. Feeling good seems to create a bit of an orbit. I hold myself responsible for my own happiness and when I do that I can feel everything working out easily. I know Adrian pipes up more when I am happy. It is really weird. Being happy comes easily recently.

I just feel like everything is changing, I can feel that something amazing and wonderful is coming and I am lucky.

I think, Adrian is just about starting to realise that the passion he has for his career, I have for something in my life that is not yet profitable, but hopefully it will be very soon. Like he doesn’t need to push me to be a career woman because I do have a career, it’s just a case of me being aligned with it being a source of abundance.

I think, in contrast, Dyl just seems to be cool with my career goals. So I am not interested in making it fulltime and forever on my job and pursuing my own passion outside of work. I don’t think that is so bad. I keep being reminded to dream big, it’s nice.

I suppose it’s nice to know that people believe in me and what I do, in whatever way that its shown, my happiness seems to be important and not just to me.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I had a rather interesting conversation really. You know when you sort of get all philosophical and “what am I doing with my life” kind of feelings and you wind up having a deep and meaningful conversation.

I mean it started when I starting thinking about how Clover is sort of boy focused 100% that is all that seems to occupy her day mainly, or that is how she makes it seem. It was like one of those thoughts, we all have our obsessions, dreams of what we want in our future. A lot of that has to do with passions, and I suppose I have a passion, a few talents and gifts but my obsession is surely the passion but even then it doesn’t occupy my whole life in its entirety, at least not consciously. I suppose my reading material or what I watch is more in tune with my passion/obsession and there is something I look for in my down time. But even then, it doesn’t feel all-consuming all the time. Like it is ok to think of other stuff, and I suppose I see the struggle Clover has with thinking of other stuff and consistently implementing the changes that she is always saying she wants to make in her life. But my friend made a very valid observation “the heart wants what it wants”. That phrase has been hard to ignore and not think about aside from our conversation.

“The heart wants what it wants” sure that is great and all but what if you don’t know what your heart wants. What if every breath you take you feel different, what if you are in your passions or talents or things you are good at and you just feel different each time because you feel like you are constantly changing and evolving, for the better but still evolving and what you want evolves and changes as you grow. I suppose that is what they mean when they say about being on the leading edge of existence? Maybe I finally reached there and just live happy in a moment regardless of what is manifesting knowing that any remotely negative feeling won’t and can’t last, not really when the wellbeing and joy we have access to is so abundant?

Anyway somehow the conversation became a discussion over fantasy and what happens when you live in a moment. I started to think, like in a story or show or whatever sometimes you just see or read a kiss that seems entirely perfect and sure you want to try it but actually doing it is different because recreating fantasy doesn’t always translate well to reality because you start to over think. They said “life isn’t perfect it is about making and enjoying the most of the imperfections” that really resonated with me. So I asked what their idea of a perfect kiss, and I don’t know what I expected the answer to be but it surprised me. At first there was the reaction of “I don’t know” until it was given a moment of thought and the result was so eloquent. “A passionate one I guess, that comes from her when she is just in love and lust with me and I can feel her feelings through her soft lips, but glue like strength that just comes from her like she never wants that moment to end wherever we are in the world.” I just thought, wow, I had never expected that to be an answer I suppose I expected a scene or scenario or something like that but no, this was an emotionally based response that just catches you in the feels and makes you think, “wow that’s kinda right,” the most perfect comes from knowing how you can just feel that person needs and wants you in their life and for them this moment is just as perfect.

I couldn’t help but remember Adrian and I’s first kiss, it was one of those sort of perfect ones. Where you just needed that kiss and that proximity, and I know I will get that kiss again, that feeling that it is the most perfect thing right in that moment. I guess it’s weird, but I think after hearing the answer I was giving it made that first kiss pale slightly, not because it wasn’t perfect at the time, but that I think now I am a different person and I wondered if I would find the kiss to be just what I needed right now. I get how time changes you, but I know I would probably just be as playful as I am. I know I might possibly be a little bit of an advocate of the kisses that surprise you mid-sentence when you are caught completely off guard, whether or not you initiated it and you forget what you were saying or thinking and the world just dissolves and you might even forget about breathing.

I think a first kiss puts you in a bit of a bubble, but I wonder how many first kisses we forget… like sure we remember the feeling of, but picturing it can be harder. A soft little peck or a full blown kiss, what is it we are more likely to forget. I mean it can be easy to forget some things, but how someone can make you feel is different. You either feel safe with someone or you don’t.

I suppose I am just ready to settle down a bit, even though I am still following dreams like they are the only thing I breath. I still kind of want to settle down a bit, build a few roots while I am pursuing the future.

Looks like learning to love myself is going well huh? I am slowly deciding what it is I want in my life again, for what feels like the millionth time, I am just trying to feel more consistently like an energy match to my desires. Wherever that leads.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker; I am ready to start loving myself. I am ready to be ok with being this awesome version of myself. If I am honest, I am wanting to rampage a little, to just bask in the feeling of becoming a happier, brighter, stronger person. I am ready to just enjoy me. A little self-love isn’t a bad thing. A little self-care isn’t a bad thing. Some girls go get their nails and hair done. Some find a way to accept themselves as they are. There are so many ways to love yourself from what you eat to what you wear.

Sometimes, for me it just takes a song to start the process, to start that feeling where your body just feels alive. Where you can just feel yourself raising your energy, just being consumed with something that speaks to your soul. When there is so much that you want to be. When there is this image in your head of who you want to be.

So who do I secretly want to be? The girl that gets what she wants. Unlimited. I want to be unlimited entirely. I want to be that girl who breaks the chains that bind her to where she is and just soar. I want to defy the gravity around me. I want to join the birds and be able to just ride the winds. Like that feeling sat in a park, when the sun is starting to set and the birds are flying through the air and you just have to sit and watch them. Just look upon the freedom they have and loose jealousy and let it turn into this complete admiration. Let that admiration turn to freedom. I want the freedom, I have the freedom, I can choose it at every chance and instead I am realise I had been choosing the chains.

I am free, I am so close to soaring, I can almost taste it. I can taste the chill of the air. I can feel the flooding in my lungs of the air I breath being that bit brighter and cooler and lighter and just pulling me up to be this other part of myself. I release my resistance to enjoying the truth of my new games that I am loving myself when I give myself the praise I crave. I need no longer rely on others opinions of me I am whole as I am.

Another of my little self-love training games, is as I am walking about my day, as I am doing something I begin to think and play a game. Top to toe I list every part of my body and praise its traits, like for example, my hair is awesome, I love how strong and supple it is, I love how it curls on its own, I love how easy it is to look after, I love how sexy and playful it is… that game goes on, and if I am interrupted I pick up where I left off. I am really enjoying this new game. It’s a great, fun game. I am going to add a new game very soon; all the things I love about myself in the non-physical orientation. A little self-love is going a long, long way. I feel like I am doing better at loving myself than I have ever before. I am applying my lessons and games; I am applying my knowledge bit by bit. Sound silly I know, sounds simple, like child’s play, but I think we forget a lot as we become adults. I think as adults we can sometimes forget that being happy is important.

Being an adult is just one of those things that we wished time away for and now we know what being an adult is like we want to go back, I suppose it’s how we forget its ok to have fun and happiness in the now. Like being able to have fun and be silly and be happy is wrong because as an adult all these expectations are placed on our shoulders and we don’t know how to balance fun with this professional life we are meant to have. The lives that we are told that we want. The existences we are told we should be striving for; power we should be striving to gain.

I call bullshit. The only thing we need to do is be able to still allow happiness in our lives in small insignificant moments without this voice in our heads demanding complete professionalism. Professionalism, the bane of adult existence, it is not a thing we are born knowing, it is something that we are taught to be, appropriate. Our behaviour is measured to be appropriate from a small age, so that we can conform and walk a well-trodden path. That is something strange, those that carve themselves a new path are called trail blazers for a reason. Made special or unattainable, made right or wrong by consensus. But those making the consensus don’t always want to acknowledge they could be pursuing their truth without looking back, without being afraid of the consequences of being different. It astounds me sometimes how many people choose misery. When choosing bliss and happiness is just as simple. It is just changing one thought for a better feeling thought and chasing the path of what feels good.

I’m not saying go on a killing spree because it feels good. I am saying choosing a good feeling thought that makes you feel better and going on from there just keep choosing that good feeling.

It sounds so simple? Because it is. It takes some practice, but practicing is fun. Practicing needn’t be work.

I suppose with my new games; I am hoping this self-love relationship with myself is going to work out right. I will be free from self-sabotage because I won’t doubt that I am worthy or good enough. I am good enough. I can do anything because…

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator and I am always getting better!

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I feel like I am shedding myself again. I want to be someone else for a while, I want to escape into the whole of me. I want to enjoy the reality of who I am. I want to be ok with feeling the good and bad of myself. I want the bad to feel like nothing. I want the bad in me to be good, I want the good to be great, I want to lose all the resistance, all the things I used to think hold me back. Because at the end of the day I feel like I am out growing myself again.

I just feel like it’s time to embrace myself again, find a way to love myself again. Its wrong wording to say I am tired of waiting but I am sure there is a better phrase. Probably the best wording would be I am ready for my complete allowing, I am ready to enjoy my life. It’s been a while since I wrote here, it been a long old while and so much has changed and so little all at once.  I suppose it is safe to say, I am ready. I am ready for all the most wanted desires to flow easily and freely into my existence right now. I am ready to manifest a million dreams come true. I am ready to feel abundant. I am ready to feel love; I am ready to feel every wonderful thing I have been avoiding feeling for a while. I am ready to just exalt my spirit for a while, let it be present in the ecstasy it was born from. I am ready to just feel the connection with my higher self, the stronger self.

Adrian and I, we are just as distant and complicated and close to what I want. He might be able to get a job closer to me, by a few miles to say the least. But that’s the thing isn’t it, about love. It isn’t destroyed by distance, probably more so from neglect. But even with our on and off radio silence, its ok, I am still living life.

I’ve been thinking recently. Playing a game with myself “who do I love?” It’s not so much a trick as fixing some old habits. See for the last few years my answers would start with Adrian and eventually end in myself. That is what I have been changing I ask myself the question “who do I love?” That is when I say my answer, but my first answers must be conscious, so I am changing it slowly so the answer begins with myself and then I can list the names, it’s taking time. I suppose it can be hard to learn to love yourself after you neglect the only relationship that is with you between birth and death- the relationship with yourself. Well I am fixing that, I am trying to show myself a little love at every chance. I want to live a happy life.

My name is Elliot Parker and I think it’s funny that it has to be a conscious choice to push for and pursue a happy life. Some people do it naturally, some learn it, others never even know that it is an option to just exist in moments where you just feel like something beyond yourself.

Have you ever just had a knowing like typing with your eyes closed because you know where all your keys are. Have you ever just had a knowing that you can tell a misspelling with your eyes closed, it’s a s strange feeling to be able to do something so naturally and as easy as breathing, something you can do without thinking about it, without each movement being a conscious decision. That is exactly what happiness should be. Something that you don’t have to think about, something that you don’t have to make a conscious decision to be. That idea just feels beautiful. Learning to love yourself can be harder, at least at times it feels like it.

There’s that saying, if I remember rightly it sort of goes along the lines of you have to love yourself before you can love someone else truly. But I think it does disservice because you can love others and hate yourself, it just ends with self-sabotage. But that is not all I am thinking. I am getting to that thought on the tip of my tongue, I can love myself and be ok with putting how I feel first, then I can love others. It is a disservice to learn to love yourself so you can learn to love others how they want. I think that learning to love yourself puts you in a position where their love has less of a hold over you. Like, it isn’t meaning less, but it is less prominent, less the be all and end all. It is a truer freedom to be able to survive without others to love and focus on.

That’s a sort of truth I hadn’t considered. It is easier to love someone else than to love yourself. That is how and why we get caught up in loves outside of ourselves. But I am coming to the conclusion that the internalising of love is for the best, for me at least. I think learning to love the good and bad of me will give me the freedom I am yearning for. I always find myself yearning from freedom. Wanting to shed my life, shed some old version of myself, shed some out dated version of who I thought I was, who others assume me to be.

Part of me thinks, that if I love myself it means that I will be shedding the chains that are twisting around me, if I love myself the importance of others love or fascination with me will be meaningless, I will feel endlessly better than holding myself worth in another’s perception of me. I am good enough. I am worthy.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except not here it’s not. Here I am Ellianor Parkrovia.

As of five minutes ago, I am the Queen, and I am furious.

“You lied” the words tumble out of me, before I pull myself back. The disbelief causes a fog buzzing in my ears, I can’t think, not logically, not as a queen. My anger is evident to even a blind man. I am radiating a fiery heat of anger, the room is hotter, not just me, the air around me shimmers from the anger bubbling like the volcano burning my skin. My blood feels thick; it itches in my veins. I know there is no way I could manage a mask with this rage bursting me at the seams. The focus of my anger, a new found intense hatred I know I can’t escape. Our fates are bound and all I want to do is kill him, my husband of fifteen minutes ago.

The guests around the room are a deadly silence, waiting. I can feel hands on me pulling me away from the lifeless forms of my parents. Their touch on my burning skin feels like ice, cutting through the heat creating a new agony. I spring free of them and launch myself at my husband his lies fill the air and I can feel myself choking.

I wake up in a cold sweat. I look at the sleeping figure next to me. The boat rocking gently. I place my hand over his heart and reach into where his dream should be, but it’s a dreamless sleep for him, until now. I slowly pour the dream into him, so he sees every fraction of a second from my eyes. I push every feeling into him. He begins to wriggle under my hand trying to free himself of the dream. It’s not a safe process. I can see the vein in his neck twitching faster. He is drowning in my grief. I pull myself away slowly and let the dream sit and settle and he begins to wake. I lay still next to him, pretending to be asleep.

I feel him looking at me, watching. I turn over so my face is hidden, his fingers fumble in my hair, pulling strands from my face, laying it out behind me.

I feel the pain of the dream beginning to fade, I remind myself what it was, a dream, nothing more.

The fingers rearranging my hair have stopped, for a moment. I take a deep breath, a relaxed at ease feeling takes over as I release the dreams hold over me completely. The moonlight is swaying from the sea. I feel the soft fingers return to my skin, being so gentle that they could barely be there, I remember the island cave. The closeness, the protection, the lie.

His fingers are replaced by his lips, it’s harder to fight the hurt of the lie. His kisses fall behind my ear, at the back of my jaw, down the side of my neck. I can’t help it, the shiver down my spine made me move, I roll back on to my back and open my eyes. I could feel him near me before my eyes adjusted to the newfound darkness, the moon behind a cloud. His face so close to mine that his breath crossed mine for a brief second before his lips were on mine. Is this what guilt looks like?

I stop the kiss. Before weakness over takes me and I start a new one. Its hungrier than I meant it to be. I pull away a little and he follows after me and pulls me back into a kiss that could have lasted forever. If it wasn’t for that nagging inside of me that kept yelling that I can’t trust him. The dream showed me that. The dream.

I back away completely and turn my head. I can hear the frustration in his sigh. My own frustration is torn; I pull him towards me for another kiss. Get some control of yourself. I am fighting myself when I kiss him and when I don’t. I’m fighting myself more than I fight him and no matter what there is no way I can win. Fighting myself is frustrating. I pull away and this time I stand putting distance between us I walk across the cabin, not far, but far enough that we aren’t touching.

“This is ridiculous.” His voice is breathy and frustrated. He isn’t wrong, but letting myself kiss him feels twisted. I hate him and want him all at once. I respect and despise him all at once and I can’t decide what I feel most consistently. His presence is a destructive storm around me, seductive and alluring but ready to decimate whatever I feel. I can’t decide how I feel about him or how I am meant to feel about him. One minute I want him more than anything, the next I want him out of my life for good. More often than not, I want him, the best of him. I want the man I believed, believe in. I want to be near him, to feel that strange buzzing energy in my body that flows from head to toe. The way his lips press on mine, the way his hungry kisses make me forget whatever was on my mind. The way his touch sets my skin on fire at every tiny point of contact. The way I feel safe and on edge all at once when we are alone.

The fog is lifting in the room, for me at least. I sit on the edge of the bed; his fingers graze the small of my back reaching out for me. I sit back and finally lay down next to him. My back to him, I reach behind me and take his hand in mine before getting comfortable again. “The one thing, I hate the most about you, you make me love you.” My voice drowsy as sleep pulls me back under.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. For about two, maybe three weeks after I decided what I wanted there was a bit of radio silence. I got to sit in that knowing of what I wanted, and there were a few tests from the universe. Temptations perhaps is too strong a word, but appealing options maybe a better word. But even with distractions and temptations, what I want hasn’t changed. But how I want it has changed. Before it was wanting something and believing it will happen. Now I am wanting it because I know it will happen. I keep trying to understand this deliberate creation, I keep trying to understand life and the world and my physical body.

It sounds weird doesn’t it, wanting something for the reason that you know it will happen (because you want it). But there are different ways we want things, different reasons. Some because we believe we can’t have them, when we believe that we can’t have it we amplify its absence. Sometimes we want something because we believe it will make us happy, which is often the case, but when we get it we wonder why we aren’t happy and we start wanting something else.

My wanting and knowing statement when I thought about what I wanted was specific. I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

It was specific and it was certain and it was knowing and most importantly I know it will make me makes me endlessly happy because I get to enjoy where I am and where I am going.

So yes there were two to three weeks of barely any talking until we got chatting again, as regular patterns dictate. Adrian and I gravitate towards each other. He has saved my ass in those weeks when we have talked, he was my knight in shining armour. Now we are chatting again, properly. I love the way it feels when we talk, like it is effortless. I suppose to return the balance of his knight in shining armour-ness, (I’m not used to being rescued) I was happy to agree to help Adrian when he asked for a favour. He wants helps with some coursework, like what could be called proof reading. I want to do it, not because I love science, but because I want to help him, not because he can’t do it himself, but because I like being a part of his life. It’s like being included. I suppose I like feeling needed. I like being there for him. Even if I get frustrated sometimes.

So yeah, I am going to enjoy doing something different for a short while, a bit of science.

I am enjoying the small steps and natural conversations I am having while what I want is manifesting perfectly. The universe is conspiring with me, the deliberate creator. I love it. I do feel like things are falling into place so perfectly, like I am becoming who I want to be. I am allowing myself to be confident, enchanting and worthy. I am allowing who I am and how I want to define myself to expand. It’s fun.

I like that life right now feels like it is just at my fingertips. All the good feeling thoughts are coming to me easily. What I desire is coming easily and swiftly and its drawn by teeny tiny choices. I get to choose whether or not I want to enjoy things and I get to decide, yes this is what I want, I get to choose to be happy every second of the day and every second of the day it feels like a rapturous joyousness that calls you to happiness. In moments, that are dull and boring and I just want them to be over I take a moment to realise what I am thinking and I choose my mood. I get to choose how I feel and as soon as I realise I am not feeling happy I decide that I want to feel happy. Once that decision is made I start looking for the thoughts that will make me feel happy. I look for those thoughts and they come sometimes harder sometimes easier than I expect. But they come and they grow and soon I am in that happy place again. I am a perpetual happiness magnet. Did I mention that Adrian makes me happy? Because I am not sure how accurate that is, because I make me happy and he is something I put my attention on and feel good about. So in a way, just the thought of him, the mention of his name or the thought of those beautiful eyes, they can make me feel good from just the observation of their existence. I like being happy, being happy is good and important.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker, according to what is deemed to be reality. But here, I am someone else, here I am the Princess Ellianor Parkrovia. I ran away from an arranged marriage, a tactical alliance on behalf of my parents.

I ran away and jumped on a ship, with the Captain’s consent I became the stowaway girl. His power challenged mine, but he helped me to run away. Our ship was under chase, so we abandoned it and landed on an island. The Captain maintained his power, no matter my resistance. We were under chase and discovered tunnels in a cave. We used the tunnels, and a little magic to escape the tunnels and take a ship. The ship left and we took to the sea again. That’s where the truth was discovered. The Captain, is not exactly a captain, but he is the Prince that my parents had arranged for me to marry. He kept me on the ship even when we reached the docks of my home. Prince Adrian Ferislekraig is a dick. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes resisting him seems futile. When you are drawn to someone like that, I don’t think the freedom of choice really exists.

If I want to make it to land I have to co-operate. If I want to escape, I have to be clever. If I want to run, I need to run far and fast. I know that this is what I want to do. But what I want to do, what I must do, is very different. What I must do is for everyone else, my parents and my people.

“Sit” I command. Glaring at the man who made me believe he was nothing more than the Captain of the ship, at least as the Captain I didn’t hold him in contempt. Part of me, a huge part of me wishes he was nothing more than the Captain and that the feelings I had developed for him wouldn’t have caused this conflict. He sits down and looks at me.

“This hostility won’t work well in our marriage.” He smiles, I hate the charming energy he exudes. The way his smile makes his cheeks dimple winds me up now. Everything he does winds me up now. Finally, he sits on the edge of the bed.

“This won’t work.” I say.

“What won’t?” He pulls at the threats on the top sheet.

“Telling me what to do, telling me who I should be.”

“I think it will.” Refusing to take me seriously is getting on my last nerve right now. “At what point did you win any of your power challenges?” I glare at him. “You have too much to lose little Princess. You care too much and I care too little.”

“You care. You want an easy marriage.”

“Correction. I want you. Your compliance and co-operation in the marriage is a bonus.” He smiles, but this time, he reaches out his hand and takes me by my wrist. He tugs, and pulls me forward so that I collide with him with the rocking of the ship. I bang my shins on the edge of the bed. I pull away and move to sit on the bed so I can rub my shins, he apologises and tries to rub where I am. I had never noticed before that hurting your shins radiates down the bone from knee to ankle. I swore out loud. He looks at me, brown eyes soft. He isn’t wearing a mask, not with me anyway. I could have sworn, for a moment, with all the pretence of power being irrelevant, I saw something close to fear flash over his features.

“Correction, you don’t actually want to hurt me, do you?” I watch his features change while he tries to respond. Maybe if he doesn’t want to hurt me he won’t maybe he would prevent it. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t want to make an enemy of me.

Instead of answering me he stops rubbing my shins and looks me in the eyes. We are locked in this gaze and I just wish I knew what he was thinking, really deep down. I feel like I should know, that I could know, but I am uncertain. Is that uncertainty stemming from him, or from me? He tucks a lock of hair that had fallen away, his fingers brush my ear, falling softly down the side of my neck. The brush of his fingers sends sparks throughout my body. I feel warmer, reminiscent. I can’t stop the twitch of a smile that grows from the corners of my mouth, they are acting of their own accord. Sometimes just sometimes, I see this softer, gentler side of him. When he isn’t focused on what he wants in a practical, logical way, there is this softness and warmth about him. When he behaves in a way that has no ulterior motive. When he behaves in a soft and caring way, when he is wholey present in a moment, I can see how I fell for him. I can see why, and for a moment I don’t feel angry with myself for feeling responsive to my addiction to him, to his proximity and his care. To feeling that quiet peace from my core that still hums with anticipation and wanting. Feeling wholey his for that time when I can see this gentle side without a selfish motive. To see that genuine, generosity with how he feels. I know he cares in that moment. I know he cares. But in mere seconds his demeanour will change. He will return to his logic and reason and mission and this moment will fade to a memory.

That is how I know, by some magic I have fallen in love with memories and a memory of glimpses of all that I wanted being just within reach. I turn away from him. I hear him sigh and stand up. He walks from the room and I am alone, again.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker I am a deliberate creator and I created just what I needed… I had been thinking that I needed to find a nice little part time job, a few hours a week, something easy and consistent. A while later when I gave up my resistance to it there was a notice board with tantalising details out the front, “Part time, temporary”… and I was sold. So I applied. A few days later I get a phone call asking me for an interview, a week later. I was nervous. Like really nervous…

So skip forward to the interview. I am dressed smart, feeling self-conscious, I get there a little bit early, still nervous, I get sat in the canteen and wait.  A few minutes later the man interviewing me arrives. Holds out his hand which I shake and he has the bluest eyes… ever! Ok maybe not ever but you can see them from a distance. So we go to the interview room, I sit down as asked. The questions start slowly, I am nervous, and I am sure it shows. I play with the button on my blouse sleeve trying to sound reasonably competent. I slowly become more aware of my body language playing with the button and stop. I minimise my allowed nervous fidget to my hands holding one another trying to maintain some kind of composure. Trying to think of something sensible and clever something other than “oh my, oh my… those blue eyes…” He had really blue eyes. Insanely blue. So anyway I manage to pre-empt a few answers and give some great textbook perfect answers. I slowly begin to feel a bit more confident. By the end of it I walk out that interview feeling like I did a good job. I was told all about the process of the application and induction progress and it was great. I said good bye at the end of it and walked out of there feeling good and lucky.

So a few days later, I wondered if I would get the call. So anyway, a few more days later and I had spent a while trying to focus on other things and if I do think about the job think of it in a positive way. So anyway, I went to a café and I found myself eating a lovely brownie, its important. The last few brownies I have had at café’s have been mediocre, this brownie was brilliant, gorgeous even. So there I was feeling good listening to a meditation eating this great chocolate brownie and the thought occurred to me “I wonder when I will get the call that I got the job.”

Ten or so minutes later I got the call. I got the job. The shifts are on days that work for me. It just seems to have really fallen into place. I am definitely not disappointed. I’m nervous but not disappointed. It seems that it was a very receptive day. I mean, after I got the call I thought that I might like to see the guy who interviewed me in passing, I did.  I wanted to see Adrian too. Well I saw Adrian after all. Even after Clover interfered. A miracle I know considering the last two times he bailed. This time I wanted to see him more than my resistance was strong.

I mean even though hanging out was cut short, I ended up a bit miffed, but its ok. I sort of had to stop myself from being grumpy about the abandonment because that is my issue and not completely his fault. His friend needed him, I was mad because my nose was out of joint, I wanted to spend time with him in that bubble where the world outside, where problems and life doesn’t matter, good or bad. I needed reminding that he tried his best, I needed reminding that he is still learning and he will get it right in time. He cares, if he didn’t I wouldn’t have seen him to celebrate. He set out that evening with good intentions.

I had gotten caught up in that weird thought, he wouldn’t ask me to marry him etc. I guess I realised that I want a home and a family with him. I guess I decided what I want, what I want to bring about into my life, so I suppose I can squeeze it on here. What do I want in relation to Adrian? A million dollar question?

I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q