Debbie Moon an inspiration.
For me, a *cough* 20 something, it takes a good story to pull me back to children’s TV. She did it! She got me back watching the CBBC channel to watch Wolfblood. After stumbling on to the show to see what it was one afternoon, after seeing adverts after Young Dracula, something I watched as a child, I thought “why not see what happens?”
Well that got me hooked. It is such a brilliantly written and produced show!
I must say, when my friend Tom was helping his boss arrange the literacy fair in Wales, I did suggest, repeatedly that he should invite Debbie Moon. Well, even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to go down there and see and get to see her in person. It was still pretty great because he got praise from his boss because Debbie Moon agreed. I am so happy that the days I spent nagging my friend to “invite her already” worked out.
But she is pretty cool… actually pretty cool, I follow her on twitter, I have even had a couple of replies on occasion from her, and she is absolutely brilliant. I do end up fan-girling occasionally… But yes I do need to include her as an inspiration.
Why do I consider J.K. Rowling an inspiration?
Well… That is pretty simple really. I grew up in the Harry Potter generation, I had gotten to the point where very few books were able to capture and hold my attention, and she still has it. I am still a huge fan; I joined Pottermore in its early days, ended up in Slytherin. I have since come to terms with that and now have a great sense of Slytherin pride.
But, she is an inspiration. She was able to connect with so very many people and inspire them, to show the amazing things, amazing ideas and challenge the readers.
Not only that she has said she built her life from rock bottom and used that as the basis for the foundation of her life. That rings true and identifiable for me, I have had those times where you have to pick yourself up and rebuild your life from the bottom up. That is one of the hardest, bravest things to do at times.
I owe J.K. Rowling for making my child hood that much more bearable, magical and inspiring. I could never thank her enough. She has changed the world millions of times over.
Why such a drastic edit, give me a link?
Well… I butchered it a bit. I got hold of the original without all the smooth polished editing. I edited a tiny bit, making it a tiny bit less confusing. Oh and then I totally cut off the last five maybe original chapters like it was Frankenstein’s monster’s head and replaced that with what I now wanted to say, what I felt was most important to say.
The whole book when I first wrote it, it was the most overwhelming task I set myself, I find it very hard to read and look at so this edit with it full of those initial thoughts and emotions made me feel like I was contending with a mountain, a huge one. But the more I did it the more I realized I am no longer who I was, I am a lot healthier and much better for having taken those initial steps, the initial need to really challenge and confront myself.
Ah the link as I promised
Why did I re-edit?
I could never be happy with how it was first released. I have returned it to its original most raw copy and just edited it lightly. I want to replace the slightly more “polished” version for the one that is so much more honestly raw. I don’t want it smooth and glossed and shiny. I want it much rougher, much more confrontational. I want it to be as confrontational as it was when I first put the words into motion. I wanted to confront things, I wanted to teach things, I wanted to challenge you.
I have decided that the ending however, that was pure crap in my opinion. It was too light and fanciful. I didn’t want you to think that I half assed the end when so much was emotionally confronting throughout. That felt like a betrayal to the characters. So I had to take a little drastic action.
Reading the rawest pure form of this story, it has cut me like a knife every time I look at the page but I knew I had to re-edit this to finally be able to close the door on this story.
How does it feel re-editing Breathing Smog?
Honestly? It’s horrific. There is so much that I had forgotten over time since the very first draft of this story. Since I wrote this I moved on, I tackled larger projects. Projects that have been the polar opposite of Breathing Smog. And that change between the two has given me the perspective to look and compare my writing style from when I first began to now. Re-editing, it has been truly hard. I have contended with criticising my earlier style and method and vision for how the book was meant to be. But I have also contended with the emotions it brings up and reintroduces back into my system. It has been quite traumatic to a point.
This story, is responsible for where I am now, in terms of what the initial idea and processes have given birth to. This book, this story, is what first got me into writing and telling a story that I think is important. To give air to something to perhaps help someone else either by telling them they are not alone, things can get better. Or even if someone is going to ignore their instincts that tell them to run, maybe they should just take a moment to ask themselves why the instinct to run is so strong? What is it they really want to achieve by ignoring the warning signs that are showing? Honestly no one deserves all of those negative emotions, all of those experiences, and if anyone who reads this, if it has struck a nerve or hit you hard emotionally; part of me wants to apologize and say that I am so sorry that you have ever identified to the pain in the story, and the other part of me wants to congratulate them for surviving it and for being strong. While whoever it is I am speaking to directly now is that has ever experienced or felt some of these emotions is, I want them to know, they are amazing.
It takes real strength to survive, confront it and in time heal from a wound that feels like it will never ever close. All it takes is time, being kind to yourself, and remembering you are so much stronger, braver, more powerful emotionally than whatever it is that has hurt you and you will be able to have the choice between total self destruction, rock bottom, and in time, healing the wounds that are there and going on to have a happier life.