How does it feel re-editing Breathing Smog?
Honestly? It’s horrific. There is so much that I had forgotten over time since the very first draft of this story. Since I wrote this I moved on, I tackled larger projects. Projects that have been the polar opposite of Breathing Smog. And that change between the two has given me the perspective to look and compare my writing style from when I first began to now. Re-editing, it has been truly hard. I have contended with criticising my earlier style and method and vision for how the book was meant to be. But I have also contended with the emotions it brings up and reintroduces back into my system. It has been quite traumatic to a point.
This story, is responsible for where I am now, in terms of what the initial idea and processes have given birth to. This book, this story, is what first got me into writing and telling a story that I think is important. To give air to something to perhaps help someone else either by telling them they are not alone, things can get better. Or even if someone is going to ignore their instincts that tell them to run, maybe they should just take a moment to ask themselves why the instinct to run is so strong? What is it they really want to achieve by ignoring the warning signs that are showing? Honestly no one deserves all of those negative emotions, all of those experiences, and if anyone who reads this, if it has struck a nerve or hit you hard emotionally; part of me wants to apologize and say that I am so sorry that you have ever identified to the pain in the story, and the other part of me wants to congratulate them for surviving it and for being strong. While whoever it is I am speaking to directly now is that has ever experienced or felt some of these emotions is, I want them to know, they are amazing.
It takes real strength to survive, confront it and in time heal from a wound that feels like it will never ever close. All it takes is time, being kind to yourself, and remembering you are so much stronger, braver, more powerful emotionally than whatever it is that has hurt you and you will be able to have the choice between total self destruction, rock bottom, and in time, healing the wounds that are there and going on to have a happier life.