The original birth plan was up in the air for a long while, I was very 50/50 on whether I would do a repeat caesarean. Eventually when we did the growth scans and it being another big baby (it was estimated 88th, then 76th then back to 86th centiles through the scans) I decided it was likely to be safer to repeat C section.

That meant that when it came to making the birth plan things were a tiny bit more straight forward. One thing we decided as a team was that we would schedule it for 39 weeks all being well.

Spoilers. All did not go to plan. At 37 ish weeks I went into maternity with what I assumed to be weird Braxton hicks that turned out to be contractions. Ok, being honest I was deluding myself trying to convince myself that they were Braxton hicks, Spoilers, they were not.

So, after an hour hooked up to a monitoring machine, contractions still going and getting a little stronger they decided to admit me for the night. My deluded ass having gone in with only a handbag assuming I was just going to be monitored for an hour told it was Braxtons and sent home. So the first night was a bit rocky. Given that I had to be stabbed in the ass with a steroid to hell little ones lungs. Told we would see how it went in the morning.
I severely doubt that I got more than an hours sleep that night between contractions that went on to the next day.

The Doctor came in in the morning and said they would be discussing me in the rounds in a bit to decide what to do as I still had another dose of steroids to do given that the contractions were continuing. She seemed a little disappointed I’d not magically given birth in my sleep which would have been a hell of a more interesting story.

Instead just after eating breakfast she walked in the room and announced the baby was coming that afternoon via C section and it was time for more steriods. So it was a long old wait till the afternoon.

C section was… well… it’s own kind of trauma to be honest they are terrifying.

Skip to later in the day, baby ok, kiddo 1 is ok, everyone ok.

Spent maybe 4 days in hospital before hospital food itself chased me away.

So far I’ve kept all my organs this time. So that’s a bonus.

Well… I hadn’t expected all this.

The day after the midwife appointment I got a call at like 8.30am from the maternity unit. They asked me to come in for blood tests. So of course my nosy self was like why?

Turns out my PCR (protein in the wee) previous result was 38, the sample the midwife sent off during my 36 week appointment apparently reached 130.

So in I go for blood tests, told to stay put and watch TV till they get results. Sent of more pee. Oh and blood pressure was taken about 3-4 times, within the normal range though thankfully.

Eventually the consultant was able to come in and chat. The bloods are normal but higher than the last time they took them. I had a few symptoms that we are keeping an eye on. So we were definitely looking at preeclampsia. Which didn’t help feeling so overwhelmed because that meant that there was a new plan from weekly monitoring moving into a visit every two days for pee, blood, and blood pressure. Did I mention I hate needles?

The countdown is ticking.

Around week 34 it became official the doctors were less tentative to say the words preeclampsia around me. Shortly after my last post I found myself in and out of maternity like a hot potato. Blood and protein still in pee. Weeks long headaches that started to become migraines. Some right sided pain. Puffy feet. You get the picture. At this point I officially considered myself to be over being pregnant.

We sorted out the birth plan, not that life often intends to go to plan but we will see. There’s not long to go either way.

By week 35 I officially felt ready to start the count down. Just a couple more weeks to hit the target and we can stay on island if all goes well. Fingers crossed.

36 week midwife appointment fun, the bingo card for things found in my pee was once again complete. Higher readings of protein and blood. So that’s being sent away. Fun times.

There comes a point where perfectionism can actively hinder creativity, especially writing.

Especially when you are stuck between doing and avoidance. Having been assigned therapy homework on perfectionism I can see its impact in my writing. I am avoiding doing writing because I feel the need to “get it right the first time” right now instead of getting it out so it just exists which is massively counter intuitive.

Not only that but once it is done or as I am doing it, I find myself constantly going over it to make sure everything is “as it should be” causing more delays and dissatisfaction in my writing and myself.

Honestly the therapy modules for dealing with severe perfectionism and its impact are hard as hell. I can see why it has escalated the problem of writers block lately. I know I mentioned being in a writing slump not long ago. Its just one of those uncomfortable things right? Surely?

I don’t know. I wish I had more answers but at the same time I am aware a lot of this is me getting in my own way and I am ready to stop causing myself unnecessary stress. Part of that is dealing with the mental health aspect, I will get there and I will lay off the pressure on myself and my anxiety about getting back into it and having to get it “Right” 100% of the time,

It’s like I keep trying to tell myself…

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT IT JUST HAS TO EXIST!

Well we are at 32 weeks in and the only thing I want to do is scream internally. Things are getting real.

We are now past viability but the stress hasn’t gone away. Of course it would be too smooth sailing to assume future offspring intends to behave. We keep finding protein and blood in my pee. Doesn’t help that I am starting to get a headache so now we are being extra careful at the moment. Because the word preeclampsia is being whispered “out of earshot”. So that’s not fun to be monitored for.

I am feeling the exhaustion setting in, but we expected that.

Offspring is growing so that’s at least some reassurance.

There is so much to get done and so little time.