There comes a point where perfectionism can actively hinder creativity, especially writing.

Especially when you are stuck between doing and avoidance. Having been assigned therapy homework on perfectionism I can see its impact in my writing. I am avoiding doing writing because I feel the need to “get it right the first time” right now instead of getting it out so it just exists which is massively counter intuitive.

Not only that but once it is done or as I am doing it, I find myself constantly going over it to make sure everything is “as it should be” causing more delays and dissatisfaction in my writing and myself.

Honestly the therapy modules for dealing with severe perfectionism and its impact are hard as hell. I can see why it has escalated the problem of writers block lately. I know I mentioned being in a writing slump not long ago. Its just one of those uncomfortable things right? Surely?

I don’t know. I wish I had more answers but at the same time I am aware a lot of this is me getting in my own way and I am ready to stop causing myself unnecessary stress. Part of that is dealing with the mental health aspect, I will get there and I will lay off the pressure on myself and my anxiety about getting back into it and having to get it “Right” 100% of the time,

It’s like I keep trying to tell myself…

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT IT JUST HAS TO EXIST!

Well we are at 32 weeks in and the only thing I want to do is scream internally. Things are getting real.

We are now past viability but the stress hasn’t gone away. Of course it would be too smooth sailing to assume future offspring intends to behave. We keep finding protein and blood in my pee. Doesn’t help that I am starting to get a headache so now we are being extra careful at the moment. Because the word preeclampsia is being whispered “out of earshot”. So that’s not fun to be monitored for.

I am feeling the exhaustion setting in, but we expected that.

Offspring is growing so that’s at least some reassurance.

There is so much to get done and so little time.

I suppose it was going to eventually happen. With a cross between being exhausted from hormones and just being plain exhausted by growing a human my writing mojo has really suffered.

Now I am at the point where I desperately want to get back into it but don’t know where to start.

I know I can’t be the only one to ever feel this way. Especially with the baby stealing all those brain cells it feels like.

Maybe a mental recap might help.

Where abouts was I?

Well I stopped in the later third of the first draft so the to do list feels a bit long for my liking. However, that being said it probably has a massive impact that I left it on a scene I am not 100000% sure how to write or how I want it written.

So how could I get back into it?

I suppose that is a million £ question. I might try re reading the last chapter, look at the notes I currently have for the chapter I need to write and go from there.

What do I really want to be writing right now?

Honestly I think I wan to write a bit of book 2 for the big project. I might actually make that the reward for finishing draft one and having a brief go at draft 2 to make it look a bit prettier. Then I could give myself a little break from it and write some of draft 1 of book 2 on the big project as a reward, maybe a few chapters.

Do I have an idea of writing plan?

Oh I could make one of those? That’s not the worst idea to be honest. I could plan what’s left for this project. Tick off some “reward chapters” and then plan the spin off to the project I am working on.

Yes I said spin off. I have an idea for a side character to get their story told a little.

What about querying?

Well, lets get draft two and an early beta or two in so that when I attack the next drafts I will know what I am really going to focus on.

Well, we moved. It was a stressful month.

Thankfully we passed the Glucose test as I mentioned.

I am still keeping these blogs fairly short ish and bi-weekly at the moment because my head’s definitely not in the game with being here.

We have started unboxing and even started setting up the “baby corner” so to speak. Very cute. Very in need of organising. VERY TIRED.

So leg cramps at night are a murder, waking up every 2 hours to pee also a murder. Pelvic girdle pain, much worse considering we have been moving. We will get there eventually.

I hate unpacking… I am the “I’m tired of this grandpa” meme right now.

Other than those grumbles all is ok. Got another midwife appointment soon and a scan booked for later in the week. The scans always give me anxiety on turbo speed but what’s new.

It has to be one of the nastiest drinks ever. Why is it so thick? And vile tasting?

It gives such bad nausea too.

Anyway… it was the hour long wait and holding down the urge to vomit that had me most tense during the test. No way do I want to repeat it.

Anyway… by some miracle I passed, but I don’t feel diabetic if that even makes sense. However, the consultant seems to think from reading between the lines it is inevitable that I will get it again.

I get more scans this pregnancy again because kiddo was in the 99th percentile. Honestly had no idea she was a 99er. I just thought meh its a big baby, nope she was a biiiiiig baby. She was already measuring big at this stage though which this one isn’t so I may be able to hold the ‘betes at bay a little longer with any luck.

Happy valentines day everyone.