The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I guess, I have been just as bad as Clover. To a degree at least.

I got so caught up on the way I felt about the ex, so often, that it became almost second nature. I got so caught up on the way I felt about her, it became second nature to perceive her as, I suppose, a bit of a problem. The thing is I keep trying to put myself first. I keep trying to feel better, and I don’t do anything about how I feel and relate to others. Clover is responding to how she thinks I feel. So she is being territorial and making a point of things. But it really isn’t necessary. Now Adrian is away again, I didn’t bother sending him any messages but he must still somehow be a part of my energy, whether it is in the subconscious, in dreams or whatever, but he sent me a message recently. So walking away isn’t so easy. But not willing to compromise what I want and how I want to feel is stronger, by far.

So maybe he won’t be completely out of my life. But we are friends I guess. I suppose.

So yeah so some of the stuff that annoys me about Clover, mainly her obsession with those lads who don’t even have her on social media anymore, I shouldn’t be so judgemental right? I mean, still being in love with my ex and wanting to move on still gets to me. I still talk about it. Probably a lot more than I should. I want to relax into not even letting it be something that remotely enters my mind.

Soon I will be thriving right?

Things will be easier right?

Right?

I’ve not spent much time with Clover the last week, we’ve barely chatted properly in a week. But then again, I can feel myself wanting to shut away from the world for a bit. Is that bad? To want to just avoid social media for a few days. Hell even a week.

Is that a bad thing? Wanting a week of avoiding people. To just do me for a week. A week isn’t long but it is manageable. So maybe I will disallow using my phone between certain hours. I suppose that is a way to see who wants me in my life. Maybe I will feel better for less screen time. I might build some great things to talk about with you. After all, the greatest way to get things off of your mind is to do something else. I want to let myself find out who I am. Get back in touch with how I feel and get a scope on how I want to feel and move towards that. I could find a way to feel luckier. I could find myself feeling happier. I could feel free, less tethered in.

I might do just that.

We will see… the best laid plans and all that.

I had a dream about that room again, I had a dream where I wasn’t alone. I guess that is kind of why I want to find myself. I want to know what I want. So anyway the dream? Adrian was there, he complemented at how tidy it was now. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say. I think he knows, that I have been putting myself first. I stopped being so patient. I think he knows that his conscious self has gotten in the way of what he asked me to do so many times. Waiting is just too hard. Being patient with him is just too hard. It’s too painful. I guess he couldn’t blame me. He asked me to keep trying and I’ve given up, I have given up the struggle of trying to be what he wants or needs me to be. We ended up creating a swinging chair in the room, one of those bench things that are suspended from the ceiling. We just sat there. Awkward was pretty much an accurate description. We sat there, made small talk and just let some time pass by, just hanging out being close to one another. After a while I ended up playing a movie on the wall, heaven knows how, but with a magical room like that, it doesn’t matter, we just watched the movie together.

It was nice I suppose, to see the him I know he wants to be. But it was hard, so damn hard to not feel angry that he just keeps getting in his own way. It’s frustrating in dreams and in reality. I can’t help how I feel.

Coming out of the dream, I felt weird. Coming out of the dream was like when a nice hot shower suddenly turns freezing and you jump out of the way of the water. A nasty shock. It’s pretty short lived I suppose, that shock, but it doesn’t make it comfortable. You end up feeling cold for a while too long. It was like that, where you feel out of sorts. I guess that is why I want to avoid my phone for a while. Get away from the gateway to being exposed to other people’s energies. I just need a break from muddying the waters and to just find out what I want. To just decide what I want without the disruption of what everyone else wants me to want.

I guess I want my energy to be so focused on what I want and who I am and where I am going that it is the most dominant feeling of knowing inside of me. I guess I need to just allow myself to be me. If I can do that, I might be able to get rid of this muddled feeling where I have no idea of where I am headed. I am ready to just know, to just know and be at ease with the feeling that everything will work out for me. whatever that looks like.

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except, right now… it’s not.

Pulling myself free from the kiss I can feel my back pressed against the wall. I smile weakly and let him step away. I pass by him and go to sit on the bed. I make a show of focusing on my hands. Tracing the veins under my skin with my fingertips. I am searching for a loophole. A way that I can get out of this place. Right now, I am sure he knows what I am doing, I am biding my time. This time when I run, I will get away from him, I don’t want to perform the ritual. I don’t want to die. It would take so much power to stop this ritual. To get away with syphoning that much unnoticed. That is a whole different issue.

“You can’t do it.” I look up at him, his eyes locked on mine.

“What?” I try to ask innocently.

“Escape. That kiss was to distract me wasn’t it?” I suspect what he wants to hear and what he will believe are two different things.

“Lying is your thing remember.” I say and turn my back to him. I don’t speak or move for an hour and I suppose the boredom got to him, he walked out of the room. I turn in time to watch the door close behind him. I stand up and walk as softly to the door as I can. The sea swells beneath the ship and jolts when I put my hand on the handle to get out. I hear footsteps returning to the door, so I hop lightly across the room and slip behind the desk. I watch the door handle turn and brace myself upright on the desk.

“You tried to leave.” He stares at me, not in disbelief but in disappointment.

“I need some air. I just wanted to walk on deck.” He looks at me, regarding me with suspicion. I try to pretend not to notice he hasn’t closed the door yet. It is a test and I know it. I want to be free and he knows it. It’s a stale mate. I watch him watching me and so I sit down in the chair behind the desk. I won’t escape on a risky attempt to run, not out at sea in an unknown place. I like risks, but this would be one I wouldn’t win. So I sit down and I see the surprise on his face. He walks in and closes the door. One step of good will and trust to be earned, ready to be broken when I can run, completely.

I look up at him as he takes steps further into the room. I half smile. Attempting to look as unthreatening and as innocent as possible. I watch him staring at me. He pulls something out of his back pocket and moves towards me, I shrink back a fraction into the chair. “You want to go outside you do it by my rules.” He spoke softly. Now standing between me and the desk and in his hand, something shining. A string of metal. With soft encouragement the metal began to move and manipulate. It began to snake up my wrist and his. “A manacle that can’t be broken or escaped from.” He told me. “You will be allowed outside, but only like this, attached to me. I have to be careful, you do have a habit of running away after all.” I glare at him. He begins to walk away and the metal snaked around my wrist pulls me upright and towards him biting into my wrist if I resist. “It will be less embarrassing for you if you hold my hand, the chain won’t be seen and you can keep some dignity and at least make it look like there is some trust that you won’t be running away.”

I glare at him holding out his hand to me. “Fine.” I take his hand and then I walk ahead and take the lead. I walk out on deck for the first time, and the deck is quiet. “Where is everyone?” I ask but he ignores me as I walk around on deck. There is nothing but sea in all directions. “Where are we?”

“A few miles from port.” But there is nothing but sea around us. I look out to sea, this time I focus. The glamour fades and we are in port. The ship has been docked. I recognise the land and buildings, we are home. I feel a bubbling anger growing. He had been syphoning my power for days convincing me we are still at sea and yet here we are. And he has me chained to him. I look at him. He is watching me. I turn and head back down into the cabin, he trails behind me.

“How long until we reach land?” I ask.

“A couple of days or so, we are using a magical tether so it shouldn’t take too much longer.” I nod and hold out my wrist for the chain to be unwound. He coaxes the chain down and slips it into his back pocket.

“What happens when we reach land?” I ask.

“We head up to see your parents together, as a couple ready for the ritual. We get married and we turn and then we become the most powerful beings around for many kingdoms.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” He repeats. An assassination attempt will be impossible after turning, impossible after the ritual of marriage. I smile, at least I try to. There has to be a way around this. Once we are married, we are tied together in life and death so it says. Killing him after will kill me. By my own hand killing the other ends us both. Our lives will be linked.

I stretch and walk over to the bed and fall back onto it. There has to be a way.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I may have changed, but some people haven’t.

I know, I know I said I was done with Adrian, but that doesn’t mean that I was going to be completely unreasonable. I gave him a chance, a two-week long chance. He had promised he would see me while he was back. Well, he flew back to work again last night. The promise, was as I am sure you can guess, not kept. Thing is, I wasn’t surprised. I stopped being surprised, I stopped feeling let down and disappointed I just got used to it. That is all. I got used to being let down so often that it has become an expectation. And that expectation, remains in my energy and so I am bringing more of that unwanted from him. Then again, I suppose, I am no longer willing to do the work to change that feeling about him. It is what it is. I won’t be going to visit him where he is working. I won’t be saying that his behaviour was ok. We were due to meet making plans that day to meet. Came to the time we were supposed to meet, no response. Read the message but no response. I ended up getting a message the next day that his friend turned up. I don’t understand how that stops him from sending a message to cancel. And there it is. That moment where you finally give up on something, someone that you wanted. Because, at the end of the day, I deserve better. I deserve to have promises kept, to not be let down or ignored.

I suppose it really could be the end of us even remaining friends from now on. I won’t be making the effort anymore. I won’t be waiting around anymore. I won’t be making things ok and better anymore. I just won’t be there like I used to be. Part of me is terrified that he won’t even see it or understand it, part of me is scared that he will never understand why I walked away.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But it does mean I finally understand my worth, it does mean I am learning to love and respect myself. I still love him, I think I always will, always.

I can have whatever I want. I can be whomever I want. I want to be me. I want to be Elliot Parker. But not just Elliot Parker, I want to be the best version of me, for myself, for who I am. Sometimes, I don’t even know who I am, I normally don’t think about that question, “who am I?” It doesn’t work for me. I end up in some complicated confusion and I just don’t know who or what I am or want to be.

I guess that is why it is better that I am letting Adrian go, letting the resistance and the struggle and the momentum go. Maybe it will make us both happier in the long term?

So, it happens. Probably should have happened a long time ago.

So how do I feel about that? Well that’s the thing, I don’t feel anything that strongly about it. Maybe a bit disappointed, but it just all feels, inevitable. That’s kind of sad I suppose. He was a huge part of my life, but it just seems like I was constantly making excuses or forgiving silly things over and over again, it was always the same thing so the lesson was never really learned. It was hard to accept how unhealthy it was for so long. But as leading a happy and healthy life became more important, making healthy choices became more important, and then consistently choosing a healthy choice became more important, and making exceptions to that, however much I love that person, just wasn’t enough of a reason. It’s not that there is no love there, it’s that I started doing what was right for me. So I stopped being so forgiving and understanding. I stopped responding to being treated in a way that didn’t make me happy. I have been slowly taking a step back. One at a time. To be honest, I don’t think he has even noticed.

Maybe it is for the best.

It is probably for the best.

I just hope that he gets what he wants, that it is all that he hoped it would be.

So maybe it’s not a love story, I never got the reconciliation I thought that I wanted. I got something else instead though. I found myself, which is I suppose, in a way, a better love story. It just still feels so open ended. Does closure even exist?

How many stories do we read and watch on TV where the characters get back together or the break up is clean and simple? How many times do we see that kind of hope story that makes us believe its ok to hold on? I don’t know if I can hold on anymore when I am walking away from what was. I am not even the same person I used to be, if I can accept that why am I not wanting to acknowledge that it is ok for my feelings to change and evolve. If I can accept that I am not the person I was and it is ok to love the person I am now then perhaps this story really isn’t even over, perhaps it really just is the beginning.

Perhaps this is just sort of becoming the end almost of the beginning, you know that part just before when things start making sense?

I don’t know. It is possible. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Right now, is not everything that will be. After all, all this time, I have been learning that I am a deliberate creator.

My name is Elliot Parker; I am a deliberate creator.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I have changed.

There is no use pretending I haven’t.

There is no use in pretending that my feelings haven’t changed.

Another chance to keep a promise, another chance to live up to potential, another chance again and again and again and again.

Except, when do all those chances ever end? When does it stop? Being let down, being handed excuse after excuse, being disappointed when I know how easy it would have been for that to not be the case. I know how preventable it is. How easy it is to change. How hard would it really be to be to take a chance and actually do something with it that didn’t make me feel bad or regretful for giving another chance. Stop repeating the mistakes of the past.

Well that’s it isn’t it. The definition of insanity is repeating the same events or actions and expecting different results. I have given a very clear opportunity for a second chance and an excuse was given. I can’t keep doing the same thing, so now I have been putting myself first, putting my happiness first, the change is clear. It’s a good thing though. Just not to those used to receiving infinite chances and opportunities. I am not that person anymore.

I am a forgiving person. I am forgiving myself, for all the past mistakes, all the past negative feelings, I FORGIVE MYSELF. It is the past, it is done. It is not where I am now, it can’t drag me back, I am taking the power from what was and what is… because I know what is coming is unbelievable and wonderful.

That’s the thing isn’t it, I finally have reached a place of power and a place of peace in being a deliberate creator. I ride my power in waves, slowly I am getting better, sometimes, I am in complete control. Sometimes I am in total freefall waiting for the momentum to subside so that I can stand again and begin again. Each time I stand back up, the certainty, the surety, the security, the knowledge, the wellbeing, the excitement it all becomes clear.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator.

I am ready to change my life. I can feel this flowing of transformation and change spreading from me.

First it was choosing to be happy. Choosing all those better feeling thoughts, one by one, they lead me here. I fluctuate, energy does that, but overall, even if I could unlearn things I wouldn’t. Sure it is hard, and there are times when it is the most frustrating or confusing thing on earth. When you feel like you have no strong direction, when you feel like you are in complete freefall, it feels impossible and never ending but it isn’t. I promise it passes I found the way to pull myself out of freefall so much faster. Reaching for that better feeling thought, reaching for that better feeling thought lands you in a better feeling experience. If you keep up the momentum… amazing things can happen.

The future is beckoning. Whether people deserve to be carried forward into that future, well that is up to them. But I am sure it is easy to see that the promise breaker, second chance taker, is likely to not make it.

I forgave myself. I forgive them. But the future I want, is healthy. Because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is adventurous, because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is successful, because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is prosperous, because I want it I know that it will come to be. The future that I want is exciting, because I want it I know it will come to be.

I am so focused; I am chasing my dreams. Chasing is the wrong word, I am not sure pursuing is right either. I am enjoying the bliss and joy of the processes of my dreams coming into my experience. I am enjoying the little moments and the big and everything in between.

My name is Elliot Parker. I have changed. I can feel it. I can feel the steady power and peace from within. The kind of peace that comes from knowing that everything, the desires I hold are unfolding wonderfully and I am ready and coming into resonance with the desires. I know that the dreams I am holding are coming.

Doesn’t power and peace and knowing feel good. It is quiet and loud, something that hums inside of you. It feels great to just be able to sit in the knowing that there is nothing that you need to or have to do to make things happen. There is no need to feel like you have to do anything to make what you want happen. There is no need to feel like a hurricane or a force to be reckoned with. Even if that is what you are. It feels wonderful to just focus on how you feel and allow the emotions you are choosing to invite to guide you into resonance with what you desire. I could be the girl to change the world. But there is no making it happen. I could be the one to change history. There is no making anything happen, no efforting something into being. When it is ready, it will come, it will happen. It will feel natural, it will feel certain and sure and easy and free and I am so ready to be choosing my path. I am enjoying the feeling of the path unfurling under my feet because I am never off of my path. I will never be off of my path. I know who I am. Who I will be. I have decided already and I am ready to just enjoy whatever is coming my way.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except I am not.

My parents chose that I should perform the marriage ritual, they want me to become a monster. I know the myth, the horror story, the cautionary tale, the reason why syphons are normally destroyed or kept from sight or knowledge. I don’t want to be a monster.

“You don’t want the power?” he asks so softly I forget why I remained quiet before. I shake my head no. He is trying to charm me to be quiet. “They scared you so badly that you never wanted marriage, to perform the ritual, to be turned.” I look away. “You know what a night child is?” I keep looking away. A faint echo of a voice says one thing, they are mistakes. “You know what a night walker is?” I keep looking away. They are the rulers of weaker kingdoms; the ones my parents show no concern of. I hear a small voice in my ear say, like a distant memory. “You know what a day walker is?” I search for the answer, I should know it, it’s like the word has been wiped from my memory. I look at him and shake my head, my confusion is clear. “We come from families that are day walkers. We are the more powerful kingdoms.” He says, and I nod, like it is an echo in my ear, a vaguely recognisable fact. “You know what a witch walker is?” My eyes widen, a feeling of fear bubbles up. The monster that they want to turn me into. “That’s what we will be, together, the first witch walkers in thousands of years, the most powerful beings on this earth.”

Does he not grasp the horror of his words? The danger he is willing to unleash upon the world. We come from day walkers, yes, that means that is what we would be, if we were normal. But we are not. I put my hand on his and look into his eyes. He is right I am a syphon. I begin to slowly pull away at his magic. The charm slowly fades as his face hardens, he can feel me pulling at his magic. He begins to fight it, to fight me pulling the magic from him. It won’t work, I have kept myself hungry for too long, my connection was pinched away from the magic for a while, long enough to create enough of a vacuum to weaken his. This is what I had been waiting for. The chance for his guard to be down enough to pull some truth from him, then some damn magic.

I could feel the magic flowing back, I no longer feel so weak. I can feel the warm buzzing filling me from head to toe. I feel my own essence, my magical signature flowing from him. So he is a syphon too. I didn’t believe the likelihood of his being a syphon too, we are rare, or at least we are supposed to be. But there we go. And here I am. I pulled my own signature entrancing magic back, it feels a familiar warmth. I keep pulling magic even as he fights it. I didn’t realise this had become a fight for the magic. Through gritted teeth I hear myself, I am angry, I can’t be blamed for being angry. “You syphoned my magic?”

“I was trying to get through to you, you put yourself in that damn bubble, until you couldn’t. Then you were just stubbornly ignoring me.” I can see the pain of the magic being pulled from him. I begin to taste his own magical signature; I can see how weak he is becoming. I stop. I let go and I watch him fall back, weak.

I stride to the door, no longer resisting the magic, no longer pinching myself away from it, I pull the spell from the door. He had magically locked me in this room, it took a lot of magic to do, and now, I am syphoning that into myself. The buzz and the warmth of the magic flowing through my veins. I touch the door handle and I hear him calling for me, I turn to look at him on the floor picking himself up. Look back at the door handle and before I have turned it he has pulled me back. “Don’t go out there, you can’t go out there.”

“Why?”

“I syphoned the magic from the boat to be able to stop you leaving, you can’t leave until I say, we are floating because I allow it.”

“You are alive because I allow it.” I hiss through gritted teeth as he pulls me further from the door handle turning the lock and resealing the room. I glare at him. He doesn’t syphon from me completely; I feel his magic leave me but no more. I hadn’t cared that he hadn’t thrown me from the door, that he had pinned me to the wall next to it. He had chosen the least painful retaking of power. A small part of me thanked him for that. But the rest of me was full of fire and fury. I could see the same temptation in his eyes. That weakness I recognised. I slowly soften the glare and bite my lip, just like I do when I am thinking, the habit I know he watches. I drop my gaze and then ever so softly let him watch as I trail my eyes up his arms and shoulders, pausing at his neck, his chin, his lips and then his eyes. I see how his observing of me has softened, it’s less focused. I feel his arms ease from being tense around me. Stopping me from running, he is granting me movement. Rather than let him step away, my hand has snaked around the back of his neck pulling him a little closer. I look up into his eyes again. This time when I pull him a fraction closer I meet him in that tiny distance and let our lips brush so softly, before he pulls me tightly to him and kisses me fiercely. Does he really think he is the one with the power in this moment?

The 2017 Project

So I am still writing 3 positive things I like about my day each day. The last month at least I have had a few days where the list is longer, the longest being seven highlights of my day which is great! My diet & eating that piece of fruit a day plan is really not working out for me.

I still occasionally apologize for myself but I am feeling more confident that has improved since my temp contract. So I suspect it is now just a matter of time and growing more confidence. I feel better for acknowledging it though and not beating myself up for it.

So the 24-7 goals update? I’ve not long completed number 4…. Write the first book of the big project!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! I got a new tattoo, which wasn’t one of the ones on the list I just had the inspiration for it and couldn’t shake the need for it.

Oh and I’ve ticked 3 off this month at last… Making that a total of 5 completed…. Only two more to go and I have booked the tickets for 14! So that won’t be too long until that makes 6 complete.

Oh and in terms of number 16 I won a free lucky dip this month… Close eh?

Now the current in progress goals are 10, 12, 14, 17, 22 as well as the ones that take time and progress to achieve for the moment and a little bit of a wait. I think I might have to do the project every year it feels more focused and fun all at once. I think planning number 2 should be added to my in progress situation.

The 24-7 goals:

1- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 2

2- Do NANOWRIMO

3- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 3?

4- Write the first book of the big project

5- Finish spine tattoo

6- Finish magpie tattoo

7- Finish musical rib tattoo

8- Look for an agent/publisher for the “big” project

9- Learn to drive

10- Learn guitar

11- Finish knitting the cable knit jumper

12- Finish knitting the blankets

13- Improve views on here

14- See a west end show

15- Try and succeed at least three times on the 21 day habit swap

16- Win the lotto jackpot

17- Look for the positives more often

18- Meditate regularly

19- Keep making emotional progress

20- Keep hope and loose more doubt

21- Make posts for here in advanced, consider adding pictures, try to avoid leaving it to the last minute

22- Try to grow my hair long- aim for below the shoulder this year.

23- Become even more open-minded

24- Discover my own special brand of writers magic,

Habit swapping:

Break- Stop apologizing for myself so often. I do it a lot, it is something that really bothers me, mainly because I apologise for things that are completely not my fault and nothing to do with me. I am sick of apologizing for my own existence.

Make- Eat at least one piece of fruit a day. It is supposed to be healthy right?

Make- Write/plot at least an hour each day even on rest days. I have to start getting stricter on myself.

Make- Create and stick to a writing schedule. I have to start being more organised.

Break- Stop being hard on myself, speak kinder words to myself instead. That pretty much explains itself.

Make- A daily list of 3 positive things that I like about my day. Because sometimes it is easy to forget that there were brief sunshine moments.

Make- A daily list of 3 things that I like about myself, physical, non-physical. Because, it can be hard to show yourself some love.

Make- A little notebook of positive aspects, a once a day entry of 10 things that are positive. Literally a list of positive aspects about people, places, things; maybe one day I will post it on here.

That’s all I have for now, it might change or grow.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy :.

My name is Elliot Parker… Normally… Here… Not so much.

Here my identity that I thought was a well-kept secret is not. My name, my identity, who I really am, well I am a princess. I have never been that fond of the title. I have never been fond of the fear some people have of power, or the perks it brings. But the thing is, it turns out, I am pretty powerful, pretty entrancing. Part of me wished I could be the stowaway girl and runaway forever, it was a beautiful fantasy, but I will never be free. I am Princess Ellainor Parkrovia and I am being taken home.

My running away was covered up in a lie, that the man I thought was helping me run away told them. He let me believe he was simply “the Captain”, turns out he was the prince my parents wanted me to marry, that they had chosen for me, Prince Adrian Ferislekraig. Even thinking his name bothers me. I continue to sit in the desk chair and stare out of the window. The moon is beginning to rise on the sea, it’s pretty. The prince has fallen asleep again, it happens every so often when staring at me, waiting for me to talk or move again gets to exhausting. The words on the reverse of his sketch are bothering me. What does “day walker” mean? Who is he really? Why the hell have my parents agreed to this marriage.

“You pull magic from your environment?” He is awake and talking to me again. I return my eyes to the window. As engaging as the conversation might be I don’t know if it is one I want to have. “You pull magic from everything, don’t you? From those around you, from the simple to the strong, you pull at the magic from the very essence of life.” Why is he asking? A secret is a secret and that is what I want to keep it. “Your parents, their magic comes from the earth, from the elements. But your magic is more complex, but it is easier to access than if it was just from elements, isn’t it?” His line of questions feels dangerous, like he knows the answer, like he knows what I am already, like he wants me to confirm his suspicions. I stare defiantly out of the window. “Do you know why your parents chose me to be your husband?” No. It was probably a strategic alliance choice. I keep my answer silent. “Do you even know what you are?” Not a day walker, whatever that is. I still my tongue and chew it a little, I realise I moved, it’s a tell and I stop chewing my tongue and set my jaw again. I can see his reflection in the window and the intensity of his eyes pull at me. He wants me to answer. “You know, you are lucky, your parents know what you are and haven’t tried to destroy you once. Your parents protected you, but my parents had to be charmed.” That’s wrong, you shouldn’t be able to charm them, they are meant to be more powerful than you, they should see through it. This isn’t right, their position of power should be greater than yours, their access to the elements should be greater than yours.

He’s got to me, he knows it, I can see him watching my eyes dart across the window as I try to work out what he is saying. I see the smile creep across his face. He turns the chair around and his face is close to mine, he is leaning over me, resting his hands on the arms either side of me. “You are a syphon.” I try to look confused by what he says. I know that word. I remember hearing my parents whispered conversation. “You know, if you wanted you could have more power than your parents, you could over power them and take over at any moment, they have lived with you, a ticking time bomb. But they made you weaker, docile with love for them.”

“It’s not weakness, it is strength to choose who you want to be.” I didn’t want to speak, but I did. He knows he has my attention.

“Did you think you were the only syphon in this world?” I glare at him. “We are rumours, we are weakened, hidden away. But they couldn’t hide me, just keep my secret. Just like they did you.” I try not to flinch as he inched closer. “What do you think will happen to us after the marriage ritual?” I shrug. “Our magic is meant to change, our connection to the world is meant to change. Our parents changed, they were pulled further from the elements, traditional magic is harder for them, but not impossible, after all, that is how we exist. Those that are born without power or status, they have no magic for a reason, the ritual is different for them. The ritual is tamer. We can give the magicless some power but it is different, it is dark and twisted. So we don’t, we remain the top of the chain. We are the jewels of the crown for now. Until our own marriage ritual and then our magic will change. Are you ready to change?” He is trying to scare me. I feel my nails digging into the seat of the chair. He is trying to get a reaction. Any reaction. I try to keep my face like stone, but wearing a mask is too much a drain and he can see right through me. His features soften slowly. His arms stop tensing either side of me, he draws back from leaning over me. He steadies himself still with the arms of the chair but now he is crouching in front of the chair. “You don’t want to change?” He asked so softly.

I know what happens in the ritual, what will probably happen to my magic, to my connection with the world. I know what I am likely to become. A monster.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker. For a while now I have felt lost and confused and I have been searching for clarity. Of course, you know this.

I have been wanting to run away from my life. I have wanted to change my life. I have wanted to change my past. I have been trying so hard to undo life that I have forgotten to live in the now. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten that I am choosing my experience. I have gotten sloppy in my thinking. I have allowed myself to be resistant to what I want, I have allowed myself to look at others and compare myself to them and where my life is. It is so easy to feel like life is stagnant, like it is a cycle of being trapped and unable to do or be who you believe you are. I know that is simply resistance. I know that I don’t have to feel that way.

They are no more successful than I am, they are just more in tune with who they are and the future that is on their path, they care about how they feel and they are doing what they want and it shows.

Why am I measuring myself by something other than feeling good? Because that is what we are taught, to compare ourselves and our journeys to everything around us. What a screwy concept.

So I had this great epiphany. Of course I did, in the middle of feeling at ease the answer I had been asking for that I hadn’t realise I had been asking for as I compared myself to others and felt lost and unsure.

I get to define my success. That’s the big ball of thought. I am able to define my success and have it be unique to me. It is un-comparable. It is mine, all mine and not one other person is able to be comparable with who I am, what I want and what I achieve. I can redefine what I see as success. It doesn’t have to be aiming for a goal that feels so distant, so far out of reach. Success doesn’t have to feel like a complete struggle, it doesn’t need to feel impossible. I can make it as easy as I want.

I can make my own success easy to achieve or I can make it hard. For example, I could define success as making millions of pounds in a week; if that is the only goal to measure my success for than it will be easy to feel that failure, to feel un-successful. If I allow that feeling of lack to grow daily; to look at others and see them doing that thing that I want to do or be or see or have and allow myself to feel that jealousy of the success, to feel my own not-enough-ness, to feel that un-successfulness it will attract more of those feelings. That feeling will be confirmed and manifested time and time and time again.

However, if I say to myself, if I do this small thing towards my goal today, or if I can learn this one thing, if I can create this small thing that will create the bigger picture; if I make those things the things that I measure my success by? Well then I will feel that successful feeling I am desiring, that joy I am desiring. That feeling will attract more of its like.

The more of those small successes I breed from small moments, the bigger they will build to be. The more successful I will feel, the more joy that I will feel. The less I will even consider comparing myself to others, it is not my job. It is no one’s job; I do not need to compare at all.

Soon I will feel that wild successfulness and the world that I live in will relay that back to me as others will be able to see and acknowledge the aura of success that I possess. I will be basking in my own enough-ness and the world I live in will reflect it and I will be living more in the moment searching for that good feeling thought that is racing to me at all times. I will be choosing to feel good so frequently that the natural wellbeing within me will be reflected throughout the world.

A small success each and every day, ok almost every day, let’s be gentle on myself, will add up to something bigger. As the successes and the feeling of success adds up each day, each week, each month, each year and so on, the success will take care of itself.

Sure I have ended up on a bit of a rant/rampage. But I can feel that I am successful, that success, luck, lucky breaks, wonderful thoughts and feelings and experiences flow easily to me.

That’s the thing, success, can be as simple as the goal to feel good as often as I can, as often as I allow it and that in itself is successful. Success is feeling good, feeling good is success. I can define anything and what it means to me. It is whatever that feeling of ease flows from and that is the path that is right for me. Whatever path I choose, whatever I decide will always be right, there is no wrong because it is what I choose to be the path for me.

It feels great to just feel so invigorated to be able to choose, to be able to decide who or what I am, it feels good to choose to stop sleepwalking through life and stop comparing myself to others. I can train myself out of that habit and into the habit that serves me, choosing to feel my successfulness in the now rather than that final goal. I can start putting these new beliefs and feelings into my everyday life. Small goals, small successes. That attracts unto itself, and grows and multiplies.

My name is Elliot Parker, and I am planning to change my life, again.

Author Update (August 2017)

Hey All!

So what has been on my Netflix this month? Well, I’ve been watching Heartland and of course without a doubt Game of Thrones which has been a nice mix. I might be slightly obsessed with both.

I have been going over some of the songs previously covered in other lessons and I am also learning Beauty and the Beast … The chords are doing my head in a bit, but we have been using the H & Claire version to learn. I haven’t been practicing and it shows.

So I have been submitting The Big Project to agents and publishers. I have had some rejections which was to be expected but also some very positive and encouraging rejections. It hopefully wont be long until I get the response I am hoping for. I think the worst part is the waiting sometimes, but with that gives you a chance to have hope that it is being read by the right person.

The disaster diet is still exactly that. Nothing has really changed. My new temp contract has helped to increase my physical activity, which considering where I was at, at the start of the year, I can’t complain. Even if that means I’ve not had very much time for writing. I need to do more, but I feel like I am constantly on the go, so hopefully I will get some more new content written up for you guys on here.

I’m feeling like life is falling into place quite nicely at the moment. I have been happier the last couple of months than I have been in a while which is lovely.

Gotta say I do have a few moments day to day where I give myself plenty of times to just cringe, I am great at creating cringe-worthy moments a lot… thankfully as far as I am aware none of them are filmed. As long as it stays that way.

Of course I still need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂 It sure is one simple way to work out what the hell is happening, not that I am sure I can tell you that anyway…

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker Thirty-One to Sixty is available now!

 

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Sixty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and sometimes I just want to run away from my life. A lot of the time. But that is not exactly a secret.

That trapped feeling has been almost impossible to escape recently. I just want it to be over. I want to just see the world through new eyes. I just want to not feel trapped or stuck.

Today should be Adrian and I’s third anniversary. Last year I felt really mad at this time of year. I think last year, my status was “When your phone is a sarcastic bastard and decides to remind you today would have been an anniversary day with your ex… Well… Just lovely… A year later I’m stronger and better for the could have beens. A year ago it was the first year anniversary and boy was I mad. This year it’s all about the progress and change, I appreciate the good and the bad of the last two years and the years before it and I am looking forward to the future and all the good stuff coming…”

Well, obviously I wasn’t happy. Not the sparkling ray of sunshine I am today… today I am the sarcastic bastard as I so poetically put it. That’s the thing, I was still finding my feet on the whole being a deliberate creator thing. I don’t feel how I did back then. That is why todays status, is the ever sarcastic, “today is going to be a great day” thing. That’s not exactly a lie. Today has been fairly good, but I know it’s from my desire to run away and live a different life, to be someone else.

Something that I have always struggled with, wanting to be someone else, anyone else but me.

I love Adrian, we all know that. But right now, I am so close to running away from life like no tomorrow…

I had thought I would date myself today. Do things to make me happy. Anything to make me happy. I don’t even know what I want, what would make me happy right now?

It’s like sleep walking through life. I keep trying to wake up but sometimes I just can’t manage it, it is so hard to break the habit.

I am on that road I know for waking up more and doing the amazing things that I want to do with my life. There is so much to do, so many things to try. I just don’t want to keep missing out on life. So I asked for an idea of what I can do. Or should I say for advice?

So this is what I received as an answer:

“You know you put your life on hold. So plan your day, do stretches when you wake up. You can be ready to stretch beyond the comfort zone, do things that energize you or broaden your boundaries, things that challenge you. Then you can take the caffeine, do what energizes you that allows you to feel that burst of excitement. Then get dressed for the day, just think of it like you prepare for the day ahead. And there may be rain, but you know it will get sunny again. There are going to be things that you don’t plan and it may do a little damage, and that is ok, it is only for a short while. Then when you leave the house you work towards a destination. You’re not leaving it all behind for forever, you are going out to do what you were meant to do in life. You will return home, to rest. I think you should go to school because you are bright and you could do amazing things, but that is me talking and this needs to be what you want for yourself. It is up to you so alter it to what you want to pursue in life. Finally, when it comes to relationships, I think when you are awake and out in your world the right man will come to be a part of your life. I didn’t dislike Adrian for himself, but it was because you were willing to sacrifice your life, and you have so many brilliant possibilities. You were willing to take care of him because he needed taking care of and because you have been accustomed to taking care of people you got good at it. But it’s too high a cost. You need someone who nurtures you while you nurture them. If you can become good at taking care of people you can also become good at being taken care of. Allow yourself to practice that!”

My friend is a source of wisdom and truth and I think the advice was very true. I have basically been sleep walking through life and now I am ready to change my life. In whatever way that comes about. I think the thing that is important to me more than anything is that I give myself a fair shot. I am ready to start doing something with life. There is a true importance to no longer keep living the life I am without thinking, absent minded routine that has you feeling trapped. I want to be free and I let myself get out of this routine. There is a desire to break free and I know I can do it. I just don’t know what I am going to do next.

I think maybe I will let myself take more of a back seat with my thoughts around Adrian to be handed to the universe, with a whatever happens, happens view. I am hoping that waking up isn’t going to hurt too much, but being truly awake and ready and experiencing life just the way it was intended to be. I am more accepting of the energy and the decisions that I get to make on this journey of being a deliberate creator. It is a long journey, and every time I think I have nailed it I find myself playing catch up.