.: Entry Seventeen :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I am a grade A bitch.
So today didn’t get to plan. Actually in fact I got really angry and blew up at someone. I know it wasn’t the best thing to do.
So here is the simmer of it…
My ex, He who shall not be named, after our break up wanted to be friends. Actually he insisted that we stay friends. In time that turned into friends with benefits. Before long, he started to slip into the kind of chatter and behaviour that was more reminiscent of being in a relationship. But even then he insisted on friends.
I have to say quite frankly, I still love him, even after all this time and after what happened. Yes, I know, it’s not the healthiest thing. But even after all of this I still love him and sometimes I hate that.
So with that debrief in mind. Today he was meant to be helping me. I have been moving slowly and today he was meant to be giving me a hand moving my stuff to the new address. Well he told me in advanced to be ready by 10am today (Saturday). So I was. 10am came and went, an hour came and went. My message got those annoying received ticks. Another hour and I had taken a cab to the new address with some of it. By 1pm I finally got a response.
It went something like this:
Him: Hey I am so fucked up
Him: My hay fever is so bad
Him: I know you are pissed
Him: I haven’t done anything I wanted to do today.
Him: I’m not even going into work today.
Him: I’m gonna hang up now ‘cos you’re pissed off.
Ok so maybe that was harsh but he was right. I was fuming. I seriously had enough at that point. He spent most of our relationship bailing. Even when I needed him most. Especially when I needed him most. Not always but most of the time. I don’t know why I was so hurt by it. Ok yes I do. I thought that maybe he was right, maybe he had changed like he said.
I was an idiot. I am an idiot. I still love him however much I want to be happy I still love him even when it makes me feel less than myself.
So of course on my way back to get more stuff, as soon as I step outside, it is pouring with rain. I am talking thunder, lightning and soaked to the skin kind of rain.
Well, of course I was really pissed off. Then a kid gets on the bus. The little shit is shouting pressing the bell being obnoxious. I am talking a five maybe six-year-old. What was the parent doing, fuck all!
I don’t care I am mad. When I get mad I swear. Tough.
So on the bus, I sent a message, yeah it was a bit harsh. I said that the worst part was that I was surprised this time because I thought this once he would follow through. I am not proud. He didn’t react well. But then I didn’t expect him to. I told him that he not once at any point was apologetic or even let me know sooner so that I could have sorted my plans sooner. To which I got a call to say that he was bleeding out of both nostrils and had a massive headache and he didn’t need that right now. I did something I didn’t expect myself to say, even though I was beyond angry and frustrated, I told him to get better soon.
So I had a bit of drawing, a doodle and calmed myself down quite a bit. Actually the doodling helped me a lot.
So when I calmed down I sent a message: I hate when we don’t get along. I really do. But I still want to sit down and sort things out rather than angry or annoyed or upset with one another. Today was the moving day, I needed to do things efficiently because I didn’t want to be almost here but still stuff that I want there. You know how it is when you want to settle down in a new environment. It’s horrible to have the in between itch. Getting hold of the car park key was hard enough. I was pissed off, I’m not going to lie, but it is not an excuse for me to act on it. I am working on changing that. I am changing that. I don’t want things to stay the way they are both of us being upset and angry I’d hope it be possible to talk it out.
I don’t know how I did it, being reasonable I mean. I am hot headed and normally I would have calmed myself down. But it took a good few hours and a lot of calming and soothing.
It was a manifestation from previous experience.
My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator. I got messy about my thinking and had a manifestation of pure contrast. I had been messy and sloppy with my thinking and energy and allowed myself to fall into a trap of what was, harming my what is and it was not what I truly wanted.
I would rather be happy than be right. My anger was at wanting to believe the change and not vibrating and resonating with that belief.
Today I have learned through my manifestation that I have an unsteady vibration that I thought had slowed enough but perhaps not. It is the telling of the past that brings it back to life. So this is the death of the anger of today. Of the frustration. I am intentionally moving up through my emotional grid into better feeling thoughts and finding myself in a place of sweet relief and appreciation that when I wake tomorrow I will be starting my day on a newer, better, higher more powerful vibration where I will try to remain on the higher better feeling thoughts and energy.
My name is Elliot Parker and yes this really happened, yes I was mad, yes I still love him, and yes I would work things out if that ever was an option.
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