.: Entry Sixteen :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
This is a confession I need to make. That I can’t make in any other way.
There is something I haven’t told you yet. Clover is a mother. She has a toddler. Her baby daddy is a friend from high school. It is my doing that they reconnected and ended up in a relationship and then having a daughter.
Something I couldn’t confess to her, when she first started to flirt with him when we hung out, at that point in time, I really liked him, I really, really liked him. So when she got with him, well honestly I wasn’t exactly over the moon.
The thing is, since they got together my feelings for him, they died. I watched her messing him about a lot of the relationship. Following after the attentions of other men. It was infuriating the first couple of years. Well actually more than infuriating. It really used to annoy me. She had the guy that I had wanted, the relationship I had wanted. What did she do? Waste it away. Now I question if she ever really cared all that much. Well, things didn’t change much when they broke up. He stayed living with her in her mum’s house and they continued faking their relationship so he had somewhere to live.
Lots has changed since they started out years ago and now it doesn’t matter so much.
So what is it I am confessing?
Something that is too hard to bring up and tell her.
I might have accidentally gotten very drunk at her baby’s christening party. Clover’s baby daddy kissed me. The next day we talked and agreed that Clover could never know because of the tension going on around their baby, I could see the child responding to all the tension she was absorbing.
My name is Elliot Parker, this is not the end of the confession, but I wish it was.
Recently while hanging out at Clover’s I was watching her TV and I had spent most of the day keeping an eye on the baby when Clover and I had been shopping in town. I was exhausted and tired. So watching bad TV sat down sounded perfect. Her baby daddy, well he said something I found a little odd, “do you know how much I’ve wanted to spend some time alone with you?” I guess we were friends but it took me back a little. It took me back a lot when he kissed me, something, well it didn’t feel right at all.
It was awkward, I wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t want to kiss anyone, I just wanted to watch TV and relax a little bit.
The problem since then? I don’t know how to tell her, because it was never going anywhere, it never would.
I am in one of the damned if I do damned if I don’t situations because baby is in the middle and from what I can tell the tensions between them and the relationship of Clover and baby daddy can be volatile as it is. Putting this kind of tension to it, he just didn’t register on my radar as someone I am interested in.
I spent so long worrying about the effect on the baby that the relationship between Clover and myself wasn’t even an issue. To me there is nothing to tell. The advance is going no further.
Honestly my affections reside elsewhere. She knows where my affections are, who is on my radar. And her baby daddy is not.
My name is Elliot Parker and confessing to you hasn’t made me feel better. It hasn’t made me feel worse. I just know it is nothing. Nothing will, or can happen or progress. Yet again someone else is being put first. Maybe that is the best that I can do right now.
Perhaps my confession should really be this: I am tired of putting other people before myself. Family and friends are always being put before myself. A big part of me just wants to be selfish, it wants me to ignore all of the conditioning of an entire lifetime. I want to put myself first. Go after what I want and not care who gets in my way or has hurt feelings because I didn’t do what they wanted. That I didn’t yield to their demands. Is that really so bad?
I am a deliberate creator; it doesn’t mean I am cruel. But this? It just shows me that my energy is muddy. I have a bit of work to do. That is fine. It is hard to break the habits of a lifetime. I know that it can’t be impossible, so that is a reassurance.
I know that in time Clover will find out what happened, I just hope she understands that there is no future for something that can never be, especially when what I want, who I want is definitely not him. As she has always known. I just hope that she understands it was never about a lie or deception it was about the nothingness of it. The health and wellbeing of baby.
We all know the rounds of denial I go through about who I want, now that I am moving on. Now that I am moving past the past.
I know I keep going through denial and then trying to minimise the real impact of the feelings I have developed for Jonas. I keep trying to pretend they aren’t there. That I don’t smile when I see his messages or laugh, or hope for more of a chance to talk when we do. I keep trying to convince myself we are friends. When I am not trying to convince myself all I feel is friendship I am reminding myself that we both still have a professional relationship. I am his client.
I keep trying to remind myself that our similarities are just the personality types we both share. That’s not to say if he were to make a move, a suggestion, or a pass I would be angry or offended. I would probably be cool with that. Fine! Ok I would be cool with that.
The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!