Author Update (April 2017)

It’s the end of April. Another year older but I am not sure I am any the wiser.

Heads up to one change on the site, along the menu bar the Coryburn Girls page that held the secrets pages now lives under the writing exercises… so for all the secrets linked to the Coryburn Girls. Please go to https://arappleby.com/writing-exercises/

The latest binge watch? Well that has been Being Human. I’ve also started watching Emerald City, when I run out of Neighbours to catch up on. I love Neighbours, only soap I have loved watching since I was a little kid. So yes Emerald City had a familiar face in it, Gerran Howell, I remember watching him in Young Dracula, I still find him oddly cute… not sure what it is. I’ve also binge watched Poldark and started Thirteen Reasons Why.

I need to practice guitar more consistently, I want to make progress but I have slipped into lazy habits. So rather than practicing songs and learning them, we did something different this month, I was taught about scales, structure and building a song, because that is what I have been working on, trying to write a song on the guitar, or at least get one step closer to an actual song so we have been working on and tweaking my own material.

Writers block was really bad last month, this month I feel more guilt ridden about it. I had wanted to finish writing the first book of the big project. I think I will have to forgive myself for it taking the time that it has, it has been a story that I feel I had to write because I needed to more than anything. It has been a need not a want or whim. Like I chose the story and it chose me back. It keeps throwing me curve balls and unexpected journeys.

The Diary of Elliot Parker has been keeping me occupied, it can be hard to see the forest for the trees some time and I think that is a prime example. The characters seem to feel the same way. Procrastination is rife. I am determined to develop some consistent.

Physio has been taking up much of my time and patience, but I am starting to see some real progress now so it is worth it.

I am still thinking about changing this site slightly. I will have to see where the inspiration leads but it will probably take some time to implement any changes… we will see.

The disaster diet?I had hoped to at least loose 10 kilos or more before the end of March. Yeah… no that didn’t happen… I have lost just over a kilo and just over an inch off of my waist… not as successful as I had hoped. Especially as my weight actually went right up back to the original weight… not so chuffed… but it gets better right? I’ve barely lost any at all…

I know my birthday was this month, I had some redeeming grace thanks to a couple of my friends. The dark cloud of drama didn’t over take everything, thankfully. I am lucky I have very good people in my life. It’s been a long old month. I am just hoping that I get more productive.

Of course I need to throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂

The Diary of Elliot Parker is out now!!! I am happy that it’s now launched. If you haven’t already, catch up on the whole of the first part of The Diary of Elliot Parker so that this part makes a tiny bit more sense- no guarantees on much sense of Elliot in this part, a wee bit of a confusion cloud is setting in.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

Or if you want to make sure you get the second part bang on time why not pre-order The Diary of Elliot Parker… the second part!!! Yep that’s right, I asked you to pre-order… Out 10th June!

Also available for pre-order if you want a cheeky deal on the collection of the Coryburn girls why not buy the collective ebook or paper back! Here’s that little link you need, ebook available 8th July! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coryburn-Girls-Collection-R-Appleby-ebook/dp/B06Y5Y5KXF/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 its been a long while coming!

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy?

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Eight :.

… My name is Elliot Parker…

The tunnel is beginning to smell like salt spray, I know we are approaching the fork but the men don’t. I can hear them whispering about the sea being close, soon they will be whispering mutiny, being lead down either path.

“Which way do we turn?” I let my voice carry a little with the fork in sight. “Captain?”

He glares at me before looking away. He makes a show of looking at both sides of the fork. Now the moment of truth. A decision that can’t hide the truth of the question I have been wondering.

“We take the right. Come on men.”  I smile, not that the crew sees, they see what I want them to see, which is nothing, a blank shrug.

We walk for another three or so hours until we can see the patches of where the water creeps up to. The Captain tells us to walk back an hour’s distance to where there is less evidence of water damage, we camp there until the early hours of morning, it may be the last sleep we get for some many miles. The men begin to grumble finding space in this tunnel just enough to sleep sat with legs stretched before them. The floor is cold but not as cold as the warning the Captain gives, no noise above a whisper and be wary of the tunnel we have just left, what dangers lurk in either direction is unknown.

The men begin to settle with the supplies being distributed and food eaten with a hushed chatter. The voice that cuts through the dim light and whisper is the Captain, calling me to him, like an obedient pet. Navigating my path avoiding stepping on members of the crew having been sent to the back to give some supplies to the men at the rear of the party, a parade of obedience. The closer I get to the Captain the smiles on the men ahead of me are a challenge. I feel the corner of my mouth twitch, is it nerve? Is it danger? Is it anger? I let it pass and continue to the Captain, passing a leering smile I feel a hand slap me on the backside, the men around him burst into laughter. “I wouldn’t mind that body warming me at night.” I try to shake the rage and look up to the Captain, the mask is of gentle humour but recognition of this man’s challenge. “This one is mine boys, not for sharing but try curling next to fat Shane, he always seems to be a walking furnace maybe you will get lucky and he will share it with you.” The crew laughed with the Captain but the smile never met his eyes. Beneath the mask, the face of a man who just had to tolerate someone playing with his favourite toy, even if for a second.

I reach the Captain who has sat down to sleep. I go to sit down in the small space next to him, navigating how to move without disturbing the Captain or the man next to him. The Captain pulls me down onto his lap, pushing my legs in line with his, my back to his chest. I feel the solid but warm body at my back, pushing me forward to wrap his blanket over our legs. A few of the crew are watching, I can feel their eyes on me, all the time, even if I ignore it. I feel his hands still in place either side of my waist. I feel the twitches in his fingers, tightening, trying to communicate his command without using a word. The blanket now covering our laps. His hands abandon my waist. One hand snakes around my middle and pulls me back so his chest meets my back. I know he has sat straight behind me, keeping contact with every point of my back I can feel his stubble on the side of my neck and shoulder as he lets the warmth of his breath meet the soft skin, I can feel his smile. “Come now pet” he says so the crew can hear, he settles himself to lean on the cave wall and has me lean on his chest, he’s marking his territory. Part of me hates it, part of me knows he is doing this to keep his position, he is keeping me safe. It’s a dangerous game to play no matter the situation.

The Captain pulls the rest of the blanket so that it drapes over my shoulders covering my folded arms. I see his hands moving under the blanket, Skirting the edges of my folded arms making the blanket move and my folded arms forgotten. I watch him play a game, rubbing my arm, the crew laughing like school boys. I know what they assumed, but the Captain’s hands are not on my chest, not where they think his hands are. I smile to myself I don’t bother separating the mask to indifference. This smile, its laughing at them, even if they can’t see that.  I can smell the Captain, his breath hot on back of my neck his warm skin breaks the smell of the ocean beginning to fill the chamber further down the tunnel. He lets one hand reach out of the blanket. The fingers tracing my collar bone to just behind my ear, then his fingers are in my hair, curling it out the way pulling it behind my ear. Gently he applies a little guiding pressure, urging me to tilt my head and expose more of my neck to him. I feel his fingers brush where the flicker of my skin betrays my heart beating a little faster than I would care to admit. I feel the brush of his lips as he smiles. He murmured in my ear, less than a whisper so only I could hear as his breath tickled my skin. “Anyone could be mistaken to think that you like this.” His smile in his voice, his tease.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except here it’s not. Except here I can’t tell anyone what my name is. Except here there is only one person who knows who I am, the Captain. To everyone else I am nothing but the stowaway girl. To him, I am the Princess. To him, I am a pay check, whichever way he sails to the wind I am worth a sum to him. But a Captain without a ship, is a problem. For both of us. I need to put more distance between me and that living hell. That’s how I ended up in this.

At first it was just the bugs that bothered me in this balmy forsaken tunnel. The protection the Captain offers, comes at a price, the promise not to run. His sight is limited, but even he knows that the promise I made was under a mask. Anyone with a shred of sense would only make that kind of conditional promise with an alternate plan. Anyone with a shred of sense knows a promise made under a mask was made under a degree of duress. Anyone with a shred of sense would keep an eye on the one wearing the mask. That means while the crew try to look inconspicuous I know they are watching me, all the time, under his orders. That means they know he doesn’t trust me. And he knows I don’t trust him.

So here we are, in a stalemate. Worse still? In a fragile agreement, while on the run, being hunted. Something I shouldn’t have been able to see, not if I was whatever normal is meant to be. The sea of blue and cream are riding above us, heading in the direction of cave we are leaving. I shouldn’t be able to know that. I shouldn’t be using this much power in myself. The Captain is shielding me from the crew seeing his new sight dog, for lack of a better word. We might very well get to the ships and be able to sail away, but even then, he won’t let me go. Why handover something, someone who can read the sight like I can, why handover someone who can see danger before danger can lock you in its sights, even if it is hunting you. The only difference is down here, there is only one direction, one way we can run.

The crew trusts me as much as I trust them. But for now? For now, I am the Captain’s personal pet.

After what happened in the cave, I know the crew have ideas of their own. But their loyalty to the Captain is strong enough to be compared to a pack of dogs, he is their unbeaten and unbeatable alpha.

The tunnel is dark a damp, but the torches make it just as balmy as the forest above us. Running my fingertips along the wall as I walk lets me see the sea of cream and blue above us moving closer to the cave. We have been walking solidly as quickly as we can manage for hours. Our only break, a stolen few hours of rest before dawn. Only I know it is the middle of the morning above land. We have walked all night and so far, we are below the sea we are running from. The Captain’s hand pulls mine from the walls. He may not speak, but the warning shot from his eyes tell me I am still being watched. “Did we lose much lead with our break?” I shake my head with the slightest movement. A twitch at the corner of his mouth is the only giveaway he allows himself in his relief. But this is far from safe, far from over. I want to get out this tunnel. I know there is a fork ahead one path leads to the ships, the other to open water. The tunnel mouth opens out to a dead end, sort of, there is an open cave that fills with water when the moon rises. The tunnel opening closest the ships is a hatch covered in sand and dead branches and brush. A hatch that hasn’t seen the sun in some time, a hatch with all the weight of that wet sand and the rotting branches, could be somewhat hard to unstick.

“Captain, we need to talk.”

“What have you seen?”

I glance over my shoulder; the Captain has had me leading our way so far but it is time to put strength and stealth ahead of us. I tell him that we take the left fork, the one that leads to the hatch, but the path will narrow and strength is what will open the hatch. But we still risk being seen and exposed as we leave the ground, strength and loyalty will get us above ground. That is unless he doesn’t trust his men. If not, then we stop now, let night pass and loose half a day in distance, they are approaching the cave as we speak. But if we go through the water chamber we emerge on the rocky islands, the salt spray will be as tough and as risky as appearing on the edge of the forest close to ships guarded by men. Above land we can plan, but, even if we go through the chamber, and make good time, they will be on the return to the ships. Above and below land if they find the tunnel we had slipped into.

An hour later and the tunnel begins to widen no longer two men abreast it can take three. I keep watching the Captain waiting to see the fork, still not sure what side he will take, but I know one thing for certain, I will see just how much he trusts his men. This is the tell I am waiting for, to find the chink in the armour. I watch him from the corner of my eye when the light allows, looking for some kind of hint on what the path will be ahead…

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I’ve missed my book room. I’ve been avoiding dreaming, dreaming of this place. It’s bittersweet.  I know now that this is a dream, but I also know that this place is deceptive. A sort of honey trap. This place exists because of him, and for some reason, I’ve not wanted to bump into the man Adrian wants to be, his true self. Sometimes it just feels too hard; to see the man I know he can and wants to be and then see how he is in the real world.

The me I am in this room, the me I am in my dreams is the person I want and wish to be. But I am pretty close to being that same person in the real world. The gap between the two versions of myself is smaller than his gap and I keep trying to close that gap. He has only just started to try to close the gap. With him being away it’s been easier to avoid being summoned to this place being in different time zones. Recently, with him being back, it’s harder to avoid the summons pulling me in.

Today, ok, tonight I have been summoned.

The room is coming to life around me transforming into my own safe space.

I am alone, maybe the room missed me.

I watch the dust dancing in the light streaming through the window. It is beautiful, so calming to watch. My alone ness in this room is loud. My boots make a noise with every step. The room is dustier than normal, like no one has been here in a long time. I haven’t been here in a long time.

I don’t know why, but part of me is hoping to find something new. A part of me hopes to see the Adrian that Adrian wants to be. A larger part keeps reminding myself that the man he wants to be is only a part of himself. That’s the torture of being able to know that the world I am in right this second is a dream. It is a world full of what is wanted.

In some ways it’s a glimpse into my higher self to know what it is I am going to be manifesting but this is a place of co-creation. It is not just mine, it is shared.

Is it bad that even though this is a dream world, I would rather not alter the dust away in the blink of an eye?

I know it’s a tidy up, a spring clean for my dream world in the room. I can wipe the dust off of each cover and read the blurbs on the back and see what adventures are still here for when I finish reading, or perhaps living, the story of the stowaway girl. Her world seems so intense and dangerous. Whoever wrote that, must have had a strong source of inspiration, a strong desire to write the character as someone that they wanted to be.

I feel like somewhere in these books is something hidden, if I can tidy the shelves and organise and tidy things, I can find what I am looking for, but that’s not the only thing, it gives me a chance to build my own places to hide things. I want what it is I think I am going to find. It feels like there is something to find in this room. I wonder if it is a certain someone’s hidden intention? I don’t know, this place right now doesn’t feel as comfortable and familiar as it used to feel. I feel like my skin doesn’t feel like my own, like I am somewhere or someone I am not used to being. I suppose I haven’t been connected with the me I want to be in a while. There has been a lot of disconnect. I had focused on avoiding this place and in that I lost myself a bit. I know the disconnect is small, its formed from the resistance. It has been formed by my attention on all the contrast my attention has focused on.

I know I have wanted to change as a person but this is so much anyway. I am tidying up a dream room. I am organizing somewhere that only exists in two people’s heads. I am trying to do the thing I want to be doing in the real world, I am trying to fix things that are beyond my reach, again.

This room smells musty and the air is thick. It’s been starved of air and life and it just wants to be loved. I just want to be loved. I just want to be able to love myself and not feel guilty that it seems that I am abandoning and making my connection with others shallower and less important. But it is for a good reason. I have to stop holding other people responsible for my happiness or my worthy-ness or my existence being a good thing. I am determined to be my own source of happy, worthy goodness. But in doing that it takes away their power to have an effect on how I feel. My feelings of joy and happiness keep me in this place where I don’t want to compromise how I feel for anyone. This place tonight seems to be a source of wisdom that I needed and wanted to learn. I had to learn myself here this time. What it is I want and what price I am willing to pay. There is no price, I have set some things as my desires and I know that my attention to my desires has sent the request in my energy. The universe says yes you can do and be and have and see and experience all that you are wanting. It is delivering it to me and I know that the unfolding of these manifestations are the most amazing feelings in the world, it is making hard things easy because they are easy when they are inspired from the you that you want to be. Letting yourself be who you want to be on a more regular basis.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I’ve not written in my diary for a while. Since I last bared my soul, things have happened. Things that I didn’t expect. Some good, some… some are full of contrast.

Adrian and I barely talked since that day with the message and confronting phone call. We were polite and friendly. It wasn’t until the day before he was due to return for a short time that I heard his voice again. He was stressed out. He returned home. I’ve not seen him though. Something unusual for us. When he returns I normally see him. I had called shotgun on seeing him on one of his few free days, but he had to do something with his dad. I wasn’t disappointed. Not how I normally would have been. I didn’t think it was the only chance or the only option. I understand, he is human but so am I.

I started to really put myself first and focused on my feeling good.

Last night we had a very honest conversation.

It started with a message that made my heart race with anxiety, “I need to talk to you at some point”. It turns out what he wanted to ask was that I be honest even if I think it rude or anything, he wanted to know 5 things to change or improve about himself. That gave me a fair bit of anxiety. My first response was, let himself be happy and stop self-sabotage. Then I took a hugely risky chance. I said, “both yours and my relationship status. You can’t blame a girl for trying. I think you have known for a very long time how I feel so there is no point in me denying or pretending it’s not there.” That got skirted over quickly by him. I just told him that I want to see him happy. He said “being happy is overrated. When you’re happy all the time you don’t appreciate it.” So that didn’t help the anxiety but I was being bold and brave and very honest. I told him that his smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. Letting yourself be happy doesn’t mean that you have to be sad. He said something that I had been surprised to hear from him, he wanted to change from being work driven to personal achievement given. He is changing, perhaps he is stepping up to be the man I have known he has always had the potential to be.

After a while another wave of brave hit me. I asked if he was mad about me saying about the relationship status thing, should I have kept my mouth shut? His response was “Na”.

I decided to reference a conversation I had with him before. I told him I was giving everyone a clean slate (I did that mainly for myself, to let the past hurts go and forgive myself more than anyone else). I told him that I have learned from the past, that I believe in second chances. His response? “I’m not gonna be here this year, travelling” then he changed the topic and said he had to go.

He didn’t say a direct no, but he ran away from the conversation.

The thing is, I had been trying to improve my deliberate creation powers recently and well… I had decided to manifest an honest conversation with him. I had that conversation with him, certainly. I didn’t get what I had planned and hoped for right away but I wasn’t disappointed. It was just like it was the start of being able to have more open honest conversations with him on the way to what I am desiring.

I still love him; I don’t doubt that.

I love me more.

It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work to even begin to remotely feel like this. Well maybe not hard work. Maybe it feels like that because it was lots of little steps on the path to the big path. You know, like when you see a huge hill ahead of you, and at the bottom it feels a bit more impossible. Then as you take the first few steps you think “wow I have such a long way to go” and then it becomes more like a consistent trudge one step at a time on this path that you are making. It’s a hill without a road. You make it up as you go along and each time you pick a step of least resistance. As you get about half way you look back and some of the view is beginning to show itself. You can see where you were and how impossible it felt. And the closer to the top you get the more relief that you feel. It feels good to just get closer to the goal, you can almost taste and touch the satisfaction of things being fine. Sometimes when you get to the top of that hill you see another hill, and while you might be tired, you can still feel the satisfaction of what this hill felt like. So you try the next hill and you get higher and think, “wow, where I was and who I was is so far away now.” The feeling of relief just grows, you find the doubt dissipating, you know you can do this.

That is what those conversations can sometimes feel like. An impossible hill that you take one step then the next. But you have to take that first step. I think for him; Clover’s message was the first step to the realisation for the change he wanted to see. Though I doubt he would ever admit it.

For me, those steps and those hills, me taking on the challenge and being brave in that conversation with Adrian was me on that hill, climbing, reaching the top of the first hill. Making it to the top of the first hill and saying “I can do this” I did something that I didn’t believe I could do in the past, being so honest brave and open with what I wanted and what I felt. I said what I wanted and the best part is, I felt worthy of it. I am worthy of my desires.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. My diary thing crashed on me as I started writing this post so now I have to either remember what I was talking about or give it up. I want to do both.

So yeah where was I before it went and crashed? How can someone seriously create such an argument in so few words? I just don’t understand how that can happen, l mean, why act so thoughtlessly? I’m not saying I’m perfect, this whole kick off about me talking to Clover instead of him, it wouldn’t have happened if I had spoken to him instead. I just didn’t feel safe or secure enough that I could bring that topic up with him without it being a huge blown out of proportion thing. Pretty much like how it is now.

I guess it just was a bit of a surprise, I mean, being ambushed then put in that position where I don’t know all that has been said, what they said that I am getting yelled at for. Like just that or is there more to it? I still don’t want to discuss the issue of me talking to someone else about him making me feel cheap or is it that he wanted to talk about why I felt cheap? I don’t know.

I think recently, since I decided what I am willing to accept, what I deserve and how I want to be treated; that seems to have become something people want to test. It’s a steep learning curve, really sticking up for myself. But it is a case of people wanting to test these new boundaries I am putting up. Especially Adrian.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, which is frustrating, but I still love him and that is why I am so pissed off about all of this. I just don’t like him now testing my boundaries so often to see what he can get away with, he’s not a child, he’s a grown man. He doesn’t need to test boundaries like he is a child, it would be lovely if he could talk to me without me feeling cornered or under attack.

So it has taken a bit of persuading to find out what Clover has said… And it is a lot more than her just telling him that he made me feel cheap.

“Hey look let’s push all the niceties out of the way!!! You have majorly fucked up where Elliot’s concerned!!! Who the fuck actually takes money out and hands it over like that! You do realise you made her feel like she was a disappointment and cheap like you was paying for it! For her!!! (Angry emoji face times two) Look lets NOT play dumb you know she loves you and more than anything wants a fresh new start relationship with you!! It doesn’t matter how far your job is or where your living at the moment yeah!!! You make it work!!!! I’m so disappointed in you! Im normally your biggest fan your number 1 cheerleader and everyone else is against you! Not this time!! Look listen when you and her do things… it aint just fun its love!!!!! You clearly have feelings for her!! Let me tell you she is the only one for you!! An deep down you know it too!!! (Hey I aint selling her to you!! Im just triggering your brain cells! For someone whos so clever your actually quite thick!!!) if you don’t sort this out before you go back!! Im 100% sure you will regret it!! And you’ll lose her!!! only you can make this right Thursday you pulled a dick move… even the guy im talking to at the moment said it was a dick move!! You need to decide what happiness you want in your life and go for it!! TAKE A FUCKING RISK!!!!! Man up!!! Grow some balls and go get your girl!! Before shes gone!! If your too pussy you need to realise her happiness don’t end or start with you!!! That girl is amazing shes a freaking source of happiness and deserves all the fucking happiness she wants!!! You absolute arsehole!!! I aint meaning to be nasty because I quite like you… but you need to know what a prize arsehole you’ve been mate!! Nuff love peace!”

Well that was quite the message. I counted like fourteen-ish things he could have yelled at me about, he yelled at me about the him making me feel cheap and not going to him about it. Let’s analyse that message as things he could get mad about:

  • She messaged him out the blue
  • She told him he fucked up
  • He made me feel like a disappointment
  • He made me feel cheap (like a whore in not so many words, but she gives the nod to what she means)
  • That she outed me for loving him still (something he already knew)
  • That she said I wanted a fresh start, that it doesn’t matter how far his job is it can work.
  • That she said she hung up those pompoms and wasn’t gonna be his cheerleader trying to excuse his actions
  • That she said there is love when we are together
  • That she knows about us meeting up
  • That told him that she knows he has feelings for me
  • That I am the only one for him
  • That she said he knows that im the only one
  • That he will loose me
  • That she said he pulled a dick move and she talked about it with someone and they agreed with her
  • That she told him that he needs to take a risk on me
  • That he needs to get balls and go get me
  • That my happiness is orientated beyond him
  • That she said I deserve happiness
  • That he gets called an arsehole or dickhead like three times or something

Ha turns out I could list nineteen things he could pick a fight about. Like the whole arsehole/dickhead part could be a legit arguing point, that she is aware of what happens when we meet up would be a thing to argue about. That she told him and put words in his mouth about his feelings about me, that she put words in my mouth about feelings about him. Instead he made a bull in a china shop attempt to bring me round to his way of thinking about how I should talk to him about him making me feel cheap.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker; the past twenty-four hours has been a series of unfortunate events.

So yeah, things with Adrian have been pretty weird. I’ve still not been bending over backwards, I think it’s been noticed a bit, not consciously, but noticed to a degree. He called the other day to tell me that he was having a problem with the shipping company and he didn’t want to go back to work. What was I meant to do about that? His next topic was that he was waiting to go to a party, it was his friend’s birthday and he had been told to wait until his ex from when he was 17 had left the party so things didn’t go awkward. Safe to say I wondered what happened in the relationship for it to be awkward after all those years, probably the same thing that happened with us.

So that was the bit before I divulge yesterday.

For me, time in the shower is an easy way for me to raise my energy, it improves my mood, I become more receptive to ideas and suggestions.

Well yesterday I got out the shower, listening to a great meditation that was nice and relaxing and I began to feel ready to start my day. So imagine that, I am there wrapped in towels, potting about and tidying up after my shower when my phone rings in the middle of the recording I was listening to. So I sigh and decide to answer the phone. It’s Adrian. The first few words were “It’s just a quick call, I received a message from Clover.”

So I said, “Oh what now?”

“She said that I made you feel cheap.”

“Right”

“Why would you go to her about this rather than talk to me?”

“Because I was in a bad mood and upset and she was there and asked what was wrong.” – what I really couldn’t say was I don’t know if it is something that is safe to talk about with you.

“So you went to her instead of me?”

“I tried it felt really awkward-”

“So I made you feel cheap?”

“Yes-”

“I gave it to you then because I didn’t want to forget to give you the money or I would have felt worse.”

“Ok I understand that but I said then that the timing didn’t make me feel good.”

“But if I had forgotten I would have felt worse. Well we aren’t doing that again then.”

“What do you-? I don’t want to discuss this now; we will talk about it later. I’m going.”

“Yeah ok I don’t want to talk about it right now either I have stuff I need to get done, talk later.”

“Yeah, bye” End of phone call.

Oh boy was I pissed off. Like seriously, yelling at me, when I don’t feel well. Really? Seriously? His tone was cutting, it was aggressive and I felt cornered in the dark.

He didn’t want to let the conversation go, he sent me a message saying “see why didn’t u just tell me this?”

My response after I cooled my mood a little “Because I felt awkward about telling you, I tried to mention it but it felt like it got sidelined. To be honest I really don’t appreciate being yelled at for a message I didn’t send about something I spoke about in confidence. I am really not well and you know that yet you still thought it was ok to be aggressive down the phone at me”

After a while I get sent three messages, “wasn’t yelling”, “stressed out”, “and pissed off.” My response? “Well it felt like yelling to me.”  His response after a while, “not, just thought you would tell me but obviously not” well now I was mad. That was harsh, and a guilt trip to make me feel guilty about not telling him that he made me feel bad. Well I am sorry if I don’t know what is safe to talk about with you. I don’t want to piss you off by accident or not, I don’t want to be made to feel like I am making you feel like a dickhead because I spoke honestly about how I felt. Seriously, it’s not fair to try to pull an emotional game like that when it’s not ok if it was me who tried it. I just didn’t know what to respond, whatever I would have responded would have made it worse. After an hour I got sent “you ok?” my response was plain and simple, “no”, his response “sick?”

Is that him hoping that the reason I am not ok is just cos I’m not well, something that we discussed that morning that he told me to go to A&E with to get a second opinion, so it’s not like he was freaking clueless. My reply, “Feeling week and tense and exhausted constantly and the frustration with that is just the icing on the cake.”

“aww, get better soon, make it your Christmas wish.” Seriously, now you are acting nice? Now? After your freaking trap didn’t work, hmm. “Make it your Christmas wish.” Seriously, for the last few years my Christmas wish has remained the same, the same wish, the same reason, nothing to do with my health. So I took the olive branch, “thanks, Christmas wish? You believe in those?” then about 5 minutes after he sent me the nice message I get emails from my account. Oh hell I was fuming. Like seriously, did he think I was going to change the password and run off? JACKASS. So I calmed enough to reduce my reply to only slight passive aggressive “I take it you want me to forward the emails” him, “na it ok” oh really… FUMING TIMES 1000 now. I didn’t bother toning it down.

“What did you think I was going to do? Change my password and run off, would have been nice to have a warning not a mini heart attack at the random email from my account and then having to work out it was you.” Normally he had the courtesy to warn me he was going to use my account before the fact not just say nothing. Wanna know what he replied? “Sorry” “In a mad rush” “No” “Gonna check my stuff on the plane.”

My response, “travel safe” his “Thanks”

I am sorry that he doesn’t like that I have set and clearly defined what I do and do not deserve, created boundaries and am now sticking to them. I deserve to be happy and this, wasn’t making me happy.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I made a silly joke, I told Adrian that I got my Christmas present with the extra he gave me when he was a total dick. He was a total dick again. I just rolled my eyes and made sure it came from my money in the account not his. But do you know that would have been the first Christmas present in the years he has known me (roughly two or maybe is it three, probably two) that he would have got me. You see at Christmas or my birthday I would always hear the traditional line of “I forgot to bring it it’s in my room/car” or “I forgot to put it back in when I was tidying my car.”

I know it’s not about receiving gifts, but it is about the thought. Or the lack thereof. I always gave the Christmas/birthday present, and the first time he went away for work a going away present, a keep safe keepsake type thing. I know they aren’t exactly expensive because my wage is pretty damn low, but I have always tried and always put thought and time and consideration into it. It just sucks to know that I didn’t cross his mind of consideration.

So anyway, I showed Clover what I had chosen, now to me I thought, oh they are a cute pair of wings that could be a stacking set, she went “oh they look like an engagement set.” I WAS NOT IMPRESSED. But hey I just get a bit tired of the contrast at the moment.

I am in the habit of wishing for things to work out with Adrian and I, it is a habit. I don’t necessarily want to wish that anymore, now the wish just feels like a habitual sort of comfort blanket of an idea, of a dream.

My name is Elliot Parker, and recently I haven’t been paying much attention to Adrian. He sends me a message and I’ve not been responding right away or just leaving it on read for a while. It made me feel better not dealing with the cause of my recent hurt feelings. So I left him on read and about three to four hours later I got about ten messages in a row, so I did respond and he was saying that he was getting ill so I wished him to get better and sort of went back to doing what I wanted to do. He has always been one to pop up when I am happy or feeling better about my life, it’s like he’s drawn to me like a magnet. Only this time I don’t feel like playing ball and sharing my good feelings, I like them and I enjoy them and they are mine. Hmpf.

So yesterday evening I got a load of messages from him saying that he was having a crisis, he’s 26 still playing the same games with the same friends doing the same things and before I respond he’s gone and said he will talk to me tomorrow (today) and I read the messages thinking “what the fuck? Is he serious?” His life is not as stagnant as he thinks and his demand for attention didn’t get the reaction he probably wanted.

So I replied- and I still stand by the support I offered:

If you wanna talk I am here, if you want advice I am here, but I want to talk to you, or technically at you.

I have been so frustrated by my limits these days, I am 25 with a psycho for a mother, living with my nana, spending every day in a world of pain. I am nowhere near my life plan, I went from really feeling shit after I saw you and finding my own empowerment in days. I realised what I want, I discovered that I deserve to be happy, healthy and deciding that is a great priority. I am so proud I turned my mood and my emotional compass around so fast.  It has taken me 25 years to truly get a back bone and stand by the fact that I deserve to be happy and respect myself and embrace and accept myself which has been nearly impossible. My life is pretty much stagnant until I heal and build stamina and not live in compromise.

I am 25 my best friends are people I met in high school, all of us seem to be drifting. My other best friend is my ex and even then it’s a weird relationship at which I am sure you agree with.

Life is nothing like what it “should” be. Doesn’t mean it can’t be. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you happy or you can’t be happy. Happiness is never guaranteed in the future, it only exists in the now and if you aren’t willing to go for what makes you happy and enjoy or accept what makes you happy you are chasing the past notions of it. Straight up, I never expected to be 25, unemployed and pretty much unemployable still living with my family because my mother is a complete psycho only out for herself.

Don’t ever worry about where you are because it doesn’t matter, it’s constantly changing. What matters is: are you going to find happiness while it’s changing? Now are you going to talk to me like a grown ass adult or keep ignoring my incredible wisdom?

Sorry for the rant, but yeah everything is always working out and I listen to meditations and rampages when I get anxious. Try it.

That is what I had to say. The blunt of it. I know it wasn’t the response he thought he would get or the response that he wanted. It truly wasn’t what he expected because normally I would have been a soft touch, I would have tried to make him feel better pandering to him and what I knew he wanted and needed me to say. Instead I had my mini rampage not to make him feel better but to make me feel better. I wanted to feel better and my rampage got me into that better feeling place. I don’t think he liked it, it was all read and he didn’t reply to me that evening.

So what I am right? Happiness is a choice and it is an active choice I am making. My priorities changed thanks to the last time I saw him it was the catalyst to me putting my-own- damn-self first.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Forty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I’ve recently been sloppy with my thinking and it shows. Adrian kept the promise, and I saw him.

The evening was a bit of an event. A catalyst for a great deal of change.

So, I suppose I should say what happened. I went out with Clover for dinner, which was lovely, but I felt nervous. Which is unusual. But the was a bit of a difference when it came to meeting up with Adrian, who turned up at the meeting point having drunk three double rums. So, I said goodbye to Clover and Adrian and I made our way to the hotel he had wanted to use. On the way he told me about a couple of drunk girls in the pub that had kept interrupting him while he was trying to read. That didn’t make me feel great. Can you blame me I mean come on?

So skip forward to getting into the hotel room, that was around 7.30 ish. We got in, he went to the loo, came out and took out his wallet and gave me back the money for the hotel room, and then gave me more money than what was necessary to use my account to get help with his degree work. I tried to give him the extra and he said it was for doing him a favour and letting him borrow the account. I felt cheap, there is no other way to describe it. We sat and hung out chatting a little but he wanted some things that I didn’t feel capable of doing that evening, I felt a bit guilty and tried to give him what he wanted, but I wasn’t into it or in the right frame of mind, and I felt guilty. And worse than that I felt like I was a let-down, like a disappointment. I shouldn’t have felt like that. I shouldn’t have felt cheap or a disappointment or like I wasn’t living up to expectations. I didn’t want to be the old me that would pander and bend and do what was asked of me. I’ve been trying so hard to put myself first recently, and then I didn’t put myself first and put him first and did what he wanted, and I felt completely unaligned with myself. I wasn’t comfortable and it showed.

We left the room and hotel at 10.30. He wanted to make sure he could get home, the last train and all that. 10.30… 10.30… TEN FUCKING THIRTY!!!! I went from feeling a cheap disappointment to falling of the ledge into numbness. Then I did something stupid on the walk from the hotel to the train station to catch a cab, I told Clover I was on my way home. She went mad, she was fuming angry with him and the feeling cheap, like a let-down and disappointment got worse, it felt tenfold. I felt like pure shit. He then ordered an uber and paid for it instead of letting me get a cab. I got home, walked through the door and finally let the tears flow. I just felt heartbroken, whatever hope I had that his recent behaviour was a sign he had changed was shattered. I had hoped that he had become the man that I had always thought and believed he had the potential to be, but he smashed that hope. Smashed it to teeny tiny little pieces.

I was genuinely mad at Clover for being mad because it made me feel worse. It made me feel worse because she was making the issue I was trying to ignore, the feelings I kept trying to ignore she was waving them in my face. If I hadn’t been confronted with how I should have let myself be feeling I probably would have been able to bury it and hide it and forget about it in time. But no I had to be confronted and it made me feel shite.

She was really mad and I was really hurt.

That put me in a funk the next day I still felt hurt the next day I felt hurt, the day after I felt angry and hurt. I had enough. I decided I was going to get back to being happy, I decided I was definitely going to be happy and he would not stand in my way. How he made me feel was not going to stand in my way.

I deserved better than that.

I deserved much better than how he treated me that night. I deserved better than how he treated me during our relationship, during our break up and the time since. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to live the life I want to live. I had hoped and wished for so long that Adrian and I could sort things out, but that night was the night that the straw broke the camel’s back. I stopped caring if that was ever going to be an option in our future. I stopped wanting him, as he is I stopped wanting him, I wanted and hoped for the man I believed he could be, the man he has the potential to be because he is clearly clueless that he can be exactly who he wants to be that he keeps fighting becoming. He could be great, truly, but he is so keen to keep behaving and acting like a total dickhead. I wish that my hopes hadn’t been shattered and he had been who I thought he had come closer to becoming. It sucked, it hurt, I didn’t deserve that. I finally accepted my self-respect, my self-worth, and more importantly my self-acceptance and self-love.

I am worthy of not feeling hurt, cheap, worthless, a disappointment. I finally accept and acknowledge that on a much deeper level than I have ever done before. I still believe he could become the person he has always had the potential to be. But without becoming that and showing the change consistently, I am not interesting in coming into proximity with him again.

I had three-four days of being in a really low funk before I turned it around, I turned that around so quickly that I know I am getting better at this. It was nice to know that I can do it.

The 2017 Project

Well… So far, so good.

Last update I was working on a few of the 21 day challenges at once. I will officially tick them as complete after three rounds of 21 days just to make sure it sticks. I am hoping this will keep me on track.

So have I finally completed any 21 day challenges to my satisfaction? YES!

Make- A daily list of 3 positive things that I like about my day.

Make- A daily list of 3 things that I like about myself, physical, non-physical.

Make- A little notebook of positive aspects, a once a day entry of 10 things that are positive.

So I am still having to work on this one

Make- Eat at least one piece of fruit a day.

 

I keep trying to stop apologizing for myself. But it is very much, deeply ingrained and I suspect other things will have to change first. Starting with some self love and appreciation and probably a bit more confidence will help.

 

I haven’t done any Tarot in a while, I should probably also be practicing guitar more regularly and consistently.

My idea for nanowrimo has taken a back seat at the moment, I haven’t given it much thought at the moment. Like I said before goals 24 and 2 seem to be closely linked. Nanowrimo will be a totally new challenge.

I am making progress on a couple of the 24-7 goals. Actually… I can say I have completed goal number 1 now and goal number 15 (the habit swap… that doesn’t mean I will stop though I want to say it again that I completed it again and again). My current in progress goals are 3, 4, 10, 12, 17, 22 as well as the ones that take time and progress to achieve for the moment. I will let you know if I achieve more of them I promise. Anything is possible…

The 24-7 goals:

1- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 2

2- Do NANOWRIMO

3- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 3?

4- Write the first book of the big project

5- Finish spine tattoo

6- Finish magpie tattoo

7- Finish musical rib tattoo

8- Look for an agent/publisher for the “big” project

9- Learn to drive

10- Learn guitar

11- Finish knitting the cable knit jumper

12- Finish knitting the blankets

13- Improve views on here

14- See a west end show

15- Try and succeed at least three times on the 21 day habit swap

16- Win the lotto jackpot

17- Look for the positives more often

18- Meditate regularly

19- Keep making emotional progress

20- Keep hope and loose more doubt

21- Make posts for here in advanced, consider adding pictures, try to avoid leaving it to the last minute

22- Try to grow my hair long- aim for below the shoulder this year.

23- Become even more open-minded

24- Discover my own special brand of writers magic,

Habit swapping:

Break- Stop apologizing for myself so often. I do it a lot, it is something that really bothers me, mainly because I apologise for things that are completely not my fault and nothing to do with me. I am sick of apologizing for my own existence.

Make- Eat at least one piece of fruit a day. It is supposed to be healthy right?

Make- Write/plot at least an hour each day even on rest days. I have to start getting stricter on myself.

Make- Create and stick to a writing schedule. I have to start being more organised.

Break- Stop being hard on myself, speak kinder words to myself instead. That pretty much explains itself.

Make- A daily list of 3 positive things that I like about my day. Because sometimes it is easy to forget that there were brief sunshine moments.

Make- A daily list of 3 things that I like about myself, physical, non-physical. Because, it can be hard to show yourself some love.

Make- A little notebook of positive aspects, a once a day entry of 10 things that are positive. Literally a list of positive aspects about people, places, things; maybe one day I will post it on here.

That’s all I have for now, it might change or grow.