.: Entry Forty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I’ve not written in my diary for a while. Since I last bared my soul, things have happened. Things that I didn’t expect. Some good, some… some are full of contrast.

Adrian and I barely talked since that day with the message and confronting phone call. We were polite and friendly. It wasn’t until the day before he was due to return for a short time that I heard his voice again. He was stressed out. He returned home. I’ve not seen him though. Something unusual for us. When he returns I normally see him. I had called shotgun on seeing him on one of his few free days, but he had to do something with his dad. I wasn’t disappointed. Not how I normally would have been. I didn’t think it was the only chance or the only option. I understand, he is human but so am I.

I started to really put myself first and focused on my feeling good.

Last night we had a very honest conversation.

It started with a message that made my heart race with anxiety, “I need to talk to you at some point”. It turns out what he wanted to ask was that I be honest even if I think it rude or anything, he wanted to know 5 things to change or improve about himself. That gave me a fair bit of anxiety. My first response was, let himself be happy and stop self-sabotage. Then I took a hugely risky chance. I said, “both yours and my relationship status. You can’t blame a girl for trying. I think you have known for a very long time how I feel so there is no point in me denying or pretending it’s not there.” That got skirted over quickly by him. I just told him that I want to see him happy. He said “being happy is overrated. When you’re happy all the time you don’t appreciate it.” So that didn’t help the anxiety but I was being bold and brave and very honest. I told him that his smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. Letting yourself be happy doesn’t mean that you have to be sad. He said something that I had been surprised to hear from him, he wanted to change from being work driven to personal achievement given. He is changing, perhaps he is stepping up to be the man I have known he has always had the potential to be.

After a while another wave of brave hit me. I asked if he was mad about me saying about the relationship status thing, should I have kept my mouth shut? His response was “Na”.

I decided to reference a conversation I had with him before. I told him I was giving everyone a clean slate (I did that mainly for myself, to let the past hurts go and forgive myself more than anyone else). I told him that I have learned from the past, that I believe in second chances. His response? “I’m not gonna be here this year, travelling” then he changed the topic and said he had to go.

He didn’t say a direct no, but he ran away from the conversation.

The thing is, I had been trying to improve my deliberate creation powers recently and well… I had decided to manifest an honest conversation with him. I had that conversation with him, certainly. I didn’t get what I had planned and hoped for right away but I wasn’t disappointed. It was just like it was the start of being able to have more open honest conversations with him on the way to what I am desiring.

I still love him; I don’t doubt that.

I love me more.

It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work to even begin to remotely feel like this. Well maybe not hard work. Maybe it feels like that because it was lots of little steps on the path to the big path. You know, like when you see a huge hill ahead of you, and at the bottom it feels a bit more impossible. Then as you take the first few steps you think “wow I have such a long way to go” and then it becomes more like a consistent trudge one step at a time on this path that you are making. It’s a hill without a road. You make it up as you go along and each time you pick a step of least resistance. As you get about half way you look back and some of the view is beginning to show itself. You can see where you were and how impossible it felt. And the closer to the top you get the more relief that you feel. It feels good to just get closer to the goal, you can almost taste and touch the satisfaction of things being fine. Sometimes when you get to the top of that hill you see another hill, and while you might be tired, you can still feel the satisfaction of what this hill felt like. So you try the next hill and you get higher and think, “wow, where I was and who I was is so far away now.” The feeling of relief just grows, you find the doubt dissipating, you know you can do this.

That is what those conversations can sometimes feel like. An impossible hill that you take one step then the next. But you have to take that first step. I think for him; Clover’s message was the first step to the realisation for the change he wanted to see. Though I doubt he would ever admit it.

For me, those steps and those hills, me taking on the challenge and being brave in that conversation with Adrian was me on that hill, climbing, reaching the top of the first hill. Making it to the top of the first hill and saying “I can do this” I did something that I didn’t believe I could do in the past, being so honest brave and open with what I wanted and what I felt. I said what I wanted and the best part is, I felt worthy of it. I am worthy of my desires.