.: Entry Forty-Six :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I’ve missed my book room. I’ve been avoiding dreaming, dreaming of this place. It’s bittersweet. I know now that this is a dream, but I also know that this place is deceptive. A sort of honey trap. This place exists because of him, and for some reason, I’ve not wanted to bump into the man Adrian wants to be, his true self. Sometimes it just feels too hard; to see the man I know he can and wants to be and then see how he is in the real world.
The me I am in this room, the me I am in my dreams is the person I want and wish to be. But I am pretty close to being that same person in the real world. The gap between the two versions of myself is smaller than his gap and I keep trying to close that gap. He has only just started to try to close the gap. With him being away it’s been easier to avoid being summoned to this place being in different time zones. Recently, with him being back, it’s harder to avoid the summons pulling me in.
Today, ok, tonight I have been summoned.
The room is coming to life around me transforming into my own safe space.
I am alone, maybe the room missed me.
I watch the dust dancing in the light streaming through the window. It is beautiful, so calming to watch. My alone ness in this room is loud. My boots make a noise with every step. The room is dustier than normal, like no one has been here in a long time. I haven’t been here in a long time.
I don’t know why, but part of me is hoping to find something new. A part of me hopes to see the Adrian that Adrian wants to be. A larger part keeps reminding myself that the man he wants to be is only a part of himself. That’s the torture of being able to know that the world I am in right this second is a dream. It is a world full of what is wanted.
In some ways it’s a glimpse into my higher self to know what it is I am going to be manifesting but this is a place of co-creation. It is not just mine, it is shared.
Is it bad that even though this is a dream world, I would rather not alter the dust away in the blink of an eye?
I know it’s a tidy up, a spring clean for my dream world in the room. I can wipe the dust off of each cover and read the blurbs on the back and see what adventures are still here for when I finish reading, or perhaps living, the story of the stowaway girl. Her world seems so intense and dangerous. Whoever wrote that, must have had a strong source of inspiration, a strong desire to write the character as someone that they wanted to be.
I feel like somewhere in these books is something hidden, if I can tidy the shelves and organise and tidy things, I can find what I am looking for, but that’s not the only thing, it gives me a chance to build my own places to hide things. I want what it is I think I am going to find. It feels like there is something to find in this room. I wonder if it is a certain someone’s hidden intention? I don’t know, this place right now doesn’t feel as comfortable and familiar as it used to feel. I feel like my skin doesn’t feel like my own, like I am somewhere or someone I am not used to being. I suppose I haven’t been connected with the me I want to be in a while. There has been a lot of disconnect. I had focused on avoiding this place and in that I lost myself a bit. I know the disconnect is small, its formed from the resistance. It has been formed by my attention on all the contrast my attention has focused on.
I know I have wanted to change as a person but this is so much anyway. I am tidying up a dream room. I am organizing somewhere that only exists in two people’s heads. I am trying to do the thing I want to be doing in the real world, I am trying to fix things that are beyond my reach, again.
This room smells musty and the air is thick. It’s been starved of air and life and it just wants to be loved. I just want to be loved. I just want to be able to love myself and not feel guilty that it seems that I am abandoning and making my connection with others shallower and less important. But it is for a good reason. I have to stop holding other people responsible for my happiness or my worthy-ness or my existence being a good thing. I am determined to be my own source of happy, worthy goodness. But in doing that it takes away their power to have an effect on how I feel. My feelings of joy and happiness keep me in this place where I don’t want to compromise how I feel for anyone. This place tonight seems to be a source of wisdom that I needed and wanted to learn. I had to learn myself here this time. What it is I want and what price I am willing to pay. There is no price, I have set some things as my desires and I know that my attention to my desires has sent the request in my energy. The universe says yes you can do and be and have and see and experience all that you are wanting. It is delivering it to me and I know that the unfolding of these manifestations are the most amazing feelings in the world, it is making hard things easy because they are easy when they are inspired from the you that you want to be. Letting yourself be who you want to be on a more regular basis.