The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker, according to what is deemed to be reality. But here, I am someone else, here I am the Princess Ellianor Parkrovia. I ran away from an arranged marriage, a tactical alliance on behalf of my parents.

I ran away and jumped on a ship, with the Captain’s consent I became the stowaway girl. His power challenged mine, but he helped me to run away. Our ship was under chase, so we abandoned it and landed on an island. The Captain maintained his power, no matter my resistance. We were under chase and discovered tunnels in a cave. We used the tunnels, and a little magic to escape the tunnels and take a ship. The ship left and we took to the sea again. That’s where the truth was discovered. The Captain, is not exactly a captain, but he is the Prince that my parents had arranged for me to marry. He kept me on the ship even when we reached the docks of my home. Prince Adrian Ferislekraig is a dick. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes resisting him seems futile. When you are drawn to someone like that, I don’t think the freedom of choice really exists.

If I want to make it to land I have to co-operate. If I want to escape, I have to be clever. If I want to run, I need to run far and fast. I know that this is what I want to do. But what I want to do, what I must do, is very different. What I must do is for everyone else, my parents and my people.

“Sit” I command. Glaring at the man who made me believe he was nothing more than the Captain of the ship, at least as the Captain I didn’t hold him in contempt. Part of me, a huge part of me wishes he was nothing more than the Captain and that the feelings I had developed for him wouldn’t have caused this conflict. He sits down and looks at me.

“This hostility won’t work well in our marriage.” He smiles, I hate the charming energy he exudes. The way his smile makes his cheeks dimple winds me up now. Everything he does winds me up now. Finally, he sits on the edge of the bed.

“This won’t work.” I say.

“What won’t?” He pulls at the threats on the top sheet.

“Telling me what to do, telling me who I should be.”

“I think it will.” Refusing to take me seriously is getting on my last nerve right now. “At what point did you win any of your power challenges?” I glare at him. “You have too much to lose little Princess. You care too much and I care too little.”

“You care. You want an easy marriage.”

“Correction. I want you. Your compliance and co-operation in the marriage is a bonus.” He smiles, but this time, he reaches out his hand and takes me by my wrist. He tugs, and pulls me forward so that I collide with him with the rocking of the ship. I bang my shins on the edge of the bed. I pull away and move to sit on the bed so I can rub my shins, he apologises and tries to rub where I am. I had never noticed before that hurting your shins radiates down the bone from knee to ankle. I swore out loud. He looks at me, brown eyes soft. He isn’t wearing a mask, not with me anyway. I could have sworn, for a moment, with all the pretence of power being irrelevant, I saw something close to fear flash over his features.

“Correction, you don’t actually want to hurt me, do you?” I watch his features change while he tries to respond. Maybe if he doesn’t want to hurt me he won’t maybe he would prevent it. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t want to make an enemy of me.

Instead of answering me he stops rubbing my shins and looks me in the eyes. We are locked in this gaze and I just wish I knew what he was thinking, really deep down. I feel like I should know, that I could know, but I am uncertain. Is that uncertainty stemming from him, or from me? He tucks a lock of hair that had fallen away, his fingers brush my ear, falling softly down the side of my neck. The brush of his fingers sends sparks throughout my body. I feel warmer, reminiscent. I can’t stop the twitch of a smile that grows from the corners of my mouth, they are acting of their own accord. Sometimes just sometimes, I see this softer, gentler side of him. When he isn’t focused on what he wants in a practical, logical way, there is this softness and warmth about him. When he behaves in a way that has no ulterior motive. When he behaves in a soft and caring way, when he is wholey present in a moment, I can see how I fell for him. I can see why, and for a moment I don’t feel angry with myself for feeling responsive to my addiction to him, to his proximity and his care. To feeling that quiet peace from my core that still hums with anticipation and wanting. Feeling wholey his for that time when I can see this gentle side without a selfish motive. To see that genuine, generosity with how he feels. I know he cares in that moment. I know he cares. But in mere seconds his demeanour will change. He will return to his logic and reason and mission and this moment will fade to a memory.

That is how I know, by some magic I have fallen in love with memories and a memory of glimpses of all that I wanted being just within reach. I turn away from him. I hear him sigh and stand up. He walks from the room and I am alone, again.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link


The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker I am a deliberate creator and I created just what I needed… I had been thinking that I needed to find a nice little part time job, a few hours a week, something easy and consistent. A while later when I gave up my resistance to it there was a notice board with tantalising details out the front, “Part time, temporary”… and I was sold. So I applied. A few days later I get a phone call asking me for an interview, a week later. I was nervous. Like really nervous…

So skip forward to the interview. I am dressed smart, feeling self-conscious, I get there a little bit early, still nervous, I get sat in the canteen and wait.  A few minutes later the man interviewing me arrives. Holds out his hand which I shake and he has the bluest eyes… ever! Ok maybe not ever but you can see them from a distance. So we go to the interview room, I sit down as asked. The questions start slowly, I am nervous, and I am sure it shows. I play with the button on my blouse sleeve trying to sound reasonably competent. I slowly become more aware of my body language playing with the button and stop. I minimise my allowed nervous fidget to my hands holding one another trying to maintain some kind of composure. Trying to think of something sensible and clever something other than “oh my, oh my… those blue eyes…” He had really blue eyes. Insanely blue. So anyway I manage to pre-empt a few answers and give some great textbook perfect answers. I slowly begin to feel a bit more confident. By the end of it I walk out that interview feeling like I did a good job. I was told all about the process of the application and induction progress and it was great. I said good bye at the end of it and walked out of there feeling good and lucky.

So a few days later, I wondered if I would get the call. So anyway, a few more days later and I had spent a while trying to focus on other things and if I do think about the job think of it in a positive way. So anyway, I went to a café and I found myself eating a lovely brownie, its important. The last few brownies I have had at café’s have been mediocre, this brownie was brilliant, gorgeous even. So there I was feeling good listening to a meditation eating this great chocolate brownie and the thought occurred to me “I wonder when I will get the call that I got the job.”

Ten or so minutes later I got the call. I got the job. The shifts are on days that work for me. It just seems to have really fallen into place. I am definitely not disappointed. I’m nervous but not disappointed. It seems that it was a very receptive day. I mean, after I got the call I thought that I might like to see the guy who interviewed me in passing, I did.  I wanted to see Adrian too. Well I saw Adrian after all. Even after Clover interfered. A miracle I know considering the last two times he bailed. This time I wanted to see him more than my resistance was strong.

I mean even though hanging out was cut short, I ended up a bit miffed, but its ok. I sort of had to stop myself from being grumpy about the abandonment because that is my issue and not completely his fault. His friend needed him, I was mad because my nose was out of joint, I wanted to spend time with him in that bubble where the world outside, where problems and life doesn’t matter, good or bad. I needed reminding that he tried his best, I needed reminding that he is still learning and he will get it right in time. He cares, if he didn’t I wouldn’t have seen him to celebrate. He set out that evening with good intentions.

I had gotten caught up in that weird thought, he wouldn’t ask me to marry him etc. I guess I realised that I want a home and a family with him. I guess I decided what I want, what I want to bring about into my life, so I suppose I can squeeze it on here. What do I want in relation to Adrian? A million dollar question?

I want a relationship, home, family, I want to build something real. I want that safe happy home. I guess I’d not be against getting married etc with him. Though I think I would need to know that he had given it some serious thought. I suppose I’d possibly be concerned of it being a spur of the moment thing, that he hadn’t realised what he asked, or wasn’t ready for the commitment. I know that is stupid, because he is not the type of person to do things without putting enough thought into it, that’s more likely me. He will only say or do something unless he wants to, something I do often forget. So yeah, I love him, I want a relationship with him, I want to build a family with him, however it looks. I want that future with him, without any uncertainty. He is the one person on this planet I would say yes to, even if there were some details to be worked out later, like getting on the same page about the future of the relationship, if there was anything we would be needing to compromise on. I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that my certainty in what I want means I have no wobble. I like not having any wobble on what I want, I like knowing what I want. I like knowing that if I know what I want I am essentially in the best aligning energy with what I want than I have ever been. I like knowing the clarity of my desire for a committed relationship with Adrian, I like that certainty. I like being sure, being sure feels great.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker; it has taken me a while to start to wake up. I am wondering whether it is possible that Clover is a narcissist, at first I wondered if it was co-dependency. There is a reason I thought it was co-dependency, because she defines her life by which boy is giving her what she wants. Sometimes it seems like she will pin her whole existence, her life and self-worth on a boy and the attention he pays her. But I noticed something else, they stop paying her that attention and to her it’s the cause of meltdowns and she will say she has lost all confidence and so on thanks to that boy walking away. That looks co-dependent at first. That is what I thought at first. But then I noticed the constant victim status she wants to wear. I think I misunderstood what co-dependency was for quite a few years.

Clover is often very unwilling to see perspective other than her own and will almost never admit to being wrong. Pair that with the stream of boys she will flirt with and garner attention from for them or herself even to disappear, often with the flirtation failing to grow into anything. Everything in her life exists in its relationship to her, for example when the boy decided to change his number after breaking his phone? That was automatically made about her and how she doesn’t feel good about it, not in the potential good for the boy or that it might be something he needs or has to do. The need to publicly humiliate those she deems have wronged her through social media, whether that’s me for telling it straight as it is or not putting up with her behaviour when I finally have had enough, or it’s her baby daddy for whatever reason that is so very out of proportion. Everything is about her, no one can do or say anything right. I’m not saying she has no good qualities. But I am concerned that she might be on the spectrum of narcissism.

It has taken a while to suspect this but it could explain the cycles of friendship we have gone through. Honestly though? I find it tiring sometimes. She will delay setting a time for plans with her “forgetting” to ask about the times then on the day change the time because she has decided to make a second set of plans right after the plans she made with you. I know I am not the only one annoyed with the way she uses you. The baby daddy has spoken with me a few times about her behaviour, about her cheating on him when they were together. What she didn’t tell me.

Sometimes, being friends with her can be like walking barefoot on the beach, be careful of shells.

It took researching both co-dependency and narcissism to work out what one she probably was. But I noticed my own answers to some of those pages explaining co-dependency, I found resonance in quite a few things they were saying were co-dependent traits. I might have a degree of co-dependency and I can accept that. But I don’t really want to keep being co-dependent, it seems the changes I have been making the last few months and years about pursuing a happy healthy life has also been shredding and releasing myself from the chains so to speak, of co-dependency. Less of my decisions about my life are about what makes other people happy. Yes, I make certain compromises for a quiet life, I can’t fight every battle that comes my way.

Trying to stop people pleasing is hard. For anyone. There has to be a conversation with yourself where you decide what your boundaries are, what you want them to be. Once you decide your boundaries though, that is when things get trickier. A lot of it is deciding who you want to be and who you are. Then you raise your self-esteem and confidence, you need to be ok with saying no. So you need to find alignment with who you are. It all comes down to that doesn’t it? Choosing who you want to be and then just being that person, or trying to be that person every day. Some days that is harder than others. Sometimes you will overstep those boundaries and cave to the pressure to make someone else happy, as is often the case with Clover.

See there was a reason behind the entry… exploring the mechanisms that make Clover and I friends, sure she will go to bat for me and I for her. The hard part for me is when I then blur the boundaries. When the backlash for not blurring the lines hits it makes it hard. Especially when the behaviour pattern doesn’t change. It can be exhausting making excuses for her. Constantly being on your phone in company is annoying, like most recently, at dinner with a mutual friend. She spent so much time on her phone, checking her messages and it was jarring. The mutual friend not once took his phone out around the table, only time mine was out during the cutting of the bill to use the calculator. Turns out her baby daddy keeps telling her off about the phone, a tonne. I mean they fight over it, and I get it, it’s a safety risk to the kiddie.

Sometimes it can be hard, to have a conversation when the other person is on their phone a tonne, or the only thing she wants to talk about is boys. I want to be able to talk about things that aren’t boy related or for boy’s benefits. Like you can go on a diet to feel sexy for yourself. You can do exercise to improve your way of life. You can do so many things for yourself without the need to garner fuss for it. I want to be even more secure in myself that I don’t even need to consider the response of others. I am doing it slowly; it takes time but I am getting there. One step at a time huh?

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Eighty :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Recently, I’ve not really felt like myself, I feel like I have been walking around in this meat suit but not really present in any sense. Strange right? I suppose there are worse things to feel. I just feel so at odds with myself, like I am there, I am real and alive, but I don’t feel anything about it. I can see my manifesting and then I am here like, ok so what now? I get like this every so often. I guess I still want to shut myself off from the world at the moment, get my own self a stronger sense of self. Get away from people.

But something happened, before it was just a sort of lazy taking a back seat and a break type thing. Then crazy drama happened that brought me from an energy of eager anticipation and excitement, then that penny dropped. Some energy that had been going on in the background hit, something I didn’t know I produced an energy for and well, when it happened… it was painful. I kept trying to claw myself away from old habits, I kept trying to push forward to that better feeling thought. Every second of the day. When it comes down to it I think the energy I radiated was, I have changed, I want people to see that I have changed and I have a new happy healthy energy going for me. So that’s what the universe gave me a chance to sure up and prove to myself that I have changed. And I know, I know, the past means nothing. I got that chance and more than anything I proved to myself that I have changed. I didn’t enter into a toxic, angry, petty attempt to engage my attention and to engage me in a fight that would have been manipulated. I rose the hell above it. Sure I had some kind of response. It put me in a mood that didn’t serve me, but even then I kept reminding myself reach for that better feeling thought. It kept me out of the water that would be easy to drown in.

It’s great that I have changed and I keep seeing evidence of my progress and my dedication towards my health and happiness. It doesn’t always come naturally. But that attempt at provocation didn’t work how the person had intended. I didn’t even think what was the healthy option, I didn’t enter it, I just blocked them. I can’t help but feel proud of myself. It wasn’t even a conscious effort on the forefront. I can’t help but feel proud of myself, it feels good.

So like I said, I remind myself that the past doesn’t matter. I remind myself that what is doesn’t even matter. I remind myself that reality isn’t important. What is doesn’t matter, it is constantly changing and I get to choose how it changes. I get to be happy… I get to choose to be happy, every time. I get to decide what I want. I get to decide who I want to be.

While it is great, while my progress and my health and happiness is growing stronger in leaps and bounds, there is something that I haven’t yet learned to stop looking at the what-is-ness of. We all know what I am going to say right? Clover. I can’t help but look at her and see her holding herself in a place that hurts her all the damn time. Recently, whenever she calls she would chat then someone would turn up then she starts talking to them, full blown conversations, while I am waiting on the phone. Not cool. When I needed to talk to her after that incident where someone tried to provoke a reaction she was about as supportive as using a piece of paper as a bra. She didn’t answer a call; sure I shouldn’t get mad should I? Except the issue was it was my incident I would have wanted to talk about, not about her boy situation. She doesn’t want to talk about anything but boys.

Clover’s latest boy that has her attention, the one that still isn’t talking to her I might add. Although, he did briefly for a couple of hours before returning to his stance that he couldn’t be friends with her. Well of course that caused meltdowns. Then she got all in a fluster because he broke his phone and intended to change his number. I badly want to scream at her that there is more to life than some boy who has never been your boyfriend/in a relationship with you that you were only speaking to for a few months or so, there is more to life than them. I know I could be called a hypocrite because of Adrian, difference is we were in a relationship, we are still really good friends, we still spend time together, there is still very strong chemistry. The way she acts about the boy changing his phone number, seriously a meltdown wasn’t necessary. He is changing his number, so what? He is doing it for himself, it has nothing at all to do with her, her response to his changing the number was the start of a meltdown. Again. When I didn’t respond in the way she wanted she basically tried to cut the conversation down. My response was that she was perpetuating that energy, I won’t be able to say anything right until she finds a way to feel better about it. The boy wanted a new number, maybe it will bring him what he needs and wants, it could be a good opportunity for him.

But of course when I don’t respond to her in a way that she wants, I am the villain. When my words don’t sound like me agreeing that the world revolves around her… well… I don’t want to constantly be exposed to the negative vibes.

This week I asked her to do one thing, to work out what time we are all meeting for a dinner out for a special event. She “kept forgetting to find out” I got annoyed. I told her that I had asked all week and if she didn’t want to come she should just say. I got back a mini paragraph that I am unreasonable. That she keeps forgetting. Like it is one simple thing that she could even sodding text to find out about. But yet I have to hear hours about the freaking boy who won’t talk to her, constant texts about the boy all day every day, barely having 5 minutes at one time about something other than her or that boy, I am getting annoyed about it and I am close to muting her for a long old while.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the dream didn’t end there.

So I was totally not in the mood for Adrian’s drunk tantrum. “Well apparently your friend fancies you.”

“Like that even matters. What is the real problem?” I’m getting really annoyed.

“Nothing” He mumbled.

“Look you are the one who said that you don’t want a relationship that we will never work etc. For the record, Sawyer is a friend. If you are so bothered maybe next time I invite you to go do something cos I got you a ticket so you had the opportunity you won’t flat out reject the chance again.” I’m not wrong.

“What so your gonna punish me for it?” Don’t tempt me.

“What? None of this is about you. Sawyer likes the theatre, he took your ticket up and hung out with us. You are only yelling and complaining at me cos Clover called you out on it and you don’t like it. You chose to go out with your friends and get drunk in the pub, how you normally do. We chose to go out and have a great evening.”

“I don’t want to get into this right now.” Running away again?

“Nothing new there. That makes two of us. You are the one who called up yelling.”

“Yeah sorry.” He grumbled. I rarely get a sincere genuine apology, if I ever get one. “You looked like you were having a fun evening, get back to it.” Are you kidding me? Like seriously?

“You too, enjoy your evening.” Dickhead. Not even in a relationship. Insisted on being friends, what does he think? He is the only person on this planet who will be attracted to me and I should be freaking grateful he’s willing to throw the occasional bone my way so to speak. I can’t believe how mad I have gotten.

I walk back in the room and slump onto the sofa. Clover hands me my drink and I take a sip. “Who was that?” She asked like butter wouldn’t melt.

“So you texted Adrian. Thanks, I got yelled at for having fun.” I snap. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sawyer go off to the bathroom and I quickly give Clover the cliff notes. When I am done I asked her why she did it. at first she shrugged.

“I thought he should have come, he keeps messing things up with you and Sawyer seems to like you and I could just see him missing his chance with you and thought that he should know and try fighting for you.”

“Well he didn’t. He yelled at me and acted like a spoiled brat because someone else is playing with his toy.” I stood up and walked over to the kitchen and pulled out some fruit juice from the fridge. Not wanting the booze in my glass I tip it down the sink and rinse it out before pouring some apple and mango out.

I made Clover a drink, with a bit more alcohol than I would usually pour, topped it up with a mixer and handed it over. Sawyer coughed getting my attention “trying to get her drunk?”

“Maybe, kinda hoping she will either go home or go to bed soon.”

“Why?” Sawyer asked tasting my glass “no alcohol in here?”

“Yup. To be honest, I kinda want to hang out with you a bit and chat without feeling like I’m being watched.” He smiled at me and poured himself a glass of juice.

“Same.” He whispered in my ear before he took Clover’s drink into the other room and handed it to her. I passed Hal his and he told me that he had called his ride to go home. I can’t blame him it had been a long day and Clover was a bit tipsy. “Is there any chance you could take Clover back with you? I think she would probably find it easier to wake up in her own bed tomorrow with a raging hang over.” I joked a little.

A few minutes before Hal had to go Sawyer piped up “I’ll help you clear up and then get an uber home if that’s ok?” a little taken aback I nodded. Hal took Clover home.

Sawyer was true to his word, he helped take the glasses into the kitchen and neatened things up a bit. “Still getting the uber or did you wanna crash on the spare bed?” I asked, sort of innocently.

“Is it ok if I crash here?”

“Rather you than her… do you want a cuppa?” I offer and he puts the kettle on. We make the tea together and go and sit on the sofa together. It was pleasant. We chatted. It was nice. He gently took my hand in his and it just felt relaxed, soothing almost as he rubbed circles in my palm with his thumb. It really had been a long day and fighting the urge to doze was hard. After a while I showed him to the spare room.

“Before I say goodnight,” he started, still holding my hand in his. I felt him inch a little closer and gently leant into me. His lips were soft on mine. It would have been easy to keep kissing in that moment and not stop. It was tempting. Very tempting. Instead I took a half step back. He didn’t look offended, instead he smiled at me and said, “I’ll go at your pace. To be honest, a one-night stand wasn’t what I had in mind.”

“What did you have in mind?” I couldn’t resist asking, even if my voice was quiet.

“I’d like to date you, really get to know you. I’m interested in finding out if there is anything real there between us. It’s up to you.”

“I’d like that too.” I can’t help but smile. I pulled him in for another quick kiss, just briefly, not wanting to risk the temptation before I said goodnight and he went into the spare room and I disappeared off into my own bedroom.

That’s where that dream ended. So realistic, that I could have sworn it had happened if it wasn’t for the difference in the day and time. It’s given me a lot to think about.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and my prem (premonition) dream didn’t end there.

Sawyer went in first to the furthest in seats so that he was sat next to a stranger and then I went in then Clover and then Hal near the aisle. So we chatted and had a quick flick through the programs and Clover leans over to me and says “I hope it is as good as last time.”

I smile and check Hal is ok. So anyway the safety announcement begins and we are all sat there excited. The lights go down. The show begins. The show is quite frankly amazing. Exactly how I remembered it- funny that hey? So anyway, the first act is over, awesome. We are all singing its praises kind of thing in the interval. So anyway we start snacking on our sweets and chit chatting and I can feel Sawyers knee bumping against mine. I try to ignore it and we watch the people all dressed in their Halloween costumes going up and down for ice creams and drinks. Pretty soon the music started up again and the lights went down. We were sitting there and one of the more romantic of scenes started and I felt fingertips brush mine. Sawyer was sort of holding my hand ish, more fingertips sort of touching kind of testing the waters I suppose? I don’t know, but I didn’t move my hand away. After the romantic scene was coming to a close, out of the corner of my eye I spotted Sawyer watching me. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Sawyer is like… it’s hard to describe. He’s incredibly cute and I had a crush on him for so long but for a while I used to get the feeling he didn’t see me as a person so much as a flirtation, a notch on the bedpost. But we never actually slept together so there was always that kind of weird vibe. It didn’t feel like that in the dream, it was like a natural flirting, like a chemistry type thing. Not even sexual, just flirty, getting to know you again chit chat. Things about who you are as a person. I liked it, being seen as something more.

So anyway, the show ended and this steward came over and the four of us followed him like we were told through the back ways of the theatre onto the stage where we said “hi” to the cast, had our programs signed and then we got into a photo, and Clover was next to Glinda and I ended up somewhere around Elpheba/Fieyro kind of area and Clover goes to the lady playing Glinda, “we know someone a lot like your character” and she winked at me I tried so hard not to laugh. I knew exactly who she was referring to. We get that done and we get snuck back out and near to the lobby area to leave and head back over to the train station.

“You still coming for drinks at mine?” I asked to no one in particular.

“Yeah sure if it’s still ok?” Sawyer replied ahead of anyone else. Hal and Clover nodded and off to the trains we went. We picked our train and walked around to the platform. Clover and Hal lead the way down the platform. It took a second to notice Sawyer next to me, or the way our fingers bumped against one another. It was tempting to let our fingers lace, instead, I let mine graze his before we took the step up into the train carriage to find ourselves some seats. On the journey on the train the chatter was still about the show and Clover kept mentioning how somethings kept distracting her. It took me a second before I realised and ended up blurting out “you mean you kept staring at the guy who played Fieyro’s package again like last time.” She got a little embarrassed. It made us laugh though, we teased her a bit about it on the rest of the train ride home.

So we get into my home (not my current one, but it seems I had moved into my own place, like a dream home.) and I offer drinks. Clover pops the radio on in the background. Hal gives me a hand bringing the drinks over and we chat a bit. We end up a bit tipsy and get up and dance a bit and Clover sits down playing on her phone and Sawyer is dancing with me trying to show off a little while Hal goes to the bathroom. We are just having one of those silly goofy moments. A few minutes later my phone keeps buzzing on the table. I end up going to answer the call seeing all the text notifications. On the other end, is Adrian. I don’t get a hello, instead I hear “why is Clover sending me messages telling me that I should have been there today.” Great.

“What messages?” I sigh. Not this again.

“She sent me some long message saying I should have been there today instead of going drinking with my mates. Something about you trying to show me something you love that is part of you and I’m a dick cos I said no.” I knew she was mad about him going drinking with his mates instead of coming today.

“Oh.” She didn’t need to message him. “I didn’t know she sent you a message.”

“So you think I am a dick?” He said.

“I didn’t say that.” I’m not in the mood for this. “You’re drunk go have fun with your mates.”

“What while you dance with some guy?”

“What?” Is he serious?

“She sent me a video of you dancing with some guy.”

“What the??? We are chilling out, having fun and having a drink. I don’t get what your problem is?”

“I should have been there; you shouldn’t be dancing with some other guy.”

“Are you serious? You chose to go drinking with your mates instead of coming and my friend took your ticket.”

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, the last three nights in a row, I have had some peculiar dreams. Peculiar as in ultra-realistic. By ultra-realistic I mean when I told Clover about them she said it sounded like a “prem dream” or “premonition dream”.

The dream started relatively normally, I remember getting ready for a night out with Clover and Hal. Heading into London on Halloween to see a show. So off I go to meet up with Clover and Hal at the train station to head into London together. I am the first there and I wait, the people are rushing by and Hal comes over to me, all smart in a familiar purple shirt. We chat for a couple of minutes and notice that Clover is late so we text her and she is on her way. We roll our eyes and carry on chatting. When Clover comes over I fire off a text to someone. Sawyer, a sort of friend from years ago. It’s all very weird to explain I guess. Anyway, so we head down to the platform and wait for the train chatting, we are excited. We get on the train, its packed and we are in a little huddle chatting. We get off when we get to Victoria. Sawyer is waiting for us, he was taking the spare ticket and I invited him to dinner with us before the show to kind of make it a bit less weird I guess. Sawyer and I had chatted on and off for a few years now, generally flirty if I am honest, it’s a flirty connection.

So off we go up the escalators all the way up to the food court and we end up in a restaurant Clover and I had tried before. We get seated at a table and Clover sits next to Hal and I end up on the inside of the booth seat and Sawyer plonks down next to me. So we chat politely and we order soft drinks and begin to chat thinking about the menu. I have what I call menu fog, too many choices. So I order the same thing Clover and I had ordered here last time. So there we chat and try to get a bit of conversation going, it’s still a bit weird with Sawyer and I am a bit shy. I mean, he is cute, and crush-worthy. We get chatting and Hal asks me how work is going. I smile and it’s something I can ramble on but I play it cool- ish, I don’t do well at cool. “Yeah its going ok, stats are up which is great.”

So there we are chatting and Sawyer goes “have you told front of house you are coming?” I sort of sit there a lot confused.

“Why would I do that?” I shrug.

“Well you could get the photo with the cast after the show, you know, because you’ve been in the press lately.” He said it so casually like he believed it.

“Isn’t that a bit weird though? It’s not like I am properly famous or anything.” I guess I felt a bit awkward.

“Well, you kinda are.” Clover teased.

“I’m not.” I insist.

“You are” Clover and Sawyer said at the same time. The starter arrived and our attention focused on the food. Which tasted good. Like really good.

So conversation died down while we sort of inhaled the starter. But chat soon resumed, it was my fault bringing up the topic, “the cast photo thing is a really possibility?” I ask Sawyer.

“Yeah, of course. Want me to have a word to front of house when we get there?” He asks.

“My inner nerd would be nerdgasming for a week…” He burst out laughing at me, so did Clover and Hal grinned at me. He had been on so many trips with me to things like this he knows my obsession with a signed program was pretty strong.

So conversation changes to the atmosphere, this show is notorious for a fantastic atmosphere on Halloween. When the mains arrived at the table we have relaxed into a sort of rhythm. A natural ebb and flow of conversation amongst ourselves. I felt a bump on my knee and noticed a leg against mine. I jigged my leg a little and the leg pushed against mine slightly under the table. Its Sawyers leg pressed against mine. I don’t quite know how to react so I take another sip of my drink. dinner is winding down and we are getting more and more excited about the show. We pay the bill and make our way back down the escalators. “Food coma is setting in” Clover jokes and I nod. I know the feeling its familiar. We make our slow meander across the station over to the theatre.

We got there and there was a huge crowd, we showed the tickets and got into the lobby. Sawyer disappeared for a minute and Clover, Hal and I got the programs and a couple of souvenirs. Sawyer approached with a front of house member and he checked our tickets. He asked if we wanted to change where we were sitting, but Clover and I had chosen these seats specifically so we declined. We went up the stairs and Sawyer and Hal waited for us while Clover and I went to the bathrooms. The tiny little stalls made it awkward and uncomfortable to use. Once we are done there we reapply our lip gloss and Clover goes to me, “I think Sawyer fancies you.” I just laughed and looked at her like she is crazy. We head up to the bar area and end up getting a couple of bags of sweets between us. For some weird reason I chose a bottle of water for during the show, now I know it’s not technically weird, but I usually get fizzy if possible. So anyway, we went and found our seats and the seats were in the exact right place that we had chosen online.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link

Here is the US link

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except it’s not. Not here at least, here I am Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. That name has so much responsibility. So much weight is on my shoulders, so many will be depending on me to make this union. Or so I am told. I will be the protector of my own kingdom. Alongside the man, that right now, I want to run away from. The man keeping me prisoner. He has constructed this illusion in the effort to keep me here. Trying to make me think we are somewhere impossible to run away from.

I suppose he wants to break me, maybe build a bond or whatever. I am not interested. The only thing I can think of is making sure the damn ritual never happens. If I kill him after the funeral I will be chained to him for an eternity in hell, it will take me down with him. It would take a whole small army to surprise attack him after the ritual in order to kill him.

At the heart of this, is one question… Can I even trust him? He lied to me. He had his crew lie to me. He controlled and manipulated me.

This time when he comes into the room I decide to smile. He eyes me suspiciously. I approach him softly, like I am looking at him for the first time. I guide him over to the chair by the window and sit on his lap for a minute and talk nonsense about how calming the waves were this morning. He plays along. He is still suspicious. He should be. I put my hand gently near his, on the arm of the chair. I take a little risk. I kiss him. Gently, giving the mask of shyness which he buys into. We keep kissing, before long his kisses lose their gentleness and tenderness and he becomes hungry. I decide to stop sitting on his lap and stand in front of him. He moves to get up but I lean over and kiss him gently luring him to sit back in the chair. I bite his lip for a moment. I snake silver chains from his pockets and they pin down his hands to the chair. He laughs taking it as a joke. It is my magic now pinning him there. This time when I kiss him I snake the gold chain he had tied me with, I send it down his legs tying his ankles to the chair.

I straighten myself up.

“Why lie?” I ask.

“You will have to be more specific” he growls. I study him, he isn’t even bothering with a mask.

“I know where we are.”

“I wanted time with you, I had hoped we could fix things and it wouldn’t be a sword point wedding on your part.” I glare at him. He doesn’t stop talking, “perhaps I might have made the mistake in thinking the sword point will have to be at your throat. Perhaps I should just press the blade to your parents, the king and queen.” Seriously, does he have any morals, did he ever have any morals? What did I even think I saw in him?

“You wouldn’t let them live if you did press the blade to them. That’s one thing I learned about you. You rarely halt your blade.” I try to keep calm and cool.

“I stopped it for you.” Yes, when everything you said was an act and a lie.

“You needed me. Maybe now you don’t. Maybe now, you realise it is just not worth it.” I am not his only option, he could take another, she might be weaker, not so, damaged.

“Do you think? Because whether you want to be or not you will be my queen, and depending on how well behaved you are depends on which kingdom we will be taking first.” Taking is such an ugly way to word it. We could leave our parents kingdoms alone and just take hold of a neighbouring one.

“What do you mean by that?” I try to ask innocently. Well as innocently as I can manage.

“Untie me now and we will wait for your parents to hand us the kingdom when they are ready to pursue what they want. If not, well, I can’t guarantee my patience.” Still threatening the people who would make me marry the vile creature spitting threats and demands at me.

“You are threatening my parents?” I ask for clarity.

“Yup, and your kingdom. You run, I will make sure you are running from the ashes of all you held dear.” Jerk. Absolute jerk. I want to rip his head off.

“You are a dick!” Well that was tamer than the commentary in my head.

I don’t untie him, but I straddle his lap all the same. I hold his jaw in my hand. “You don’t get to be in charge anymore, or have you not realised that.” I hiss before I kiss him roughly, I bite his lip and make him yelp. “You don’t get to control me. You want the ritual completed?”

“Yes” he whispers breathlessly.

“You do it on my terms, I don’t do being told what to do or who to be. Am I understood?” I love the feeling of power the assertion brings.

“Yes” he is leaning for another kiss, I lean forward just a little and pull back before our lips touch again. I hear him groan.

“What was that?” I ask, toying with him, smiling.

“Kiss me again” he whispers. I lean into him and this time I narrowly miss him and kiss his cheek.

I lean a little closer to his ear, it is my turn to whisper. “Maybe later.” I smile getting back onto my feet, stepping back from the chair.

Now he stands, the thin chains fallen away, the magic drained from them. He takes a few steps towards me, I back up into the wall and he leans over me and kisses me again, hungry and warm against the wall.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I guess, I have been just as bad as Clover. To a degree at least.

I got so caught up on the way I felt about the ex, so often, that it became almost second nature. I got so caught up on the way I felt about her, it became second nature to perceive her as, I suppose, a bit of a problem. The thing is I keep trying to put myself first. I keep trying to feel better, and I don’t do anything about how I feel and relate to others. Clover is responding to how she thinks I feel. So she is being territorial and making a point of things. But it really isn’t necessary. Now Adrian is away again, I didn’t bother sending him any messages but he must still somehow be a part of my energy, whether it is in the subconscious, in dreams or whatever, but he sent me a message recently. So walking away isn’t so easy. But not willing to compromise what I want and how I want to feel is stronger, by far.

So maybe he won’t be completely out of my life. But we are friends I guess. I suppose.

So yeah so some of the stuff that annoys me about Clover, mainly her obsession with those lads who don’t even have her on social media anymore, I shouldn’t be so judgemental right? I mean, still being in love with my ex and wanting to move on still gets to me. I still talk about it. Probably a lot more than I should. I want to relax into not even letting it be something that remotely enters my mind.

Soon I will be thriving right?

Things will be easier right?


I’ve not spent much time with Clover the last week, we’ve barely chatted properly in a week. But then again, I can feel myself wanting to shut away from the world for a bit. Is that bad? To want to just avoid social media for a few days. Hell even a week.

Is that a bad thing? Wanting a week of avoiding people. To just do me for a week. A week isn’t long but it is manageable. So maybe I will disallow using my phone between certain hours. I suppose that is a way to see who wants me in my life. Maybe I will feel better for less screen time. I might build some great things to talk about with you. After all, the greatest way to get things off of your mind is to do something else. I want to let myself find out who I am. Get back in touch with how I feel and get a scope on how I want to feel and move towards that. I could find a way to feel luckier. I could find myself feeling happier. I could feel free, less tethered in.

I might do just that.

We will see… the best laid plans and all that.

I had a dream about that room again, I had a dream where I wasn’t alone. I guess that is kind of why I want to find myself. I want to know what I want. So anyway the dream? Adrian was there, he complemented at how tidy it was now. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say. I think he knows, that I have been putting myself first. I stopped being so patient. I think he knows that his conscious self has gotten in the way of what he asked me to do so many times. Waiting is just too hard. Being patient with him is just too hard. It’s too painful. I guess he couldn’t blame me. He asked me to keep trying and I’ve given up, I have given up the struggle of trying to be what he wants or needs me to be. We ended up creating a swinging chair in the room, one of those bench things that are suspended from the ceiling. We just sat there. Awkward was pretty much an accurate description. We sat there, made small talk and just let some time pass by, just hanging out being close to one another. After a while I ended up playing a movie on the wall, heaven knows how, but with a magical room like that, it doesn’t matter, we just watched the movie together.

It was nice I suppose, to see the him I know he wants to be. But it was hard, so damn hard to not feel angry that he just keeps getting in his own way. It’s frustrating in dreams and in reality. I can’t help how I feel.

Coming out of the dream, I felt weird. Coming out of the dream was like when a nice hot shower suddenly turns freezing and you jump out of the way of the water. A nasty shock. It’s pretty short lived I suppose, that shock, but it doesn’t make it comfortable. You end up feeling cold for a while too long. It was like that, where you feel out of sorts. I guess that is why I want to avoid my phone for a while. Get away from the gateway to being exposed to other people’s energies. I just need a break from muddying the waters and to just find out what I want. To just decide what I want without the disruption of what everyone else wants me to want.

I guess I want my energy to be so focused on what I want and who I am and where I am going that it is the most dominant feeling of knowing inside of me. I guess I need to just allow myself to be me. If I can do that, I might be able to get rid of this muddled feeling where I have no idea of where I am headed. I am ready to just know, to just know and be at ease with the feeling that everything will work out for me. whatever that looks like.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except, right now… it’s not.

Pulling myself free from the kiss I can feel my back pressed against the wall. I smile weakly and let him step away. I pass by him and go to sit on the bed. I make a show of focusing on my hands. Tracing the veins under my skin with my fingertips. I am searching for a loophole. A way that I can get out of this place. Right now, I am sure he knows what I am doing, I am biding my time. This time when I run, I will get away from him, I don’t want to perform the ritual. I don’t want to die. It would take so much power to stop this ritual. To get away with syphoning that much unnoticed. That is a whole different issue.

“You can’t do it.” I look up at him, his eyes locked on mine.

“What?” I try to ask innocently.

“Escape. That kiss was to distract me wasn’t it?” I suspect what he wants to hear and what he will believe are two different things.

“Lying is your thing remember.” I say and turn my back to him. I don’t speak or move for an hour and I suppose the boredom got to him, he walked out of the room. I turn in time to watch the door close behind him. I stand up and walk as softly to the door as I can. The sea swells beneath the ship and jolts when I put my hand on the handle to get out. I hear footsteps returning to the door, so I hop lightly across the room and slip behind the desk. I watch the door handle turn and brace myself upright on the desk.

“You tried to leave.” He stares at me, not in disbelief but in disappointment.

“I need some air. I just wanted to walk on deck.” He looks at me, regarding me with suspicion. I try to pretend not to notice he hasn’t closed the door yet. It is a test and I know it. I want to be free and he knows it. It’s a stale mate. I watch him watching me and so I sit down in the chair behind the desk. I won’t escape on a risky attempt to run, not out at sea in an unknown place. I like risks, but this would be one I wouldn’t win. So I sit down and I see the surprise on his face. He walks in and closes the door. One step of good will and trust to be earned, ready to be broken when I can run, completely.

I look up at him as he takes steps further into the room. I half smile. Attempting to look as unthreatening and as innocent as possible. I watch him staring at me. He pulls something out of his back pocket and moves towards me, I shrink back a fraction into the chair. “You want to go outside you do it by my rules.” He spoke softly. Now standing between me and the desk and in his hand, something shining. A string of metal. With soft encouragement the metal began to move and manipulate. It began to snake up my wrist and his. “A manacle that can’t be broken or escaped from.” He told me. “You will be allowed outside, but only like this, attached to me. I have to be careful, you do have a habit of running away after all.” I glare at him. He begins to walk away and the metal snaked around my wrist pulls me upright and towards him biting into my wrist if I resist. “It will be less embarrassing for you if you hold my hand, the chain won’t be seen and you can keep some dignity and at least make it look like there is some trust that you won’t be running away.”

I glare at him holding out his hand to me. “Fine.” I take his hand and then I walk ahead and take the lead. I walk out on deck for the first time, and the deck is quiet. “Where is everyone?” I ask but he ignores me as I walk around on deck. There is nothing but sea in all directions. “Where are we?”

“A few miles from port.” But there is nothing but sea around us. I look out to sea, this time I focus. The glamour fades and we are in port. The ship has been docked. I recognise the land and buildings, we are home. I feel a bubbling anger growing. He had been syphoning my power for days convincing me we are still at sea and yet here we are. And he has me chained to him. I look at him. He is watching me. I turn and head back down into the cabin, he trails behind me.

“How long until we reach land?” I ask.

“A couple of days or so, we are using a magical tether so it shouldn’t take too much longer.” I nod and hold out my wrist for the chain to be unwound. He coaxes the chain down and slips it into his back pocket.

“What happens when we reach land?” I ask.

“We head up to see your parents together, as a couple ready for the ritual. We get married and we turn and then we become the most powerful beings around for many kingdoms.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” He repeats. An assassination attempt will be impossible after turning, impossible after the ritual of marriage. I smile, at least I try to. There has to be a way around this. Once we are married, we are tied together in life and death so it says. Killing him after will kill me. By my own hand killing the other ends us both. Our lives will be linked.

I stretch and walk over to the bed and fall back onto it. There has to be a way.