.: Entry One-Hundred and Eleven :.
My name is Elliot Parker, looking back at when I started this experience I feel like a completely new person. I know it sounds like a cliché. But that doesn’t really matter. I’ve grown, I had to, and it is for the best. When I started I think I was trying so hard to be so good at being a deliberate creator when all I had wanted at the time was to be different, to feel differently.
Since then the strange dreams have changed, but that’s ok, they are less clinging to an old life, an old way of being and wanting. I no longer get the dream invasions. That is good though, I am not looking back thinking where did it all go wrong, because I can see where it all went right. I started to believe in myself, I started having some self-worth and strength. I found the courage to finally cut the chords that had me bound to the past and walk away. I have outgrown situations that just seemed to hurt me more than anything.
The biggest change? I am happy, genuinely happy, even when I am heartbroken I am finding happiness. Happiness I deliberately created in the best way. In a way that makes it feel like a happy accident, when it turns out I have what I really wanted all along. And sure I can always deliberately create more stuff. But I am grateful and happy every morning when I wake up with just one thought, and every night before bed. I am back to focusing on all those good moments in my life.
I went from not being able to break a toxic immature cycle with my ex, to finding a new job, to finding the love of my life at the new job. Sure that is over simplified, and I have had some difficult friendships, very difficult friendships, but that is ok.
I think, to a degree Clover and I have grown apart in a big way. It’s not exactly sad, I don’t think that would be the right way to describe it. We aren’t as close as we used to be, I doubt we will be that close again though. And that is ok. I don’t mind. Not really. Life is a lot quieter, a tiny bit less chaotic, and I am glad she got back together with her baby daddy, even if I don’t necessarily think it will work, I think they might get a few years out of it, another kid maybe, something like that. It’s what makes her happy and she deserves to be happy. I guess that separation had to happen, she made her position clear when she was unwilling to support my relationship with Dyl for no good reason other than he wasn’t my ex, no matter how much she tried to bring the ex into conversation and make him relevant it didn’t matter, not really. The ex is the past and Dyl is not only my present but my future. Clover not supporting that was her choice, but I didn’t want to live in the past. I guess it took a long time to realise that.
Clover and I went to dinner a few months ago and she spent the whole time trying to one up whatever was going on in my life, like I could feel her trying so hard to be insistent that her life was better than mine. That’s definitely not an environment I wanted to be in, because even when my life is going wrong, she wants to say hers is worse. Our friendship shouldn’t be a competition, just because I understand that doesn’t mean she did or does. I don’t want someone always trying to be the core of any and all attention. That is ok, it’s her prerogative. I just don’t want to live like that.
So yes, I guess that friendship seems to be on its last legs.
I look back at what has changed and how I have changed and I can see all the ways that it is working out brilliantly. And I am great and happy with being a not always deliberate, deliberate creator.
Because now I am looking to the future. I am deciding what I want to do, how I want to live in this future that I am building.
When I close my eyes and let myself picture the future I think about waking up in the morning, laying in a warm bed and rolling over to find Dyl there beside me. Having extra cuddles before getting up, getting ready and getting organised to do something I love. I can see my vocation and passion being profitable. I can see myself sitting at my desk, re shuffling, looking through my papers and starting work, my fingers hitting keys after keys. Stopping for lunch and going for a short walk. Coming back and having a music lesson, before I settle down at the keys for another hour preparing tomorrows work. Taking a short break before I make a nice tasty dinner for the two of us. Relaxed and ready to watch some tv before bed. A lovely perfect day in the future, where life feels productive and simple. Being able to do that would be a wonderful dream world come true.
Sure one day that image would have to change, because that would be a great short term future, a great near future dream, but one day hopefully there will be the addition of kids to look after. So maybe that dream day schedule will change, but the core of it, being with the man I love, being able to pursue my passions (and it be profitable) and looking after our kids, to me, sounds like the most perfect future. And while I can’t wait for that future, I am in no rush. I know that the future is wide open and all sorts of things can happen, life doesn’t follow plans.