The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and my prem (premonition) dream didn’t end there.

Sawyer went in first to the furthest in seats so that he was sat next to a stranger and then I went in then Clover and then Hal near the aisle. So we chatted and had a quick flick through the programs and Clover leans over to me and says “I hope it is as good as last time.”

I smile and check Hal is ok. So anyway the safety announcement begins and we are all sat there excited. The lights go down. The show begins. The show is quite frankly amazing. Exactly how I remembered it- funny that hey? So anyway, the first act is over, awesome. We are all singing its praises kind of thing in the interval. So anyway we start snacking on our sweets and chit chatting and I can feel Sawyers knee bumping against mine. I try to ignore it and we watch the people all dressed in their Halloween costumes going up and down for ice creams and drinks. Pretty soon the music started up again and the lights went down. We were sitting there and one of the more romantic of scenes started and I felt fingertips brush mine. Sawyer was sort of holding my hand ish, more fingertips sort of touching kind of testing the waters I suppose? I don’t know, but I didn’t move my hand away. After the romantic scene was coming to a close, out of the corner of my eye I spotted Sawyer watching me. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Sawyer is like… it’s hard to describe. He’s incredibly cute and I had a crush on him for so long but for a while I used to get the feeling he didn’t see me as a person so much as a flirtation, a notch on the bedpost. But we never actually slept together so there was always that kind of weird vibe. It didn’t feel like that in the dream, it was like a natural flirting, like a chemistry type thing. Not even sexual, just flirty, getting to know you again chit chat. Things about who you are as a person. I liked it, being seen as something more.

So anyway, the show ended and this steward came over and the four of us followed him like we were told through the back ways of the theatre onto the stage where we said “hi” to the cast, had our programs signed and then we got into a photo, and Clover was next to Glinda and I ended up somewhere around Elpheba/Fieyro kind of area and Clover goes to the lady playing Glinda, “we know someone a lot like your character” and she winked at me I tried so hard not to laugh. I knew exactly who she was referring to. We get that done and we get snuck back out and near to the lobby area to leave and head back over to the train station.

“You still coming for drinks at mine?” I asked to no one in particular.

“Yeah sure if it’s still ok?” Sawyer replied ahead of anyone else. Hal and Clover nodded and off to the trains we went. We picked our train and walked around to the platform. Clover and Hal lead the way down the platform. It took a second to notice Sawyer next to me, or the way our fingers bumped against one another. It was tempting to let our fingers lace, instead, I let mine graze his before we took the step up into the train carriage to find ourselves some seats. On the journey on the train the chatter was still about the show and Clover kept mentioning how somethings kept distracting her. It took me a second before I realised and ended up blurting out “you mean you kept staring at the guy who played Fieyro’s package again like last time.” She got a little embarrassed. It made us laugh though, we teased her a bit about it on the rest of the train ride home.

So we get into my home (not my current one, but it seems I had moved into my own place, like a dream home.) and I offer drinks. Clover pops the radio on in the background. Hal gives me a hand bringing the drinks over and we chat a bit. We end up a bit tipsy and get up and dance a bit and Clover sits down playing on her phone and Sawyer is dancing with me trying to show off a little while Hal goes to the bathroom. We are just having one of those silly goofy moments. A few minutes later my phone keeps buzzing on the table. I end up going to answer the call seeing all the text notifications. On the other end, is Adrian. I don’t get a hello, instead I hear “why is Clover sending me messages telling me that I should have been there today.” Great.

“What messages?” I sigh. Not this again.

“She sent me some long message saying I should have been there today instead of going drinking with my mates. Something about you trying to show me something you love that is part of you and I’m a dick cos I said no.” I knew she was mad about him going drinking with his mates instead of coming today.

“Oh.” She didn’t need to message him. “I didn’t know she sent you a message.”

“So you think I am a dick?” He said.

“I didn’t say that.” I’m not in the mood for this. “You’re drunk go have fun with your mates.”

“What while you dance with some guy?”

“What?” Is he serious?

“She sent me a video of you dancing with some guy.”

“What the??? We are chilling out, having fun and having a drink. I don’t get what your problem is?”

“I should have been there; you shouldn’t be dancing with some other guy.”

“Are you serious? You chose to go drinking with your mates instead of coming and my friend took your ticket.”

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

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The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, the last three nights in a row, I have had some peculiar dreams. Peculiar as in ultra-realistic. By ultra-realistic I mean when I told Clover about them she said it sounded like a “prem dream” or “premonition dream”.

The dream started relatively normally, I remember getting ready for a night out with Clover and Hal. Heading into London on Halloween to see a show. So off I go to meet up with Clover and Hal at the train station to head into London together. I am the first there and I wait, the people are rushing by and Hal comes over to me, all smart in a familiar purple shirt. We chat for a couple of minutes and notice that Clover is late so we text her and she is on her way. We roll our eyes and carry on chatting. When Clover comes over I fire off a text to someone. Sawyer, a sort of friend from years ago. It’s all very weird to explain I guess. Anyway, so we head down to the platform and wait for the train chatting, we are excited. We get on the train, its packed and we are in a little huddle chatting. We get off when we get to Victoria. Sawyer is waiting for us, he was taking the spare ticket and I invited him to dinner with us before the show to kind of make it a bit less weird I guess. Sawyer and I had chatted on and off for a few years now, generally flirty if I am honest, it’s a flirty connection.

So off we go up the escalators all the way up to the food court and we end up in a restaurant Clover and I had tried before. We get seated at a table and Clover sits next to Hal and I end up on the inside of the booth seat and Sawyer plonks down next to me. So we chat politely and we order soft drinks and begin to chat thinking about the menu. I have what I call menu fog, too many choices. So I order the same thing Clover and I had ordered here last time. So there we chat and try to get a bit of conversation going, it’s still a bit weird with Sawyer and I am a bit shy. I mean, he is cute, and crush-worthy. We get chatting and Hal asks me how work is going. I smile and it’s something I can ramble on but I play it cool- ish, I don’t do well at cool. “Yeah its going ok, stats are up which is great.”

So there we are chatting and Sawyer goes “have you told front of house you are coming?” I sort of sit there a lot confused.

“Why would I do that?” I shrug.

“Well you could get the photo with the cast after the show, you know, because you’ve been in the press lately.” He said it so casually like he believed it.

“Isn’t that a bit weird though? It’s not like I am properly famous or anything.” I guess I felt a bit awkward.

“Well, you kinda are.” Clover teased.

“I’m not.” I insist.

“You are” Clover and Sawyer said at the same time. The starter arrived and our attention focused on the food. Which tasted good. Like really good.

So conversation died down while we sort of inhaled the starter. But chat soon resumed, it was my fault bringing up the topic, “the cast photo thing is a really possibility?” I ask Sawyer.

“Yeah, of course. Want me to have a word to front of house when we get there?” He asks.

“My inner nerd would be nerdgasming for a week…” He burst out laughing at me, so did Clover and Hal grinned at me. He had been on so many trips with me to things like this he knows my obsession with a signed program was pretty strong.

So conversation changes to the atmosphere, this show is notorious for a fantastic atmosphere on Halloween. When the mains arrived at the table we have relaxed into a sort of rhythm. A natural ebb and flow of conversation amongst ourselves. I felt a bump on my knee and noticed a leg against mine. I jigged my leg a little and the leg pushed against mine slightly under the table. Its Sawyers leg pressed against mine. I don’t quite know how to react so I take another sip of my drink. dinner is winding down and we are getting more and more excited about the show. We pay the bill and make our way back down the escalators. “Food coma is setting in” Clover jokes and I nod. I know the feeling its familiar. We make our slow meander across the station over to the theatre.

We got there and there was a huge crowd, we showed the tickets and got into the lobby. Sawyer disappeared for a minute and Clover, Hal and I got the programs and a couple of souvenirs. Sawyer approached with a front of house member and he checked our tickets. He asked if we wanted to change where we were sitting, but Clover and I had chosen these seats specifically so we declined. We went up the stairs and Sawyer and Hal waited for us while Clover and I went to the bathrooms. The tiny little stalls made it awkward and uncomfortable to use. Once we are done there we reapply our lip gloss and Clover goes to me, “I think Sawyer fancies you.” I just laughed and looked at her like she is crazy. We head up to the bar area and end up getting a couple of bags of sweets between us. For some weird reason I chose a bottle of water for during the show, now I know it’s not technically weird, but I usually get fizzy if possible. So anyway, we went and found our seats and the seats were in the exact right place that we had chosen online.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Author Update (September 2017)

Hiya Everyone!!!

So what has happened in September? Well,  a lot really but honestly, very little writing. I have barely had time to do much at all, not even close to what I need to complete to be remotely satisfied. Who would have thought working and a social life could take up so many hours? I didn’t, I forgot to plan and organise myself this month, and next month is looking just as busy. My current contract will be ending next month plus a couple of day trips, something tells me, nanowrimo this year may not be possible, however much I wish it could be, I just haven’t done the planning this month to get me into preparation mode for October. It may be a case of this year The Diary of Elliot Parker may be the last big project to start this year. That being said, I have written a couple more entries so there is hope yet.

This month has been a slow Netflix month what with the Bake Off  starting. Sadly I finished Heartland I wish there were more episodes, I haven’t chosen anything else to watch yet.

Guitar has been slow, I have been learning Stop the World by Demi Lovato. I haven’t practiced at all this month if I am honest with you.

My sumbissions of The Big Project to agents and publishers has slowed right down. That has more to do with my time schedule at the moment and not having the patience to do all that searching through things and getting a bit organised. Like I mentioned, it has been a bit of a crazy month! That is my own fault though, hopefully I will be more prepared this coming month to get more done.

Let’s just not say anything about that disaster diet.

Last month I said “I’m feeling like life is falling into place quite nicely at the moment. I have been happier the last couple of months than I have been in a while which is lovely.” I stand by that, while I am a lot busier and writing less than I feel like I should and need to be, I am happy. It’s been blissful. Safe to say I am very content and happy. I just need to create a life x writing balance now.

Of course I still gotta throw a little plug in for The Diary of Elliot Parker 🙂 It sure is one simple way to work out what the hell is happening, not that I am sure I can tell you that anyway…

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

The Diary of Elliot Parker Thirty-One to Sixty is available now!

 

And as always… I just want to remind you that there are books that are open, and available to you. So here is the link to my amazon author page, why not see if something takes your fancy? There is plenty up there to get you caught up from the first edition to the current of The Diary of Elliot Parker. Perhaps I might even stick something new on there soon so watch this space!!!

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA xxx

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except it’s not. Not here at least, here I am Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. That name has so much responsibility. So much weight is on my shoulders, so many will be depending on me to make this union. Or so I am told. I will be the protector of my own kingdom. Alongside the man, that right now, I want to run away from. The man keeping me prisoner. He has constructed this illusion in the effort to keep me here. Trying to make me think we are somewhere impossible to run away from.

I suppose he wants to break me, maybe build a bond or whatever. I am not interested. The only thing I can think of is making sure the damn ritual never happens. If I kill him after the funeral I will be chained to him for an eternity in hell, it will take me down with him. It would take a whole small army to surprise attack him after the ritual in order to kill him.

At the heart of this, is one question… Can I even trust him? He lied to me. He had his crew lie to me. He controlled and manipulated me.

This time when he comes into the room I decide to smile. He eyes me suspiciously. I approach him softly, like I am looking at him for the first time. I guide him over to the chair by the window and sit on his lap for a minute and talk nonsense about how calming the waves were this morning. He plays along. He is still suspicious. He should be. I put my hand gently near his, on the arm of the chair. I take a little risk. I kiss him. Gently, giving the mask of shyness which he buys into. We keep kissing, before long his kisses lose their gentleness and tenderness and he becomes hungry. I decide to stop sitting on his lap and stand in front of him. He moves to get up but I lean over and kiss him gently luring him to sit back in the chair. I bite his lip for a moment. I snake silver chains from his pockets and they pin down his hands to the chair. He laughs taking it as a joke. It is my magic now pinning him there. This time when I kiss him I snake the gold chain he had tied me with, I send it down his legs tying his ankles to the chair.

I straighten myself up.

“Why lie?” I ask.

“You will have to be more specific” he growls. I study him, he isn’t even bothering with a mask.

“I know where we are.”

“I wanted time with you, I had hoped we could fix things and it wouldn’t be a sword point wedding on your part.” I glare at him. He doesn’t stop talking, “perhaps I might have made the mistake in thinking the sword point will have to be at your throat. Perhaps I should just press the blade to your parents, the king and queen.” Seriously, does he have any morals, did he ever have any morals? What did I even think I saw in him?

“You wouldn’t let them live if you did press the blade to them. That’s one thing I learned about you. You rarely halt your blade.” I try to keep calm and cool.

“I stopped it for you.” Yes, when everything you said was an act and a lie.

“You needed me. Maybe now you don’t. Maybe now, you realise it is just not worth it.” I am not his only option, he could take another, she might be weaker, not so, damaged.

“Do you think? Because whether you want to be or not you will be my queen, and depending on how well behaved you are depends on which kingdom we will be taking first.” Taking is such an ugly way to word it. We could leave our parents kingdoms alone and just take hold of a neighbouring one.

“What do you mean by that?” I try to ask innocently. Well as innocently as I can manage.

“Untie me now and we will wait for your parents to hand us the kingdom when they are ready to pursue what they want. If not, well, I can’t guarantee my patience.” Still threatening the people who would make me marry the vile creature spitting threats and demands at me.

“You are threatening my parents?” I ask for clarity.

“Yup, and your kingdom. You run, I will make sure you are running from the ashes of all you held dear.” Jerk. Absolute jerk. I want to rip his head off.

“You are a dick!” Well that was tamer than the commentary in my head.

I don’t untie him, but I straddle his lap all the same. I hold his jaw in my hand. “You don’t get to be in charge anymore, or have you not realised that.” I hiss before I kiss him roughly, I bite his lip and make him yelp. “You don’t get to control me. You want the ritual completed?”

“Yes” he whispers breathlessly.

“You do it on my terms, I don’t do being told what to do or who to be. Am I understood?” I love the feeling of power the assertion brings.

“Yes” he is leaning for another kiss, I lean forward just a little and pull back before our lips touch again. I hear him groan.

“What was that?” I ask, toying with him, smiling.

“Kiss me again” he whispers. I lean into him and this time I narrowly miss him and kiss his cheek.

I lean a little closer to his ear, it is my turn to whisper. “Maybe later.” I smile getting back onto my feet, stepping back from the chair.

Now he stands, the thin chains fallen away, the magic drained from them. He takes a few steps towards me, I back up into the wall and he leans over me and kisses me again, hungry and warm against the wall.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I guess, I have been just as bad as Clover. To a degree at least.

I got so caught up on the way I felt about the ex, so often, that it became almost second nature. I got so caught up on the way I felt about her, it became second nature to perceive her as, I suppose, a bit of a problem. The thing is I keep trying to put myself first. I keep trying to feel better, and I don’t do anything about how I feel and relate to others. Clover is responding to how she thinks I feel. So she is being territorial and making a point of things. But it really isn’t necessary. Now Adrian is away again, I didn’t bother sending him any messages but he must still somehow be a part of my energy, whether it is in the subconscious, in dreams or whatever, but he sent me a message recently. So walking away isn’t so easy. But not willing to compromise what I want and how I want to feel is stronger, by far.

So maybe he won’t be completely out of my life. But we are friends I guess. I suppose.

So yeah so some of the stuff that annoys me about Clover, mainly her obsession with those lads who don’t even have her on social media anymore, I shouldn’t be so judgemental right? I mean, still being in love with my ex and wanting to move on still gets to me. I still talk about it. Probably a lot more than I should. I want to relax into not even letting it be something that remotely enters my mind.

Soon I will be thriving right?

Things will be easier right?

Right?

I’ve not spent much time with Clover the last week, we’ve barely chatted properly in a week. But then again, I can feel myself wanting to shut away from the world for a bit. Is that bad? To want to just avoid social media for a few days. Hell even a week.

Is that a bad thing? Wanting a week of avoiding people. To just do me for a week. A week isn’t long but it is manageable. So maybe I will disallow using my phone between certain hours. I suppose that is a way to see who wants me in my life. Maybe I will feel better for less screen time. I might build some great things to talk about with you. After all, the greatest way to get things off of your mind is to do something else. I want to let myself find out who I am. Get back in touch with how I feel and get a scope on how I want to feel and move towards that. I could find a way to feel luckier. I could find myself feeling happier. I could feel free, less tethered in.

I might do just that.

We will see… the best laid plans and all that.

I had a dream about that room again, I had a dream where I wasn’t alone. I guess that is kind of why I want to find myself. I want to know what I want. So anyway the dream? Adrian was there, he complemented at how tidy it was now. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say. I think he knows, that I have been putting myself first. I stopped being so patient. I think he knows that his conscious self has gotten in the way of what he asked me to do so many times. Waiting is just too hard. Being patient with him is just too hard. It’s too painful. I guess he couldn’t blame me. He asked me to keep trying and I’ve given up, I have given up the struggle of trying to be what he wants or needs me to be. We ended up creating a swinging chair in the room, one of those bench things that are suspended from the ceiling. We just sat there. Awkward was pretty much an accurate description. We sat there, made small talk and just let some time pass by, just hanging out being close to one another. After a while I ended up playing a movie on the wall, heaven knows how, but with a magical room like that, it doesn’t matter, we just watched the movie together.

It was nice I suppose, to see the him I know he wants to be. But it was hard, so damn hard to not feel angry that he just keeps getting in his own way. It’s frustrating in dreams and in reality. I can’t help how I feel.

Coming out of the dream, I felt weird. Coming out of the dream was like when a nice hot shower suddenly turns freezing and you jump out of the way of the water. A nasty shock. It’s pretty short lived I suppose, that shock, but it doesn’t make it comfortable. You end up feeling cold for a while too long. It was like that, where you feel out of sorts. I guess that is why I want to avoid my phone for a while. Get away from the gateway to being exposed to other people’s energies. I just need a break from muddying the waters and to just find out what I want. To just decide what I want without the disruption of what everyone else wants me to want.

I guess I want my energy to be so focused on what I want and who I am and where I am going that it is the most dominant feeling of knowing inside of me. I guess I need to just allow myself to be me. If I can do that, I might be able to get rid of this muddled feeling where I have no idea of where I am headed. I am ready to just know, to just know and be at ease with the feeling that everything will work out for me. whatever that looks like.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Four :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Except, right now… it’s not.

Pulling myself free from the kiss I can feel my back pressed against the wall. I smile weakly and let him step away. I pass by him and go to sit on the bed. I make a show of focusing on my hands. Tracing the veins under my skin with my fingertips. I am searching for a loophole. A way that I can get out of this place. Right now, I am sure he knows what I am doing, I am biding my time. This time when I run, I will get away from him, I don’t want to perform the ritual. I don’t want to die. It would take so much power to stop this ritual. To get away with syphoning that much unnoticed. That is a whole different issue.

“You can’t do it.” I look up at him, his eyes locked on mine.

“What?” I try to ask innocently.

“Escape. That kiss was to distract me wasn’t it?” I suspect what he wants to hear and what he will believe are two different things.

“Lying is your thing remember.” I say and turn my back to him. I don’t speak or move for an hour and I suppose the boredom got to him, he walked out of the room. I turn in time to watch the door close behind him. I stand up and walk as softly to the door as I can. The sea swells beneath the ship and jolts when I put my hand on the handle to get out. I hear footsteps returning to the door, so I hop lightly across the room and slip behind the desk. I watch the door handle turn and brace myself upright on the desk.

“You tried to leave.” He stares at me, not in disbelief but in disappointment.

“I need some air. I just wanted to walk on deck.” He looks at me, regarding me with suspicion. I try to pretend not to notice he hasn’t closed the door yet. It is a test and I know it. I want to be free and he knows it. It’s a stale mate. I watch him watching me and so I sit down in the chair behind the desk. I won’t escape on a risky attempt to run, not out at sea in an unknown place. I like risks, but this would be one I wouldn’t win. So I sit down and I see the surprise on his face. He walks in and closes the door. One step of good will and trust to be earned, ready to be broken when I can run, completely.

I look up at him as he takes steps further into the room. I half smile. Attempting to look as unthreatening and as innocent as possible. I watch him staring at me. He pulls something out of his back pocket and moves towards me, I shrink back a fraction into the chair. “You want to go outside you do it by my rules.” He spoke softly. Now standing between me and the desk and in his hand, something shining. A string of metal. With soft encouragement the metal began to move and manipulate. It began to snake up my wrist and his. “A manacle that can’t be broken or escaped from.” He told me. “You will be allowed outside, but only like this, attached to me. I have to be careful, you do have a habit of running away after all.” I glare at him. He begins to walk away and the metal snaked around my wrist pulls me upright and towards him biting into my wrist if I resist. “It will be less embarrassing for you if you hold my hand, the chain won’t be seen and you can keep some dignity and at least make it look like there is some trust that you won’t be running away.”

I glare at him holding out his hand to me. “Fine.” I take his hand and then I walk ahead and take the lead. I walk out on deck for the first time, and the deck is quiet. “Where is everyone?” I ask but he ignores me as I walk around on deck. There is nothing but sea in all directions. “Where are we?”

“A few miles from port.” But there is nothing but sea around us. I look out to sea, this time I focus. The glamour fades and we are in port. The ship has been docked. I recognise the land and buildings, we are home. I feel a bubbling anger growing. He had been syphoning my power for days convincing me we are still at sea and yet here we are. And he has me chained to him. I look at him. He is watching me. I turn and head back down into the cabin, he trails behind me.

“How long until we reach land?” I ask.

“A couple of days or so, we are using a magical tether so it shouldn’t take too much longer.” I nod and hold out my wrist for the chain to be unwound. He coaxes the chain down and slips it into his back pocket.

“What happens when we reach land?” I ask.

“We head up to see your parents together, as a couple ready for the ritual. We get married and we turn and then we become the most powerful beings around for many kingdoms.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” He repeats. An assassination attempt will be impossible after turning, impossible after the ritual of marriage. I smile, at least I try to. There has to be a way around this. Once we are married, we are tied together in life and death so it says. Killing him after will kill me. By my own hand killing the other ends us both. Our lives will be linked.

I stretch and walk over to the bed and fall back onto it. There has to be a way.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I may have changed, but some people haven’t.

I know, I know I said I was done with Adrian, but that doesn’t mean that I was going to be completely unreasonable. I gave him a chance, a two-week long chance. He had promised he would see me while he was back. Well, he flew back to work again last night. The promise, was as I am sure you can guess, not kept. Thing is, I wasn’t surprised. I stopped being surprised, I stopped feeling let down and disappointed I just got used to it. That is all. I got used to being let down so often that it has become an expectation. And that expectation, remains in my energy and so I am bringing more of that unwanted from him. Then again, I suppose, I am no longer willing to do the work to change that feeling about him. It is what it is. I won’t be going to visit him where he is working. I won’t be saying that his behaviour was ok. We were due to meet making plans that day to meet. Came to the time we were supposed to meet, no response. Read the message but no response. I ended up getting a message the next day that his friend turned up. I don’t understand how that stops him from sending a message to cancel. And there it is. That moment where you finally give up on something, someone that you wanted. Because, at the end of the day, I deserve better. I deserve to have promises kept, to not be let down or ignored.

I suppose it really could be the end of us even remaining friends from now on. I won’t be making the effort anymore. I won’t be waiting around anymore. I won’t be making things ok and better anymore. I just won’t be there like I used to be. Part of me is terrified that he won’t even see it or understand it, part of me is scared that he will never understand why I walked away.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But it does mean I finally understand my worth, it does mean I am learning to love and respect myself. I still love him, I think I always will, always.

I can have whatever I want. I can be whomever I want. I want to be me. I want to be Elliot Parker. But not just Elliot Parker, I want to be the best version of me, for myself, for who I am. Sometimes, I don’t even know who I am, I normally don’t think about that question, “who am I?” It doesn’t work for me. I end up in some complicated confusion and I just don’t know who or what I am or want to be.

I guess that is why it is better that I am letting Adrian go, letting the resistance and the struggle and the momentum go. Maybe it will make us both happier in the long term?

So, it happens. Probably should have happened a long time ago.

So how do I feel about that? Well that’s the thing, I don’t feel anything that strongly about it. Maybe a bit disappointed, but it just all feels, inevitable. That’s kind of sad I suppose. He was a huge part of my life, but it just seems like I was constantly making excuses or forgiving silly things over and over again, it was always the same thing so the lesson was never really learned. It was hard to accept how unhealthy it was for so long. But as leading a happy and healthy life became more important, making healthy choices became more important, and then consistently choosing a healthy choice became more important, and making exceptions to that, however much I love that person, just wasn’t enough of a reason. It’s not that there is no love there, it’s that I started doing what was right for me. So I stopped being so forgiving and understanding. I stopped responding to being treated in a way that didn’t make me happy. I have been slowly taking a step back. One at a time. To be honest, I don’t think he has even noticed.

Maybe it is for the best.

It is probably for the best.

I just hope that he gets what he wants, that it is all that he hoped it would be.

So maybe it’s not a love story, I never got the reconciliation I thought that I wanted. I got something else instead though. I found myself, which is I suppose, in a way, a better love story. It just still feels so open ended. Does closure even exist?

How many stories do we read and watch on TV where the characters get back together or the break up is clean and simple? How many times do we see that kind of hope story that makes us believe its ok to hold on? I don’t know if I can hold on anymore when I am walking away from what was. I am not even the same person I used to be, if I can accept that why am I not wanting to acknowledge that it is ok for my feelings to change and evolve. If I can accept that I am not the person I was and it is ok to love the person I am now then perhaps this story really isn’t even over, perhaps it really just is the beginning.

Perhaps this is just sort of becoming the end almost of the beginning, you know that part just before when things start making sense?

I don’t know. It is possible. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Right now, is not everything that will be. After all, all this time, I have been learning that I am a deliberate creator.

My name is Elliot Parker; I am a deliberate creator.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I have changed.

There is no use pretending I haven’t.

There is no use in pretending that my feelings haven’t changed.

Another chance to keep a promise, another chance to live up to potential, another chance again and again and again and again.

Except, when do all those chances ever end? When does it stop? Being let down, being handed excuse after excuse, being disappointed when I know how easy it would have been for that to not be the case. I know how preventable it is. How easy it is to change. How hard would it really be to be to take a chance and actually do something with it that didn’t make me feel bad or regretful for giving another chance. Stop repeating the mistakes of the past.

Well that’s it isn’t it. The definition of insanity is repeating the same events or actions and expecting different results. I have given a very clear opportunity for a second chance and an excuse was given. I can’t keep doing the same thing, so now I have been putting myself first, putting my happiness first, the change is clear. It’s a good thing though. Just not to those used to receiving infinite chances and opportunities. I am not that person anymore.

I am a forgiving person. I am forgiving myself, for all the past mistakes, all the past negative feelings, I FORGIVE MYSELF. It is the past, it is done. It is not where I am now, it can’t drag me back, I am taking the power from what was and what is… because I know what is coming is unbelievable and wonderful.

That’s the thing isn’t it, I finally have reached a place of power and a place of peace in being a deliberate creator. I ride my power in waves, slowly I am getting better, sometimes, I am in complete control. Sometimes I am in total freefall waiting for the momentum to subside so that I can stand again and begin again. Each time I stand back up, the certainty, the surety, the security, the knowledge, the wellbeing, the excitement it all becomes clear.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator.

I am ready to change my life. I can feel this flowing of transformation and change spreading from me.

First it was choosing to be happy. Choosing all those better feeling thoughts, one by one, they lead me here. I fluctuate, energy does that, but overall, even if I could unlearn things I wouldn’t. Sure it is hard, and there are times when it is the most frustrating or confusing thing on earth. When you feel like you have no strong direction, when you feel like you are in complete freefall, it feels impossible and never ending but it isn’t. I promise it passes I found the way to pull myself out of freefall so much faster. Reaching for that better feeling thought, reaching for that better feeling thought lands you in a better feeling experience. If you keep up the momentum… amazing things can happen.

The future is beckoning. Whether people deserve to be carried forward into that future, well that is up to them. But I am sure it is easy to see that the promise breaker, second chance taker, is likely to not make it.

I forgave myself. I forgive them. But the future I want, is healthy. Because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is adventurous, because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is successful, because I want it I know it will come to be. The future I want is prosperous, because I want it I know that it will come to be. The future that I want is exciting, because I want it I know it will come to be.

I am so focused; I am chasing my dreams. Chasing is the wrong word, I am not sure pursuing is right either. I am enjoying the bliss and joy of the processes of my dreams coming into my experience. I am enjoying the little moments and the big and everything in between.

My name is Elliot Parker. I have changed. I can feel it. I can feel the steady power and peace from within. The kind of peace that comes from knowing that everything, the desires I hold are unfolding wonderfully and I am ready and coming into resonance with the desires. I know that the dreams I am holding are coming.

Doesn’t power and peace and knowing feel good. It is quiet and loud, something that hums inside of you. It feels great to just be able to sit in the knowing that there is nothing that you need to or have to do to make things happen. There is no need to feel like you have to do anything to make what you want happen. There is no need to feel like a hurricane or a force to be reckoned with. Even if that is what you are. It feels wonderful to just focus on how you feel and allow the emotions you are choosing to invite to guide you into resonance with what you desire. I could be the girl to change the world. But there is no making it happen. I could be the one to change history. There is no making anything happen, no efforting something into being. When it is ready, it will come, it will happen. It will feel natural, it will feel certain and sure and easy and free and I am so ready to be choosing my path. I am enjoying the feeling of the path unfurling under my feet because I am never off of my path. I will never be off of my path. I know who I am. Who I will be. I have decided already and I am ready to just enjoy whatever is coming my way.

The Diary of Elliot Parker

.: Entry Seventy-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except I am not.

My parents chose that I should perform the marriage ritual, they want me to become a monster. I know the myth, the horror story, the cautionary tale, the reason why syphons are normally destroyed or kept from sight or knowledge. I don’t want to be a monster.

“You don’t want the power?” he asks so softly I forget why I remained quiet before. I shake my head no. He is trying to charm me to be quiet. “They scared you so badly that you never wanted marriage, to perform the ritual, to be turned.” I look away. “You know what a night child is?” I keep looking away. A faint echo of a voice says one thing, they are mistakes. “You know what a night walker is?” I keep looking away. They are the rulers of weaker kingdoms; the ones my parents show no concern of. I hear a small voice in my ear say, like a distant memory. “You know what a day walker is?” I search for the answer, I should know it, it’s like the word has been wiped from my memory. I look at him and shake my head, my confusion is clear. “We come from families that are day walkers. We are the more powerful kingdoms.” He says, and I nod, like it is an echo in my ear, a vaguely recognisable fact. “You know what a witch walker is?” My eyes widen, a feeling of fear bubbles up. The monster that they want to turn me into. “That’s what we will be, together, the first witch walkers in thousands of years, the most powerful beings on this earth.”

Does he not grasp the horror of his words? The danger he is willing to unleash upon the world. We come from day walkers, yes, that means that is what we would be, if we were normal. But we are not. I put my hand on his and look into his eyes. He is right I am a syphon. I begin to slowly pull away at his magic. The charm slowly fades as his face hardens, he can feel me pulling at his magic. He begins to fight it, to fight me pulling the magic from him. It won’t work, I have kept myself hungry for too long, my connection was pinched away from the magic for a while, long enough to create enough of a vacuum to weaken his. This is what I had been waiting for. The chance for his guard to be down enough to pull some truth from him, then some damn magic.

I could feel the magic flowing back, I no longer feel so weak. I can feel the warm buzzing filling me from head to toe. I feel my own essence, my magical signature flowing from him. So he is a syphon too. I didn’t believe the likelihood of his being a syphon too, we are rare, or at least we are supposed to be. But there we go. And here I am. I pulled my own signature entrancing magic back, it feels a familiar warmth. I keep pulling magic even as he fights it. I didn’t realise this had become a fight for the magic. Through gritted teeth I hear myself, I am angry, I can’t be blamed for being angry. “You syphoned my magic?”

“I was trying to get through to you, you put yourself in that damn bubble, until you couldn’t. Then you were just stubbornly ignoring me.” I can see the pain of the magic being pulled from him. I begin to taste his own magical signature; I can see how weak he is becoming. I stop. I let go and I watch him fall back, weak.

I stride to the door, no longer resisting the magic, no longer pinching myself away from it, I pull the spell from the door. He had magically locked me in this room, it took a lot of magic to do, and now, I am syphoning that into myself. The buzz and the warmth of the magic flowing through my veins. I touch the door handle and I hear him calling for me, I turn to look at him on the floor picking himself up. Look back at the door handle and before I have turned it he has pulled me back. “Don’t go out there, you can’t go out there.”

“Why?”

“I syphoned the magic from the boat to be able to stop you leaving, you can’t leave until I say, we are floating because I allow it.”

“You are alive because I allow it.” I hiss through gritted teeth as he pulls me further from the door handle turning the lock and resealing the room. I glare at him. He doesn’t syphon from me completely; I feel his magic leave me but no more. I hadn’t cared that he hadn’t thrown me from the door, that he had pinned me to the wall next to it. He had chosen the least painful retaking of power. A small part of me thanked him for that. But the rest of me was full of fire and fury. I could see the same temptation in his eyes. That weakness I recognised. I slowly soften the glare and bite my lip, just like I do when I am thinking, the habit I know he watches. I drop my gaze and then ever so softly let him watch as I trail my eyes up his arms and shoulders, pausing at his neck, his chin, his lips and then his eyes. I see how his observing of me has softened, it’s less focused. I feel his arms ease from being tense around me. Stopping me from running, he is granting me movement. Rather than let him step away, my hand has snaked around the back of his neck pulling him a little closer. I look up into his eyes again. This time when I pull him a fraction closer I meet him in that tiny distance and let our lips brush so softly, before he pulls me tightly to him and kisses me fiercely. Does he really think he is the one with the power in this moment?

The 2017 Project

So I am still writing 3 positive things I like about my day each day. The last month at least I have had a few days where the list is longer, the longest being seven highlights of my day which is great! My diet & eating that piece of fruit a day plan is really not working out for me.

I still occasionally apologize for myself but I am feeling more confident that has improved since my temp contract. So I suspect it is now just a matter of time and growing more confidence. I feel better for acknowledging it though and not beating myself up for it.

So the 24-7 goals update? I’ve not long completed number 4…. Write the first book of the big project!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! I got a new tattoo, which wasn’t one of the ones on the list I just had the inspiration for it and couldn’t shake the need for it.

Oh and I’ve ticked 3 off this month at last… Making that a total of 5 completed…. Only two more to go and I have booked the tickets for 14! So that won’t be too long until that makes 6 complete.

Oh and in terms of number 16 I won a free lucky dip this month… Close eh?

Now the current in progress goals are 10, 12, 14, 17, 22 as well as the ones that take time and progress to achieve for the moment and a little bit of a wait. I think I might have to do the project every year it feels more focused and fun all at once. I think planning number 2 should be added to my in progress situation.

The 24-7 goals:

1- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 2

2- Do NANOWRIMO

3- Write The Diary of Elliot Parker Part 3?

4- Write the first book of the big project

5- Finish spine tattoo

6- Finish magpie tattoo

7- Finish musical rib tattoo

8- Look for an agent/publisher for the “big” project

9- Learn to drive

10- Learn guitar

11- Finish knitting the cable knit jumper

12- Finish knitting the blankets

13- Improve views on here

14- See a west end show

15- Try and succeed at least three times on the 21 day habit swap

16- Win the lotto jackpot

17- Look for the positives more often

18- Meditate regularly

19- Keep making emotional progress

20- Keep hope and loose more doubt

21- Make posts for here in advanced, consider adding pictures, try to avoid leaving it to the last minute

22- Try to grow my hair long- aim for below the shoulder this year.

23- Become even more open-minded

24- Discover my own special brand of writers magic,

Habit swapping:

Break- Stop apologizing for myself so often. I do it a lot, it is something that really bothers me, mainly because I apologise for things that are completely not my fault and nothing to do with me. I am sick of apologizing for my own existence.

Make- Eat at least one piece of fruit a day. It is supposed to be healthy right?

Make- Write/plot at least an hour each day even on rest days. I have to start getting stricter on myself.

Make- Create and stick to a writing schedule. I have to start being more organised.

Break- Stop being hard on myself, speak kinder words to myself instead. That pretty much explains itself.

Make- A daily list of 3 positive things that I like about my day. Because sometimes it is easy to forget that there were brief sunshine moments.

Make- A daily list of 3 things that I like about myself, physical, non-physical. Because, it can be hard to show yourself some love.

Make- A little notebook of positive aspects, a once a day entry of 10 things that are positive. Literally a list of positive aspects about people, places, things; maybe one day I will post it on here.

That’s all I have for now, it might change or grow.