.: Entry Seventy-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and my prem (premonition) dream didn’t end there.

Sawyer went in first to the furthest in seats so that he was sat next to a stranger and then I went in then Clover and then Hal near the aisle. So we chatted and had a quick flick through the programs and Clover leans over to me and says “I hope it is as good as last time.”

I smile and check Hal is ok. So anyway the safety announcement begins and we are all sat there excited. The lights go down. The show begins. The show is quite frankly amazing. Exactly how I remembered it- funny that hey? So anyway, the first act is over, awesome. We are all singing its praises kind of thing in the interval. So anyway we start snacking on our sweets and chit chatting and I can feel Sawyers knee bumping against mine. I try to ignore it and we watch the people all dressed in their Halloween costumes going up and down for ice creams and drinks. Pretty soon the music started up again and the lights went down. We were sitting there and one of the more romantic of scenes started and I felt fingertips brush mine. Sawyer was sort of holding my hand ish, more fingertips sort of touching kind of testing the waters I suppose? I don’t know, but I didn’t move my hand away. After the romantic scene was coming to a close, out of the corner of my eye I spotted Sawyer watching me. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Sawyer is like… it’s hard to describe. He’s incredibly cute and I had a crush on him for so long but for a while I used to get the feeling he didn’t see me as a person so much as a flirtation, a notch on the bedpost. But we never actually slept together so there was always that kind of weird vibe. It didn’t feel like that in the dream, it was like a natural flirting, like a chemistry type thing. Not even sexual, just flirty, getting to know you again chit chat. Things about who you are as a person. I liked it, being seen as something more.

So anyway, the show ended and this steward came over and the four of us followed him like we were told through the back ways of the theatre onto the stage where we said “hi” to the cast, had our programs signed and then we got into a photo, and Clover was next to Glinda and I ended up somewhere around Elpheba/Fieyro kind of area and Clover goes to the lady playing Glinda, “we know someone a lot like your character” and she winked at me I tried so hard not to laugh. I knew exactly who she was referring to. We get that done and we get snuck back out and near to the lobby area to leave and head back over to the train station.

“You still coming for drinks at mine?” I asked to no one in particular.

“Yeah sure if it’s still ok?” Sawyer replied ahead of anyone else. Hal and Clover nodded and off to the trains we went. We picked our train and walked around to the platform. Clover and Hal lead the way down the platform. It took a second to notice Sawyer next to me, or the way our fingers bumped against one another. It was tempting to let our fingers lace, instead, I let mine graze his before we took the step up into the train carriage to find ourselves some seats. On the journey on the train the chatter was still about the show and Clover kept mentioning how somethings kept distracting her. It took me a second before I realised and ended up blurting out “you mean you kept staring at the guy who played Fieyro’s package again like last time.” She got a little embarrassed. It made us laugh though, we teased her a bit about it on the rest of the train ride home.

So we get into my home (not my current one, but it seems I had moved into my own place, like a dream home.) and I offer drinks. Clover pops the radio on in the background. Hal gives me a hand bringing the drinks over and we chat a bit. We end up a bit tipsy and get up and dance a bit and Clover sits down playing on her phone and Sawyer is dancing with me trying to show off a little while Hal goes to the bathroom. We are just having one of those silly goofy moments. A few minutes later my phone keeps buzzing on the table. I end up going to answer the call seeing all the text notifications. On the other end, is Adrian. I don’t get a hello, instead I hear “why is Clover sending me messages telling me that I should have been there today.” Great.

“What messages?” I sigh. Not this again.

“She sent me some long message saying I should have been there today instead of going drinking with my mates. Something about you trying to show me something you love that is part of you and I’m a dick cos I said no.” I knew she was mad about him going drinking with his mates instead of coming today.

“Oh.” She didn’t need to message him. “I didn’t know she sent you a message.”

“So you think I am a dick?” He said.

“I didn’t say that.” I’m not in the mood for this. “You’re drunk go have fun with your mates.”

“What while you dance with some guy?”

“What?” Is he serious?

“She sent me a video of you dancing with some guy.”

“What the??? We are chilling out, having fun and having a drink. I don’t get what your problem is?”

“I should have been there; you shouldn’t be dancing with some other guy.”

“Are you serious? You chose to go drinking with your mates instead of coming and my friend took your ticket.”

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, the last three nights in a row, I have had some peculiar dreams. Peculiar as in ultra-realistic. By ultra-realistic I mean when I told Clover about them she said it sounded like a “prem dream” or “premonition dream”.

The dream started relatively normally, I remember getting ready for a night out with Clover and Hal. Heading into London on Halloween to see a show. So off I go to meet up with Clover and Hal at the train station to head into London together. I am the first there and I wait, the people are rushing by and Hal comes over to me, all smart in a familiar purple shirt. We chat for a couple of minutes and notice that Clover is late so we text her and she is on her way. We roll our eyes and carry on chatting. When Clover comes over I fire off a text to someone. Sawyer, a sort of friend from years ago. It’s all very weird to explain I guess. Anyway, so we head down to the platform and wait for the train chatting, we are excited. We get on the train, its packed and we are in a little huddle chatting. We get off when we get to Victoria. Sawyer is waiting for us, he was taking the spare ticket and I invited him to dinner with us before the show to kind of make it a bit less weird I guess. Sawyer and I had chatted on and off for a few years now, generally flirty if I am honest, it’s a flirty connection.

So off we go up the escalators all the way up to the food court and we end up in a restaurant Clover and I had tried before. We get seated at a table and Clover sits next to Hal and I end up on the inside of the booth seat and Sawyer plonks down next to me. So we chat politely and we order soft drinks and begin to chat thinking about the menu. I have what I call menu fog, too many choices. So I order the same thing Clover and I had ordered here last time. So there we chat and try to get a bit of conversation going, it’s still a bit weird with Sawyer and I am a bit shy. I mean, he is cute, and crush-worthy. We get chatting and Hal asks me how work is going. I smile and it’s something I can ramble on but I play it cool- ish, I don’t do well at cool. “Yeah its going ok, stats are up which is great.”

So there we are chatting and Sawyer goes “have you told front of house you are coming?” I sort of sit there a lot confused.

“Why would I do that?” I shrug.

“Well you could get the photo with the cast after the show, you know, because you’ve been in the press lately.” He said it so casually like he believed it.

“Isn’t that a bit weird though? It’s not like I am properly famous or anything.” I guess I felt a bit awkward.

“Well, you kinda are.” Clover teased.

“I’m not.” I insist.

“You are” Clover and Sawyer said at the same time. The starter arrived and our attention focused on the food. Which tasted good. Like really good.

So conversation died down while we sort of inhaled the starter. But chat soon resumed, it was my fault bringing up the topic, “the cast photo thing is a really possibility?” I ask Sawyer.

“Yeah, of course. Want me to have a word to front of house when we get there?” He asks.

“My inner nerd would be nerdgasming for a week…” He burst out laughing at me, so did Clover and Hal grinned at me. He had been on so many trips with me to things like this he knows my obsession with a signed program was pretty strong.

So conversation changes to the atmosphere, this show is notorious for a fantastic atmosphere on Halloween. When the mains arrived at the table we have relaxed into a sort of rhythm. A natural ebb and flow of conversation amongst ourselves. I felt a bump on my knee and noticed a leg against mine. I jigged my leg a little and the leg pushed against mine slightly under the table. Its Sawyers leg pressed against mine. I don’t quite know how to react so I take another sip of my drink. dinner is winding down and we are getting more and more excited about the show. We pay the bill and make our way back down the escalators. “Food coma is setting in” Clover jokes and I nod. I know the feeling its familiar. We make our slow meander across the station over to the theatre.

We got there and there was a huge crowd, we showed the tickets and got into the lobby. Sawyer disappeared for a minute and Clover, Hal and I got the programs and a couple of souvenirs. Sawyer approached with a front of house member and he checked our tickets. He asked if we wanted to change where we were sitting, but Clover and I had chosen these seats specifically so we declined. We went up the stairs and Sawyer and Hal waited for us while Clover and I went to the bathrooms. The tiny little stalls made it awkward and uncomfortable to use. Once we are done there we reapply our lip gloss and Clover goes to me, “I think Sawyer fancies you.” I just laughed and looked at her like she is crazy. We head up to the bar area and end up getting a couple of bags of sweets between us. For some weird reason I chose a bottle of water for during the show, now I know it’s not technically weird, but I usually get fizzy if possible. So anyway, we went and found our seats and the seats were in the exact right place that we had chosen online.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except it’s not. Not here at least, here I am Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. That name has so much responsibility. So much weight is on my shoulders, so many will be depending on me to make this union. Or so I am told. I will be the protector of my own kingdom. Alongside the man, that right now, I want to run away from. The man keeping me prisoner. He has constructed this illusion in the effort to keep me here. Trying to make me think we are somewhere impossible to run away from.

I suppose he wants to break me, maybe build a bond or whatever. I am not interested. The only thing I can think of is making sure the damn ritual never happens. If I kill him after the funeral I will be chained to him for an eternity in hell, it will take me down with him. It would take a whole small army to surprise attack him after the ritual in order to kill him.

At the heart of this, is one question… Can I even trust him? He lied to me. He had his crew lie to me. He controlled and manipulated me.

This time when he comes into the room I decide to smile. He eyes me suspiciously. I approach him softly, like I am looking at him for the first time. I guide him over to the chair by the window and sit on his lap for a minute and talk nonsense about how calming the waves were this morning. He plays along. He is still suspicious. He should be. I put my hand gently near his, on the arm of the chair. I take a little risk. I kiss him. Gently, giving the mask of shyness which he buys into. We keep kissing, before long his kisses lose their gentleness and tenderness and he becomes hungry. I decide to stop sitting on his lap and stand in front of him. He moves to get up but I lean over and kiss him gently luring him to sit back in the chair. I bite his lip for a moment. I snake silver chains from his pockets and they pin down his hands to the chair. He laughs taking it as a joke. It is my magic now pinning him there. This time when I kiss him I snake the gold chain he had tied me with, I send it down his legs tying his ankles to the chair.

I straighten myself up.

“Why lie?” I ask.

“You will have to be more specific” he growls. I study him, he isn’t even bothering with a mask.

“I know where we are.”

“I wanted time with you, I had hoped we could fix things and it wouldn’t be a sword point wedding on your part.” I glare at him. He doesn’t stop talking, “perhaps I might have made the mistake in thinking the sword point will have to be at your throat. Perhaps I should just press the blade to your parents, the king and queen.” Seriously, does he have any morals, did he ever have any morals? What did I even think I saw in him?

“You wouldn’t let them live if you did press the blade to them. That’s one thing I learned about you. You rarely halt your blade.” I try to keep calm and cool.

“I stopped it for you.” Yes, when everything you said was an act and a lie.

“You needed me. Maybe now you don’t. Maybe now, you realise it is just not worth it.” I am not his only option, he could take another, she might be weaker, not so, damaged.

“Do you think? Because whether you want to be or not you will be my queen, and depending on how well behaved you are depends on which kingdom we will be taking first.” Taking is such an ugly way to word it. We could leave our parents kingdoms alone and just take hold of a neighbouring one.

“What do you mean by that?” I try to ask innocently. Well as innocently as I can manage.

“Untie me now and we will wait for your parents to hand us the kingdom when they are ready to pursue what they want. If not, well, I can’t guarantee my patience.” Still threatening the people who would make me marry the vile creature spitting threats and demands at me.

“You are threatening my parents?” I ask for clarity.

“Yup, and your kingdom. You run, I will make sure you are running from the ashes of all you held dear.” Jerk. Absolute jerk. I want to rip his head off.

“You are a dick!” Well that was tamer than the commentary in my head.

I don’t untie him, but I straddle his lap all the same. I hold his jaw in my hand. “You don’t get to be in charge anymore, or have you not realised that.” I hiss before I kiss him roughly, I bite his lip and make him yelp. “You don’t get to control me. You want the ritual completed?”

“Yes” he whispers breathlessly.

“You do it on my terms, I don’t do being told what to do or who to be. Am I understood?” I love the feeling of power the assertion brings.

“Yes” he is leaning for another kiss, I lean forward just a little and pull back before our lips touch again. I hear him groan.

“What was that?” I ask, toying with him, smiling.

“Kiss me again” he whispers. I lean into him and this time I narrowly miss him and kiss his cheek.

I lean a little closer to his ear, it is my turn to whisper. “Maybe later.” I smile getting back onto my feet, stepping back from the chair.

Now he stands, the thin chains fallen away, the magic drained from them. He takes a few steps towards me, I back up into the wall and he leans over me and kisses me again, hungry and warm against the wall.

.: Entry Seventy-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I guess, I have been just as bad as Clover. To a degree at least.

I got so caught up on the way I felt about the ex, so often, that it became almost second nature. I got so caught up on the way I felt about her, it became second nature to perceive her as, I suppose, a bit of a problem. The thing is I keep trying to put myself first. I keep trying to feel better, and I don’t do anything about how I feel and relate to others. Clover is responding to how she thinks I feel. So she is being territorial and making a point of things. But it really isn’t necessary. Now Adrian is away again, I didn’t bother sending him any messages but he must still somehow be a part of my energy, whether it is in the subconscious, in dreams or whatever, but he sent me a message recently. So walking away isn’t so easy. But not willing to compromise what I want and how I want to feel is stronger, by far.

So maybe he won’t be completely out of my life. But we are friends I guess. I suppose.

So yeah so some of the stuff that annoys me about Clover, mainly her obsession with those lads who don’t even have her on social media anymore, I shouldn’t be so judgemental right? I mean, still being in love with my ex and wanting to move on still gets to me. I still talk about it. Probably a lot more than I should. I want to relax into not even letting it be something that remotely enters my mind.

Soon I will be thriving right?

Things will be easier right?

Right?

I’ve not spent much time with Clover the last week, we’ve barely chatted properly in a week. But then again, I can feel myself wanting to shut away from the world for a bit. Is that bad? To want to just avoid social media for a few days. Hell even a week.

Is that a bad thing? Wanting a week of avoiding people. To just do me for a week. A week isn’t long but it is manageable. So maybe I will disallow using my phone between certain hours. I suppose that is a way to see who wants me in my life. Maybe I will feel better for less screen time. I might build some great things to talk about with you. After all, the greatest way to get things off of your mind is to do something else. I want to let myself find out who I am. Get back in touch with how I feel and get a scope on how I want to feel and move towards that. I could find a way to feel luckier. I could find myself feeling happier. I could feel free, less tethered in.

I might do just that.

We will see… the best laid plans and all that.

I had a dream about that room again, I had a dream where I wasn’t alone. I guess that is kind of why I want to find myself. I want to know what I want. So anyway the dream? Adrian was there, he complemented at how tidy it was now. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say. I think he knows, that I have been putting myself first. I stopped being so patient. I think he knows that his conscious self has gotten in the way of what he asked me to do so many times. Waiting is just too hard. Being patient with him is just too hard. It’s too painful. I guess he couldn’t blame me. He asked me to keep trying and I’ve given up, I have given up the struggle of trying to be what he wants or needs me to be. We ended up creating a swinging chair in the room, one of those bench things that are suspended from the ceiling. We just sat there. Awkward was pretty much an accurate description. We sat there, made small talk and just let some time pass by, just hanging out being close to one another. After a while I ended up playing a movie on the wall, heaven knows how, but with a magical room like that, it doesn’t matter, we just watched the movie together.

It was nice I suppose, to see the him I know he wants to be. But it was hard, so damn hard to not feel angry that he just keeps getting in his own way. It’s frustrating in dreams and in reality. I can’t help how I feel.

Coming out of the dream, I felt weird. Coming out of the dream was like when a nice hot shower suddenly turns freezing and you jump out of the way of the water. A nasty shock. It’s pretty short lived I suppose, that shock, but it doesn’t make it comfortable. You end up feeling cold for a while too long. It was like that, where you feel out of sorts. I guess that is why I want to avoid my phone for a while. Get away from the gateway to being exposed to other people’s energies. I just need a break from muddying the waters and to just find out what I want. To just decide what I want without the disruption of what everyone else wants me to want.

I guess I want my energy to be so focused on what I want and who I am and where I am going that it is the most dominant feeling of knowing inside of me. I guess I need to just allow myself to be me. If I can do that, I might be able to get rid of this muddled feeling where I have no idea of where I am headed. I am ready to just know, to just know and be at ease with the feeling that everything will work out for me. whatever that looks like.