.: Entry Seventy-Five :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I guess, I have been just as bad as Clover. To a degree at least.
I got so caught up on the way I felt about the ex, so often, that it became almost second nature. I got so caught up on the way I felt about her, it became second nature to perceive her as, I suppose, a bit of a problem. The thing is I keep trying to put myself first. I keep trying to feel better, and I don’t do anything about how I feel and relate to others. Clover is responding to how she thinks I feel. So she is being territorial and making a point of things. But it really isn’t necessary. Now Adrian is away again, I didn’t bother sending him any messages but he must still somehow be a part of my energy, whether it is in the subconscious, in dreams or whatever, but he sent me a message recently. So walking away isn’t so easy. But not willing to compromise what I want and how I want to feel is stronger, by far.
So maybe he won’t be completely out of my life. But we are friends I guess. I suppose.
So yeah so some of the stuff that annoys me about Clover, mainly her obsession with those lads who don’t even have her on social media anymore, I shouldn’t be so judgemental right? I mean, still being in love with my ex and wanting to move on still gets to me. I still talk about it. Probably a lot more than I should. I want to relax into not even letting it be something that remotely enters my mind.
Soon I will be thriving right?
Things will be easier right?
I’ve not spent much time with Clover the last week, we’ve barely chatted properly in a week. But then again, I can feel myself wanting to shut away from the world for a bit. Is that bad? To want to just avoid social media for a few days. Hell even a week.
Is that a bad thing? Wanting a week of avoiding people. To just do me for a week. A week isn’t long but it is manageable. So maybe I will disallow using my phone between certain hours. I suppose that is a way to see who wants me in my life. Maybe I will feel better for less screen time. I might build some great things to talk about with you. After all, the greatest way to get things off of your mind is to do something else. I want to let myself find out who I am. Get back in touch with how I feel and get a scope on how I want to feel and move towards that. I could find a way to feel luckier. I could find myself feeling happier. I could feel free, less tethered in.
I might do just that.
We will see… the best laid plans and all that.
I had a dream about that room again, I had a dream where I wasn’t alone. I guess that is kind of why I want to find myself. I want to know what I want. So anyway the dream? Adrian was there, he complemented at how tidy it was now. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say. I think he knows, that I have been putting myself first. I stopped being so patient. I think he knows that his conscious self has gotten in the way of what he asked me to do so many times. Waiting is just too hard. Being patient with him is just too hard. It’s too painful. I guess he couldn’t blame me. He asked me to keep trying and I’ve given up, I have given up the struggle of trying to be what he wants or needs me to be. We ended up creating a swinging chair in the room, one of those bench things that are suspended from the ceiling. We just sat there. Awkward was pretty much an accurate description. We sat there, made small talk and just let some time pass by, just hanging out being close to one another. After a while I ended up playing a movie on the wall, heaven knows how, but with a magical room like that, it doesn’t matter, we just watched the movie together.
It was nice I suppose, to see the him I know he wants to be. But it was hard, so damn hard to not feel angry that he just keeps getting in his own way. It’s frustrating in dreams and in reality. I can’t help how I feel.
Coming out of the dream, I felt weird. Coming out of the dream was like when a nice hot shower suddenly turns freezing and you jump out of the way of the water. A nasty shock. It’s pretty short lived I suppose, that shock, but it doesn’t make it comfortable. You end up feeling cold for a while too long. It was like that, where you feel out of sorts. I guess that is why I want to avoid my phone for a while. Get away from the gateway to being exposed to other people’s energies. I just need a break from muddying the waters and to just find out what I want. To just decide what I want without the disruption of what everyone else wants me to want.
I guess I want my energy to be so focused on what I want and who I am and where I am going that it is the most dominant feeling of knowing inside of me. I guess I need to just allow myself to be me. If I can do that, I might be able to get rid of this muddled feeling where I have no idea of where I am headed. I am ready to just know, to just know and be at ease with the feeling that everything will work out for me. whatever that looks like.