.: Entry Forty-Four :.
My name is Elliot Parker. My diary thing crashed on me as I started writing this post so now I have to either remember what I was talking about or give it up. I want to do both.
So yeah where was I before it went and crashed? How can someone seriously create such an argument in so few words? I just don’t understand how that can happen, l mean, why act so thoughtlessly? I’m not saying I’m perfect, this whole kick off about me talking to Clover instead of him, it wouldn’t have happened if I had spoken to him instead. I just didn’t feel safe or secure enough that I could bring that topic up with him without it being a huge blown out of proportion thing. Pretty much like how it is now.
I guess it just was a bit of a surprise, I mean, being ambushed then put in that position where I don’t know all that has been said, what they said that I am getting yelled at for. Like just that or is there more to it? I still don’t want to discuss the issue of me talking to someone else about him making me feel cheap or is it that he wanted to talk about why I felt cheap? I don’t know.
I think recently, since I decided what I am willing to accept, what I deserve and how I want to be treated; that seems to have become something people want to test. It’s a steep learning curve, really sticking up for myself. But it is a case of people wanting to test these new boundaries I am putting up. Especially Adrian.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, which is frustrating, but I still love him and that is why I am so pissed off about all of this. I just don’t like him now testing my boundaries so often to see what he can get away with, he’s not a child, he’s a grown man. He doesn’t need to test boundaries like he is a child, it would be lovely if he could talk to me without me feeling cornered or under attack.
So it has taken a bit of persuading to find out what Clover has said… And it is a lot more than her just telling him that he made me feel cheap.
“Hey look let’s push all the niceties out of the way!!! You have majorly fucked up where Elliot’s concerned!!! Who the fuck actually takes money out and hands it over like that! You do realise you made her feel like she was a disappointment and cheap like you was paying for it! For her!!! (Angry emoji face times two) Look lets NOT play dumb you know she loves you and more than anything wants a fresh new start relationship with you!! It doesn’t matter how far your job is or where your living at the moment yeah!!! You make it work!!!! I’m so disappointed in you! Im normally your biggest fan your number 1 cheerleader and everyone else is against you! Not this time!! Look listen when you and her do things… it aint just fun its love!!!!! You clearly have feelings for her!! Let me tell you she is the only one for you!! An deep down you know it too!!! (Hey I aint selling her to you!! Im just triggering your brain cells! For someone whos so clever your actually quite thick!!!) if you don’t sort this out before you go back!! Im 100% sure you will regret it!! And you’ll lose her!!! only you can make this right Thursday you pulled a dick move… even the guy im talking to at the moment said it was a dick move!! You need to decide what happiness you want in your life and go for it!! TAKE A FUCKING RISK!!!!! Man up!!! Grow some balls and go get your girl!! Before shes gone!! If your too pussy you need to realise her happiness don’t end or start with you!!! That girl is amazing shes a freaking source of happiness and deserves all the fucking happiness she wants!!! You absolute arsehole!!! I aint meaning to be nasty because I quite like you… but you need to know what a prize arsehole you’ve been mate!! Nuff love peace!”
Well that was quite the message. I counted like fourteen-ish things he could have yelled at me about, he yelled at me about the him making me feel cheap and not going to him about it. Let’s analyse that message as things he could get mad about:
- She messaged him out the blue
- She told him he fucked up
- He made me feel like a disappointment
- He made me feel cheap (like a whore in not so many words, but she gives the nod to what she means)
- That she outed me for loving him still (something he already knew)
- That she said I wanted a fresh start, that it doesn’t matter how far his job is it can work.
- That she said she hung up those pompoms and wasn’t gonna be his cheerleader trying to excuse his actions
- That she said there is love when we are together
- That she knows about us meeting up
- That told him that she knows he has feelings for me
- That I am the only one for him
- That she said he knows that im the only one
- That he will loose me
- That she said he pulled a dick move and she talked about it with someone and they agreed with her
- That she told him that he needs to take a risk on me
- That he needs to get balls and go get me
- That my happiness is orientated beyond him
- That she said I deserve happiness
- That he gets called an arsehole or dickhead like three times or something
Ha turns out I could list nineteen things he could pick a fight about. Like the whole arsehole/dickhead part could be a legit arguing point, that she is aware of what happens when we meet up would be a thing to argue about. That she told him and put words in his mouth about his feelings about me, that she put words in my mouth about feelings about him. Instead he made a bull in a china shop attempt to bring me round to his way of thinking about how I should talk to him about him making me feel cheap.