.: Entry Forty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker; the past twenty-four hours has been a series of unfortunate events.

So yeah, things with Adrian have been pretty weird. I’ve still not been bending over backwards, I think it’s been noticed a bit, not consciously, but noticed to a degree. He called the other day to tell me that he was having a problem with the shipping company and he didn’t want to go back to work. What was I meant to do about that? His next topic was that he was waiting to go to a party, it was his friend’s birthday and he had been told to wait until his ex from when he was 17 had left the party so things didn’t go awkward. Safe to say I wondered what happened in the relationship for it to be awkward after all those years, probably the same thing that happened with us.

So that was the bit before I divulge yesterday.

For me, time in the shower is an easy way for me to raise my energy, it improves my mood, I become more receptive to ideas and suggestions.

Well yesterday I got out the shower, listening to a great meditation that was nice and relaxing and I began to feel ready to start my day. So imagine that, I am there wrapped in towels, potting about and tidying up after my shower when my phone rings in the middle of the recording I was listening to. So I sigh and decide to answer the phone. It’s Adrian. The first few words were “It’s just a quick call, I received a message from Clover.”

So I said, “Oh what now?”

“She said that I made you feel cheap.”

“Right”

“Why would you go to her about this rather than talk to me?”

“Because I was in a bad mood and upset and she was there and asked what was wrong.” – what I really couldn’t say was I don’t know if it is something that is safe to talk about with you.

“So you went to her instead of me?”

“I tried it felt really awkward-”

“So I made you feel cheap?”

“Yes-”

“I gave it to you then because I didn’t want to forget to give you the money or I would have felt worse.”

“Ok I understand that but I said then that the timing didn’t make me feel good.”

“But if I had forgotten I would have felt worse. Well we aren’t doing that again then.”

“What do you-? I don’t want to discuss this now; we will talk about it later. I’m going.”

“Yeah ok I don’t want to talk about it right now either I have stuff I need to get done, talk later.”

“Yeah, bye” End of phone call.

Oh boy was I pissed off. Like seriously, yelling at me, when I don’t feel well. Really? Seriously? His tone was cutting, it was aggressive and I felt cornered in the dark.

He didn’t want to let the conversation go, he sent me a message saying “see why didn’t u just tell me this?”

My response after I cooled my mood a little “Because I felt awkward about telling you, I tried to mention it but it felt like it got sidelined. To be honest I really don’t appreciate being yelled at for a message I didn’t send about something I spoke about in confidence. I am really not well and you know that yet you still thought it was ok to be aggressive down the phone at me”

After a while I get sent three messages, “wasn’t yelling”, “stressed out”, “and pissed off.” My response? “Well it felt like yelling to me.”  His response after a while, “not, just thought you would tell me but obviously not” well now I was mad. That was harsh, and a guilt trip to make me feel guilty about not telling him that he made me feel bad. Well I am sorry if I don’t know what is safe to talk about with you. I don’t want to piss you off by accident or not, I don’t want to be made to feel like I am making you feel like a dickhead because I spoke honestly about how I felt. Seriously, it’s not fair to try to pull an emotional game like that when it’s not ok if it was me who tried it. I just didn’t know what to respond, whatever I would have responded would have made it worse. After an hour I got sent “you ok?” my response was plain and simple, “no”, his response “sick?”

Is that him hoping that the reason I am not ok is just cos I’m not well, something that we discussed that morning that he told me to go to A&E with to get a second opinion, so it’s not like he was freaking clueless. My reply, “Feeling week and tense and exhausted constantly and the frustration with that is just the icing on the cake.”

“aww, get better soon, make it your Christmas wish.” Seriously, now you are acting nice? Now? After your freaking trap didn’t work, hmm. “Make it your Christmas wish.” Seriously, for the last few years my Christmas wish has remained the same, the same wish, the same reason, nothing to do with my health. So I took the olive branch, “thanks, Christmas wish? You believe in those?” then about 5 minutes after he sent me the nice message I get emails from my account. Oh hell I was fuming. Like seriously, did he think I was going to change the password and run off? JACKASS. So I calmed enough to reduce my reply to only slight passive aggressive “I take it you want me to forward the emails” him, “na it ok” oh really… FUMING TIMES 1000 now. I didn’t bother toning it down.

“What did you think I was going to do? Change my password and run off, would have been nice to have a warning not a mini heart attack at the random email from my account and then having to work out it was you.” Normally he had the courtesy to warn me he was going to use my account before the fact not just say nothing. Wanna know what he replied? “Sorry” “In a mad rush” “No” “Gonna check my stuff on the plane.”

My response, “travel safe” his “Thanks”

I am sorry that he doesn’t like that I have set and clearly defined what I do and do not deserve, created boundaries and am now sticking to them. I deserve to be happy and this, wasn’t making me happy.