.: Entry Forty-Two :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
I made a silly joke, I told Adrian that I got my Christmas present with the extra he gave me when he was a total dick. He was a total dick again. I just rolled my eyes and made sure it came from my money in the account not his. But do you know that would have been the first Christmas present in the years he has known me (roughly two or maybe is it three, probably two) that he would have got me. You see at Christmas or my birthday I would always hear the traditional line of “I forgot to bring it it’s in my room/car” or “I forgot to put it back in when I was tidying my car.”
I know it’s not about receiving gifts, but it is about the thought. Or the lack thereof. I always gave the Christmas/birthday present, and the first time he went away for work a going away present, a keep safe keepsake type thing. I know they aren’t exactly expensive because my wage is pretty damn low, but I have always tried and always put thought and time and consideration into it. It just sucks to know that I didn’t cross his mind of consideration.
So anyway, I showed Clover what I had chosen, now to me I thought, oh they are a cute pair of wings that could be a stacking set, she went “oh they look like an engagement set.” I WAS NOT IMPRESSED. But hey I just get a bit tired of the contrast at the moment.
I am in the habit of wishing for things to work out with Adrian and I, it is a habit. I don’t necessarily want to wish that anymore, now the wish just feels like a habitual sort of comfort blanket of an idea, of a dream.
My name is Elliot Parker, and recently I haven’t been paying much attention to Adrian. He sends me a message and I’ve not been responding right away or just leaving it on read for a while. It made me feel better not dealing with the cause of my recent hurt feelings. So I left him on read and about three to four hours later I got about ten messages in a row, so I did respond and he was saying that he was getting ill so I wished him to get better and sort of went back to doing what I wanted to do. He has always been one to pop up when I am happy or feeling better about my life, it’s like he’s drawn to me like a magnet. Only this time I don’t feel like playing ball and sharing my good feelings, I like them and I enjoy them and they are mine. Hmpf.
So yesterday evening I got a load of messages from him saying that he was having a crisis, he’s 26 still playing the same games with the same friends doing the same things and before I respond he’s gone and said he will talk to me tomorrow (today) and I read the messages thinking “what the fuck? Is he serious?” His life is not as stagnant as he thinks and his demand for attention didn’t get the reaction he probably wanted.
So I replied- and I still stand by the support I offered:
If you wanna talk I am here, if you want advice I am here, but I want to talk to you, or technically at you.
I have been so frustrated by my limits these days, I am 25 with a psycho for a mother, living with my nana, spending every day in a world of pain. I am nowhere near my life plan, I went from really feeling shit after I saw you and finding my own empowerment in days. I realised what I want, I discovered that I deserve to be happy, healthy and deciding that is a great priority. I am so proud I turned my mood and my emotional compass around so fast. It has taken me 25 years to truly get a back bone and stand by the fact that I deserve to be happy and respect myself and embrace and accept myself which has been nearly impossible. My life is pretty much stagnant until I heal and build stamina and not live in compromise.
I am 25 my best friends are people I met in high school, all of us seem to be drifting. My other best friend is my ex and even then it’s a weird relationship at which I am sure you agree with.
Life is nothing like what it “should” be. Doesn’t mean it can’t be. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you happy or you can’t be happy. Happiness is never guaranteed in the future, it only exists in the now and if you aren’t willing to go for what makes you happy and enjoy or accept what makes you happy you are chasing the past notions of it. Straight up, I never expected to be 25, unemployed and pretty much unemployable still living with my family because my mother is a complete psycho only out for herself.
Don’t ever worry about where you are because it doesn’t matter, it’s constantly changing. What matters is: are you going to find happiness while it’s changing? Now are you going to talk to me like a grown ass adult or keep ignoring my incredible wisdom?
Sorry for the rant, but yeah everything is always working out and I listen to meditations and rampages when I get anxious. Try it.
That is what I had to say. The blunt of it. I know it wasn’t the response he thought he would get or the response that he wanted. It truly wasn’t what he expected because normally I would have been a soft touch, I would have tried to make him feel better pandering to him and what I knew he wanted and needed me to say. Instead I had my mini rampage not to make him feel better but to make me feel better. I wanted to feel better and my rampage got me into that better feeling place. I don’t think he liked it, it was all read and he didn’t reply to me that evening.
So what I am right? Happiness is a choice and it is an active choice I am making. My priorities changed thanks to the last time I saw him it was the catalyst to me putting my-own- damn-self first.