.: Entry Ninety-Eight :.
My name is Elliot Parker.
There have been quite a few, too many to name, mornings in my life where I have woken up in my life and wondered what the hell I was doing. It’s not the first time I have ever had that feeling when I wake up with the horrific realisation that this is definitely not what I had pictured my life would be like. It’s happened a lot probably due to me repressing large chunks of time and playing instant catch up to where I am now. But this morning I woke up, there wasn’t any displeasure in my morning thoughts about where I am in my life, but that is mainly because I am happy.
For a large portion of my life, I feel happy and relaxed. So this time should be filled so much with uncertainty, usually I would be majorly panicking. But since I have spent this time with Dyl that hasn’t happened. I am waiting to see if my contract will be made permanent. I would really like my contract to be made permanent I like working there, I like my colleagues and the friends I am making. But most of all, I like bumping into Dyl at work and occasionally being able to steal a kiss. I know, not very professional. But I do like it there. I like working there, I like the fun and the friendly environment.
So while I got rejected for a job that I didn’t want in a place that I didn’t want to work, that I only applied to as a back-up option, I can’t exactly say I feel bad. Not disappointed, just a bit average about it, I didn’t like the impression I got from them. We didn’t click energy wise and that is ok. I really like where I work now and I want to stay there, we click and get along. That is where I feel happiest. Being somewhere fun and enjoyable, even with the odd bad day, I still like working there, I don’t dread going to work. Sometimes I might feel a bit lazy about the notion and idea of going to work but that is ok.
I really enjoy working in a place where I can be positive. I enjoy working in a place where I feel like for the short time I am working there is an easy job that I get to enjoy. I get to meet new people and develop familiar interactions focused around positivity with regular, frequent people that are around me.
There is more to this good feeling than just where I work, because when I wake up in the morning I can lay there and just smile. I have to admit, that the first thought when I wake up has, for a short while, been Dyl. We have been getting along, we have a lovely steady relationship going. The dating phase passed and we have become “official” and it’s been almost a month and it just feels like yesterday. But more than that, it feels like even though it’s been a short time, its flown by because it has been so enjoyable. It has been a really happy positively focused time.
I have enjoyed spending the time with him, but it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have because we have clicked into place with each other. It just feels right and natural, the old me would have freaked out and wanted to run away more than once by now.
Sure I never intended to develop feelings for Dyl, that was never my plan, but he has repeatedly surprised me. We are stable together, his crazy compliments my crazy.
I think when I interact with him, when I do send him a message I want him to look at it and smile, I want him to feel good, I want him to know that he is appreciated for being himself. I want him to feel good yes, just like I want to feel good but I am not holding myself accountable for his happiness and he is not being held accountable for mine. Though yes he does make me happy, it’s like the super bonus kind of happy. Like the icing on the cake of happy. It makes things better. I don’t want him to feel like I am dependant on him to make me happy, I want him to feel like, yes she is there for me, yes she makes me happy. I want us both to just enjoy this time together, the way that just knowing the other exists makes us happy. I can’t help but smile when I think about him, which can be a little inconvenient… believe me.
I think in all those mornings when I woke up wondering what the hell I was doing with my life I never expected it to lead to here, to now. I feel like the future looks optimistic just by how we like to encourage one another. I damn lucky I think, because we want to be supportive of one another. The future is something we are wanting to co-create together. Sure he doesn’t know about the whole deliberate creation thing, I think that he thinks it as happy coincidences but, luckily he is a very positive person so it just seems to create this positive glow of wonderfulness around him. That or it is the rose tinted glow of love…
Tomorrow I want to wake up and make another list of all the other great things in my life, all of the great things I am experiencing and looking forward to experiencing. I want to make that same list before I go to sleep tonight, a list of all of the things I am grateful for in the day.
I want to keep redefining that “successful” feeling, because I am sure that it is more than just what I can achieve in a day, it could very well be what I feel in a day.