.: Entry Sixty-Eight :.
My name is Elliot Parker and sometimes I just want to run away from my life. A lot of the time. But that is not exactly a secret.
That trapped feeling has been almost impossible to escape recently. I just want it to be over. I want to just see the world through new eyes. I just want to not feel trapped or stuck.
Today should be Adrian and I’s third anniversary. Last year I felt really mad at this time of year. I think last year, my status was “When your phone is a sarcastic bastard and decides to remind you today would have been an anniversary day with your ex… Well… Just lovely… A year later I’m stronger and better for the could have beens. A year ago it was the first year anniversary and boy was I mad. This year it’s all about the progress and change, I appreciate the good and the bad of the last two years and the years before it and I am looking forward to the future and all the good stuff coming…”
Well, obviously I wasn’t happy. Not the sparkling ray of sunshine I am today… today I am the sarcastic bastard as I so poetically put it. That’s the thing, I was still finding my feet on the whole being a deliberate creator thing. I don’t feel how I did back then. That is why todays status, is the ever sarcastic, “today is going to be a great day” thing. That’s not exactly a lie. Today has been fairly good, but I know it’s from my desire to run away and live a different life, to be someone else.
Something that I have always struggled with, wanting to be someone else, anyone else but me.
I love Adrian, we all know that. But right now, I am so close to running away from life like no tomorrow…
I had thought I would date myself today. Do things to make me happy. Anything to make me happy. I don’t even know what I want, what would make me happy right now?
It’s like sleep walking through life. I keep trying to wake up but sometimes I just can’t manage it, it is so hard to break the habit.
I am on that road I know for waking up more and doing the amazing things that I want to do with my life. There is so much to do, so many things to try. I just don’t want to keep missing out on life. So I asked for an idea of what I can do. Or should I say for advice?
So this is what I received as an answer:
“You know you put your life on hold. So plan your day, do stretches when you wake up. You can be ready to stretch beyond the comfort zone, do things that energize you or broaden your boundaries, things that challenge you. Then you can take the caffeine, do what energizes you that allows you to feel that burst of excitement. Then get dressed for the day, just think of it like you prepare for the day ahead. And there may be rain, but you know it will get sunny again. There are going to be things that you don’t plan and it may do a little damage, and that is ok, it is only for a short while. Then when you leave the house you work towards a destination. You’re not leaving it all behind for forever, you are going out to do what you were meant to do in life. You will return home, to rest. I think you should go to school because you are bright and you could do amazing things, but that is me talking and this needs to be what you want for yourself. It is up to you so alter it to what you want to pursue in life. Finally, when it comes to relationships, I think when you are awake and out in your world the right man will come to be a part of your life. I didn’t dislike Adrian for himself, but it was because you were willing to sacrifice your life, and you have so many brilliant possibilities. You were willing to take care of him because he needed taking care of and because you have been accustomed to taking care of people you got good at it. But it’s too high a cost. You need someone who nurtures you while you nurture them. If you can become good at taking care of people you can also become good at being taken care of. Allow yourself to practice that!”
My friend is a source of wisdom and truth and I think the advice was very true. I have basically been sleep walking through life and now I am ready to change my life. In whatever way that comes about. I think the thing that is important to me more than anything is that I give myself a fair shot. I am ready to start doing something with life. There is a true importance to no longer keep living the life I am without thinking, absent minded routine that has you feeling trapped. I want to be free and I let myself get out of this routine. There is a desire to break free and I know I can do it. I just don’t know what I am going to do next.
I think maybe I will let myself take more of a back seat with my thoughts around Adrian to be handed to the universe, with a whatever happens, happens view. I am hoping that waking up isn’t going to hurt too much, but being truly awake and ready and experiencing life just the way it was intended to be. I am more accepting of the energy and the decisions that I get to make on this journey of being a deliberate creator. It is a long journey, and every time I think I have nailed it I find myself playing catch up.