The First Week in Photos

Posted on by April-Rose Appleby

So I will keep this brief. It was a very exciting first week, and we took a fair few photos of various sceneries we came across.

Though I would like it noted, it is cold and windy but the beauty utterly makes up for it. The very first week is best described as one of those times where you spend far too much time pinching yourself to see if you’re dreaming.

A long move, stressful without a doubt, with so many unusual obstacles, but it has been so worth it.

I’ll just photo dump below because all of these were taken the very first week, mainly around Kirkwall and also on a little outing visiting the ring of Brodgar and the Broch of Gurness where the sea was absolutely captivating and not the weird brown colour that you get down south. Oh and I couldn’t not include the amazing chocolate cheesecake from Lucanos in the picture dump because it was the best cheesecake.

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And I would move 600 miles…

Posted on by April-Rose Appleby

But maybe not 600 more.

No that is not a typo I can assure you.

I have officially moved, no longer a Londoner, although it might take a while to take the London out of me, after all it is a massive adjustment.

So it is official, the first month of 2024 myself and my family moved 600 miles north of London, and so far it has been the best decision we have ever made.

Our Goodbye to London photo one of the last ones we took on our way to our new adventure.

We ended up taking the Caledonian Sleeper (a very lovely journey I might add) to Aberdeen.

The train was an absolute highlight on the long long journey north, something hubby and toddler had been incredibly excited by. The staff are all wonderfully helpful to so while it may be a bumpy night sleep that’s all there is to grumble about, when you’re used to a stationary bed one that physically moves and transports you a few hundred miles over night will be an experience.

We awoke in a rather bracingly cold Aberdeen and killed the wait for the ferry in the shopping centre. We then hopped a lovely Northlink Ferry and off we went. It was definitely not a smooth sailing. But I am pleased or proud to say I didn’t throw up once, though it was tempting.

We arrived very, very, very late at night to a snowy Kirkwall, apparently there’s not been weather like this in quite a few years. We have had a baptism by snow instead of fire.

Safe to say the first 24 hours in our new home was a bit cold.

New Year… New Goals!

Posted on by April-Rose Appleby

For the last few years my version of a New Years Resolution has been the 24/7 goals.

How does it work?

I hear no one ask… Well it is fairly simple, you set 24 goals to achieve across the year, big or small (although give yourself a couple of fairly easy to achieve ones in order to get a little dopamine hit of ticking them off). In that time the minimum you need to complete is 7, that’s all you have to do to be able to say “I completed my New Years resolution this year.”

For the past few years, I have indeed completed the dreaded “New Years Resolution” with a couple of goals to spare, last year I managed a grand total of 10 out of 24.

So what counts?

Anything really.

Your goal list could include:

  • Eat more fruits and vegetables (or just healthier in general)
  • Walk more
  • Exercise
  • Visit a beach
  • Develop a new routine
  • Deep clean the house a few times this year
  • Have a clear out and de-clutter
  • Spend time with family or friends
  • Watch a whole tv series
  • Complete a savings goal
  • Something mega practical and boring like make a will
  • Complete a crafting project
  • Learn a new skill
  • Read x number of books
  • Cook something new
  • Set up a “work” space
  • Create a new habbit
  • Organise Christmas by July if you have the motivation
  • Get a hobby
  • Move house
  • Get that job change done and dusted
  • Career change
  • Midlife crisis

The point is the list is going to be something you want to do. You could even get super accurate or organised and give yourself targeted goals. You could base some goals around your health (physical, emotional, spiritual and even financial), your environment (home, work and adventures), the relationships in your life (at home, work and your community) and your growth (career, finances, creativity, the time you spend at rest and play). These goals can be what you need for yourself, what you want and need for your whole life “glow up” process.

Brain Fog

Posted on by April-Rose Appleby

So, its been a long time since I’ve done this so bear with me please. I’m not feeling my best today.

I don’t really know where to begin, at midnight I could have made this post with ease, but when insomnia strikes my main attempt to try to combat it is to pretend I am already asleep in the hopes that my brain will follow suit.

I did however wake up today knowing that I wanted to talk about brain fog and get it off my chest.

This year I have been diagnosed with a few conditions, one symptom of which is brain fog. It is also one of the most frustrating, embarrassing side effects/symptoms.

Brain fog has left me often very self conscious especially in public settings, to the point where I am anxious about having conversations because it makes me feel incredibly stupid even though I know the words I am grasping for just out of reach might be really easy. There are times I now stutter or trip on words while trying to find the next part of the sentence I was about to say that magically vanished from my brain, that or I might repeat something a few times forgetting that it had already popped out of my mouth or even what we were talking about has wondered off into the fog.

Brain fog is so weird because it hits at different times, different strengths, and is often worsened by increased stress or another health flare up, like right now, I am writing this with a streaming cold just wanting the words to come out, begging them to, and right now, writing seems to be the only consistent way to get this to happen so here we are.

Brain fog in the kitchen, one of the reasons I don’t/won’t cook without someone home or even on the phone to me at the moment (thanks to this not so charming cold that has caused a brain fog flare up). This week has been a challenge with fog and a cold. I know colds always seem to linger a little longer with me, harder to shake, and it makes sense, but its frustrating because I am fed up of being sick the first day the sniffles begin because I hate how unregulated my temperature gets, that and I do not like having a blocked nose, sensory overload much. Sorry I digress. The other day in the kitchen putting a glass away, over shot it and wound up in front of the fridge holding an upside down glass wondering what I was looking for in the fridge. I wasn’t, mission was just glass in the cupboard but I forgot half way carried on walking because I knew I was going to open something so I wound up there. Harmless but what’s new. It does feel a lot like when you walk in a room and can’t remember what you went in there for, but it happens at random a tonne of the time.

Sure it could be harmless in the kitchen, forgetting to put mixed herbs in the bolognaise or the stock cube in the pasta pan (don’t come at me, it’s just we prefer stocky pasta that matches the main part of the meal).

Brain fog means I now don’t trust myself doing things like forms, I filled out a few this week, even a couple of emails that needed to go, but I honestly couldn’t tell if I really comprehended what I was reading or what things were asking of me. Frequently I find that I zone out in the middle of things so here’s hoping no mess ups this week because I am not in the zone at all. I think that’s how this post has wound up so babbly I am chasing words before they fall out my head. It causes so much anxiety not knowing if the form is filled out correctly or even if I really understood it, especially if they disappear and can’t be reviewed again.

The most frustrating part of it though is that I never used to be like this, sure I’ve always been a little scatty and easily distracted but when it flares up, I feel trapped because I can’t catch the words when I want to.

Yesterday I forgot the word for a can of tomatoes. Yes you read that right. I described it as “the tinny things” “tinny doo dahs” “tin something or others” the phrase I had been trying to go for was “since when did the tins of tomatoes change packaging” all that because they changed the colour scheme on the shops own brand tomatoes. This isn’t the first time that I lost such a basic word for a short time, I walked away for a minute regrouped and then could say it but still.

Brain fog is frustrating, thankfully inconsistent, because I couldn’t take it at this level all the time. Sure it varies, good days, bad days, flare ups. But it is a menace.

There are whole conversations that could be had. I could be talking to someone and in a split second its like I some how got rebooted and I have no clue where we are in topic, or mood. It’s embarrassing, not so much with my husband because he’s around me all the time and is used to these hiccups but when it comes to anyone else it’s mortifying because it has nothing to do with if I am interested in the conversation and everything to do with bad timing.

Sometimes I text myself conversation reminders, things that need to be said in serious conversations, or get my husband to send me them to help me not forget things. Notebooks, pads and pens are everywhere at home. A very visible wall calendar and diary are used for appointments and have to be put on as soon as they are made.

In time, I may find myself blogging more and more, just to try to communicate, even if no one reads these. Something tells me I am not the only author out there struggling with issues, especially brain fog. Maybe out there in the universe is a way to work around it.

The strange thing is though, more than ever, one thing I really want for myself, other than winning the lottery, is to get my book series out and published. Maybe that is the first act of true rebellion against the challenges of health and fog. Proving that I can string those words together to get out a story that’s been in my head for years. Proving that I can do something, be something, find those strands of myself again rather than just surviving. I want to thrive, I am ready to.

Hoping this cold sods off soon, and the insomnia. The insomnia however is a lovely gift from EDMR therapy which is challenging at best.

Anywhos. I wont keep you any longer waffling on.

May luck and adventure be on your side.

ARA xxx

An epiphany post dream

Posted on by April-Rose Appleby

So I thought why not write it out and make more sense of last nights dream and here I am.

Last night I dreamt that essentially I had to manage everyone else’s “big feelings” despite my own. I pretty much ran around in this dream trying to regulate everyone else’s emotions and make them feel better. The whole time I was unable to deal with my own stuff because I had to fix everyone else’s.

It wasn’t a very veiled dream. It’s essentially what I’ve done since childhood. So when I woke up I was more annoyed that even in sleep I was suppressing my stuff to make it better for everyone around me.

Some of my first thoughts waking up were well obviously I don’t need to do that.

  • Why did I feel the need to fix it for everyone else?
  • Why do I feel frustrated by this?
  • Why is this a sore point for me? Is there something going on where I feel like I’m suppressing how I feel again?
  • What do I want to do with this information?
  • What did I learn?

So let’s break this all down.

Why did I feel the need to fix it for everyone?

Since childhood I’m aware (thanks to therapy) I spent most of my time “fixing” parental emotional needs. This is a pattern that I’ve struggled with for years. Others having big feelings around me makes me uncomfortable. It means while I’m trying to make it all better for everyone else I become more and more dis-regulated. Everyone else is comfy and happy while I’ve set myself on fire.

Why do I feel frustrated by this?

Because it’s what I learned as a child and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to be setting myself on fire for everyone else’s comfort. I made their big feelings better but I’m now spending my adulthood learning what these feelings are within myself and my own experience. It’s a struggle to experience them let alone voice these negative feelings at times.

I simply don’t want to do it for others anymore. It’s not my responsibility to bear the consequences for others for their comfort. It’s not my responsibility to bear the discomfort for them hurting my feelings and not take up the space to say “this is not ok. Stop!” I should be able to express that and give myself the space to deal with how I feel in my own time and space.

Why is this a sore point for me? Is there something going on where I feel like I’m suppressing how I feel again?

The dream feels symptomatic. I feel like I’m worried about regulating others around me whilst I’m still processing my own feelings.

I feel like that by certain others I am expected to smother how I feel and put it aside for their comfort and to do things to the beat of their drums. I’m still processing and that’s taking time.

Being able to vocalise having the feelings and what bothers me is hard enough to do due to a life time of conditioning. It take time for me to then process that I managed to get it out my mouth to begin with. It doesn’t help to then get the flying monkeys pop up and basically get themselves involved when it wasn’t addressed to them instead of the ones it was addressed to.

So I guess I am feeling like there is a pressure to minimise the space I’m taking up for others comfort. I haven’t done it and I don’t want to.

What do I want to do with this information?

I want to reassure myself and my inner child that the only emotions I am responsible for are my own, the only emotions I am responsible for the “fixing” of are mine, for the regulating of belong to me. I am not here to fix what is beyond my control.

What did I learn?

It’s ok for me to have feelings good or bad, big or small. It’s ok for me to take up space. Regulating other people’s emotions is no longer my job and I’m not doing it anymore. It’s ok. It is ok for me to say “this is not my responsibility. This stops now.”

I don’t want to keep doing it is the biggest take away I have. It’s not healthy. It doesn’t help anyone. How I feel is my job. It takes a long time to process how I feel, it’s still strange and foreign to me but even though it takes time I am beginning to really understand that it’s ok and healthy to express how I feel. How others respond to me speaking it out loud or taking the time to process things says a lot about them. It also gives me more to consider as to whether or not the relationship is healthy or sustainable.

Overall

I’m glad I had the dream. Even if when I woke up I was pissed off about it. Sure it was a dream but it was a reminder that I’m still unlearning unsustainable, unhealthy coping mechanisms. The fact I understand them for being that shows that I’ve moved forward and started making progress.

It’s given me a bit of clarity on stuff that’s going on around me that I’ve been undecided about. I’m not 100% decided yet but I’m getting there in my own time.