Can we really call that sods law? Or is the timing just an unfortunate coincidence? What do they want and why are they bothering me now? Or are they bere to twist the knife in?
Well we all get it. An ex, out of the blue shows up just when you are doing fine and being happy. And sure things are awkward and you talk and you can still have the similar old chat with them, but that is the problem. Nothing has changed. They haven’t changed. You haven’t changed. The reason you separated hasn’t changed. How you separated, that hasn’t changed. And some how, that hurt hits you in fresh waves.
Ok so maybe you have changed. Maybe I have changed. Maybe I am a thousand times happier now, and happy to have, well not moved on exactly, but happy to have healed a lot. And there is no maybe now. I have discovered the best relationship I have, the one with myself, you see now, I am much kinder to myself and I enjoy my own company more. And let’s face it, I know what I like so there is no arguing about what to watch or do. Or as others would say, have gone back to being a bit commitment phobic to avoid being hurt.
But it gets even better because while I have changed enough that I care more about how I feel than making everyone else happy, I can see the past for what it is. The past. That is where it has to stay, because, there is a reason it makes you unhappy, because it is impossible to live in the past. Focusing on the past, or torturing yourself with a future that can never be the same will hurt you more than if you decide to say to yourself, I am happiest now caring about how I feel, than I have ever been and that will just grow and continue. Even if there is that window for reconciliation, that fear of being hurt will be there, because, at one time you trusted them more than anyone not to hurt you. Even if there is even a shred of a sign, an old familiarity, things could never be how they were, and things would always need to be different.
While that ease of conversation may still exist and falling into the old habits of communication patterns may still trip you up. Making time for how you feel when that pop up from the ex happens it doesn’t feel the same pain it used to now. Maybe time healed things, or maybe you worked very hard on yourself, maybe your new goal became something totally different. That is ok, there is no need to worry no matter what because you have been transformed.
When I see that name come up on my phone I do roll my eyes. Why not? I know I do it for a lot of people. That ringtone no longer means happy memories like it used to. Maybe now the ring tone is just, memories. The good, the bad and the in between.
Making the time to remember that you can survive very well without them, that you don’t really miss them or whatever, it isn’t a lie that you keep telling yourself until you start to believe it, or maybe it is, it doesn’t matter. It is a promise you make yourself now, because you were happy without them just as you might have once been with them. The only difference now is, focus on what feels good in the present. And don’t look for something to torture yourself with.
And should old thoughts or feelings stir, there is no need to torture yourself. Instead focus on everything in your life that feels good right now.
A R Appleby 