.: Entry One-Hundred and Sixteen :.
My name is Elliot Parker. Losing weight will be easier next week… or the week after. I have been having so many cheat days I am not even sure I am still on a diet. But I am trying my best to get back into the dieting thing. It’s like trying to fight the urge to just enjoy what life is. Which goes against what you are inside, because when you just want to have fun and enjoy yourself that doesn’t always mean eating what is best for you, its taking some re-training to remind myself what I enjoy. There may be the odd set back going on, especially hormonally when it comes to eating food that you crave. But I am sure it won’t last for long. Not when eating what is good for you can make you feel healthier and give you more energy by the end of the day, I think that is what I need to keep reminding myself of.
I have been a little more reckless recently with my spending. So I suppose I am enjoying my income this month. Just having fun. Sure it isn’t going to get me into my own home faster, but it does mean I am going to be living more. That is what I want to be doing. Living. I just feel the abundance a bit more, I just feel ready to just do what I want, to have fun with my life. I guess that comes from barely surviving for years that now I feel like I have in some ways come alive, I think that is something that has been fuelled a lot by meeting Dyl. I am living.
Here’s the thing, I think recently just by trying to live my best life I have started to really do some wonders to what I am attracting.
Fun things like just having great days with Dyl hanging out doing nothing. But that’s not all. Last week something pretty crazy happened. A friend that had stopped talking to me because of Clover came back into contact. I don’t know if I ever told the story, but he got very angry because Clover posted something online about my situation with my mother that could have put my safety at risk. But because of how I was at the time… depressed, stressed, anxious and giving up… I didn’t see it in the same way, I had given up on so much. So when Clover put me at risk he decided that he couldn’t stand it and there was a bust up and she deleted the post but that doesn’t change things. He stopped talking to the both of us.
It had been over a year and a half-ish, I think, that he hadn’t spoken to either of us. In that time so much happened that I hadn’t realised had only been over a year ago. The main one being the distance and separation of Clover and I and the distance. Neither of us seem to make that effort anymore, it’s not a falling out or a massive argument that we have had. Instead I think realising how much of my mother I see in her now killed the friendship quite a bit. I had to do what was right for me and just get some distance. Now having that distance I can see how toxic the friendship was. But at the same time, it was hard losing a friend because of her… he had somehow become that protective brother figure and that was nice, but when I had to start being that for myself, I suppose I saw how much I took having someone who cared for me without agenda for granted. But isn’t that what we all do, take good friendships for granted. But he did wrong too and he admitted it and apologised for it. He didn’t stop talking to me because of something I did but because of what Clover did and that wasn’t fair. It was his business.
Now here’s the funny thing, we are starting to talk a bit and we do get on but I don’t think I would be the same entirely as I used to be. I am stronger and much happier now. So I guess it isn’t a bad thing that I have changed. I think I won’t take the friendship for granted, but at the same time I don’t know if I can or will trust that friendship like I used to because I am so very aware of how very expendable he has previously treated the friendship, and me. So I don’t know if I will get along with him the same as before.
I am trying my best. But doing your best isn’t always good enough. But at least I am trying. I have stopped giving up. But I am not fighting either. If I am fighting against something I am attracting more of what I am fighting against. I don’t want to be fighting my way through life. I want to be enjoying it and living it just like I have been. That’s a challenge sometimes. We are always told fight for what you want and if it is meant to be it will come to you. Neither is really true, you fight for what you want in your life but when you are ready to accept it, it will come to you and be so much better than what you think it is going to be. I fought so hard to build a healthy happy relationship. When I stopped fighting it, stopped fighting against the not having it ness and walked away from something that wasn’t what I was looking for a happy healthy relationship came to me and made itself known.
In that respect, I suppose I stopped fighting against the idea of what Clover had cost me, I stopped fighting for the relationship I had had with her that was just not healthy for me. When I stopped fighting that and let it go and just had fun and enjoyed my life I attracted happy back. I attracted people who want me happy back. I am just glad that Arnie and I can work on being friends again.
So The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty! Releasing 22nd September 2018
Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018