.: Entry One-Hundred and Seventeen :.
My name is Elliot Parker. It’s been weird recently, I broke one of my own rules. I got a matching tattoo with Dyl the other day. I know, I know. But hey, it was an impulsive thing. I just went with whatever felt right. I guess at the time I didn’t think it through much. I broke one of my own golden rules. But it was fun, I didn’t do it for any other reason. It was just a cute fun design that we both agreed on, I don’t know how or why that happened but hey. I think it started when he suggested we get a tattoo together on holiday. We got it when we got back though, in a place where we trusted the artist and we had fun. We did it on an absolute whim.
That’s the thing though, Dyl has this natural way of bringing out the fun silly me. To be fair, we have also been looking at rings together, so who knows. Part of me is like yes that is exactly all I want but the other part of me keeps trying to talk reason, that fairy tales don’t exist. I know our relationship is not fairy tale, but sometimes, it just feels so natural and like that is how it is meant to be. I just get a little scared sometimes. I think that is that old inner voice I grew up with, that one that tells you that good things don’t last. I want that voice to be wrong. Because I want us to last. I want that dream that Dyl and I have been working on building together. To have a home and family together. To be happy.
That is the other thing that worries me though, the home and family dream, I guess I stopped thinking about the things I used to dream of doing. The ambitions I had. Now it feels like I am trying to factor those in, factor in the dreams. I had more time to spend on my passions before the relationship and so sometimes I just wonder if I am doing a disservice to myself, but when I did devote the time into the passions completely I didn’t have a life. I didn’t feel free, I felt a lot more shackled to it. Like it was my only hope and my only shot at happiness. I don’t think I agree with that anymore. Sure I would love it if my passions made me successful. But that doesn’t mean I am not successful. I love that when I now sit down to do the things I am passionate about I make the most of it. Before it felt like I was a hamster on a treadmill, always running but getting nowhere. Now I have a focus and I know my time is limited to a degree. It is also what makes the scheduling of it much more important. Scheduling is hard enough.
When I look at life week by week I don’t seem to have enough hours in the day, or enough energy for each day.
But then again, is that my own laziness, I got so lazy at creating the universe around me, or trying to control it and just started to really enjoy it. I would love it if I could say, “I deliberately created this life and it is exactly as I wanted it and more.” Who wouldn’t want to tailor make their life. But the thing is does it really matter if I get super good at it? I am giving up the struggle of trying to achieve what I want and just sort of letting go. If it happens it will happen and that is probably what I have been missing. Deliberate creation means little if it isn’t celebrated in a way that works for you. Trying to control too much leads to exhaustion and stress and I don’t want my life to be about that anymore.
So I suppose the best thing I can really learn to do is deal with some time management exercises. Work out a day and a time that I can sit down and work on what I am passionate about. Work out when I get to have my me time as it were. While also factoring in that quality time building and maintaining a safe, secure and healthy relationship with Dyl.
I think there is a lot in the future for us. So I don’t doubt that when this diary reaches its last page that life will continue on. That is the great thing about a diary, it is a snapshot in time of what you used to think and feel and who you wanted to be. I hope one day when I look back I look at it and see how much I changed for the better, how when I let go of trying to make life happen how I thought it should be and just let life go on it became so much more than I could have ever imagined.
I think tonight, even though I have a little cold going, I am going to go to Dyl’s and make dinner when he finishes work. I feel like after such a wonderful week so far and making all those memories together, making a dinner together and relaxing on the sofa sounds like perfection. A little bit of time to re-adjust to the sort of reality. I want next year to be calm and peaceful and that will happen, I am ready for a settled year next year. Just getting on with things and spending time together and working on something I am passionate about. I want to feel inspired again. I am ready to feel inspired again, it has come to the point where I know what I need to get done and arranged all year around. I know what birthdays are when and that I need to start thinking about Christmas. Soon.
The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty! Releasing 22nd September 2018
Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018