I haven’t got much to say. But what I do have to say is thank you. I promise to remember.
The Confidence of ink
Ok. It is no secret, I have tattoos, and piercings. To look at me day to day in the office, the only clue is the tattoo on my wrist. Small and delicate, it’s a memorial to my grandad and to myself in some ways. It’s a promise to myself.
As soon as this contract ends, well that might all change, I might be happy and lucky enough to be able to be myself even more, I would love to have more ink, and not be made to be ashamed to hide it because it is classed as unprofessional. It doesn’t change how I do my job.
Well actually yes it does. Since I have had my ink collection grow, a lot, I have felt in myself more confident, coinciding with a lot of change in my life, but still, the process of the change, the physical change of the tattoo is amazing. I have brought out what was on the inside I used to protect and hide, had it turned into art and had that art etched into my skin. It makes me feel proud, yes this is me… The ink has made me feel more body confident too.
You don’t believe? Ok, but before I used to dream about the body confidence to go and get my ribs done. It was always “when my stomach is flatter” or “when I am more toned” as my excuse. In the end I just said “Fuck it” and I got that tattoo, and my god I love it. Sure I do have those fat days and I think “woah, how did you ever get those ribs done looking like that”. But those thoughts, they don’t last long, because it changes to “my gosh, it is a beautiful tattoo though.” And it grows and snowballs. Because I find more things I like. The tattoos make me feel like, “hey there’s something else that you do actually really love and like about yourself.” All you have to do is focus on that feeling.
I’m inked and proud. But I will not go around flaunting them every single day. I don’t want to make everyone jealous 😉
Hooked on a Book THREEEEEEE
Oh man am I in trouble. Last week, I told you I had started the second book…
Well much to the dismay of my current work, I am now on the sixth of the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead. What the hell has that woman done to me?
Non stop, non stop have I been reading her work, screw my own writing schedule and to do list, I have just had to keep reading. It’s addictive.
What am I meant to do with my life once this series ends? It won’t take me long until that is a real true thought I have to think about. But I don’t because I know what it is I should be doing, what I have been neglecting the past few weeks.
Do you want to know something?
I am really hooked on the books. But at the same time, I know that there is work I need to be doing, if not for writing then perhaps look towards my work work, my day job. While the two do not match, and I do have a favourite, I know which one I want to do for the rest of my life.
But like I said, hooked on the Vampire academy series. Managed the first five books with ease, and now book six, it’s a slippery slope of spoilers and addiction. I may need to go to readers/writers rehab whatever that might be at the end. But I won’t be going quietly. I’ll do a Hathaway and fight my way back to normality and civilization.
I have had complaints that I haven’t been as chatty recently from a few people, I am not sure the explanation of “I was absorbed into another world and now I have to face reality and that sucks” would work well in my favour.
Either way, it doesn’t matter. All I can do is warn you about these highly addictive awesome books. And then tell you to go read them, NOW!
An Author update?
So it has occurred to me, that although I do talk on this page I don’t say much directly about what is going on with me in reality.
So I figured, the last Saturday of the month I would give an update as to what I have been up to in the month and give you an insight into who it is you are reading. Now, I have been told by a friend that I should keep what could be deemed to be a public life and a private life very separate. While I do understand the logic, I thought I may blur the lines.
So, here it is.
Obviously I am female, if you hadn’t have assumed by now. I’m in my twenties, not sure if I have mentioned that. I use Twitter and I have a Facebook page as I am sure you know.
I really do wish I led a healthier lifestyle. But I work in a chaotic environment in an office. Writing is my passion and keeps me sane if that makes sense.
So this past month, my excitement has been over arappleby.com being an actual thing, its a thing! Yes I know I shouldn’t call it a thing, its a website, but its a thing in a good way. I have been super excited about this for days on end. I also got really excited on the 7th October when this bad boy (or girl?) was released… The Coryburn Girls final in the series I mean.
So I have been doing a wee bit of writing when I get the chance in the evenings or weekends, that or editing. This particular line of story that I am writing, by that I do mean the story, it originally started as a way to break my own boundaries and restrictions, but I am really struggling with the fact that the design to see what could break and destroy the character has grown so much. It seems to be a majority of this characters journey is me just throwing obstacles and situations in the path in the aim to see what it takes to just destroy the character as a whole. What it would take for the total break down, it feels a bit cruel really.
It’s also been a lot of learning this past month, apprenticeship wise, I took some of my exams and it wasn’t too bad.
I recently realised, I seem to be very hard on myself and I do have impossible standards that I set myself. I am trying to change that, I think my expectations of what I want to do can be a bit high, and it is both a problem and a solution because I always want to do better. I think that eventually should help growth on a personal level in order to do more and explore more ideas with writing.
So this month, I’ve spent time hanging with friends, writing, and I got more work done on my tattoo… Which is now healing quite nicely. Oh and I discovered Netflix, which now means I have even less time and a bigger work load, and I have discovered a book series thanks to a movie on there… So, as a treat, for completing my exams and working hard on my assignment I might be treating myself to the box set… uh oh!
So… Maybe once I have finished writing the whole of my current project (which is quite a bit of work) I will allow myself to read it.
So many thanks for the reads.
Love
ARA xxx
So why does the “ex” suddenly pop up?
Can we really call that sods law? Or is the timing just an unfortunate coincidence? What do they want and why are they bothering me now? Or are they bere to twist the knife in?
Well we all get it. An ex, out of the blue shows up just when you are doing fine and being happy. And sure things are awkward and you talk and you can still have the similar old chat with them, but that is the problem. Nothing has changed. They haven’t changed. You haven’t changed. The reason you separated hasn’t changed. How you separated, that hasn’t changed. And some how, that hurt hits you in fresh waves.
Ok so maybe you have changed. Maybe I have changed. Maybe I am a thousand times happier now, and happy to have, well not moved on exactly, but happy to have healed a lot. And there is no maybe now. I have discovered the best relationship I have, the one with myself, you see now, I am much kinder to myself and I enjoy my own company more. And let’s face it, I know what I like so there is no arguing about what to watch or do. Or as others would say, have gone back to being a bit commitment phobic to avoid being hurt.
But it gets even better because while I have changed enough that I care more about how I feel than making everyone else happy, I can see the past for what it is. The past. That is where it has to stay, because, there is a reason it makes you unhappy, because it is impossible to live in the past. Focusing on the past, or torturing yourself with a future that can never be the same will hurt you more than if you decide to say to yourself, I am happiest now caring about how I feel, than I have ever been and that will just grow and continue. Even if there is that window for reconciliation, that fear of being hurt will be there, because, at one time you trusted them more than anyone not to hurt you. Even if there is even a shred of a sign, an old familiarity, things could never be how they were, and things would always need to be different.
While that ease of conversation may still exist and falling into the old habits of communication patterns may still trip you up. Making time for how you feel when that pop up from the ex happens it doesn’t feel the same pain it used to now. Maybe time healed things, or maybe you worked very hard on yourself, maybe your new goal became something totally different. That is ok, there is no need to worry no matter what because you have been transformed.
When I see that name come up on my phone I do roll my eyes. Why not? I know I do it for a lot of people. That ringtone no longer means happy memories like it used to. Maybe now the ring tone is just, memories. The good, the bad and the in between.
Making the time to remember that you can survive very well without them, that you don’t really miss them or whatever, it isn’t a lie that you keep telling yourself until you start to believe it, or maybe it is, it doesn’t matter. It is a promise you make yourself now, because you were happy without them just as you might have once been with them. The only difference now is, focus on what feels good in the present. And don’t look for something to torture yourself with.
And should old thoughts or feelings stir, there is no need to torture yourself. Instead focus on everything in your life that feels good right now.
April Rose Appleby 
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