Not much luck a week on either. I have had more rejections. But that is ok. Because I believe in what I am writing for the project. It is an important thing for me to just focus on the joy of it and not all the no’s because to be honest, getting published and finding an agent or whatever, that will make no difference in how much I love writing. Sure it would be a great bonus, but at the end of the day I didn’t start writing because I thought getting published would make or break my life. I started because I am passionate about it and I wanted to write stories that inspired me.

.: Entry One-Hundred and Twenty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Life is beginning to change, really change. I have been making more of an effort to feel good and do more things that make me happy. That sounds strange to me still. Doing what makes me happy means that I am also being more selfish in what I find acceptable. That means that, I have been walking away and standing my ground when I need to. At work I am more considering what is right or good for me. Now that means being less of a “yes” girl when it comes to overtime or favours. It means saying “no” more often.

It means that my relationship with Clover has degenerated and disintegrated a lot now. Honestly I haven’t responded since she didn’t even bother to read the message that said I wasn’t well enough for a last meeting and she basically said she wasn’t going. Didn’t even bother to read my message at all. Hence why now I don’t bother responding to the odd selfie she sends of herself, I just leave her to it and leave her on read. I don’t see the point.  Life has become much quieter and a little less dramatic. I am sort of glad that she bailed so “spectacularly” for dinner with Dyl and I, it makes it easier to confirm my suspicion. She only hits me up when she wants something, like her birthday presents that was the last time I saw her and the first time I had seen her in ages. So I would guess she will only bother with me close to Christmas when she wants presents again.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am certainly proud of myself. I stopped self-destructing when it comes to relationships I no longer seem to be self-sabotaging. Things with Dyl seem to just keep getting better, getting stronger. I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him now. I know when he asks, I will say yes. There is no way I think I would ever be able to say no to him when he asks. Imagining a future together feels like fun and excitement.

I feel like more recently I have started to practice my deliberate creation again. This morning I meditated and just let it take me where it wanted to lead. I am making a conscious effort for positivity. Sounds like a simple solution right? Being positive. So perhaps for one last time. Let’s go on a little rampage, for old time’s sake.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator. I am brilliant at creating my experience. I know that I am creating ease in my life. I am allowing myself to feel good. I am releasing all that does not serve me. I take pleasure in my manifestations. I have chosen this experience. I have chosen this life, this place, these people that I interact with. I have deliberately chosen the world that I live in. I have created my financial stability. I have created my financial prosperity. My abundance is growing exponentially and I am great at managing my money. Money is something fun, it is ease and freedom. Money flows easily and consistently. It is easy to have more than I need. This feeling of ease around money is fun and abundant and serves me well. I like being in charge of my experience. I appreciate that I manifested Dyl in my life. He is wonderful and incredible and kind and funny and gentle and loving and I appreciate his existence in the universe. I appreciate that he loves me and I love him and there is no resistance between us. I love that Dyl and I share our lives and allow our experience to be fun and exciting.

I am enjoying my experience. I am creating a career that is a vocation for me. I am creating a career that increases my abundance of time, of money and of fun. I am creating a career that doesn’t feel like work, I am creating a career that feels like fun and freedom and I am ready for it. I am ready as I am now in this time and place to enjoy my new vocation with ease and acceptance. I am ready for the next stage in my work life that will bring all that I need and desire in my life. I am ready to evolve again and find a new way of living that feels wonderful. I am open to enjoying my career growing, I am open to enjoying the fun and inspiration as my career blossoms. I am loving the feeling of expanding my world. I am bringing more money and more time in my life to just enjoy myself. Work no longer feels like work.

I am enjoying this fun, free, prosperous experience. I am enjoying my time “off”. I am achieving new unchartered waters of happiness and fun. I am enjoying writing this rampage because it feels so good to acknowledge my natural wellbeing. I am enjoying making new things and reading new things and watching new entertaining things. I am enjoying in partaking in creating my own entertainment. I am enjoying these words. I am feeling the value of this rampage. I am feeling the value of knowing what I desire. I am feeling the value of knowing what I have manifested is pleasurable. I am enjoying this experience. I am ready to say yes to all that is wanted. I am better at holding my attention to what is wanted than I have ever been before. I am eager and excited to enjoy my experience.

I am ready to move forward to new adventures. I know that this is the start of something new and exciting and incredible and there is no such thing as an ending. Nothing ends, it is always a beginning; new, old or unseen there is always a new day a new moment and our desires are never ending there is no ending to the wonderful things that we are manifesting and bringing into our experience here together.

The Diary of Elliot Parker is OUT NOW here is the link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

So I know I will never be the first person to say this, but rejection sucks.

.: Entry One-Hundred and Nineteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I thought I would know how this would feel. I thought by now I would feel closure and right now, I don’t know if I feel much at all.

Sometimes, it feels like I have been fighting my own sense of hopelessness since I can remember, something that I was taught I must do, not the fighting part, the feeling hopeless part. Since I can remember I suppose I could say, for a long time, a large amount of time I contended with the feeling of depression. It is something that feels like I have been fighting for an eternity. The melancholy of life. Sometimes I do really well at fighting it, there are days that are flawless happiness and joy. The come downs from that often feel especially hard hitting. More and more, from beginning this diary, to now, coming to the close, it is safe to say I have been having more days of happiness and joy.

Even if sometimes, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I haven’t spoken to my mother willingly of my own volition for months now. I don’t even know if it bothers her. I keep out of it, keep out of her way. Part of me misses it, her, having a mother. But for quite a few years she’s not acted like a mother. Not at all. I suppose I still grieve for normality, for having the idea of a normal mother. And I know that Dyl’s mum and dad have sort of accepted me as part of the family, to be fair it didn’t take them long. And I know I have my step mum, and our relationship is getting better. But there is a part of me, I suppose to a biological extent that wishes that I could have a normal relationship with my birth mother that isn’t filled with animosity and hurt. It’s hard to accept. I think the words I am looking to explain this feeling is ambiguous loss. Physically she is still alive, and yet I grieve the mother daughter bond. I suppose it could even be a tiny bit Stockholm syndrome, that thing where you have this incredibly abusive (in my case emotionally) relationship that when you are freed from your abuser you still feel this connection. Like you are still meant to love them. I don’t know if what I am saying here is 100% correct. But trying to find words for this, to find some kind of closure is hard.

And I know when Dyl and I eventually get married she won’t be invited, because I have learned to protect my happiness and my life from her. It is easy to feel at a loss when I think about that, and the impact of it, because I do deserve to have a mother of the bride. But that will be my step mother’s place. I know reconciliation is not an option.

I know that when Dyl and I eventually have children, that my mother will never meet them, if I can help it. I don’t want her near me so why would I want her around them. I want to keep my children safe and happy and healthy. Introducing her to the mix will make confusion, pain and hurt dish of the day. That is not what I want. I want them to have the stability and safety that I never had. I don’t want them worrying all day or all night if they made a mistake. I don’t want them to be scared of me, or be scared to come to me with anything. I don’t want them to be scared or feel like they have to hide their happiness or joy or success. I want them to feel like I always have their best interest at heart and not some hidden agenda. I don’t want to be my mother; I want to be better than the example I had.

That’s the thing though, by knowing what we don’t want or who we don’t want to be we more accurately know what we want and who we want to be. That is the beauty of the unwanted and wanted. It gives you this clarity.

It is through acknowledging this discomfort I have been feeling I have come to accept it. I know what I want now. I want to be happy. I want to feel excited by the prospect of one day getting married to the love of my life, who makes me happy without trying. I want to feel like there is nothing missing, because there is nothing missing, because I know at least one of the two mother figures in my life will get to take the mother of the bride seat, the other will take the mother of the groom seat. I know that my step mum will be a wonderful grandma when I have kids, that she will be the only grandma that they know from my side of the bloodline, I am sure Dyl’s mum will be wonderful too. I know that these kids that will one day happen will know they are loved and will have some wonderful female role models, and some wonderful male role models too. I am certain that they will feel safe and happy and healthy. I am looking forward to meeting these one day kids of mine and watching them become happy, healthy adults who know inherently they are loved and that they are amazing without trying. They will be wonderful deliberate creators and I want to encourage that connection with themselves so that the next generation can understand who they are and not feel all the pain and discord of not knowing how wonderful they are.

So I might be a kooky mum, but I am sure I will be strict to a degree, I want the best for them, and they aren’t even here yet, just twinkles in our eyes.

The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

What happened at the seaside?