.: Entry Fifty-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I live for my dreams. Because reality, is short lived. Dreams are eternal.

I noticed something since my conversation with Adrian. When I took the risk and told him in no uncertain terms there was a chance on the table and he ran away; there has been this awkward silence between us. I’ve not pursued it or tried to rebuild the bridge that wasn’t burned.

That’s the thing though isn’t it.

No bridges were burned.

No closure was given.

But this year, since the turning of the year, in the moment that the New Year came to be and I felt it in my soul I have just had this knowing. This knowing that whatever I do I will not make a bad decision on inspiration from a good feeling impulse. I know that everything is always working out for me. But this year, I know that everything is working out for me. I have known that this year isn’t the year of momentous love. Trust me, when I met Adrian, I knew at the turning of the year it would be a year of hope and love, and a few short weeks later I met him. The next year, even though Adrian and I were in a relationship the change of the year felt wrong and sad and hard and like it was going to be another life altering year. We broke up a few months after that New year. I changed a lot that year. So what’s that the first two years since Adrian walked into my life? Then was the New Year of 2016, and that felt like the year of 2016 was personal transformation feeling, like I was different and I was going to be different on my own terms because of my choosing to do so. And honestly, I am not the same girl I was at the start of 2016 as I was at the end of it, I am somewhat a completely different person than the one that Adrian first met. I changed for the better. So this year, when the New Year began, I felt something different. Certainty? Yeah, Clarity? Yeah, but I felt so much more. Like this is the year that it all fell completely into place. Everything I have been working for, or working towards. This is the year of my passion being the best career I could ever have. My intuition is telling me that this year, is the year that everything works out for me however I want it to.

That certainty. How did I get it? How can I just know these things?

Why am I questioning something that is so good?

I love knowing and just enjoying knowing with certainty.

I love him. I love me as well. It’s something I have been learning, it hasn’t been a natural transition. But even if my actions are questionable from the outside, they are done for the right reasons, in the right way that I have access to at the time.

I love him and I don’t want him to go away for work again. I want him to get a job nearby, I want to see what would happen with a second chance. I have been so scared of daring to dream what it looks like. I have been scared to dream or visualise the chance we could have and what it would look like. So scared that it feels safer to imagine winning the lottery. So scared that it feels safer to imagine nothing. To stop imagining because of the doubt within myself of what if it never happens. I need to be ok with it if it never happens. I need to be ok to letting go and not clinging to the hope of a second chance. Yes, deep down, I know we love each other, more than I am capable of expressing, and we could easily fall back together and work on the relationship, we could make it work. But the fear is always there, I fear being hurt, I fear the pain of it and how it feels like your heart is ripped from your chest. The fear is real because it has happened before, it has happened already. The kind of hurt and emotional anguish that it feels like you have cried yourself to the brink of death, your eyes sting and your throat feels like it is on fire. Your lungs are desperate for some real air and you physically cry with your whole body, every single cell in my body hurt so bad when he was cold. It was like he had taken a sheath of ice and cut it jagged and smashed it through my ribcage into my heart and left it there. It hurt more than I know how to express. I fear that ever happening again, I fear ever feeling that helpless and worthless ever again.

But here’s the thing, I know it won’t happen again. I am strong, I will let it hurt a little but I know I can pick myself up again. I know I can survive. I know that I can be happy again, because I am happy now, even writing this with tears streaming down my cheeks. I know I can be happy. I know I won’t ever let my relationship with someone else be more important than the relationship with myself. I am enough. I am enough. I am worthy of never feeling that pain again. The pain is the past and I am letting go of the past. I am letting go of the pain of the resistance of my own happiness and joy. I can be strong enough to survive and thrive and I would never let myself feel that hurt again, because I am not the same person I was and I know that I will never have that hurt again. I will never let myself be so vulnerable in my self-worth. I am enough. I am worthy and I am full of love and joy and hope and happiness. That second chance could be fear free, unconditional, eternal love and happiness.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

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.: Entry Fifty-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker, in another world.

I finally found my sea legs on the water again.

The Captain had got the ship out into the ocean as fast as he could as far as he could. I could see the guilt in the crew, the mates they had left dead on the sand in the ambush. The plan had worked, culling mutinous wood. That didn’t mean it didn’t come without a price. A little low moral had spread through the ship, even the joy and bounty of a stolen creation like this. The ship we stole from the sea of blue and cream having left the other two damaged.

Enough lead and sailing away and into the depth of the sea.

I am tired of this ship already. Some of the crew is idle. I can see the boredom of an easy sail now we are out of riskier water.

It’s time I had some fun. It’s been long enough. I pull over some of the buckets and a couple of the remaining crew, the few men we had lost, the rotten wood had left a decent enough bunch of men. I begin to show them something. I tap out a pattern in the buckets and get a couple of the crew to join in. A few instruments we had found below deck were usable, but none of the men had taken them as their own. I get a couple of spare crew to join to tap out onto the metal trims. They are building a song, something easy and fun.

“What are you doing?” The Captain cuts through the start of the fun.

“Enjoying myself Captain.” I don’t wait for his answer; I pull him out into a small space open on the deck. Occasionally I have heard the crew sing, now this time it’s to the tune of my own song. They kept it simple enough and for a moment I let my mask drop, I am smiling, inside and out. I pull the Captain, “come on and follow my lead” I begin to move and he follows me.

Normally he has me mesmerised in his ministrations trying to pull me into embracing every facet of myself, trying to unleash what he hopes will be the path to my desire. But right now, he is certainly not the man in charge. My clothes may be borrowed from what was left behind of the blue and cream sea. The trousers are a little tight and the shirt is loose. A short length of trim ripped from one of the blue blazer makes a good belt, it gives enough of a nod to a figure I had forgotten about, the figure he is memorizing as I move.

This time I am going to be the temptation that breaks his own resolve. The crew fall into a good rhythm working together, some dance, some sing, some create the intoxicating beat that we are dissolving into. The world begins to fall away, I mouth to him “follow my lead” taking a step back, then two. Soon he is trusting me as I dance having the nature take over, the kind of dance that the Princess was never allowed to indulge in. I take his hands, raise them over my head and cross my own as I turn into his body. My back is back to his chest, my arms wrapped around myself, but I pull him that bit closer loosening the grip around myself. Slowly I release his hands and let him settle them on my moving waist as we snake side to side in the rhythm. I can feel his temptation his breath rushing past my ear. I put my hands on top of his own holding my waist. This time, I know he is surprised, I guide his hands down and up between my hip and waist with every gyration.

I pull his hands off of me and spin out and away from him. Now I’m dancing on my own, sort of. My body seems to have a mind of its own springing through the river of music. The crew have been sliding through the tempo, getting faster every step away from the Captain, slowing every time I let the Captain close and tease him to my own beat. Raking my fingers through my hair just letting the freedom to let every care spring free for a short while. The Princess behaving badly.

After a while the ship needs more attention as the wind pulls and whips at our sails.

“Was that so hard?” I whisper in the Captain’s ear as I walk past him.

His hand stops me landing on my waist. “I am.” I giggle and walk away, swaying my hips and going up the stairs to the helm to get a better look at the deck.

I feel the Captain’s eyes watching me. I can’t help but wonder how long I play the innocent girl now, not with him seeing the first glimpses of me embracing my own sensuality. I pull my attention from the Captain and watch the sea birds that have taken to following the ship diving at the fish skimming the sea surface.

I am brought back to reality. “You are the worst behaved Princess I have ever met.” The Captain’s quiet growl in my ear had my complete attention.

“Am I the only one you have met?”

“No. But the only one who has ever been the one to cast that spell.”

“What spell?”

“The spell that has me addicted to you, the one that has me bending to your will.”

“I haven’t cast a spell.”

“I know.” I turn to face him, leaning my back upon the railing that I had been looking over. Our eyes met. For now, his mask was abandoned, I could see the intoxication in his eyes as he pulled my mouth up to meet his. I can feel him smile as he kisses me and I return his kiss. “This kind of addiction can’t be conjured.”

I pull his body closer to mine as we kiss, the wind whipping through my hair lashing out at our faces carelessly in our embrace.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

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.: Entry Fifty-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker. But right now, it’s not.

The morning damp and chill in the tunnels had set through the crew. Getting everyone walking was hard enough, but now the tunnel floor wasn’t so easy to walk on. The sea had left the rocks beneath our feet slippery and uneasy. The crew gave of air of more than discomfort. The Captain pushed us on walking at full speed, as fast as possible on the slippery rocks under foot. He had taken to standing just behind me, it seems I had become the one leading the way on the surest footings. The further we walked I could feel the free fresh breeze tainted with sea water. I followed the breeze out into where the chamber opened, following the slowly receding water.

“Captain do you trust me?” I turn as his crew begin to spill out into the chamber muttering amongst themselves. The chamber opened into more tunnels, more openings.

“Why?”

“Just answer my question.”

“Yes.”

“Do you trust your crew, completely?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Because I will need your protection from them, if we want to stand a chance to get out of these tunnels and not die.”

“Do what you need to do.” I examine his expression, beyond the mask, I can see tension filling his face preparing himself for a fight.

I crouch down onto the rocks in the very middle of the chamber. I push my fingertips into the silt on the centre stone, I feel the chamber begin to hum with energy. I’m not the only one. The Captain is trying to keep his crew, trying to keep nerve. I am using every of shred of my nerve to reach what I need to read, I follow our trail back, a few streams of blue and cream strands are beginning to walk the tunnels, other streams above in the cave, a few beginning to double back. I begin examining the chamber tunnels, one by one, some rise and fall like a trap. A few tunnels have lurking eyes like saucers filled with danger and death. And only one tunnel that leads to open air.

I begin the lead and in less than three hours we are out of the tunnels and caves and chambers. The ground beneath our feet, crunching, a stone beach sprawling. The place where stone and sea kiss. Boulders, pebbles and driftwood for all the eye can see. We are at the base of a cliff, a temporary beach, beaten to existence by the moons influence on the sea, and soon to be beaten again. We are a turning away from the ships. I walk at full speed, still I haven’t spoken a word. The Captain and the crew trying to keep pace with me, the cold made them stiffer, less swift. And right now, I feel agile I as I navigate my way over boulders and begin to walk in land towards the sprouting grass. Breaching the top of the hill I get the first view of something other than pebbled beach.

I feel a hand clamp around my wrist. I whip around to see the Captain’s firm hand holding me, his crew trailing behind. “You want the ship? You need me.”

“I know. But what are you planning?”

“An ambush”

“For whom? Them or us?”

I smile, “now, Captain, you look nervous.”

“You would too, the crew know you got us out of that place with magic.”

“Then they should be grateful”

“They are scared.” His crew had caught up and kept a cautious distance, not too distant though, they still wanted to know what was being said.

“They are scared, or you are scared, Captain?” Appearances must be kept. I exaggerated my flinching reaction when his hand collided with the side of my face. It hurt, I won’t lie. His crew were watching, and as power plays go, this worked quite well. The Captain, below his mask of being furious wore an expression of remorse. I let the mask twist between surprise, hurt, anger, fear and resentment. But the expression I wore, was a smirking smile. Well played.

It was now that I caught that brief snapshot of a stolen glance at the crew. It was now that I took in whose expression was smug, smirking, happy, eager. I took in the few expressions that wore disagreement, pity, sympathy, something softer than they would want to be seen. In those few seconds I saw just who I could work with, and who I would have to keep an eye on, the test confirmed my suspicions, the test confirmed what the sight wanted me to see, what it wanted to warn me over.

Now I am caught between walking away and the Captain’s grip still tight on my wrist.

I pull my wrist free, an angry mask, and walk ahead in the direction of the ships.

“Where do you think you are going?”

“To go get me a ship.”

“You mean, to go get us a ship” I hear fat Shane question.

“Same difference” I shout over my shoulder still walking. I hear the patter of their feet on the grass making to keep up with me.

We stop in a small sheltered pelt of land, hidden from see and land, you would only know where to find our shelter if magic flowed stronger through their veins than in my own. I like being ambushed as much as the next person, not very. The Captain had kept me on a visibly shorter leash than before. Unlike before, there was no degree of privacy. The Captain wouldn’t let me leave his side for even a minute. The Captain must keep up appearances is what he told me. A good night’s sleep would be hard, for the Captain or myself. The stakes tomorrow were undoubtedly high, but the risk of a mutiny was a growing concern amongst certain crew members. In the depth of the night I pulled the Captain away and aside, pretending to need a little girl’s privacy.

“Captain, tomorrow there will be an opportunity to cut the wood of mutiny, I advise you take it.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

.: Entry Fifty :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Since I started dreaming again, I have felt so different. I came to the realisation that I am already the woman that I want to be. That’s the thing, we spend all our life trying to work out how the hell we be the person we wish we were. For some of us we give up on that person we want to be feeling so strapped in and stuck in the life we are already living. For me, that has never been enough.

I have wanted and wished to feel that kind of confident, sexy, strong woman that I have always admired. But something happened this morning, stepping into the shower and letting the water cascade and cleanse me of the day giving me that fresh start, that fresh brand new feeling that the water offers. I had a bit of a realisation, I can be anything and anyone so why can’t I already be that best version of myself? Why can’t I accept my alter-ego becoming part of my every day?

Sure, that’s a great idea, except putting it into practice doesn’t feel as easy as deciding I want to be and embrace every part of me. And my alter ego, she’s a dangerous and formidable woman, sassy and sexy, how do I let myself bring her into every day?

I could start wearing make-up every day, but that is not the most convenient thing in the world. That’s not really how I want to start tapping to all areas of who I can and want to be. Maybe I could be kinder to myself, pampering myself more, listening to music that I love, dancing more, having more fun and freedom. I could even start with something as simple as wearing heels for about an hour a day to get back into the swing. Learning to walk in heels again just to feel that bit sexier. That could be the start I need. I will have to see how that goes.

I know to people I look like I am drifting, aimlessly through life. But they are wrong.

I have aims, they just don’t get to see the thoughts I have in my head.

Do you ever just feel like your energy is beginning to match that of all your dreams, the ones that you’ve been wishing come true? That’s how I have felt recently on the precipice of everything I have been wishing, desiring and lusting after. Maybe it’s the unleashing of all of me?

I can just feel this change that I am the person I have always wanted to be, like every cell in my body is right and perfect to be the thing that is me. I think this is the first time I have ever felt this good, this in tune with everything I have wanted. I just want to move to the music that is pulsing in the under current in my soul. Maybe that is the best way to describe how I have been feeling recently. It started as maybe a beat that my body wanted to be a part of, then when I began to give into the rhythm of my own energy it began to layer and add some more melodies. Now I just feel this urge to dance, to literally dance through life, like I am skimming the surface just like in the song. It is the urge to just do everything that has ever made me feel that breathless exhilaration, that kind of unstoppable smile that comes from the soul. It sounds silly in a way.  I just want to enjoy every moment every single moment no matter how “mundane” I just feel so alive.

It is so new to feel this alive, where body and soul are aligned. I feel like I am really becoming the deliberate creator I have known that I am.

Unlocking my alter ego and dancing with her might be the new start of something completely different. The start of being my whole self. I don’t think I ever realised before, I don’t think I even knew that I had repressed so many parts of myself. Now I just feel open to all the elements of myself. Open to all the possibilities of who I am. I like the idea of being a walking contradiction.

My existence is a walking contradiction. So why not embrace and enjoy it. No longer having to be at odds and resistant even with myself. After all, with all the changes I have been making, with all the new things I am becoming better at accessing and enjoying, why not embrace every side of myself? I’ve certainly become a lot braver. I am certainly much stronger and much more at ease within myself. I no longer feel like a deliberate creator locked in resistance within herself. I feel like the resistance that was there has been transformed into something else. I feel like I have been transformed into something else. I have been transformed into me. I have been transformed into the woman that I have always wanted to be, that I believed that I had the potential to become, I am all of me.

I am all of me. Everything I wanted to be as a child, everything I wanted to be as a teenager, I am everything, finally able to say I fit my skin, I fit my potential. This is me.

This is me, all of me, every little bit of me connected into the universe, I am so in tune with the energy I am releasing, knowing it is a complete match to everything I have been desiring. Maybe this year, actually not maybe, this is the year that I get to be part of every bit the best of me.

I am so grateful that I get to enjoy this, that I get to enjoy the best of me. It makes me wonder how many people feel this, how many people enjoy this feeling?

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2

.: Entry Forty-Nine :.

… My name is Elliot Parker, sometimes. Right now, I am pleased it’s not.

… “Anyone could be mistaken to think that you like this.” His smile in his voice, his tease.

I let the corner of my mouth twitch, knowing he is looking for a reaction. “Anyone could be mistaken. But are you?”

“Oh I don’t think you like this, I know you do.”

“Do I?” I try to ask as innocently as possible.

His voice lowers just a fraction more, I didn’t think it would be possible to have a conversation whispered as quietly as this. “Princess, we both know you hold your virtue still because of me.”

“Says the man who wants to take it.” I quip, wanting to get through to something real in him. Wanting to diffuse the situation.

“One of many I am sure. Any man can take what he wants.” What does that mean?

“So you don’t want it?”

“Don’t mistake for a second, I want it, but there is something else I want.”

“What?”

“I want you to offer it to me, willingly.” I swallow under his scrutiny, watching my every heartbeat fluttering under the surface of my skin.

“That won’t happen” I try to sound clear, my voice choking a little in the whisper, am I trying to convince him or myself?

“It will happen; you won’t just offer it to me willingly, I know that much for certain.” He brushed the fluttering pulse in my neck with his thumb. I try to move but his other arm is wrapped firmly around my waist.

“How can you be so sure?” I feel his thumb slide to under my jaw, to the hollow under the chin. Is this a warning? A threat?

“Oh I promise you, just to be sure we are singing from the same score, princess, you will offer yourself to me willingly.” He let the silence grow, “you will offer your virtue.” I could hear the smile playing on his lips. His certainty made me uncomfortable, unsure.

“I doubt it.”

“You will. I can see it crossing your mind, I can see you wondering.”

“What?”

“What it would feel like for my lips to not just be brushing and teasing your neck, but to tease every tiny inch of your soft skin.”

“I’m not”

“You are; you shouldn’t lie to me.” I feel his teeth brush my skin so gently I could tell my heartbeat had given me away, I could feel my heart thudding in my chest so hard I wondered if it was possible to beat like this, like it could be heard. “You want me, just as much as I want you. Let’s stop pretending.”

“There’s no pretence here… Captain.” Trying to sound as final as possible.

“Careful princess, or I won’t take you at your offer, I’ll have you begging first.”

“What? You’re going to torture it out of me?” He laughed out loud at me then, getting the attention of the few crew members still awake.

“It won’t be the kind of torture you assume of me princess. It will be the kind of torture that holds you in total suspense, every breath of it, feeling the burn of your own desire in every part of your body, untamed, aching for release.” I try to stop myself imagining closing the distance of what separates us now, I try to stop myself tensing under his touch. As if he has read my mind his words call me back, “still sure you don’t want me princess?”

I try to shrug and readjust my shoulders, but I end up sliding from his lap a little. I can feel the cold of the tunnel floor it sends a jolt of tension through my body. The Captain pulls me back onto his lap. I understand in that moment, the crew might think I was a lap warmer, but he was the one doing the warming, keeping me off the cold of the floor. I turn a little wriggling in his grip so I can see him, see his face in the cooled air. I let myself take in his eyes, seeing through the mask that this once matches the true expression of himself, surprise at my turning to look at him. He probably expected me to sulk or pretend he didn’t exist. But here I was, looking, watching, examining him. He might be right, he is probably right, in time too much exposure to him and I might just offer. But there is no way to put the kind of distance I need between us.

I choose to try diplomacy in this moment, “thank you” I whisper before I kiss his cheek and turn back around to sooth the ache in my back from twisting round like that. I wiggle my shoulders just a little to get a little space and curl into the warmth. I lean my head back a little so it rests on his shoulder. I feel him tense for a moment, before he rests his cheek on my hair. There is no way of escaping the proximity of him, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. I feel my own begin to slow and relax. Slowly I let myself feel the calm darkness of sleep. I feel him move, checking to see if I am gone to the world, I doubt from the angle he could see, even if he could, my eyes are shut even if my mind is wide open. I feel him slowly began to rest his cheek back on my hair trying to be gentle. I can’t help but let the corners of my mouth twitch, a small smile.

I may not trust this man yet, but I am learning him. I may not like this man, he probably doesn’t like me much either. But at least he is protecting me, whatever the reason may be. The same may not be said for some of crew, would they be wise enough to not make an enemy of me. For all his faults the Captain knows just what kind of asset or catastrophe I can choose to be at the turn of a dime.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 10th June!

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XP14ZX2

Amazon US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XP14ZX2