.: Entry Fifty :.
My name is Elliot Parker. Since I started dreaming again, I have felt so different. I came to the realisation that I am already the woman that I want to be. That’s the thing, we spend all our life trying to work out how the hell we be the person we wish we were. For some of us we give up on that person we want to be feeling so strapped in and stuck in the life we are already living. For me, that has never been enough.
I have wanted and wished to feel that kind of confident, sexy, strong woman that I have always admired. But something happened this morning, stepping into the shower and letting the water cascade and cleanse me of the day giving me that fresh start, that fresh brand new feeling that the water offers. I had a bit of a realisation, I can be anything and anyone so why can’t I already be that best version of myself? Why can’t I accept my alter-ego becoming part of my every day?
Sure, that’s a great idea, except putting it into practice doesn’t feel as easy as deciding I want to be and embrace every part of me. And my alter ego, she’s a dangerous and formidable woman, sassy and sexy, how do I let myself bring her into every day?
I could start wearing make-up every day, but that is not the most convenient thing in the world. That’s not really how I want to start tapping to all areas of who I can and want to be. Maybe I could be kinder to myself, pampering myself more, listening to music that I love, dancing more, having more fun and freedom. I could even start with something as simple as wearing heels for about an hour a day to get back into the swing. Learning to walk in heels again just to feel that bit sexier. That could be the start I need. I will have to see how that goes.
I know to people I look like I am drifting, aimlessly through life. But they are wrong.
I have aims, they just don’t get to see the thoughts I have in my head.
Do you ever just feel like your energy is beginning to match that of all your dreams, the ones that you’ve been wishing come true? That’s how I have felt recently on the precipice of everything I have been wishing, desiring and lusting after. Maybe it’s the unleashing of all of me?
I can just feel this change that I am the person I have always wanted to be, like every cell in my body is right and perfect to be the thing that is me. I think this is the first time I have ever felt this good, this in tune with everything I have wanted. I just want to move to the music that is pulsing in the under current in my soul. Maybe that is the best way to describe how I have been feeling recently. It started as maybe a beat that my body wanted to be a part of, then when I began to give into the rhythm of my own energy it began to layer and add some more melodies. Now I just feel this urge to dance, to literally dance through life, like I am skimming the surface just like in the song. It is the urge to just do everything that has ever made me feel that breathless exhilaration, that kind of unstoppable smile that comes from the soul. It sounds silly in a way. I just want to enjoy every moment every single moment no matter how “mundane” I just feel so alive.
It is so new to feel this alive, where body and soul are aligned. I feel like I am really becoming the deliberate creator I have known that I am.
Unlocking my alter ego and dancing with her might be the new start of something completely different. The start of being my whole self. I don’t think I ever realised before, I don’t think I even knew that I had repressed so many parts of myself. Now I just feel open to all the elements of myself. Open to all the possibilities of who I am. I like the idea of being a walking contradiction.
My existence is a walking contradiction. So why not embrace and enjoy it. No longer having to be at odds and resistant even with myself. After all, with all the changes I have been making, with all the new things I am becoming better at accessing and enjoying, why not embrace every side of myself? I’ve certainly become a lot braver. I am certainly much stronger and much more at ease within myself. I no longer feel like a deliberate creator locked in resistance within herself. I feel like the resistance that was there has been transformed into something else. I feel like I have been transformed into something else. I have been transformed into me. I have been transformed into the woman that I have always wanted to be, that I believed that I had the potential to become, I am all of me.
I am all of me. Everything I wanted to be as a child, everything I wanted to be as a teenager, I am everything, finally able to say I fit my skin, I fit my potential. This is me.
This is me, all of me, every little bit of me connected into the universe, I am so in tune with the energy I am releasing, knowing it is a complete match to everything I have been desiring. Maybe this year, actually not maybe, this is the year that I get to be part of every bit the best of me.
I am so grateful that I get to enjoy this, that I get to enjoy the best of me. It makes me wonder how many people feel this, how many people enjoy this feeling?
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