.: Entry Ninety-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, last time I wrote, I had a boyfriend, a wonderful shiney new relationship. That hasn’t changed, except now, things are different. We have been spending a lot of time together, as much as we can grab to be around each other, whether that means meeting up after work for dinner or sleeping round his home. That all sounds great doesn’t it, and it would be perfect with a bit more support from my friends and family. I’m not saying they disapprove; I am saying that it’s a bit weird. Clover still isn’t very on board. My gran is well, she is a bit difficult about it, very cantankerous… it was a bit of a challenge getting her to meet up with him, she now says she thinks he’s alright but she holds reservations about the entire male population anyway. My dad, well, we recently got back in contact so I think things are weird there anyway, but not as weird as with my mum who I can’t tell about my dad because she will go psycho and start causing troubles. So it’s not like I am going to introduce psycho-mum to Dyl. I like being happy and that is how I want to stay. That simple really. That being said Hal seems supportive of the new relationship. That’s the thing with Hal and I, we genuinely want each other to be happy and like supporting each other as we progress and move forward with our lives.

Speaking of moving forward, Dyl and I miss each other a lot, so we have had a few talks, and there is the possibility that next year, he and I will move in together if finances allow. Which currently has been the thing holding us back. I mean, if we won the lottery tomorrow we would probably find a way or a place to live together as soon as humanly possible. I know it sounds very quick to even consider. But I feel sure about him, and I sure as hell hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I mean, without jumping the gun, I can see a very long term future with him.

I know this sounds harsh, because I am about to do a comparison. When I was with Adrian I felt insecure a lot of the time because I always had the fear of being the “for now” girl and the relationship not being a forever which I think should have been the biggest clue in hindsight that it was a for now situation. I think my insecurity over being “for now” and being told that I wouldn’t ever hear him speak the words “I love you” to me, and according to him, no one ever would, it was a hard way to live in a relationship. That amount of uncertainty isn’t good, and there was uncertainty that began right when we first got together, there was no idea whether there was a future together let alone what that might look like because as far as I knew the only thing he ever really thought about in the future was his work and that should have been a very big clue to where I stood and just how easily replaceable I would be… by his job. Harsh, but true.

With Dyl, it’s not like that at all, I don’t feel insecure and when I need a little reassurance he gives it to me rather than leaving me not knowing where I stand. He tells me what he pictures for us and reminds me that he does without me needing to ask for it, it feels good. I don’t feel like a for now girl, I don’t feel like a stop gap or something to pass the time. I feel like this is a secure and forever future kind of situation which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know where I stand and what the future can hold and I do and it looks like such a wonderful picture. I want to be with him. I didn’t realise what my ideal guy was until I met him and got to know him and saw how we clicked. From my eyes he is the other half of me, not an opposite trying to find a way to work, but instead a partnering and continuation of the same piece of soul and that feels great, it feels great to just know that that is how I feel. I love this certainty.

I mentioned what Adrian said about how he would never say those three words to anyone. Here is a kicker, it’s kind of messed up my ability to say it myself. There has been a bit of a problem on my part, I can’t get those three words out. I feel them, I really feel them with Dyl and I want to say it, it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t get it out. No matter how hard I try. I love Dyl, I do, but I am fighting myself every time I see him because I want to tell him so bad and part of me is getting in the way and its messing me up. I am ready to say it, I am not uncertain in anyway how I feel about Dyl, I just can’t get the damn words out enough to be able to say it to him. it is so hard. I know that sounds stupid right? Why is it hard? Well because I ended up becoming afraid of those words. Like if I say them will it mess things up, will I feel that level rejected all over again even if it wasn’t really a rejection it was just a bit harsh and blunt. I know that feeling will fade, I know I will stop fighting myself because at the end of the day how I feel about Dyl hasn’t changed or lessened, if anything I feel it more and more, and I feel it burning inside of me when we are together, it’s the brightest feeling, the most amazing sensation to just know that you love someone completely from the higher part of yourself in the most whole part of yourself in a way that just feels so very radiant through the best and worst of yourself, if that makes sense. I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to put it into words, I just know I am not afraid to love Dyl. That feels good, to not be afraid to love.

.: Entry Ninety-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, and yes, you read that right, I am in a relationship, I have a boyfriend! It’s official, Dyl and I are officially together and I couldn’t be happier. I hadn’t mentioned it because I wanted to get the whole Clover thing out of my system some more before I revealed the thing that has had me so happy. But Clover is well… Clover.

I know, I know, it was sort of inevitable, what with that almost magnetic attraction. Over the last couple of months, we have spent a lot of time together, and I mean A LOT of time together. He just makes me naturally happy there is no effort involved it is just that instant happy feeling even just thinking about him. He makes me happy and doesn’t have to do anything. He is on my mind a tonne; it just feels good. I met his mum and dad, they are lovely and so wonderful so it’s no surprise he is as lovely as he is. The quirky expressions while we are at work and can’t really talk, the smiles and the winks, it’s just that impossible to ignore attraction. Yeah you read that right at work. I mean, yes we are professional no making out in the halls, we have been trying to keep it a secret but it seems that secret is out, those in the know, know. I guess it was inevitable and I suppose it explains why a couple of people are being nicer and slightly more smiley with me. It’s like, yes I know you know, but no I will not ever discuss that part of my life with you sort of feeling. Harsh or fair it doesn’t matter; I haven’t been close with them before I won’t be now. I am guessing a few people know that we don’t even know about but that is ok. A couple of people I don’t mind the odd talk with, but even then I won’t be talking about anything incredibly personal with them.

I am quite lucky, we try to see each other once a week which I know is a lot more than I used to see Adrian even when we were together and I know I pretty much was used to that, but with Dyl, it can sometimes just feel not enough I would happily spend every day with him just in his company.

I know I mentioned Adrian, there is a reason for that, he has been trying to be very friendly recently, even inviting me to his birthday party, the thing is, I didn’t feel comfortable going. Mainly because I would rather keep my free time open for Dyl and spending time with him and talking to him. I get that we are friends, but, things feel weird. Especially as Clover seems to have no intention of supporting the relationship with Dyl, not in the way that matters. Clover and I had been talking in small amounts and finally I snapped a bit after her “oh ok” and “cool” lack of supportive responses, I’d basically had enough so I asked her out right.

“Do you have an issue with Dyl?” I asked, it was just the annoyance of dead, flat, uninterested responses. I can’t be blamed for finally having enough of this sodding attitude.

“I don’t know the guy so don’t have an issue.” I got sent back so I just shrugged it off while she carried on typing until she hit send. “You know me I am team Adrian unfortunately but no I don’t have an issue with Dyl!! I want you happy.” Part of me doubts that last bit. The thing is, I think, ultimately she wants me to be hanging on her every word about all the boys she has sniffing around her looking for a scrap here and there. That is not happy making. I know it is about to sound hypocritical, but, there is more to life than boys and I know it may not seem like I think like that given how I write here but I do have goals and dreams and things I want to do and achieve without the impact and importance of a relationship or boyfriend. My boyfriend is a welcome, happy bonus to my life; support and comfort and happiness on the path to whatever it is I am desiring and pursuing in my life. A relationship is not the all-consuming be all end all in life, a relationship is a bonus wonderful aspect of life to accompany life, to give it a brighter more enjoyable facet.

“Dyl makes me happy so I am very much team Dyl, it feels relaxed and easy and he seems happy with me too.” She promptly changed the topic onto something about her. If I am to be honest I am not entirely surprised by her attitude. Dyl is a threat to her view that getting back with an ex when it seems impossible being a reason to hold on and cling to that ideal. Truth be told I just find it annoying. I mean, I think it is going to take her a long time to adjust to the new happy me, the me that past problems aren’t as big of a deal which as harsh as it sounds, means we do have a lot less to talk about.

Honestly I do feel completely at ease with being myself around Dyl in every way, we both just are our most authentic selves around each other and we just fit together. We just get along in a way I didn’t ever expect was possible. He is all the things I never knew I wanted, and many of the things I needed. Someone who wants me as much as I want them. I like feeling very sure and clear and happy. I guess I am just very lucky… That or I am a brilliant deliberate creator, which is probably the truth, given that I need to work more on the deliberate part.

.: Entry Ninety-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker and yes Clover was still thinking about that status and what people were saying about her because of it.

Safe to say I kind of had enough of it. She said she wasn’t happy and I told her that she has a choice in what she thinks. She didn’t like that much because her response was “I don’t think you get it, it’s not NICE for me!” Well, that was the last straw of my patience of this. I snapped and no I am not proud but even though I would have loved to cut her a new one for it I tried to be firm but fair while I stood up for myself. “I know you’re not happy, do you think it makes me happy when you post statuses like that about me?” After the many times she had done exactly what that woman is doing to her to me she now had the nerve to act clueless. I wasn’t going to shy away from the point I wanted to make this time, like I had before. “I know you have done it, people have sent me screen shots and proof and I have called you out on it before especially with that whole thing about that abusive twat that you chose.” Her response did her no favours, “that’s different, were you called a dirty little slapper, nope!” (no Clover, but you’ve called me a slut in a roundabout way before because I don’t have to be in love [or obsessed] with someone to sleep with them… but that is beside the point.)

I responded quite shortly given how annoyed I was; I didn’t want to deviate from the point or give any idea that I condone her behaviour. “No I was called a shit friend etc,” she didn’t like me still refusing to budge on my stance. Her response “I’d rather be that, its 100 times better sorry. Better that than a dirty little slapper or a girl who wants to get in every boys pants it’s all lies and fabrications.” Of course I took that to mean she thinks every time she does those statuses she is saying the gods-honest-truth. So I messaged her a thumbs up emoji with “ok so I’m a shit friend” good to know these things isn’t it. Like seriously, does she not even realise what she is saying, that it’s ok for her to post those statuses and have those effects on people as long as they don’t do it to her. She can make everyone else feel as shit is right now, but she doesn’t want any of her own medicine!

She didn’t like my sarcastic but clearly very loaded response. “What are you even talking about? I love how I am having a real shit time not happy at all and yet you want to turn it round on to you something from the past? Erm ok, clearly I’ve missed something here. You want to know if I think you’re a shit friend? No I don’t think you’re a shit friend at all.” Oh but it’s ok to post that publicly across all social media and say all other kinds of things calling me all kinds of things she backs down from when I confront her about because she knows its utter b.s. hmm… double standards much?

So I took my time to make sure I was toning down what I said to be sensitive to her and fair and still stand my ground. “No I want you to accept that she is doing what you’ve done to me and you don’t seem to have any empathy about the consequences of how you make people feel. The fact that you feel this shit about what people are saying about you and that woman isn’t even your best friend.” Which was the point I wanted to make, she feels that shit about someone she isn’t even close to, she thinks its ok to act like that because she feels victorious as a victim and isn’t held accountable for how she acts.

“I’m sorry but this isn’t about you, no she isn’t my best friend.” Well, I haven’t exactly sent her a message or spoken to her since, I have had enough by that point and I walk away. I’ve put her on mute for a while, at the moment its set for a week. She probably sees it as a victory like she is right and I should be the one ashamed of my behaviour. I’m not at all, I am proud that I remained honest and true to myself and was as fair and kind to her as I could be while being firm. Honestly I screenshotted the conversation and sent it to her baby daddy to keep him in the loop so he knew exactly what was said, and what she had implied, he has his little one to think about. I sent him a bit of a long old message.

“I am sorry but I am taking a break from Clover drama. I am sorry to leave you to it with her but I tried to rein myself in and be as fair as I could to her while being as honest as I could without setting her off. I am sorry but I need a break from the stream of negativity, constant boy drama about Sam, Sam, Jamie etc, I can’t keep up and I can’t be a good friend right now if everything I say is constantly being ignored or belittled or it doesn’t fit in with what she wants to hear. I tried being patient but she has pushed too far today and I just want to be happy and enjoy my new relationship without being made to feel bad about it. I am trying to change my life to what I want it to be in terms of writing and a steady income and a possible future with someone who makes me happy, and I think perhaps I need the distance from her so that I can do that without risking things. I am sure that she will be fine and that you will be too, just keep an eye one the little one if Clover has gone on another one of her spirals, she is an intuitive kid, and I know you will have her back.”

His response “yeah, that is probably for the best, just focus on you x”